Gone are the days when I could just hide in the closet for two hours from girls that I like.
I have a love/hate relationship with tomatoes, because of that squishy stuff inside; seems to me it resembles primordial goo.
Someone needs to teach men that calling a woman beautiful or cute does not override the fact that you were blatantly staring at her tits.
If a woman happens to be wearing a low-cut shirt, it is still rude to suggest that she chose this article of clothing simply to attract male attention.
Kittyboy- in his very best flying squirrel psycho ninja form-thoroughly showed my big toe who’s the boss, as the offending digit had the audacity to twitch at four AM.
Recently I looked at a map charting the most popular trending twitter topics, and key words to where they were being talked about, and breast was number one globally.
The easiest path to riches would seem to be skipping a month of bills.
Doctor E would always take his dates to places where they served only spicy things, his favorite being a small curry shop, because even though their breath afterwords was far from attractive, he’d later admit to me, scientifically speaking, hot food makes them, well, hot, if you get my drift.
Rufus thinks that his mom was only joking when she said she was going to kill them all the first time she found them asleep in her living room again, but my friend Schuster isn’t so sure, considering how hard she’d been holding the pillow over his face the last time she’d joked around about it.
Where there should be a nice, long, organized “to do” list in my brain there is only a dull, gray buzzing noise.
Some notions are so horribly wrong, that you spend the entire time hoping desperately that you are dreaming.
As inspired by: Edward Bulwer-Lytton (apologies) and chickens.
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the chickens that struggled against the darkness.
Sometimes I think I might not mind sleeping away my life, because the dreams could (would?) be much more exciting and vibrant then my reality.
When Carl Sagan first approached Stephen Hawking with his synthesizer, both had their doubts, but soon enough, they released their first track, Glorious Dawn, with the help of autotune.
The SD card just can’t match an old-school darkroom for sheer mystery and magic, or as a great place to make out in high school.
Thank god my tax dollars won’t be going towards building a huge stadium and swimming pool that will never be used again, and will leave my fair city without much money.
My dreams are simple, my longing straightforward, and my delusions complete.
MIL and SIL just announced their upcoming week-long visit.
I have a love/hate relationship with tomatoes, because of that squishy stuff inside; seems to me it resembles primordial goo.
I’m sorry, my friend, that a sun must always set for another to rise, and that the burden of setting for me is firmly placed on your shoulders, but trust me when I say this, I will set for you any day like you’ve done so often for me, and whether the stars come out in the sky or in my head, they’re for you; they’ve always been for you.
Ah, the pungent aroma of cat pee in the heater vent; out you go, you fat freeloader.
Though Fall has certainly struck in Chicago, I am not using the heater to combat the nights which are in the low forties, and days which are in the fifties, but I am leaving my oven wide open.
Every night I go to bed dreaming of a nice plump blueberry bagel with sunny cream cheese, and a large cup of joe.
Sebastien realized that the way he had been using his iPod essentially amounted to cheating on his wife and family.
Todd was impressed when his father told him about reading the entire encyclopedia in his youth; Todd’s father was much more impressed when Todd reported to his dad that he’d just finished reading the entire Internet, tho he admitted skimming a few of the parts which were in Japanese.
Family: the people who understand you the least, but who just seem to dog you all your days.
Family: those people who will always be there, whose embrace means security.
“In the early days I wanted to be a turtle whisperer,” the horse whisperer confessed, “but I just couldn’t seem to find their ears.”
Juan was disappointed to learn that not all attorneys in Texas wore cowboy boots under their suits nor did they necessarily wear black or white cowboy hats depending on which side they represented in the case… though some did.
As inspired by: Keith's The Horse Whisperer Confessions ~ Early Days
It will not calm a cage of rabbits to coo, “settle down my dear little hasenpfeffers” if any of the bunnies happen to know a little German.
Forty years ago today something wonderful happened that would change the way we see comedy for good.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Secrets of a Rabbit Whisperer
She used her car whispering ability only for good, and only in a dire situation, as in the legendary Highway 17 backup of ‘06.
I’ve perfected just the right mix of medication that allows me to sit perfectly still and keep a smile on my face as they explain to me how they’ll start me at minimum wage, part time asap, with the added benefit of free containers for all my self loathing, and I accept the drug test form and walk away with thanks all around before tossing it in the trash receptacle provided out front.
“I demand a rocket ship and a million dollars,” she said to the lawyers and her soon-to-be-ex husband.
It’s okay to have a 7th grader who thinks he’s Adrian Peterson, until he actually gets on the field where he’s being pummeled by 8th graders nearly twice his size.
Juan decided that when his virus software came up for renewal he was going to let his PC “go bareback” for a while since after all, like all those overprotected kids never exposed to germs who grew up with weak immune systems, it was time for his computer to toughen up a little.
