e says: o foof!
I refuse to share my toothbrush with anyone.
I have never felt closer to a group of people, not even in the porta-potties at Bonnaroo.
Keeping “down there” warm after your partner has talked you into shaving it.
I cannot but agree with B. S. Pulley’s definition of a Pleasant Surprise: a tit full of whiskey.
I can see why some newcomer to Scrine might be a little confused about the one-sentence rule.
Do I hear the ghost of Lehman Brothers (and nearly every other near-death company)… what’s it saying? I can almost hear it now..., yes, I hear it now, “Citigroup says has strong capital, liquidity position.”
Most health food stores carry a male enhancement supplement called Horny old Goat Weed, named after the old mountain goats who chow down the scraggly weed growing in the nooks and crannies of said mountains, and then after loosening their belt buckles begin a general mounting of anything that gets in their way.
John Calvin believed haberdashery to be a sin against modesty, and thus the rarefied air of Geneva often smelled of singed hair and the cooked flesh of men’s clothiers burned at the stake by fires fueled with their finest silks and tweeds imported from France, England and occasionally Milan
“Dammit, Agnes just doesn’t work in a song,” Richard O’Brien told the Rocky Horror writers, “so if it’s a cult classic you’re aiming for, I suggest you change the name.”
It disgusts me when people are brushing their teeth and they have tootpaste foam around the corners of their mouths.
I broke up with him for many reasons, but the main reason is that the sight of his toothbrush in my bathroom makes me want to vomit.
Haberdashery was a dangerous business during the Great Depression.
Haberdashery – a dangerous business in the 1930’s – saw the invention of the Siegal tri-flex suspender as an attempt to keep ones underpants from being spirited away in the night by fellow down-on-their-luck tailors who spent their days mending trousers for dry bread crusts and weak broth in the garment district of any large metropolis.
Indeed, economics has earned its dubious honor as the dismal science, and those whores called traders and stock brokers- lemmings- because the slightest little upset sends their world plummeting earthward at a tremendous velocity, causing them to leap over the edge of the nearest sky scraper as they join their shared destiny with those worthless scraps of paper – flitting to the ground like leftovers from a ticker tape parade - that their fortunes are written on.
Yes, I did just shout “Fire!” in a, well, in a not-very-crowded stock market… where’d everyone go?
When I wear my blue-tooth earpiece, I look like I might work for the CIA or maybe even Hardee’s.
“I’d give my left hand to be able to play really good boogie woogie piano.”
“Cor, it’s about time that bloody contest ended!” she thought to herself as she typed in the web address, hit enter, and realized, as she watched the page load…
Be automatic.
I’m lucky if my toothbrush lasts 30 days before it looks like a fuzzy little piece of hell.
“When using this product, do not drive a motor vehicle, operate dangerous machinery or use a computer keyboard in any way you may later regret.”
You’re supposed to change your toothbrush every three months?
I don’t believe in airplanes, I don’t believe in the internet, I don’t believe there is a place called Scotland, but I do believe in scotch.
Sometimes I don’t change my toothbrush every three months like I’m supposed to.
I have discovered that there are truths hidden in old clichés – sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite is one such example – as creepy things like bed bugs do exist, and likewise it is also true, much to my chagrin, that you can really chap your ass.
Boobs are like Nintendo: They’re great if your friend has a couple you can come over and play with for hours and hours, but they’re not nearly as fun to own.
He dreamt of a heavy rain but awoke to find it clear and dry.
Instead of having crusty old, grey suited, businessmen in bowler hats and half moon spectacles, who knew how to keep things uninterestingly stable, we got young upwardly mobile hot shots with sharp suits and Raybans--wise guys who could shoot shit up a drainpipe and blow smoke up your arse more stylishly than a Dagenham exhaust pipe.
Hungry though I am, I am also proud and particular and intend, therefore, to stay here in this dark, forgotten house and wait out the long years until vampires are no longer pop culture.
At last his time had come, after years of work, planning hour by hour, piece by piece, crumb by crumb.
In re-reading my last scrine post, yes, I do realize diseases don’t breed; heartfelt apologies to my 12th grade English teacher, who is doubtlessly turning in his grave, though hopefully not if he’s still alive.
Dissatisfaction breeds in me like a strange disease; I feel it seeping out my pores some days, others it lies in furtive silence, awaiting its opportunity.
