Becky strode boldly into the corral, drew her simple “Lady” model TI-1200 with the more feminine-colored faceplate, and began a ruthless calculated assault upon Carl and his prized 45-button TI-59, a calculator that seemed to give Carl the upper hand right up until the moment the TI-59’s notoriously unreliable card reader jammed, leaving him in tears and mathematical shame.
Eventually his patience with the proofreading wore thin causing his scanning speed to increase until he was flying across the pages with the speed of a super robot, which of course he wasn’t.
I’m trying to teach my cat algebra, but she keeps getting hung up on the philosophical implications of x vs. y and we end up in a big fight.
When the ghost of Pythagoras found out that I didn’t even have an abacus in the house, he became so upset that he refused to finish my son’s homework, even though we’d paid in advance.
When you have a job that doesn’t allow time / access to Scrine during the day, the solution is obvious, if unexpected and, in actuality, unwanted.
I’m still trying to figure out how it works that I “donated” $20 to the school “rewards” fund for my daughter’s classroom, she “won” a $15 gift card to Target which she “sold” to me for cash, and now she wants me to double the deposit to her bank account, which is our standing deal regarding money she puts away in savings.
The days keep tumbling by faster and faster; long gone are those languid years in which a week was an eternity.
If I was tempted to second-guess my decision to step away from the Twitter, it was reconfirmed today when just for kicks I signed on to check what the twitiverse had to say about a small breaking news story and discovered that seventy-bajillion twits have decided to auto re-tweet the ABCNewsfeed.
“Your hair smells like mashed potatoes,” Henry told his blind date, “so you’ve got that going for you.”
As inspired by: Keith's Henry Tells It Like It Is
Those eating-in-the-dark, blind-waiter theme restaurants sound like fun right up until something goes wrong with the Baked Alaska.
“Of course people slip on banana peels here in heaven,” God told Henry when he arrived, “it’s heaven, for crying out loud, we’ve got all the classic jokes.”
My kingdom for a bottle of scotch.
By the age of 27, Charles had become quite adept at hiding his thumbsucking.
Wesley’s dream was to one day send his little girl to public school, help her with her homework, get into a fight with her teacher when they, invariably, mark something wrong which is correct, (like the fact that the only thing Edison invented was the word “hello”) and tell them to read a book for irony’s sake.
In his early years, Clive was a master of movie theater dates, he was the one who came up with the “popcorn job,” but nowadays, he could barely pull off an “under the armrest offensive.”
Every morning Dan awoke amazed to still be alive.
When dealing with large sums of money it’s best not to get too attached.
Monologuers were the people who always managed to crack Muriel’s zen veneer.
Eventually his patience with the proofreading wore thin causing his scanning speed to increase until he was flying across the pages with the speed of a super robot, which of course he wasn’t.
It seems to me that if you’ve got your all-powerful, old-testament God on your side, not only would the pickle still be kosher when it lays next to the sausage on a bun, but that the power of that pickle should make the whole lunch kosher rather than the other way ‘round.
As inspired by: 'mouse's The Power of the Pickle
Further, keeping a jar of kosher pickles in your fridge fixes any bacon that may be stored in the same space.
My lunch during high school was always either a) a giant dill pickle and a pack of Dentyne gum or b) a king size Hershey’s dark chocolate bar and a pack of Dentyne gum.
If you think about it, drinking yesterday’s coffee doesn’t taste so bad if you don’t think about it.
I tried to teach my blind monkey how to use one of those white canes, thinking it’d help him get around the house, but he kept assuming it was a pool cue and that the two of us must be down at the tavern, which only made him start throwing his peanut shells everywhere.
After the freak accident, when his nose grew bulbous and red and his hair grew out curly and orange, he mistakenly blamed the long, flat orthotics for his inability to pick up women at dive bars.
Low blood sugar makes me grumpy.
Sometimes no reaction is the best reaction.
Chickens are especially adept at reciting epic poetry, but you’ll only hear it if you wait long enough without moving.
I want to start the “coffee klatch” movement to counter the tea partiers; we would demonstrate by sitting around Starbucks talking about what we could do if we pooled our money and paid for services responsibly.
God is in escrow indefinitely, as the sellers make repairs; this explains a lot about Las Vegas.
“I do believe the new no smoking laws apply only to people,” my monkey told the bartender as he lit up a big cigar, “so why don’t you shuffle on down and get me another beer, and easy on the foam if you’re thinking tip.”
