In the spirit of “write what you know,” Henry decided to pen a comic novel about acromioclavicular articulation.
Tell the cook you’d like a little more gravity on your mashed potatoes.
“We’re staying together for the sake of the dog,” said Hector, “he’s just so sensitive.”
I can now cross “rickroll the Westboro Baptist Church” off my list of life goals.
Under advice of in-house counsel, Scrine has removed the word “stray” and certain other portions of the original “Raccoons & Matches” PNA series sentence, which now offically reads: Never let raccoons play with matches.
Much like its Northwest relative, the Sasquatch, the Arkansas Billy Bob is hairy and apelike, elusive and hard to understand if encountered, with its only major difference quite possibly being the creature’s uncanny natural ability to drive pickup trucks, which it does with almost humanlike joy.
When Rufus told us that he loved his mom, my friend Schuster jumped right in and said that he loved her, too, but that his love was more dog-like, occurring mostly when she had food.
Happiness is an evening walk… which results in discovering Cusqueña at the neighborhood convenience store.
One day soon I’ll have a relationship with strangers based on something besides money; time, perhaps, or beauty.
I told him I liked his music, then secretly filed it under the category Old Freight Train In Desperate Need Of Grease.
Do you think we’re ready for that kind of commitment?
I’ve heard that to make one glass of orange juice, 50 glasses of water are needed to grow enough oranges to make the juice; I can’t help but wonder if this factors in whether or not the migrant workers wash their hands after visiting the outhouse.
It is inevitable that one may, from time to time, become lost and disoriented when in the wilderness, which can, unfortunately, lead to dehydration and delirium; try to keep in mind that while many of the birds may be trying to give you advice when you find yourself in such a state, they have their own agendas and should not be trusted, particularly the grackle.
Theirs was a progressive nation, placing highly trained, competent women in space as early as 1958.
No one knew for sure if grandpa was talking about the slime people or grandma’s breasts.
I would probably talk to myself more if I was a better listener.
Instead of buying more ink for her Officejet Florence farmed octopi and startled them near the cartridge.
Henry suddenly knew he had lost touch with humanity after navigating his computer to the Flags of the World website and found himself secretly thrilled when he read the words, “This may well prove to be an important vexillological number.”
When my son gets older and moves away, taking his need for symmetry with him, I can imagine baking an odd amount of cookies would make me smile, then very sad.
The breeze that tumbles through the gum-trees after an extended and early heatwave is a gentle and overwhelming attack on all the senses.
Summer has its reasons for existence, but berries and mangoes lie at the core.
3 pages down, 12 to go, 7:06am, less than twelve hours til due time, 40 beers…
My friend Schuster told Rufus that just because he’d been dreaming about killing him didn’t necessarily mean that he was really going to do it; “Beside,” he told Rufus, “I don’t even own any hand grenades right now.”
Some words are just B-Movies waiting to be made.
I’ve eaten enough latkes to choke a horse, and enough pfeffernusse cookies to choke a cow.
When the sun shines outside, my heart remains dark.
So far the only jobs offered me are selling life insurance and teaching English in Korea; they have me mistaken for someone else, someone shmoozy or adventurous.
Just because I hid a certain jar of damson jam behind the 3-year-old bottle of maraschino cherries neglected in the back of the fridge so I won’t have to share it with my wife or kids doesn’t mean that I don’t love my wife and kids, just that I don’t love them that much.
It is nearly impossible to purchase the correct ratio of chips to salsa.
In the end the sentence was mildly amusing…but evidently entirely forgettable.
Soon we’ll have personal logos that brand our personalities, and we’ll put them on the sides of our cars.
When I saw how much a single pretzel swelled up when exposed to moisture, my belly made complete sense.
I couldn’t help but cringe when CNN reported a prominent oceanographer as saying, “But large ice shelf carvings, where the ice comes from, are still only carving on a 30 to 50-year period” when writing about the calving of an iceberg twice the size of Manhattan which is currently headed for Australia/New Zealand.
If you have had a few stiff drinks make sure the wiggly light you see bouncing toward you on the street is not just a loose headlight on your hillbilly neighbor’s truck before calling 911 to report a UFO.
Glistening silver poles and strippers go together like cup size and fruit.
The sign outside the posh society club reading “member’s only” does not mean it’s a place to let it all hang out – if you know what I mean.
Their bitter blood soaked the brown earth leaving it fallow as Charles’ ancestors roamed wraithlike on the borderlands between dreams and waking life.
