It’s a good thing our fingers aren’t made of jelly, else pretty soon all the door handles would be darn sticky.
Oh bacon, I will miss you so much.
“You idiot,” two year old Albert Einstein told his babysitter, “I was referring to the statistical definition of jackknife which I thought might help me predetermine the length of this afternoon’s nap, but I guess since you’ve already fished that thing out of your pocket, you might as well hand it over.”
everytime i throw a line in the scrine pond i get a whopper (now if i could only find the job pond…).
When I was younger, I seem to recall moving not involving such a a disproportionate amount of sweating.
As inspired by: goliard's Chuckle King
Some say the waters of the legendary Fountain of Youth were not nearly as refreshing as sitting in the shade of the money tree, dangling your toes into the coolness of the job pond.
Motor oil has gotten extremely expensive lately.
My truck gets about 100 mpg, sometimes a bit less if I park it too long.
Would it have been more or less funny if that little kid had punched his brother in the face and said, “Charlie, you little fucker, I told you to stop biting me!”
I worry for the future of a child who, after five years, still has not figured out how to get out of an unlocked, parked car; this child may or may not be mine.
She used to pick the flowers out of the cracks between the sidewalks, nobody knew why, but she would, day in and day out, as if her life somehow depended on it; we, we just laughed, deciding instead to invest in the stock market.
It’s bad enough that I admit to sometimes reading them (perhaps this should be in the confessional), but please, please shoot me if you ever catch me commenting in the comments section of my online local newspaper.
In apartment living, it is important to teach your house giraffe not to stare at people when they are barbecuing on their second floor balconies, no matter how good it smells.
The chief quietly noted that 10% of the apartments were occupied by Megans, another 7.5% by Amandas.
The mysteries were not his to solve, yet somehow he found himself forced into a corner, made-up words his only hope of escape.
I bought the cordless electric lawn mower, the battery-operated weed wacker, and I already have teen-aged children; so can someone tell me why my lawn is still not mowed?
People look at me like I’m crazy when I tell them that the potato is the most mischievous of all the tubers.
One major reason to love summer: hot corn on the cob with butter and salt.
I chose this loud locale for my home solely to learn to separate my w’s and my v’s properly amidst the screams of “piss-guzzling ass minstrel,” “shit-swilling crap-belching vagina,” “pithy rust-encrusted testicle envelope,” and “burgeoning harlot, omni-wight-fucking chasm-cockpit, moss-growing volcanically throwing-up dick splitter, Blubberface McButtshit Taintlicker Esquire.”
“I am pleased to announce that as of this moment in time, I don’t have a single problem that’s not about to be solved by this waterglass of gin,” thought Juan, perhaps slightly too optimistically.
You bore me and I’ve met those far better at what you do.
The recurring dream that involves an itchy ankle, a sharp knife, and a damp feeling by my feet may feel free to stop now.
The walls were made of what first appeared to be the flimsy words of her mind, but, of course, were damn near indestructible.
“Keep the child’s head above water or the child will drown.”
Count Chocula isn’t your everyday vampire made out of chocolate, no, for you see he has buck teeth, and, when he was young, was made fun of for not having pronounced Canines - if only those chocolate vampires knew what would become of their fair Count, they might have been a bit nicer.
“No,” Peter’s lawyer told him, “spousal neglect does not mean that you forgot to sleep with some of your neighbors’ wives.”
What do you call a cool deer?
He thought the frown lines would make him look serious and experienced, but they just made him look old, tired and mean.
If there’s a day that can’t be made better by having sex, I haven’t experienced it yet (the day, that is).
When you have a job that doesn’t allow time / access to Scrine during the day, the solution is obvious, if unexpected and, in actuality, unwanted.
Being awakened at 3 a.m. by a raging thunderstorm is not as awful as being awakened at 3 a.m. by the phone, so I guess on balance I’ll be grateful.
Her sense of fairness left her indignant at the world much of the time.
