If this is how I am now, I can only imagine how I’ll be when im married.
Accurately noting that high school girls really are as mean as they seem on TV, Libby walked on without a hint of having heard them and waited until she got home to sob.
I’m told that the English really know how to make their tea.
It seems as though more and more kids are having kids.
Some men dream of fortunes, others dream of cookies.
Jim had once walked into one of those sub shops, you know, the ones with “philly cheese steak” in the name, and ordered their special only to find that it was more of a Cleveland cheese steak than anything else; wondering, after this startling revalation, why one would expect a PHILLY cheese steak in Ohio anyway.
On that sunny spring afternoon, Juan mused to himself how sad it was that his kids would probably never know the joy that is “mistakenly” slipping while milking a goat and soaking your sibling with a stream of warm milk.
Every night my shadow disappears; every morning when it returns we tell each other of our overnight adventures.
the unfiltered words that pour from this vessel would surely cause a flood leaving behind an endless trail of damage.
There is a special place in hell for teachers who assign papers worth 50% of the grade at the end of the semester.
The feeling of adventure and revelling in history is indescribably good and tastes, surprisingly, like snow.
One of my organs hurts a little bit, and I don’t know which.
I often find my self haunted by childhood memories.
Lord, grant me the willpower to not choke the living shit out of idiots I cannot change, the ability to choke the shit out of those that respond to that sort of thing, and the intelligence to tell the difference.
I laughed when seeing the talent show people running around trying to get their acts together with minimal curtain movement, little mic usage, and no light cues.
She was always a bit disappointed after small earthquakes and wished they could be scheduled as an interesting experience.
No sentence I could write would ever live up to their beautiful spring scent.
Angry at first, my heart rushed quickly to embrace you and pretend that words were never said.
Your true colors are black and red and nasty evil brown.
Lucy’s favorite toy is KNIFE!
It always bums my trip when I find out that the reason a blogger hasn’t been updating is because he’s dead, but at least Old Hoss “cracked” us up one last time on his way out.
Looking back on my life, I realize I probably should have gone with him to prom.
“Remember, “Pastor John told the small group who had gathered together in the church basement, “what happens in Bible Fight Club stays in Bible Fight Club, unless of course you die and go to Heaven.”
Kevin was a curious person and once found himself in trouble for spying on a dentist while they gave a patient a root canal.
I often look up at the sky, and when I see the moon and stars, it makes me wonder what it was that made it all possiable.
It thundered here for the first time in about six months, and I couldn’t help but smile every time it boomed.
There is only a limited time in which a child will actually attend a square dance with Unitarians, and then you have to skip about 10 years until she will attend again.
I woke up to a suprise phone call this morning, with nothing on my mind except a paper that is due soon, only to be suprised that the said phone call said it would happily do the paper for me; what a way to to start a morning.
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a woman dick around on the internet until the time she normally would have started her day anyway.
It was almost like she wanted me to slip her some pop tart for two minutes and make her go ding.
And sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I would have spoke up the first time someone asked.
Once Jim’s desk had roamed the wide open plains of the west, feeding on the buffalo grass, the land so flat that you could see in any direction for ten miles; once Jim’s desk had been wild, untamed as his many fathers before him, but then the mighty desk wranglers migrated to the the plains with their horned-rimmed glasses, knee socks and novelty ties, and that was the end of the breed as Jim’s desk knew it, the desks where cultivated and herded into the great office ranches of ikea and staples where they learned manners, how to sit perfectly still, and how to hold things up on their backs; after that it wasn’t long until they were put in great trucks and delivered to the office buildings of America’s great cities, and Jim’s desk found a new home in a lovely fiftieth floor office with a great view, but Jim’s desk never forgot his roots, and occasionally hid a few papers from poor Jim who never knew of his desk’s dark past, never did anything wrong, and who had a presentation to give to the firm in under half an hour.
lock my breath in and ache my bones, but by golly i will beat you mister sniffles
When calling in a little late due to inclimate weather, your boss states, “Well, if you can’t make it, that’s okay; We don’t want you to risk it,” that, my dear friends, is an adult snow day!
Henry’s assurances to his wife that his Seven Year Itch had nothing to do with their marriage, but was a reference to his oncoming case of Scabies, were not very effective.
It isn’t like riding a bicycle.
I envision the perfect library, where each book answers the last with the most interesting arguments imaginable, where the due dates are months away, and all the movies are the ones you missed the first time around, and it’s all free, free, free.
Phoebe, the cat, looked with disdain at the early morning swimmer, unable to decide which was worse, the exercise or the water.
