In English, I believe this reads, “Every smart mother should be issued a Rabbit and taught how to use it early and often so as to take care of herself—this will keep the pool boy, he neighborhood handyman and her ‘personal trainer’ safe when her husband fails in his essential duties.”

I think in English, it’s more like, “Every mother ought to figure out ways to stop her preteens from masturbating, because, if they get good at it, they won’t have time to do their chores anymore.”

And if a Ladies Handbook reader can accomplish that amazing feat, she should move on to changing the tides, and preventing the butterflies from migrating to Capistrano.

I leave for a few days, and now look at all this music to download. I’m overdue for a terse message from the Help Desk, telling me not to upload these hoggy mp3s that take up so much room on the server. But I say to hell with them; some things are just more important than making room for somebody else’s Powerpoint presentation on why we must clean the office fridge.