For his sins our hero suffered through several lifetimes trapped in a steel tube, hurtling through the air at 35,000 feet listening to the 20-year-old girls (these were not women) in the seats in front chattering about, “Like, you know, I’m not dating now, because, like, guys are all the same, like, ‘I’m gonna cheat on you,” like, y’know, ohmygod, it’s like so not worth it,” all the while thinking that when he got home he was going to speak with his daughters and if the word “like” came up in any sentence more than once he would have no choice but to kill them to save others from the misery he had been through.
TAGS: baby, travel, airplanesShe wanted to name the baby Edgar, after her grandfather on her mother’s side, in spite of my arguments to call the flailing little creature Thinking Man’s Lobotomy, which I thought had a nice sounding ring to it.
TAGS: baby, creature, lobotomy“Baby, I can multi-task;I hate the player AND the game.”
Bob smiled wanely at the baby in the woman’s lap on the other side of the waiting room and remembered when he used to play with little Bob, Jr.’s toes: This little Bob went to market, and this little Bob stayed home; this little Bob had roast beef, and this little Bob had none; this little Bob cried “wee-wee-wee” all the way home!
TAGS: baby, bob, toesSworn mortal enemies, the Vegetable family had long been feuding with the Fruit family; this ongoing furor was said to have been sparked by a fable that involved a lost baby tomato, later found in the woods, whom both families claimed as their own.
TAGS: fruit, baby, tomato, vegetables, fable, hullabaloo, feudApparently the parents in the feel-good story of the day, snowy mountan rescue story did not get the memo on stupid baby names, thought Makynzi, as she cried hot tears for the two children in the story, Gabrayell and Sabastyan.
[public service warning: do not read the baby-names link above while drinking if you are a person who tends to spit your soda all over the keyboard when laughing]
TAGS: babyKathy recalled that all of her life’s problems began around the time she had attempted (and not succeeded) to flush her baby brother down the toilet.
TAGS: baby, toiletsLooking back, Kathy remembered clearly holding no rancor for her baby brother; it simply happened that she had been interested in where toilet water goes after it leaves the tank, and she felt sure that little Henry could take a peek down there and report back to her.
TAGS: Henry, baby, brother, toiletsI’m seriously tempted to find me a baby names forum and post this list of star’s names under a heading ‘great ideas for baby names!!!!!’.
TAGS: baby, names, monikersAs I stood in line at the IRS office today, patiently waiting to drop off an envelope for my good friend, Mr. Anderson, I was fortunate enough to overhear the story of a man who will very soon have employment tax troubles much worse than I can even imagine, a secretary’s dull “huh?” as she is told by another secretary that she has just hit the wrong key and lost all of her computer’s data, and one entire half of a painfully loud cellphone conversation, in which a bony young Hispanic woman eating Cheetoes tells her (boyfriend? husband? it is never exactly revealed) that she is still waiting, and that she would have gotten here earlier, that the baby was ready and in the car, but that dad yelled, “I’m downloading!”, which the bony girl obviously felt the need to reenact at full volume, which then caused her mother, who was sitting next to her, to hush the girl in an even louder voice, just moments before stealing the bag of Cheetoes.
TAGS: baby, irsTo all you mothers-to-be: when you are sitting in the midst of your baby shower, and you open yet another box of those little one-piece baby outfits (bringing the count up to approximately 162), and the whole room full of women murmur - again - “oooooh, onesies, oooooh …”, the fact is, they are having an elaborate in-joke at your expense; no individual baby has needed that many onesies since the invention of the washing machine.
TAGS: baby, washing machineOn Sundays, I sometimes like to take a couple of minutes and review the steps for delivering a baby on the spot, just in case.
TAGS: baby, audio, sundayWally’s dream of watching his son grow up and become a professional hitchhiker was shattered when the doctors confirmed his wildest fears.
TAGS: baby, dreams, hitchhikingTearing apart the nurse’s station, searching for the missing Holy Water to baptize a dying baby before the heart stops beating, I think to myself; “I hate this fucking job.”
TAGS: work, baby, heart, baptism, holy waterAs the young woman held her baby in her arms and they gazed at the moonlit sky together, something passed between, something that never dimmed and that forever changed the life of the little girl.
TAGS: baby, moonlightMy wife has promised me that right after the baby is born, we can high five in the delivery room—she’s promised!
TAGS: baby, wife, high five, promisesI’d like to see Keith recreate the upcoming birth of Steve’s baby in Lego form.
TAGS: baby, recreate, legoI’m always telling prospective parents to name their baby girls “Pamela”, and extolling the name’s classic roots and versatility; but so far, I’m sad to report, the names Kourtney and Haven have totally whupped Pamela’s butt.
TAGS: babyToday we will have another ultrasound and I will ask the technician, “Is the baby sound?” and if the answer is anything other than, “Dude, this baby’s ultra sound!” I will be sorely disappointed.
TAGS: baby, dudeAt this rate, the baby’s going to end up naming herself.
TAGS: baby