Descartes and Bacon argued over the existence of the last donut hole well into the afternoon.
Why should Shakespeare get away with writing sonnet one thirty, and whenever I serenade a woman with “Baby Got Back” in an elevator, I get slapped.
Henry’s date slapped like a 200 pound hummingbird.
My father used to steal my AC/DC albums; he told me it was the perfect soundtrack for sex.
It’s “Purple & Gold” spirit day at my daughter’s highschool, and I’m the first to say I just really don’t get it.
For days since I’ve started planning to install underfloor insulation, I’ve suffered from massive, scratch-myself-raw itchiness.
Jesus (the one-eyed-super-janitor) looked with disbelief at the puddle of urine on the floor and the stinking-wet trashbag which he had installed the day before entirely covering the urinal clearly signalling “out-of-order” to anyone who was not both blind and forget-to-breathe stupid.
With a yelp of pain as he sat down “wrong,” Joe realized it was probably time to switch from boxers to briefs.
Does Susie’s SuperTaco, that shrine of 2am-I-must-have-something-right-now-to-absorb-some-of-this-alcohol, still exist?
Some days are so full of swearwords that it seems only fair that the air change colour and small bugs start dropping out of the sky.
Coffee O’Clock and Beer O’Clock.
Twas the night of open mic night, when all through the club, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Oh bacon, I will miss you so much.
So, a hipster walks into a bar and says, “this bar sucks; it is full of hipsters”
Sorry, roomie, your oreos are mine.
As pets go, the carnivore duck is not for everyone.
Sunday, so far, is looking fine, mild, full of chirpy Spring birds and the occasional blurred vision.
I’m an 18 year old girl that just got her heart broken.
Later that night, when the chief read her move-out letter to him, particularly her words “thank you for allowing us to live here,” he couldn’t help but think, “Yes, the eight days you lived here seem to have just flown by.”
Sure, there’s plenty of information, but it’s all in Swahili.
13 phone calls divided by 30 minutes = drug dealing + prostitution
“Oops, two second rule,” she said, upon dropping her unmentionables on the dirty laundromat floor when moving them from the washer to the dryer.
From the sound of things, it was obvious to Henry that his upstairs neighbors allowed their baby to play with a square bowling ball collection.
“I haven’t met your wife, but I’ve heard her moving around the apartment,” Bernard told his neighbor, “and I have to tell you, I have a lot of respect for a man who can marry a woman who wears size 29 work boots all day.”
If it’s Labor Day, then why am I doing laundry?
Gabby was never one to follow the “five second rule,” in any place, or on any surface, but she did, however, believe in one aspect, the calling of how long the food had been down before eating it, so, when she found a pop tart under her fridge, she quickly racked her brain for a minuted, and called out “three months, six days, four hours, ten minutes, and five second rule,” after which, she proceeded to go to town on the aforementioned pop tart.
After 98 straight days of work, the chief took Labor Day off so he could relax and unpack the thousands of boxes stacked around the apartment.
When Clarence the Literalist decided to go to town on some found food, said food was stolen right near South First Street.
Never take an unweaned house giraffe to a strip club.
Shouldn’t he be changing his name right about now?
All oddities eventually filter down to the church rummage sale.
When the conversation turned to half-pound gummy bears, Sammy realized that corporate America had in fact run out of viable, marketable ideas.
Welcome to this weekly edition of DELICATE MALES…
“Be it here resolved that henceforth when and if two gentelmen covet the company of the same wench, the bro who first calleth ‘dibs’ on said wench shall be entitled sufferance for such time as it takes to reasonably strike out or on duration of half an hour glass whichever comes first; at no point is it permissable to violate this right and codpiece block his bro, even if he hath consumed copious quantities of ale.”
Life can be a right mongrel, sometimes.
Chickens fear no more, The Great Aussie Chook has arrived.
Her spine collapsed under the weight of all the caffeine.
“This invention you call ