As inspired by: bakerina's p.s.
While not as convenient as a phone booth, nor as funky as a black & white swirling vortex, the bungee cord definitely has speed on its side.
“Dear Dorothy: Hate Oz, took the shoes, find your own way home, Love, Toto.”
Ron “Buddha” Jeremy taught that enlightenment is as simple as telling the large plastic clown at the drive through to biggie size your number 2 combo.
Exactly how much bungee cord does one need for a three-week freefall?
Tammy sat at her desk and wondered about the mysterious world of artificial flavors: why grape and orange flavored sodas and candies taste nothing like the fruits for which they were named, why everything “tastes like chicken,” and why everlasting gobstoppers and Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Jelly Beans are so popular.
She stood on the precipice, picked up her books and fell off the face of the earth—but not before checking to make sure her bungee cord was secure and intact.
I am a bear ‘mouse of very little brain, but I’m pretty sure when one bank wants to loan me money for less than another will pay me to put it in a CD, something is seriously amiss.
This confession is only a test.
“So let me get this straight,” said the teenaged, purple-haired Bronwyn to the doughy middle-aged woman claiming to be her future self, “George Bush’s idiot son has run the country into the ground, the World Trade Center has been blown off the face of the earth, the Soviets aren’t called Soviets anymore, and nobody pays much attention to nuclear weapons unless they’re being built in North Korea or Iran, Arnold Schwarzenegger—Arnold Schwarzenegger? we’re talking about the guy who plays the killer robot and Conan the Barbarian, right?—is the governor of California, the most popular shows on television are called “reality tv” even though they’re heavily scripted by non-unionized writers, and the best political commentary on tv is made by the guy who does the sports features on CNN…do you have any more of that chocolate-chip-mint-flavored angel dust you are obviously on?”
Bananas, once thought to be a binding agent, have been clinically proven to be beneficial to colon health – thanks to vitamin B-6 – and while the word “bananas” is not as funny as “corn,” the most hilarious word in the English language, it is at least as noble as the infamous yellow vegetable.
I should probably be thankful that I’m not so bludgeoned by news of the melting economy that I’m inured to news of a) the upcoming expiration of the START treaty or b) the Russians still hating us, but somehow “thankful” is not the word that comes to mind.
Even though the quick fix took less than two minutes to finish, the chief was not able to avoid her telling him the complete history of her cat.
When someone slips you $100 for no good reason, just take it.
When I grow up I want to be Sid Haig.
We had puddles!
What would have seemed poor planning a year ago (failing to reinvest my 401K rollover from my previous job, and instead letting it sit in the savings account) now looks like exceptional foresight, and I refuse to disabuse anyone of that impression.
In one of my first sentences I asserted that Keith would one day combine all the sentences into one coherent work; now, I’m not so sure, given the state of the world and coherence in general.
Never involve yourself in Keith’s Scrabble game if obscure latin obscenities are acceptable game play.
I feel like a hand puppet, but not in a good way.
The best advice I ever read was on a bottle of aspirin: “Keep Away From Children”.
Our thanksgiving feast- Bill the sleepy turkey - was always hopped up down on something or other, and, while dad always said that it was nothing, I could swear that I had seen Bill actually EATING other turkeys for a tryptophan-induced high low.
I’m not even going to attempt to write a sentence to stand up to the headline which represents, when put together like that, two of my favorite words in the English language.
so i’m pee-rusing the new post index feature tryna see when suddenly returned prodigals elisson and glee riot were last here before their mysterious (abductions?)dissappearances when suddenly i notice that, immediately following ME in that very index, are (dun-dun-dun): Elisson and Glee Riot!!!
It’s curious how attractive robots find elbows, and I mean that in every way imaginable.
After retrieving the morning paper, I immediately flip to the obituaries and gloat.
i had worried, when i was separated from my job in 2006, not only about ceasing to contribute my checkly pittance towards retirement, but about instead having to borrow back what i had so recently put in, simply to weather the oncoming storm; now, having entered my third year of happy re-employment, still insufficiently paid to allow for any additional retirement allotments, it seems i will not have have lost so much after all having already “borrowed from myself” the proceeds that would otherwise be diminishing as we speak?
To whom ever confessed that Christmas music makes them homocidal, please, for the safety of everyone, stay the hell away from Wal-Mart for the madness has begun.
Juanita did not find the equisite torture of watching their retirement become fodder for future generations of rocking-chair-on-the-front-porch-based Great Depression storytelling nearly as enjoyable as Juan seemed to find it.
I went to the cupboard, and only was it not bare, it was full of healthy snacks and fresh fruit.
The stock trader on the NYSE floor looked at the computer, thought, “Do I do what the computer model tells me to do or do I do what my heart and mind tell me to do?” and then he burst into flame.
Croquet ball substitute when no hedgehogs are handy.
Dislodging stuck kites (and tennis shoes) from trees when no long sticks or rocks are handy and your tennis shoes are already stuck in the tree along with the kite.
Dr. Leopold discovered that the conscience is very much like the hymen: Once it is breached by that first lie, ethical breach or outright crime, chances of its recovery are near-zero and those who say otherwise are deluding themselves.