It’s internecine warfare day here in the ol’ US of A, the day the streets go quiet and we all watch the worst game of the season punctuated by the best ads the creatives at the ad companies can bring us.
To keep the afterlife from being overrun with Bobs, God extended the Bob hunting season by three days, which is a long time in heaven, especially if your name is Bob.
When she has finished, she promised me one wish, so up into the sky once more her net will go, and woosh - falling starlight in a jar.
All the plants thought that, of the mushrooms, Button was the most fungi.
The caffeine blasted through the top of her head for lack of a better outlet.
Like every other teenage male since the dawn of time, Jake didn’t wash for days afterward as he tried to keep catching her scent.
Walking the dog in your dream doesn’t get you out of doing it in the cold morning dawn.
Toshi loved the look of the tiny, shrunken male member as men emerged from cold swimming pools or the ocean, so she decided to start a dedicated porn site to see if she was alone in this fetish.
I may indeed have a screw loose for using a small screwdriver to scratch my ear, but in my defense, wouldn’t this mean I’ve chosen the perfect tool?
Text, “Do yr hmwrk, kthxbye.”
I can assure you I have no idea what the baby hippopotamus on the roof symbolizes.
If God was alive today, I’m sure there’d be a Commandment against gambling in the stock market.
What are the odds that at least one of these 35 “highly important” updates from Microsoft is going to kill my computer.
“Fetch your brother before he’s eaten by that cabbage monster,” mother would say to me as we pulled weeds from the garden.
“The Bible confuses me,” Henry told his son, “but I try my best, so don’t be surprised if I need to cut you in half one day.”
Jenni’s life was wrapped around her like a woolen existential blanket.
Miss Divine’s gay bakery did a surprisingly good business Sunday mornings in bear claws and glazed donuts in the Baptist Mecca of New Jordan, but she noted rather wryly and not without a touch of angst, that Pastor Dave wouldn’t touch the sticky buns when his wife accompanied him before setting off for church.
Lydia had very dramatic friends whose lives seemed always to be teetering on the edge of the abyss.
I found myself giggling quietly while enjoying my morning coffee at Starbucks dying to share the Johnny Fuckerfaster jokes I recalled from my innocent schoolboy daze with the inquisitive stranger with the pretty brown eyes sitting next to me.
“I’m an arsonist who’s afraid of matches, doc, so how the hell do you think I feel?”
The legs were the legs of a twenty-year-old Vegas showgirl, a hundred feet long and with just enough curve and give and promise.
“I never tell anyone how I feel about cabbage on the first date,” Henry told the woman, “so please quit prying into my personal affairs.”
My stomach borgled at the worst possible moment, when the room was completely silent.
Try not to give up on humanity entirely after reading the FBI Website summary of current eScams.
Early on Tuesday mornings, before anyone else was awake, the paperboy would rummage through God’s trash, looking for anything interesting that he might piece together for a bit of fun.
Knowing that God would never send him to Earth, the platypus tricked the paperboy into reassembling him so he could slip away when no one was looking, unaware of the serious consequences of his selfishness.
A sexual obsession with hand puppets is called Self-Fulfilling Puppetry.
You are my dream, but I am no longer sleeping.
Frustrated with the platypus for outsmarting him, God grew so angry that he canceled his subscription to the morning paper.
I mean, it’s not like sex is a nonrenewable resource.
I gutted and cleaned a very large fish in my sleep, much to the consternation of Sarah Palin and Oprah, who both started out egging me on.
As inspired by: JadedBeauty's Guest Scrine
Henry’s wife tolerated her husband’s commitment to recycling much the same way she tolerated all his old moves in the bedroom, but when he got that frisky look in his eye and thought he could seduce her with the words, “Think green, honey,” she had just about had enough.
“From now on we’ll call them fishmonkeys,” Peter told the cow, “because we both agree that udder is an offensive word, and besides, it’ll be fun to sell fresh fishmonkey milk down at the Saturday market.”
As Bronwyn walked out of the hardware store, whistling a jaunty tune and looking six inches taller and ten pounds lighter than she did when she walked in, the clerk had to admit that the supervisor was right: there’s just something about a woman who not only buys herself a ten-pound sledgehammer, but also pays cash for it.