“That’s right, I am hiring you to clean the blood stains off the wall—they’re getting kind of brown and faded—and then repaint them in a nice vibrant red in the exact same pattern as the originals… they really are one of the last century’s great works of art, on par with anything Warhol ever did in my opinion,” explained Natascha.
Looking around the lab at confused but suitably cowered scientists, I should not be surprised - or at least not ask an irate, high strung and paranoid Department Head - who he suspects of industrial espionage, and expect anything other than “all of them!”
As inspired by: skif's Surplus of suspects
“Let he who has not engaged in industrial espionage cast the the first beaker!” shouted Harold as he held his ground in front of the accusing mob of co-workers.
Rufus thought that a down economy would negatively effect the murder-for-hire business, but my friend Schuster assured him that he had it on good authority from his hitman friend Vincent that it was, in fact, just the opposite, and that Vincent had told him that while there might be times when money was tight, there were never times when “get even” ran out.
Today I was thinking about Bakerina (long time no see), and naturally, her lessons on the fine art of fellating candy bars came to mind.
“I used to be stock market regular, but now with the help of Mini-Wheats, I’m bond regular, because if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that shit happens.”
I smell better and have more beer money, but two weeks later I’m coughing up hairballs that are causing my cat to run away in horror.
Everything I need to know about happiness I learned from a tortoise: Nothing beats a comfy spot near the heater vent on a cool autumn evening.
Time is malleable, because really, it’s nothing but change.
I don’t need a calendar to tell me it’s Thursday, all I need to do is go read Jo’s blog and there’ll be the “damn I missed putting the trash out” entry—then I know it’s Thursday.
Our hero had one of those inexplicably well timed moments today whilst talking to a prospective Mrs. Hero when she said “I dumped him, and would like to go on a date with you,” and the sudden urge to vomit o’re took him.
The edges are quite smooth and it’s soothingly cold.
The smooth, shining waterfall was made up of the most dizzying of colours, and if you squinted you could make out anything you damn well pleased, because that’s how she wanted it.
Sabotage is a delicious treat, best done within the bounds of suburban propriety.
His inevitable destiny was fated, preordained, inescapable and written in the stars
The neighborhood’s residents watched in awe as the brave crew of the city’s Linguistic Firefighter Team threw every language they knew at the burning house, hoping to control the raging inferno.
It is flurrying in October.
The air is sweet and I can hear a gentle buzzing.
Juan read the headline, “Huge, unusual early winter storm poised to dump an inch of rain on the Bay Area,” and thought, that’s interesting since I figured I had another month before I’d need to get that roof back on the remodel, and on that note he drank his second cup of coffee, popped a preemptive painkiller and climbed up the ladder to start work double-time.
The tea on the table is gone,
left is the still sweating glass
quietly perspiring on grandma’s porch
where we left it without a coaster
to stain a ring in the oak’s varnish, and
we played in the yard, you and me,
slowly wrestling, fooling around,
ruining yellow flower print sunday dress
and best pair of slacks -
they would be painted forever green with the grass
behind the house where mom once lived,
where I was conceived before high school ended
in the corner room above the brier bush
planted sometime after my invention, but before birth
by my grandpa, and
thank God we put our tea to rest
beside half eaten sandwiches,
leaving the ice to slowly dwindle into water
because without that,
without forgetting what was
we’d have never discovered each other
by the lilac, in the dirt on top of the marigolds,
and I’d have never kissed you for the first time,
we’d’ve never made love for the first time,
and there would have never been that stain
on the wooden coffee table I’d inherit many years later
to put in our front room as a symbol
of all the love we’d let eat away at us
before I found you, Gwen.
My fingers are coated in a thick, clotting slime and the water is throbbing and rushing around me.
If using your stove to heat your flat is dangerous, then call me Evil Knievel.
The Pirate Bay chose to take the “I was just holding them for a friend” argument whilst in court, which, admittedly, they were.
Be sure to wear layers, that way whether she needs your coat or not, you’ll give it to her, and appear sweet, not because you are, but because in actuality you are so damn hot in all that clothing.
“Don’t join dangerous cults: practice safe sects!”
“I wish that I could have faith, but science be damned.”
Like big business and the government, the words every and one are having relations behind out backs, and we all know, but they still don’t have the decency to own up.
Monday, coffee, weather… all are apropos to the day but tediously irritating, and I refuse to engage them as primary topics for a sentence.
The words leave me feverish, dizzy, contagious.
Luckily, I didn’t do the math until Monday morning, but over the weekend, I now realize I singlehandedly moved somewhere between two and three tons of wood from the driveway and up thirteen feet to the roof (and installed it).
“After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women.”