I have created my own University so I can award myself a doctorate for my work on terminal uniqueness, sometimes referred to as Fred Roger’s syndrome, named after the late kiddie show host whose philosophy lead generations of American children in believing that they were so special that their needs and desires are of such paramount importance that they deserve the best of everything regardless of how little they wish to work for it.
Dear The Weather, when I’m told that it feels like negative ten degrees outside, this is a joke, right?
Sidewalks iced over,
so you leave our house today,
slip, slide to the store.
I turned my desk so I could look out the window and feel happy, but it’s so gray and icky out that it just makes me feel awful and I’d rather stare at the white wall instead.
Our thoughts will turn again to matters of love, and then the daffodils will bloom again; for now, we have a fat man and a chimney.
No one knows for sure who invented the ice cube.
When the spirit of season became all about consumerism and shiny plastic blinking lights I lost it, or more accurately, never had it.
The vultures circled as far below the homeowners grew more desperate.
It’s amazing how quickly people will throw away their ideals for a small gain.
Tammy could always tell how good or bad a day was by what time she started the official countdown to 5pm.
Sometimes Juan woke up so cheerful in the morning that even he could barely stand himself.
As inspired by: Jo's Consoling our ‘mouse
A warm, summer day with a delightfully cool breeze, the birds are singing and the flowers are riotous; it’s Christmas.
The crowds of reds were raging, and they were surrounded by the swaying oranges and boisterous yellows, who were in turn circled by rounds of graciously stepping greens and waves of undulating blues and, there, all alone, following the luscious layers of indigoes and almost violent moves of the violets, the girl danced.
Kids these days have no excuse for accidentally flooding their parent’s back yard.
Nothing says “holidays” like watching the apartment super fixing the surveillance camera.
As inspired by: This from One Sentence, "I desperately fought to hold your hands away from me but I never imagined you could unbutton my pants with your teeth."
Sometimes Juan wished he had a son so he could explain the importance of the ability to unhook bras and remove skirts/pants/panties one-handed or with one’s teeth, but he only had daughters and he knew his warnings to them fell on hormone-deafened ears.
Are you there southwest airlines? it’s me, seven.
No amount of laundering could remove the fishy smell from that man’s money.
Cluck cluck cluck, bitches!
Yelled the gang-sign flashing fowl,
While twirling his bling.
I worry about Sir.
Tell the cook you’d like a little more gravity on your mashed potatoes.
“That’s an interesting question, Janice,” Milton the Bastard said when asked where he would go if he had a time machine, “and while I’m sure there are quite a few places in time I’d like to visit, my first stop would definitely be the early 1960’s so I could prevent your parents from meeting.”
Young Claire makes me sad; she is beautiful and perfect in every way and despises herself with a razor sharp anger over her lovely aquiline nose, long neck and small perfect breasts – she is not a cookie cutter beauty (I tell her), which makes her all the more beautiful but, she only threatens rhinoplasty and breast augmentation believing that surgical violence will correct the very flaws that makes the hearts of her admirers flutter and their knees go rubbery and weak when she passes by – let me cover you in kisses and drink you in (I cry), but she can’t hear me over the crisp sounds made by the pages of her Vogue magazine as she leafs through it searching for her next face.
The third time 15-year-old Roger was “grounded for life” for getting caught binge drinking he made the fateful mistake of asking if his terms were to be served consecutively or concurrently.
I’m going on the assumption that first you have to ask for money, sex, or happiness in order to receive it.
Even though I only kiss women whom I’ve had a crush on for some time, am completely out of crush material, and am going back home with my family over the holidays, I still think that I might have a chance at getting a kiss (with tongue!) at midnight on New Year’s Eve.
Little Bear took a long look at the first gentle flakes of snow swirling down and beginning to coat the meadow, turned with a contented sigh and made his way to his cozy winter nest deep in the old cave.
Because she was friends with both, she felt accepted by neither.
The fact that I was only impersonating a robot in my dream speaks highly of my ability to relate to other human beings.
The nation’s Selective Service director has the important job of making sure that the highly secure selection drum and canisters are not used by government employees for the the Christmas party Bingo game.
As inspired by: Keith's Index Card No. 312 (Personality Conflict Box)
01010100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110100 01110010 01110101 01110100 01101000 00100000 01101100 01101001 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01111010 01100101 01110010 01101111 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101111 01101110 01100101 01110011 00101110
Two searing hot days followed by stormy, rainy, windy wonderfulness. Hah, hah, hah, wheeeee!