Diplomatic immunity does not mean you can’t have too much back hair.
Saturday night I had two incredibly vivid dreams—one involving an uneventful walking of the dog, the other about waking up and getting ready for work, though the upside of the second dream was Sunday morning followed so I didn’t really have to get up and get ready for work.
He said he was catching the next bus out of here, but more than twenty years had passed and he knew there was no bus.
“I’m told you only borrow beer,” said the large man, “but as for onions, they linger for hours.”
There’s something indescribably joyous about a room full of wet (or sweaty), happy, half-naked, chatty, post-swim women.
Barry was sure most deadlines were set-up only to engender that last half-hour adrenaline rush that so many people seemed to enjoy.
Jesus’ backup hard drive was full, particularly after all those photos from the church picnic where the Buddha and Mohammed showed up.
For a long time Henry struggled with the idea that God was everything and had an exceptionally hard time deciding whether God was the TV shows or the commercial breaks.
I’m tired of small families; I want my daughter to marry into a big, raucous extended Hawaiian family.
As a regular attendee of anti-nuclear protests from before I could walk, I find it real hard to suddenly get pro-nuke, and besides, if the French like, it and it’s not wine or cheese, it can’t be good.
I’m sure you can imagine my disappointment after I discretely worked my way down the stacks in the library to the book with the big block-letter title only to discover it was “SUPER ORGANISMS” and it was about insects.
My keyboard always slides to the left when I type, leading me to believe I may have unrealized potential as an Internet pundit.
Your kitchen might stink, like mine does right now, but I’m not in the kitchen and most likely, neither are you, so it doesn’t matter.
My cat had a lot to say about my new hairstyle, and not all of it was complimentary.
“Other hot toys expanded on classic brands, such as Barbie Video Girl, which features a live video camera in Barbie’s chest that broadcasts footage to a screen on her back.”
“I just want to go somewhere and sleep it off,” explained Rocky, “and by ‘it’ I mean ‘the last ten years.’”
In an alternate universe somewhere, do you think there was a young man named LL Cool J who was changing his name to Jim Todd Smith to jumpstart his rap career?
Joshua’s dad was an engineer, so it should come as no surprise that Josh learned nothing of the birds and the bees, but he knew all about how to “insert tab A into slot B.”
Fat Ray’s Bible belt could no longer keep his pants up and he had to start wearing his mother’s humanist Mumu to the church potlucks.
The Olympics - warfare between countries using athletes instead of missiles.
In preparing for a presentation tomorrow, I remembered I had some class notes that would be really helpful… and then I remembered they were last seen on a 3.5” floppy two generations of laptops ago.
Someone wants to pay me a lot of money to crash their crummy old lawsuit into the downtown courthouse.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Suicide mission for a religion I understand
After his dinner, Jessie got up, made sure that no one was watching, and, seeing no one, “tripped” headfirst into the waitress.
Jacob stays up nights now, watching CNN, face white, afraid to turn the channel because life as he knows it will be ending any day now, any day…
It looked up from its box on the table, fried dough with chocolate frosting, rainbow jimmies dusted over the top, a satisfactory breakfast to be washed down with milk.
We are young, but nostalgia drips like the flesh of a ripe pear from our lips, toppling over our fingers and all across the table.
I wait on the beach after dusk for the little sand crabs to come out, and live in the castle I built for them, because I am too big for such things now.
Several days ago, when Tesla popped into the news (for unfortunate reasons), my first reaction was to say in a high voice, “No no no!”
Driving the carpool to clown college was stressful enough with the multiple horns and squirting flowers, but when the car caught on fire Shekky was unable to get all of his classmates out of the car fast enough and it nearly cost him his work study credit.
The stilted yet somehow flowery prose of American inventor Samuel Morse is not easy to read and is often referred to by historians as The Remorse Code.
Pancakes taste better in the later hours of the day.
Any dream involving running shows the individual’s need for a slice of banana cream pie.
“I see a potato in your future,” the old crone told Henry, “but I’ll need another ten bucks if you want me to try and see how it’s prepared.”
If you call in sick without being ill, the god of irony automatically assigns one of several circulating diseases to you to suffer while you return to the job.
“Learning to stand on your head is very important,” Henry told the children, “because for some unknown reason, it’s the the only to make the rainbows smile.”
I wouldn’t mind getting beat up as long as the bully used the word fisticuffs.