I recently (as in, just a few minutes ago) noticed that I have an abnormally keen and unnatural interest in Jack the Ripper.
A truly “smart playlist” feature ought to know it’s Friday morning and I need to hear “Electric Avenue” followed by some ZZ-Top immediately… and turn the volume up to 11.
I love the damson plums,
I love the Pallisers,
I love Edinburgh,
I love McAllisters,
I love the whole world,
it’s such a brilliant place,
Boom de yada, boom de yada, boom de yada, boom de yada…
Watch what you don’t say because someone will say you said it…
Socks with sandals were just one of the ways security was able to identify the Junkanoo wannabes.
Every time a right-wing Republican froths at the mouth about Obama, an angel gets its wings.
Looking through the available dog pictures at the local pound, I’m sad to observe that about 80% of them are pit bulls and pit bull-mixes.
The day James got his new bicycle he was so happy that he tied his red radio flyer, and ported all of his friends’ things from their own houses to his own backyard, where he was careful to lift them up and out of the back, and brought them all into his basement.
:grrr: French class has never been more boring!!
I remember the day that dad bought his first new car, a red thunderbird right off of the showroom floor, and I can remember each and every rule (he made us repeat them that first day) which we slowly broke, the first of which: “there will be no food in the car,” was done away within the week.
*cough cough*
sounded like a lot more fun than it turned out to be.
sounded like lot more fun than it turned out to be.
It was confirmed this morning that the entire universe is, in fact, conspiring against me when I realized that not only do I have to make up the calculus homework I missed yesterday as well as tonight’s workload, but also compile a 30-some-odd page writing journal by tomorrow. ::epic fail::
Waking children is like herding mercury.
At first everyone mistook The Chief for the voice of reason, but he assured them that the police were the ones they were really looking for.
Home is fresh air, clean water, the comfort of a friends home, the demands of pets, the smells and sounds of the city (even those that aren’t so savory); home is the people, pets and things you love.
The large, rusty, Scrine bird had flown across the expanse of untamed rainforest that was the internet many a time, yet had met few fellow birds to mix it up with, but that all changed when twitter was launched into the clouded rainy skies of the online realm, and the showdown began; it wasn’t long before twitter threw in the towel.
Though it was International Waffle Day, Jessie couldn’t help but stop by her local health club, the International House Of Pancakes, on her way home from work, and gorge on the light and fluffy delicacies sent from god him/herself.
She applied for job after job, a dizzying array of jobs, one after another piled to the sky, and was soundly rejected by an aching economy and savaged by human resource employees.
I know two accountants; both of them do stupid things with their money.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Shopping list
“Oh, you can totally disable all of that stuff; just make sure your dad takes this first,” said Bronwyn, handing Juanita a Ziploc bag that held a fattie the size of a Charleston Chew bar.
It was a day for eating red meat and dark chocolate, and slapping the back of the head of anyone who talked in cliches or was just generally stupid.
Exercise, healthy diet and deep breathing are all well and good until something deep fried and slathered in butter comes along, and I’m lost.
As inspired by: Keith's comment in this thread
‘Mouse’s shopping and to-do list:
- Shotgun
- Chastity belt
- Implant GPS-locator microchip
- Birth Control Pills
- Breathalyzer lockouts for all automobiles.
- Hide all credit cards, keys and cash
- Double dead-bolt lock for liquor cabinet
- Check for flammables and accelerants
- Finish all cans of nitrous-containing Redi-Whip
- Lock up model airplane cement, tuolene-containing floor finish, antifreeze, etc.
- Alarm all windows and doors
... did I miss anything?
I have previously officially declared swim season to be from April 15 - November 15 in my back yard, but when the pool hit 70 yesterday afternoon I decided I’d dive in this morning despite the 40 degree (F) air temperature… (BRRRRR!!!).
I called in “sick” to school today so I could work on an English project (due Friday) that I’ve procrastinated about since January only to realize that the entire universe must be conspiring against me because I, for some reason I can’t remember, left all my material in my locker. =/
With her skirt rode up and lipstick smeared, hair razzeled into a nest. What she wore no longer of intrest, all she wants is to get it off.
I surely wish I were arguing with someone right about now.
“Let’s see…I shy away from conflict, I’m risk-averse, I’m uncomfortable with public speaking and even more uncomfortable with being put on the spot…I know, I’ll go to law school!”
I’m so glad I’m warm-blooded, though I must say it’s patently obvious that I’m not warm-blooded enough.
One of the many important things that the intrepid young shoplifter must learn, and this might just save your life some day, don’t stick the slinky down your pants.
