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Oh, I could go on and on and on, although you probably don’t want to hear me do that.  Really.  It’s not pretty.  I’ll just keep it confined to the following (and trust me, this is only of a fraction of what springs to mind, and aches to spring to tongue, right now):

1.  Last month I was visiting Momerina for a long weekend and read this repellent article in the Sunday New York Times—in the Styles section, of all places!—about parents who use this website to check their children’s grades in real time.  So if little Branson or Mykynzy fails a quiz, they know about it right away.  If they get a C on a quiz in a class where they normally would pull A’s, they can ground Branson or Mykynzy before s/he even has a chance to wake up for breakfast.  Some of these parents check these sites compulsively, the way some of us (although certainly no one we know ;) check our blog stats.  Of course the kids hate this program, feels that it compromises their privacy and fight with their parents constantly.  One of the mothers featured said “I can’t imagine why everyone doesn’t use it!  It’s a wonderful parenting tool!” (That was when I yelled “it’s a wonderful parenting tool for lousy parents!” and threw the paper to the floor, although I did not stomp on it, the way I wanted to.)

Here’s the kicker:  Many of the parents interviewed for this article admitted that they used to get a thrill from pulling a fast one on their parents, that they got a bad grade from time to time and they worked hard to keep that knowledge from their parents.  Their children don’t get that luxury, though, because...drum roll..."the stakes are so much higher now than they were when we were young.” I hear this repeated so many times that I wonder if it’s been implanted in our heads by some clever marketing agency.  Exactly what are the stakes, and why are they higher?  Are they really afraid that their kids might end up attending a state college and graduating into—gasp—a dull, middle-management, modestly-paying job?  One of these mothers said she actually yelled at her son that his entire future could hang on the grades he gets during his freshman year in high school.  I wasn’t even fractionally that college-obsessed when I was in ninth grade, and my parents *still* thought I was too college-obsessed, and not focused enough on the present.  Exactly what do we think all this foofaraw is going to lead to?

Ranting, yes, I know.  I’ll stop.

2.  Sadly, these kids will all grow up into fearful adult children incapable of making a decision.  They’ve had the fear of failure, of making mistakes, of screwing up, ingrained in them so deeply that they’ll be petrified of doing or saying the wrong thing.  They’ll continue to run to their parents.  They’ll make their coworkers’ lives hell.  They will make for challenging spouses, to put it mildly.  Eventually they will be 50-year-old children, still looking to their aging parents to make the adult decisions.  If those parents require long-term nursing care, and become unable to make independent decisions, they will crumble in the face of real challenge.

Will that do for starters?  ;)

To quote my friends Sam and Max:  Oh, Sweet Mother in Flats Doing a Salty Crabwise Shuffle.

In the interest of total fairness, I should point out that, erm, I didn’t receive my driver’s license until two weeks before my 18th birthday.  My folks did take me out for practice driving once I turned 16, but, well, let’s just say that, as lovely as they are, they weren’t exactly spilling over with patience (with good reason, of course, because I tested it like mad), and I didn’t even bother applying to take my driving test before leaving for college at 16, bound for a city where the public transporation was decent and driving wasn’t really necessary.

I still wanted to learn to drive, though, and my parents wanted me to learn, so I signed up for driving lessons through the driving school at a now-defunct department store.  Instructor was a dude in his 20’s.  He took me into the hilliest part of eastern Pittsburgh, screamed at me for 45 minutes of every class, then announced at the end of four sessions that I was incapable of driving and he would never trust me out of the neighborhood.  I had about five seconds where I turned into Big Fat Baby and called my mom in tears.  She let me have my Big Fat Baby moment, asked “are you done now?” and when I answered yes, said, “so are you going to let some asshole waste any more of your time and my money, or are you going to call AAA like you talked about?” (I had considered AAA, but went with the other school because it was cheaper.  Life Lesson #1 learned.)

So I called AAA and got a very cool, no-nonsense woman who taught also taught driver ed at a local high school.  I told her that my other instructor said I was unsafe at any speed, and she just said “nonsense.  Why don’t we head for the Parkway?” In 45 minutes I was driving on the Parkway.  Two weeks later I was driving on the interstate.  Six weeks later I passed my test.  Through every step of the way, I was encouraged in a warm, friendly way, but not coddled, by both parents and teacher.  When I screwed up, they were not shy about letting me know.  When I was nervous, they talked me through it, not by telling me I was a unique and precious snowflake, but by reminding me that fear, while understandable, should never be allowed to rule the day.  Imagine that, not letting fear rule the day.

That said, I kind of wish I hadn’t started so late.  I wish I had been like the farm kids in my hometown, who all learned to drive when they were about 11.  Then again, one of my best friends didn’t learn to drive until her late 20’s; her mother was a nervous driver, her father was not a patient teacher, she was a bundle of nerves behind the wheel, and she was able to get by either on mass transit or by having her husband do the driving, which she did for years.  Then her husband suffered a catastrophic illness that robbed him of his ability to drive.  She knew she’d have to step up, and she did.  Learned to drive.  Got her license.  Did all the driving.  She is now a stone-cold pro of a driver in one of the worst driving cities in the U.S.  She doesn’t let fear rule the day, either.

Och.  I’m veering off topic.  Oh, these parents today!  (harrumphharrumphharrumph)

Edit: What a doofus I am.  I forgot to mention that your self-reliance and overall coolness is just awe-inspiring.  It really is.