Funny how a flying visit to Scrine will leave you with odd phrases haunting your sleep for days.
Given the fact that I have no memory of nursing whatsoever, I have no choice but to admit that there is a chance I have suckled milk directly from a cow udder or goat teat, or possibly even worse.
They will pat my back
And maybe say some nice words
Before they beat me.
I have been an AOL member since something like 1990 and have enjoyed 20 years of stable email address, but in the last month the shittiness of even that basic service is pushing me into the welcoming arms of Gmail.
When trying to heal a broken rib, it’s two steps forward, one sneeze back.
One of these days I really need to start attending Procrastinators Anonymous meetings.
When did alcohol become a living expense?
Clearly, thought Tim, a paranoid thirty something, when little kids can play the ukelele, this is a sign of the great child uprising the holy texts spoke of.
Jen’s father always tailor fit common phrases, his recent favorite being - “you make an ass out of me.”
Sandra’s chickens were quite astonished to find themselves adorned with gold jewellery and, without knowing why, seemed to strut more avidly around the quaint hobby farm.
Some people are so skilled at reading between the lines that it should be considered subatomic subtext.
When you not only are taking off and landing in a snowstorm that is promising two feet of snow and thirty mile an hour winds, but you also have to catch a connecting flight between Midway and Baltimore in a city which will be getting blasted as well, best start singing the classic “I’ll be home for Christmas,” and pay extra attention the line directly following the title lyric, “if only in my dreams.”
Keep in mind that your barnyard rooster was not born with good manners and must be given proper instruction throughout his life, particularly during his youth, of the importance of civility.
Roosters are prideful creatures, particularly of their hats, and you may find yourself, from time to time, having to remind them to remove their hat upon entering the henhouse; do this in a firm, but polite manner (a silent gesture of removing your own hat is often enough), taking care not to embarrass the rooster in his own home.
One thing you can say for the middle school winter concert: it was mercifully short.
As inspired by: boot's free range bling
As Eleanor preened and strutted showing off the gold necklace to best advantage against her black and white feathers, she couldn’t help thinking, I’m one chic chick!
While your chickens may very well indeed enjoy an evening out attending the ballet or a good dinner theater, you will soon discover that their carefree nature allows them to be just as easily entertained with a handful of ground corn or breadcrumbs.
Never threaten an angry gun-waving transvestite with an oreo.
Octopi have a hell of a time eating soup.
Penelope graded her insults by how many points they’d get her in Scrabble and was therefore particularly fond of telling people how much they ‘suq’.
Quaaludes, where angry ducks holding grenades are concerned, are hardly ever an advisable answer.
Reproductive activity involving cooking oil and in the presence of a velvet painting of Jesus fighting Godzilla will be so mind-blowingly satisfying (probably) that the eventual result surely could be nothing less than triplets.
‘Subterranean Homesick Alien’ is a great song, but what did the alien expect he was going to feel like while living underground light years from home, I mean seriously, is his/her being homesick a surprise to anyone with even the slightest bit of insight?
‘Tough and a little stringy’, said the diner, ‘but I’ve had worse emu.’
Underoos may be endearing on a little boy running around the house while wearing a cape and pretending to be superman, but once said boy turns 48, that shit needs to stop outside of professional comedic improv.
Victorious, he leaned back and basked in the afterblow.
‘Womb’ is just the lazy four-letter word for its more attractive and x-rated cousin ‘cervix’.
‘Xenon thinks he’s so special, muttered Bismuth to Tungsten, who replied, ‘Yeah, just because he’s noble doesn’t change the fact that he’s a pussy.’
You can generally get anything you want from most retail drones assuming that you smell halfway decent and have a rudimentary ability to schmooz.
“Zadgooks,” said the excited dyslexic, “I think I just spotted a plethora.”
It’s amazing how many times you can spend the same $100.
Dear East Coast Friends: Yes, we know the snow won’t be arriving in New York for a while yet, and that we could have flown in safely this morning and thus shouldn’t have rebooked for Monday night, but that was never the problem; see, it’s already snowing in New Jersey and Pennsylvania, so we would have made it out of the airport only to be stranded at a train station until the snow stops 24 hours later, so please, for the love of all that is good and true, STOP TELLING US THAT IT’S NOT SNOWING IN NEW YORK YET.
The first 3,100 miles of the journey would have been the easy part, compared to the last 125.