With bloody hands, I say goodbye.
“Some bastard always get to the zed sentence before I do.”
‘ZOUNDS!’, he cried upon throwing back his bed sheet and discovering the severed head of an alpaca.
Clark Kent must be gay--for over 7 years he pined away for Lana when he could have been tapping Chloe--she of the bright smile and great birthing hips--who has shown herself more then willing to play with Clark’’s little man of steel.
Historian Euripides Manheim believed that historically all stupid events were preceded with the words, “Behold my master plan.”
Apartheid Pizza & Pasta is as famous for its politics as it is for its house special – a deep dish half pepperoni and black olive, and half Canadian Bacon and pineapple with each ingredient measured and weighed perfectly, but kept separate by a delicious border of cheese running down the center.
“Elevator” is a bit of a misnomer as the device not only elevates, it also lowers; the name only tells half the story.
When air rises from my mouth in the cold.
“Warm air rises from my mouth in the cold.”
Autumn leaves protest my passage.
“Autumn leaves protest my passage,
cold passage from warm in the autumn,”
my protest air rises, leaves my mouth.
The windows are covered in a frost.
“The windows are covered in a frost!”
Glove compartment promises, broken,
“Glove compartment promises broken,
promises [a glove] are covered in the
compartment,” broken frost, windows.
“The car failing to start on this of all morning(!)?”
(The car, failing to start on this of all mornings)
“A compact disk skips in its player!”
(A compact disk skips in its player,
A compact car on all its failing mornings)
“Start!” skips in this player of the disk.
“Promises of warm mornings from the car
start covered in leaves, falling passage?”
My protest on this glove, “A Frost! The Cold!”
Air skips, rises in my mouth.
A disk, compact, in its player, broken:
“Autumn, The windows are, compartment, to, all.”
Upton Sinclair fought Capitalism through the proliferation of boring literature.
My soon to be mother in law has decided the only reason I’m not good enough for her son is because I’m fat.
“you know,” he mused, “i’ve actually never been to oz...”
“Xylene, toluene, I’ve never metta lene I didn’t love,” slurred Kevin, huffing happily.
‘Whence cometh the hares?!?!?’, screamed the internal monologue of the very hungry and overly dramatic ye-olde-English-only fox.
She said, “you’re the best ever” and I choose to believe her.
Frequently, I fight the urge to clack three beer bottles together while chanting: “Warriors....come out and play!” in a sing-song voice.
After reviewing my quarterly statements - I have lost everything contributed YTD - I have decided to retrieve my grandmother’s lumpy depression era mattress from storage, and will start making regular deposits there instead.
“I don’t love you” was the only lie I ever told her.
Velikovsky’s book caused quite a stir more than fifty years ago, causing some frightened skeptics to claim, “He wasn’t there, so how could he possibly know?”
Even though he knew that it wouldn’t help, Toby always found himself hitting the right arrow button while installing things that were to take over five minutes; what else was he to do?
Ultimately, pretty much everything you need to know is summed up in that book by Nabakov.
I’ve spent most of my adult life as a student; it’s not entirely worth it just to get the discounted software.
When all your investments, and even your bank disappear, that is a recession; when Vikram Pandit, aka “The Bandit,” head of Citibank, appears wearing his bandit mask in your nightmares, that is a depression.
If he doesn’t get up, and I happen to have just gotten out of the shower, he gets a dose of the naked banjo player.
I rarely walk around naked in the winter, or in any other season for that matter.
And, unnervingly, there it was again.
no gnus is good gnus
Rufus thinks that he could never live with a woman if she was demanding and yelled at him all the time, but my friend Schuster told Rufus he was a liar and went upstairs to see if Rufus’ mom would come down to prove the point.
Timmy loved his tortoise, but late at night would sometimes find himself wishing he’d bought the gnu.
Rather than move to Boca, I plan to buy a tank chair, get it kitted out at the local gun show, lie in wait at the local supermarket for disabled parking spot poachers and then SPRING UPON MY PREY-guns blazing shrieking, “That’s Handi-CAPABLE you MOFOS!”
Over the weekend, I pulled a groin muscle.....it wasn’t mine.
Self-destruction was imminent, but at least her gratification was instant.
It’s one thing to be a good, old-fashioned, pro-union Democrat, but it’s a whole nuther thing when you forget who your constituents are and become the unions’ bitch, Ms. Pelosi.
