Rufus suggested to everyone in the cell that since it was Memorial Day, it might be nice if everyone shared a story about a time they outran or outsmarted the police; I thought my friend Schuster might like the idea, but when it was his turn he just stared straight at Rufus and asked if anyone else might have a shank they could sell him.
TAGS: Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, Memorial Day, shankMy friend Schuster promised Rufus that if he shot him this year, he would only use low caliber bullets so it wouldn’t kill him or hurt as much as last year, which must have moved Rufus because he promised Schuster that if he tried to strangle him in his sleep again he’d wake him first, which probably would make less sense when we all sobered up.
TAGS: Rufus & Schuster, polite violenceMy friend Schuster told Rufus that just because he’d been dreaming about killing him didn’t necessarily mean that he was really going to do it; “Beside,” he told Rufus, “I don’t even own any hand grenades right now.”
TAGS: Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, dreams, hand grenadesRufus thinks that we should practice more beer stealing before stepping things up a notch, but my friend Schuster says that as long as we hit the bank at the right time we’ll be okay, telling Rufus, “Except for the no glass door part, an open bank vault is not all that different than a Circle K beer cooler.”
TAGS: Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, life of crimeRufus thinks that his mom was only joking when she said she was going to kill them all the first time she found them asleep in her living room again, but my friend Schuster isn’t so sure, considering how hard she’d been holding the pillow over his face the last time she’d joked around about it.
TAGS: Rufus & Schuster, polite violenceThe bloody trail from the Executive offices could be a clue, but it was certainly not one that Inspector Blucher was inclined to follow.
TAGS: Miss Jane, fear, polite violence, fiction, retributionShe watched the truck pour cement through the basement window, a big smile on her face and not an ounce of guilt to be found anywhere.
TAGS: polite violence, parenting, cement, Rufus, basements
“You see, when a train is overly full and an older woman appears to be falling over and reaches out to steady herself, the correct approach is not to sneer, but to lend a helping hand,” continued Miss Jane as she deftly returned a bloodied object to the young woman, “ah, I believe this one is yours.”
TAGS: Miss Jane, polite violence, manners, hands, elderly, bloodiedShowing great reserve, Miss Jane very gently pushed the woman who was standing on the esclator, talking on her mobile phone, complaining loudly about her love life, eating a pie, carrying a shopping basket and blocking the path of other shoppers - so gently, in fact, that the woman merely slid to the ground and was run over by a shopping cart, leaving barely any blood at all.
TAGS: Miss Jane, polite violence, reserve, rudenessSanta had wondered who the slightly unnerving librarian was that haunted his dreams, and when he finally found her home, he knew he would need the other list.
TAGS: Miss Jane, polite violence, lists, striking fear“Why, yes, certainly, at times like this I could just stay calm and put it all in perspective,” said Miss Jane as she looked beatifically upon the bloodied and mangled array, “however, I believe we all must follow our own particular path.”
TAGS: Miss Jane, polite violence, beatific, perspectiveAs the man in front of her tried to sit at her table, clearly full of uneaten food, fresh coffee and a book waiting to be read, the look she turned on him fairly turned his blood to ice and made him flee the premises at speed.
TAGS: Miss Jane, polite violence, manifestation, malevolence“Ah, yes, I think I have the knack of it, now,” said the disapproving librarian as she kicked the round, moist object around like the useless ball of nuisance it truly was.
TAGS: Miss Jane, polite violence, disapproving, yobs, nuisanceWhen Keith arrived at the dictionary fight, he was horrified to discover that he’d picked up a comic book by mistake, and tried to explain things to Boot as she closed in; Boot, being the kind and understanding person that she was, told Keith that she understood the rather unfortunate mistake, then gently squeezed his head flat between the pages of her own dictionary, somewhere in the W’s, Keith thought as he blacked out.
TAGS: polite violence, comic books, dictionaries, ScrabbleRufus thinks that it’s unhealthy for Schuster to fidget so much with his box of bullets, but my friend Schuster thinks fidgeting is the sign of an active, healthy imagination; “Besides,” he told Rufus, “with my fingerprints on them, I’m almost 10% less likely to put one of these in your kneecap someday.”
TAGS: Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, bullets, fidgeting, fingerprints, unsubstantiated statisticsYears before any real trouble would begin, two scraggly young boys named Rufus & Schuster found a bowler hat floating along the banks of Lake Erie; the boy named Rufus thought it might be fun to throw rocks at the hat, or maybe fish it out of the water and take turns wearing it around town, but the boy named Schuster thought throwing rocks was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard, and that what he wanted to do was steal his stepfather’s .22 and take shots at it, but because Rufus was his friend and he didn’t want to hurt his feelings, he told him that they should compromise; “You wear the hat,” Schuster told Rufus, “and I’ll steal the gun and do the shooting.”
TAGS: Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, hats, childhood, murderous intentions, rocks, bowler hats, lake erieRufus thought that his mom wouldn’t sell her basement surveillance tapes to the FBI, like she’d threatened over breakfast, but my friend Schuster wasn’t so sure and quietly suggested that maybe it was time to take care of the problem once and for all; the two loud taps of the broom handle on the kitchen floor above clearly said, “Think again.”
TAGS: Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, murderous intentions, intimidation, surveillance, FBIRufus thinks that it is next to impossible to torture a reliable confession out of anyone, but my friend Schuster disagrees, and says that he’s more than willing to prove this to Rufus.
TAGS: Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, tortureLooking at the hooded entity before her, Miss Jane smiled delicately as she sliced yet another strip of gaffa tape ready for a pointed, unpleasant and necessary application.
TAGS: Miss Jane, polite violence, unpleasantAs the driver threw his garbage out the window, he caught sight out of a sweet-looking librarian type lady in a pretty little Morris Minor and, unfortunately, he didn’t realise until he was again looking out the mirror, as his car careered of the cliff, the neat, effective blades in the bumper bar - at wheel level - along with the insane, murderous, but above all, remonstrative look of the avenging librarian.
TAGS: Miss Jane, polite violence, avenging