I don’t know who at the FDA is responsible for deciding what is a “serving size,” but clearly they don’t understand the correct use of Guinness when they put one bottle of Guinness Draft as the serving size instead of the entire six-pack.
My kids know better than to doubt me when I tell them, “My head hurts, my feet stink, and I don’t love Jesus” is a real song, and shall we check the jukebox?
As he watched her, bobbing, her head slipping under the dark water, her mouth gasping for lifesaving breath, a smile spread across his weary face.
The rope that would pull her to shore lay within reach at his feet; as she slipped into the depths, he focused not on her, but the unraveling coil below him.
I can’t expect you to know that I am suffering through a horrendous breakup, but I can expect you to display proper decorum at the front desk by refraining from grabbing your “man”‘s junk and talking about true love.
There’s not enough beer in the world to drown some tears.
it ran her down in the middle of the road, repeatedly smacking her with it’s horrible body odor and ridiculous attitude, taunting her with it’s unbrushed teeth and dirty pimply face.
I fail to see the difference between an old tarp and a sieve, complained Juan to himself as he surveyed the half inch of standing water inside his house under his new roof, put on his raincoat and headed for Home Depot at 5:30am to buy the last roll of plastic in the store.
I’m sorry that you received a call this morning from my phone, and I was unaware, though I promise that I haven’t thought about you for some time, butt, then, maybe I flopped down hard and some part of me felt the old yearning, and couldn’t resist calling you ten times to leave strange messages on your voicemail.
And then cats and dogs came pouring down, hissing and growling as they fell.
In fiction writing class, typically, when you read any manuscript you must address it to someone so that you become aware of your own voice, so imagine the surprise that took our hero when the paper with the most sensuous scenes and depictions was addressed to him without a second thought, but a second glance.
Minimalist Jones had only one dream,
And it certainly did not involve rain,
So when Juan asked him over
To help work on the roof,
He knew his poor friend was insane.
Homemade baked macaroni and cheddar, even in the worst of circumstances, is always welcome and gratefully received.
Who are you going to believe, your husband who says “it doesn’t rain in the South Bay before November 15” or some stupid newspaper reporting, “The strongest October storm in nearly 50 years is sweeping across the Bay Area today, forcing evacuations in the Santa Cruz mountains, wreaking havoc on commuters and causing power outages to thousands.”
Dear Noah, pls snd boat.
I wait at the wordsmith’s maw, drooling slightly at the thought of one more delectable word, feverish with anticipation.
Suddenly, everything was finished, so everyone went home.
“Slow dances depress the hell out of me,” observed my daughter, boyfriendless.
When she opened her mouth, it rasped in a dialect of dry bones.
When our hero isn’t fighting crime, he never fails to turn his eyes on his arch nemesis, The Man, but he doesn’t combat him in the normal sense, no, instead he chooses to eat all of his food, making The Man a bit cranky.
My friend Doctor E always eats his fortune cookie before dinner, claiming that one day it just might save his life.
If you do manage to get a girl to your room, and into your bed, then what?
When the person in the room above you inevitably finds a lover, and you are left snuggling the celling which moves seemingly on it’s own should you take a squirt bottle up the steps and separate them, or let them continue what sounds like the best night of their life for the remainder of 2 AM?
When the local open mic night, Words on Wednesday, disappeared we all knew that it wouldn’t be long until all alliter… was gone.
Every time someone tells me that the world is a stage, I utter “Macbeth” under my breath.
“Don’t let cancer steal second base.”
I’ve decided to revert to my reptile brain: sleep, get territorial, eat flies.
/begin rant/ Okay, That’s it, I’ve reached the breaking point, I’m completely fed up with fucking drugs and drug advertising and I don’t want to live any more in a society where people eat processed mystery foods and pesticides and surround themselves with god-knows-what-chemicals in their plastic toys and off-gassing cars and sit on their asses all day and rarely find their jobs or lives rewarding and then they suffer depression or chronic fatigue or a limp dick or thin-fucking-eyelashes and “ask yor doctor about AbiliHardOniStatAlys.”/end rant/
All rants aside, I am extremely jealous that I wasn’t the one who came up with the name for “Abilify.”
If I had to choose a friend with an obsession, I’d count myself very lucky if my friend’s obsession was music.
I’d like to sic my lawyer on everyone who has ever done me wrong, particularly those stupid bullies in elementary school.
I think if you poured $20 million or $30 million in small, unmarked bills on top of him, you could drown out the whiney voice of my better angel.
Relational society demands that certain clear lines be drawn, and that virtue lives only safely behind them.
Willard realized too late, right after the grant was approved, that his scientific research regarding the correlation between sweaty feet and sweaty balls might not be all that much fun to actually research.
The sound of the inbox alerted her to all that she had been missing.