A blood soaked abattoir filled with zombie strippers battling gay vampires for the rights to the peloti rules as part of their bioterrorist plan to unleash a highly virulent form of whooping cough on the world.
I did not fellate that biscuit (cookie), it just looked that way.
Some coffee was spilled in the excitement of doing it the very first time.
Dear Boot: It was everything I’d hoped for and imagined and more, thanks, ‘mouse
How the hell is a 14-year-old girl supposed to decode and properly respond to the email that begins, “LOL, this is it, tell S---- and S------ I’m sorry.”
In the dream, putting athlete’s names of hundred dollar bills seemed like a great idea because when you went to the ballpark, for instance, you could pull out one of those bills and say something like, “Hey guys, I bet I can buy about 25 hot dogs with this Barry Bonds C-note, which he might easily have just earned in that short time he thought no one was looking and scratched his crotch,” but of course, after a cup of coffee or two this morning, I see it was just that cynical subconscious of mine, looking for ways to get me in trouble with the government.
I get really, really, really angry when people don’t do what they say.
Rose petals rained down gently from the sky, making the most hypnotic patter imaginable, while the young girl danced over the shiny iced landscape and sung soothing songs to the stars.
I remember the quick, nervous bird of your love.
Thanks for nothing, spam, because your email “The little man in your pants will be your bodyguard” has done nothing at all for me except make me hear Whitney Houston songs in my head every time I go to the bathroom.
Queen Rudolfa suggested that Umberto Vallencio (womanizer, xenophobe, Yes-man, zebra-trainer and bartender) crafted deadly euphemisms; fairly good, he invented Jamaica’s King Leonard’s mephitic nickname of “piddler”.
Perturbed by his decision to return to his wife for the weekend, Polly decided to soothe the pain with a glass of Merlot and a hardcore tranq.
If I could drive 900 miles, strangle you, and bury your body before work tonight, I would without hesitation.
I often wonder if I should be attending church somewhere, but then I realize that I am sleeping with someone in a relationship and curse like a sailor on leave.
The duct tape is coming loose and the glue hasn’t had a chance to dry.
You can’t really say “I’m a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster” with a straight face.
He padded down the boardwalk in the early gray hours of the morning and looked first to the corn dog stand, then to the “amusement” rides, and finally to a wet orangy-red spot on the wood; he then padded on over to the spot and began to eat last night’s leftovers.
Oh, how the small obese seagull would fly all around the Jersey shore, and oh, how it would gobble all of the kids’ McDonalds french fries if only it could get up.
Artist: Jimmie Van Zant
Album: My Name Is Jimmie
Year: 2008
Genre:
Bitrate: VBR ~ 280 kbps
Download (12 tracks, )
Never refer to your erection as “your little Sonny Bono.”
My purpose for this sentence will soon be known.
“Luckily,” the doctor told him, “it’s just your duwadum.”
Keith feared bad news regarding his bowel.
Jimmy, high on saffron, thought that if the Spice Cops knocked on his door and and accused him of violating probation, he could get off by saying, “Jimmy’s not here, I’m Jimmy’s duck.”
“Other one-liners in Philogelos may baffle a modern audience, such as a series of jokes about a lettuce, which only make sense in light of the ancient belief it was an aphrodisiac.”
Caleb slumped down in his easy chair with a bottle of gin in his left and a 40 page paper in his right; with one flick of his wrist he flung all 39.7 pages into the dying fire, and even though it was worthless, in those last fleeting seconds of the paper’s life it seemed to warm him, or was that the gin?
Irene is a picker; she knows she is healing, but something makes her pick, pick, pick at it until it bleeds again; she does this by reading his last letter to her, and it makes her burst into tears (again) and drop (again) her glass of OJ.
I wish I could stop reading the IM where he told me he loved me and would never forget me, but even though it makes me cry every time, I can’t-it’s all i have left of him.
Heaven is the scent of a chocolate chip cookie made from barley flour, approximately 2 1/2 minutes before it finishes baking, sez I.
“Good riddance to bad rubbish.”
It’s funny how quickly your plans change from “changing the world and chasing your dreams” to “getting really fucking drunk.”
You said I should quit drinking, then why don’t you quit driving me to it?
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.
...forgetting…
“Whatever you’re doing, keep doing it,” has got to be the creepiest pick-up line/compliment I have ever heard…