After much introspection, Rufus realized the anger management classes he’d taken had not only been a tremendous waste of money, but were now, in fact, also making him quite angry.
TAGS: rufus, ironyRufus confided to Julia that a lot of trustworthy people had big teeth, he just didn’t happen to be one of them.
TAGS: rufus, confessions, teeth, trust, big“You might call me somewhat of a boffin,” Rufus confided to Julia on their first and final date; “Take right now for instance, I’d like to see you naked, but purely for scientific reasons until we get to know one another better.”
TAGS: rufus, dating, boffin, pick-up linesI thought I’d impress Sally by telling her that there was no actual proof that I couldn’t out-wrestle a dinosaur, but then she pointed out that there wasn’t any proof I could outsmart one either, so that didn’t go so well.
TAGS: dinosaur, rufus, dating, bowling, wrestling, bravado, proof, outsmartSomewhere around the sixth frame Rufus told me about his date with Julia, and by the look on his face, I could tell he’d brought up that boffin nonsense.
TAGS: rufus, dating, boffin, bowlingBeing new to the group, Evelyn had no way of knowing that whenever Rufus offhandedly brought up what he referred to as “his Hemingway years,” the best thing to do was walk away, and certainly, under no circumstances whatsoever, make the mistake of saying, “Hemingway? I love Hemingway;” but I’m sure she knows better now.
TAGS: rufus, dating, ernest hemingway, friends, self-centered, long-winded, group dynamicsMy friend Schuster doesn’t pull any punches when it comes to Rufus’ feelings and calls him loser and “a pathetic waste of flesh and blood” all the time, but they’ve started hanging out together again on weekends now that Schuster’s pawned his gun.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, camaraderie, guns, friends, bluntnessRufus sometimes wondered what it’d be like to have a girlfriend who loved him so much she’d be willing to stab him, and although my friend Schuster always volunteered his own stories on the subject, Rufus said it just wasn’t the same somehow, and that he still wished he could experience it firsthand.
TAGS: schuster, love, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, stabRufus got so tired of my friend Schuster shooting the tin cans out of his hand that he finally learned to eat baked beans out of a bowl.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus“I don’t need no stinking Poe to know crows want to peck out my eyes,” Rufus said, and without any further explanation, informed Schuster that he was quitting the Sunday morning book club, which Schuster and I agreed was overreacting, even if Schuster’s pet crow had gone too far with the reenactment.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, ridiculous encounters, poe, crows, edgar allen poe, peck, book club, reenactmentsRufus thought stepping on women wasn’t such a bad thing, but my friend Schuster didn’t agree; “Except when you’re in a graveyard,” he said, adding, “but then only the buried ones.”
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, chauvinism, graveyard“I’d like to have some kids someday,” Rufus told my friend Schuster, “but first I’d like to get a pet alligator to practice on;” Schuster thought this was a very good idea.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, children, alligatorsRufus told my friend Schuster he thinks he’d enjoy staring at a woman’s ankles all night long sometime, but Schuster told him to just put it out of his head because there was no way in hell he was ever going to save up that much money.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, anklesRufus claimed it wasn’t bad etiquette to make guttural noises while on the toilet, especially if you had bad gas, but my friend Schuster vehemently disagreed and told Rufus that as soon as he finished washing his hair he was getting out of the shower to kill him.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, etiquette, ridiculous encounters, murderous intentionsRufus and my friend Schuster both agreed it was ethically responsible of the world to fight for a Middle Eastern woman’s right to wear a short skirt, and when I tried to point out that I thought their discussion had jumped the tracks somewhere, and seemed to just be about sex, again, Schuster’s rebuttal was that all men’s discussions were “technically” about sex in some shape or form, a point which Rufus wholeheartedly agreed with.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, sex, ethicsRufus told my friend Schuster that he thought people lived too long these days; Schuster agreed completely and told Rufus that he’d help him out as soon as he got his gun out of hawk.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, aging, gerontologyRufus thought it was beginning to feel like Christmas at the house, but my friend Schuster only scoffed, pointing out that there wasn’t any rum.
TAGS: schuster, christmas, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, alcohol, the c wordRufus says he’s glad he’s not a dog, but my friend Schuster told him he’s wrong, because given the 7 to 1 time ratio, if he could get away with humping the neighbor’s leg for only ten seconds, it’d be like having sex with her for more than a full minute; this was a perspective, Rufus admitted, that he hadn’t considered.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, aging, sex, dog years, humpingRufus thinks that rating women using the 1-10 scale is outdated, and that everyone should start using the Fahrenheit scale, which would give men much more variety, and my friend Schuster almost agreed, but thought that using Celsius would make more sense, even though, he added, he wasn’t normally much of a metrics man; I thought the whole conversation was ridiculous but tried to participate by suggesting that maybe the Kelvin scale should be considered, which immediately got me thrown from the room, since Kelvin was obviously a man’s name, and if they wanted to go down that road they’d just say something like, “I’d give her a 10 men,” which, they both thought, either sounded gay or demeaning somehow, although neither could say exactly how.
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, kelvin scale, rating womenEventually the discussion swung around to the topic of pornography, and Rufus said that he thought there was just too much of it in the world, but my friend Schuster’s opinion was that Rufus was absolutely wrong, and that freaks like Rufus often throw around the word ‘world’ when what they actually mean is ‘the cardboard box in my closet.’
TAGS: schuster, Rufus & Schuster, rufus, pornography