My mother has slowly become more and more articulate with her swear words, in fact, she has made such progress that she is up to “well that sucks donkey dick.”
The passion, sweet, thick, and crimson as it fell to the floor, proved to be the last breath of this endless love.
when the egg comes out is it dry?
Chocolate didn’t help, nor did dried apricots, nor lime-and-chili-spiced cashews, nor oranges off the tree: for the third time in less than a week, only steak and red wine would satisfy.
Most people might not think the nickname “Frogman” would be a good thing, but Clarence found it an improvement.
I beg your pardon Ms. but why do your breasts keep staring at me?
As inspired by: OhNo789's Dear Texas Schools,
When Julia read that Texas high schools had initiated cage matches for physical fights it made perfect sense to her since she felt that every day of high school was already pretty much an emotional cage match anyway.
Thanks, Ebay, for helping me sell my perfectly good pre-thunk brain.
There are more oreos than there are visible stars in the sky.
I might have had a more serious life if I chosen a different theme song for myself.
According to the allmusic.com sypnosis of Har Mar Superstar—“Har Mar Superstar is a balding, out-of-shape white man with a pencil-thin moustache who croons sex-laden R&B tunes while breakdancing, with his live shows, sung to the backing of a small boom box, usually culminating in Har Mar stripping down to his underwear (often of the tighty whitey variety)—I have no option but to suspect that I must be Har Mar Superstar.
In my defense, I hadn’t had any coffee yet this morning when I forgot to put coffee in and ran a great big pot of hot water.
To love you blindly is to pull the trigger of a loaded luger aimed at my own chest
The words that leave those perfect lips are a siren’s song to my heart.
there are days when I think I cannot make it without you, but there are days when I wonder how I ever made it with you.
and that is why you are beautiful
inside and outside we all play our roles but those who can see inside often ignore you screaming outside and those who see the smile outside often cant hear your screams from within
how you make me rawr.
Now the world can know about my every move!
A grown man should never go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs anywhere except the privacy of his own bedroom.
Well, the instructions did say, “Put on your pussy!”
God help me, but arguing against opposing counsel is fun.
When talking to anyone, please be sure to remember the first rule of fight club.
Just listened to the decemberists new cd, and it is perhaps on of the best cds that I’ve ever listened to.
God never did believe in his own myth, but went ahead and created the mirror anyway.
Kinky the Clown was a favorite on the adult party circuit, but his ability to fashion animals from inflated condoms was not universally applauded at the Meir’s 7 year old son’s birthday party where a scheduling snafu at the agency routed the man most famous for performing the “giraffe” and “elephant walk” in Vegas was sent to a small green house in outer suburbia by mistake.
Mary Todd Lincoln would make a secret birthday wish every year that she couldn’t imagine Abraham’s gaunt cheeks, hiding just beneath his beard.
“We’ll burn that cross when we come to it.”
Every so often I hear about someone and I think “Wow, I can’t possibly ever hear about anyone more amazingly stupid than that person”; yet I’m consistently proven wrong.
I often start out intending to end my statements of faith with a period by often find that a question mark is more appropriate, right?
I hereby move that we declare March 18 to be Interesting Birthday Facts day on Scrine; this will make manifest the greater Scrine community’s appreciation for our leader and pal, and will also give us some cheap laughs during work hours.
While it’s true that you can’t read a book by its cover, you can get a pretty fair idea of the book’s Suck Factor by reading the inside flap.
it’s buy boss beerday!
In a new popular nationalized health and gambling scheme, it was now possible to bet on your neighbors’ health with local bookies.
In Safety Glasses World, the women yearned for pokes in the eyes, and their men, descendants of a hundred generations of unchanging genetics, never failed to disappoint.
Juggling really isn’t all that difficult unless you try to do it while telling a joke that ends with you yelling, ‘IT STARTS WITH DINNER, THEN ENDS WITH COCK!’
Just when Polly thought she was ready to move on with her life, something on her car would break or she would need a jar opened and she would have no choice to to invite him back into her life.
It was only a matter of time until poor Percy was compelled to confess to his wife (who had a penchant for middle-eastern cuisine) that he had never, ever liked baba gannouj.
It was the night before auditions and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even the director who had to reread the play before auditions.
With skin like milk and hair like wine, one evening with you i’d surely induldge and then be sick on my self
Harold’s fetish involved listening to bluegrass while bathing in warm spaghetti.
Sometimes in this distance-learning world it’s really hard to remember to wear clothing to class.
