Schuster called them his magic glasses, but most of us knew they were really just an old pair he’d found in the dumpster.
TAGS: schuster, magic, glasses, trashAfter drinking two cans of Earth Axis, my friend Schuster was spinning so fast the buttons popped right off his shirt.
TAGS: schuster, buttons, spinning, shirtsSchuster believed in Herman Heaven—the place he thought all the Hermans went to be happy after they died.
TAGS: schuster, death, heaven, herman, happyIt was clear to Schuster that Mr. Bevins, as the jury foreman, clearly understood the need to be as pompous as possible.
TAGS: schuster, jury, mr. bevins, foremanSchuster knew he should be paying attention, but he couldn’t help but let his mind wander as he worked through the various ways of killing Mr. Bevins.
TAGS: schuster, murder, mr. bevins, murderous intentions, kill, attentionSchuster was sure all the secrets were trying to kill him.
TAGS: schuster, paranoia, murder, secrets, killMy friend Schuster told me he agreed with Neil Gaiman’s plan for world peace and harmony nearly 100%, and that although he loved pandas dearly, he was inclined to think a stripper on his lap might please him slightly more.
TAGS: animals, schuster, friend, peace, harmony, pandas, strippersSchuster couldn’t help me move on account of the trial, but each night he’d stop by to help polish off the beer and tell me something new about Mr. Bevins.
TAGS: schuster, alcohol, mr. bevins, trialJust about the time I start to forgot all about my friend Schuster, he’ll show up with a six-pack, that human skull that’s always rolling around in the trunk of his car, and a week’s worth of hats he’s stolen from barbershops around town.
TAGS: schuster, hats, auto, friend, skull, human, stolen“Sure I get drunk every other day,” my friend Schuster told me last night, “but I like to think of myself as a half-sober kind of guy, which makes me an optimist.”
TAGS: schuster, friend, alcohol, optimism, drunkThanks largely to Carl B.’s expert bacon testimony, my friend Schuster says he better understands the acceptable consumption limits of pork, but even more importantly, he now knows how to successfully argue a temporary insanity case involving the murder of anyone who takes the last slice of bacon.
TAGS: schuster, friend, carl, legal, murder, bacon, testimony, porkMy friend Schuster doesn’t pull any punches when it comes to Rufus’ feelings and calls him loser and “a pathetic waste of flesh and blood” all the time, but they’ve started hanging out together again on weekends now that Schuster’s pawned his gun.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, camaraderie, guns, friends, bluntnessRufus sometimes wondered what it’d be like to have a girlfriend who loved him so much she’d be willing to stab him, and although my friend Schuster always volunteered his own stories on the subject, Rufus said it just wasn’t the same somehow, and that he still wished he could experience it firsthand.
TAGS: schuster, love, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, stabWhen my friend Schuster started wondering if my robot underwear were bulletproof, I knew he had bank robbery on his mind again.
TAGS: schuster, robot underwearRufus got so tired of my friend Schuster shooting the tin cans out of his hand that he finally learned to eat baked beans out of a bowl.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufusThank you for your holiday letter, Curious in Connecticut, and yes, to answer your question, I would be more than happy to share what I look like when I’m dreaming of my friend Schuster.
TAGS: schuster, video, dreaming“I don’t need no stinking Poe to know crows want to peck out my eyes,” Rufus said, and without any further explanation, informed Schuster that he was quitting the Sunday morning book club, which Schuster and I agreed was overreacting, even if Schuster’s pet crow had gone too far with the reenactment.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, ridiculous encounters, poe, crows, peck, edgar allen poe, book club, reenactmentsRufus thought stepping on women wasn’t such a bad thing, but my friend Schuster didn’t agree; “Except when you’re in a graveyard,” he said, adding, “but then only the buried ones.”
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, chauvinism, graveyard“I’d like to have some kids someday,” Rufus told my friend Schuster, “but first I’d like to get a pet alligator to practice on;” Schuster thought this was a very good idea.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, children, alligatorsRufus told my friend Schuster he thinks he’d enjoy staring at a woman’s ankles all night long sometime, but Schuster told him to just put it out of his head because there was no way in hell he was ever going to save up that much money.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, ankles