To avoid suspicion in almost any situation, make sure you have not insisted that people call you Nacho.
I’m always wary of my family’s biannual toothbrush replacement, not because I don’t like a clean pair of teeth, you understand, but because all of our toothbrushes look basically the same, so I am known to, for months on end, accidentally use the wrong toothbrush.
I often wonder how falling asleep to classics on Librivox every night is conditioning my mind to think about such great masterpieces.
If I’d only thought about digging my secret hideout cave five years ago, I’d be done by now.
Frank decided to get back at his wife and all of womankind by, with malice aforethought, leaving up the toilet seat every chance he got, but ultimately it was he who fell in that fateful 3am.
Meredith tooted gently as the fan roared to life above her cubicle walls.
Desperate for a vacation and trying to avoid the full body scanner at airports, Tammy met a tragic end when she tried to FedEx herself to the Caribbean and forgot to poke airholes in the box.
Life is unremitting hard labor, but then comes a simple handful of blueberries, ripe and delicious, making everything worthwhile for the moment.
Drink arrogant bastard ale, it makes your face go numb!
I have very few material items which I’d protect with deadly force, but you can have my fancy stainless steel barbecue grill that’s directly connected to the 3/4-inch gas main when you pry it from my singed and blackened fingers.
The third time that night someone asked him about “that Chinese guy you’re with,’ Eric began to wonder if he should take a closer look at his date.
The sublime—a moment when the doe looked up, in the window at me, disheveled from sleeping on the sofa and barely breathing, wishing that she would stay—and then she was gone and the world started up again.
Decked to the nines in . . . even my underwear is blue - up before the sun to leave, can smell the hotdogs slap the many grills of the stadium.
Tammy viewed it as a dark cosmic joke that as a sufferer of anxiety disorder centering around uncertainty in life she was subsequently diagnosed with an exceedingly rare disease about which very little was known.
I apologize on the behalf of my writer’s block - it will get back to work as soon as it learns how to make like a ballpoint pen and roll with it.
Those without tattoos eventually became the minority, and were known from then on as thimbleskins.
I watched as the cellphone slipped from my hand, bounced in slow motion on the edge of the toilet seat and fell gently to the bathmat.
The chief scrubbed at the stubborn black substance that covered the vacated apartment’s bathroom floor, wondering if maybe he’d discovered a woman who did something by producing spores, like reproduce or sweat or make his life harder.
“Maybe you’re not the most useless secretary in the world,” Milton the Bastard told the woman, “but if you keep letting those tears hit the floor I’m going to change my mind; now, lean over the ficus and do us all a favor.”
It was a dark and stormy morning and Tammy could practically taste fall in the air.
Every morning, Juan chose to forget his actions the night before and instead spend a few happy morning minutes enjoying the warm glow of proof there was a God and she loved him—a pot of hot fresh coffee which magically appeared at 6:03 a.m.
The rapture took anyone with empty pockets and moths in their wallet.
When the wolf is knocking at the door, don’t assume it will answer truthfully when you ask, “Who’s there?”
Little did he know that he had just walked in to an interview - not for the cashier’s position at Abercrombie & Fitch, but instead the mostly nude model who stands in the front.
Marriage means always telling your wife she is pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Cats have a pretty damn good life but frankly I am happy bathing myself with my tongue safely in my mouth, thank you very much.
We get it, you graduated from Princeton, but that doesn’t automatically make you the smartest person in the room, although you were taught to think so.
I know the world wouldn’t be a better place if we turned back time and Bruce Jenner decided to have a sex change after winning Olympic gold in the 70s, but at least I’d have better memories of his terrible hairdo.
She looked upon all things and assessed them according to their potential as pie filling, much as in her teenage years everything looked like a potential bong.
Tonight’s special at the Donner Party Cafe is Tea Party Diversity Chitlins, served with fried okra.
All day I have lain in this field of poppies dreaming of Ophelia, above me in the marmalade sky her face peeks out behind cotton candy clouds salaciously winking at me as if to say I will never have her – not if I laid here in this intoxicating field for a million years.
Armed only with a cell phone and carrying a locked case whose combination I didn’t know, I instructed the border guards that I would enter precisely at the time I’d been instructed to enter, then informed the two confused men that they now had roughly five minutes to make the right decision.
What is it about churchgoing Christianity that gives people a license to behave in the most extreme mean and petty ways?
Time stutters and jolts, an eternity in every moment, endlessly repeating Friday afternoon at around 4:30 tick tock tick tock tick tock
Ingredients: standard level enemy, upgrade hatred active ingredients (trolls, flame-wars, queue-jumpers, taxmen) tower (suitable for looming on dark and stormy nights), cape.
“God I hate when I visit and have to pretend the neighbor’s ugly, mean, nasty little kitten is cute; I HATE that cat, and I never thought I’d say that about any cat.”
The older I get, the larger my nose grows.
The Garden of Eden was obviously fraught with peril; if it hadn’t been the snake and the apple, anything could have happened, like poison ivy or lemon juice squirting in their eyes.
At first it seemed disgusting that their god sweated fresh roasted coffee, but once he’d carefully explained to them the convenience of such a miracle, they worshipped him with even greater fervor.
If you sound like a duck, you may also look like a duck, if you look like a duck some people may step away from you when you get too close due to their duck phobias.
If you quack, you sound like a duck.