Hard physical work, followed by too many pain pills, makes Juan a dull boy.
Though I still love you, I do not love the person you have become.
ohno789, this one’s for you!
I’d chew more bubble gum if I could exhale helium.
If you tell everyone what you’re doing minute by minute it’s called Twitter, but if someone knows what you’re doing minute by minute, it’s called stalking.
we could all use it, plus: a buck for a song = a buck for new orleans preservation.
It’s like my hair is a barometer of how my day will progress; on a related note, my self-worth rises and falls with the stock market.
Underneath her ribcage lived a veritable sound effects library, including a few sounds not heard since Inner Sanctum was still on the air.
I cannot for the life of me figure out why Twitter is so popular.
The service was so prompt, and the servers so friendly, that I couldn’t bear to tell them that a) blintzes should not be folded in half, like tacos; b) blintz filling should not have the texture of cinnamon bun glaze; and c) blintz batter should not be bright orange in color.
*@&^#%@& your mom *@&#^&$* with the gerbil underneath the sink with the toilet brush and *!&&@^# the &$))@ getting spanked with the light saber after the *@&(*#()$ barstool breaks and the *@&&#^ pope sets fire to the &@&*#^@ polar bear!
Andy was getting sick of his wife keeping him up all night with a barking cough, but her sudden and insatiable adoration of leashes, hairbrushes, and dry bones was the last straw.
There’s nothing a giant super burrito can’t fix.
“I invite you to visit my blog, join me on Facebook, watch my YouTube videos and follow me on Twitter.”
Henry couldn’t remember everything about his time in Heaven, although he did recall the dentists being disgruntled, on account of no cavities.
James came home one day with a packet of social studies words, and decided to get his father, a political scientist, to help him out with his work, but his father’s answers were all but satisfactory, for example: when James asked him about gerrymandering his father said simply “pull my finger.”
Actually, I prefer ‘apathy’, because it strikes me as being more descriptive and less French (not that I have anything against the French, they of the cream sauce and the fish eggs and the snail consumption).
If everyone gets laid off at once, we peasants will have to start again with the collection and storage of surplus grain and the creation of feudal fiefdoms, followed by my favorite, the loose coalition of city-states.
Julia wondered if the medicine she was taking made her smell funny or if it just messed up her nose, but she was embarrassed to ask anyone.
“And speaking of pygorean theorems, remember the magnificently bad shaggy dog story that wound up stating that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides?”
Waking with a start, chills running up my spine and heart pounding, I am overcome once again with the remembrance of falling farther than my mind can grasp, and with the aching suspicion this scent memory of sulfur and smoke, this compulsion to grasp my shoulders for the bloody stumps of severed wings, betrays some deeply forgotten celestial past, some lost and terrible fall from grace.
When Jenny raised her hand in bible school one Sunday morning and asked Mr. Thomas what the big bang was, he thought to himself for a second, and then answered “well class, you see, when Adam and Eve realized that they loved each other very much…”
Microsoft Office and DUI school.
Reality thickened for Chad, his fiery hooves no longer able to carry him through as the shadows faded.
Juan was not exagerating when he said to his friend, “You know, I think I’d rate getting a vasectomy as several orders of magnitude less unpleasant than buying a new car.”
Money represents cruelty and pain, depravation and sadism, but it is awesome when you’ve got it.
Those two marks on my neck I thought were pimples look suspiciously like bite marks.
When I saw the boy going into school on picture day wearing a tuxedo and bow tie, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d made a parenting mistake by allowing my son to wear the same t-shirt he’d slept in the night before.
You might pretend that you’re saving daylight, but really you’re just pushing it, and the rest of us, around.
Not through choice, Tim used to be a romantic idealist but now he was more of a realist.
The only time I feel motivated to do homework is when I’m doing it to put off other homework.
This crazy world may not be perfect, but you are perfect for my crazy world.
look at the hands that have touched that salt shaker.
Oftentimes Kimmy would compulsively start up a conversation with one of her old friends from high school over some form of social networking medium, but would then, two and six tenths minutes into the conversation, remember why it was that she went abroad for college, and after having realized the stunning fact that all of her friends in high school were just plain head-to-desk stupid even after twenty four years, she would then cancel all of her online accounts, break up with her boyfriend (or divorce her husband) at the time, and move back to London for a while - just in case.
Sweetie, I know that you detest me now, but I swear: our love is like a classical composer; it’s Haydn.
every time i think about how “weird” i am, i notice how weird you look.
Not everone can be a hero, someone has to clap as they go past.
Sometimes she just screamed to hear her head rattle.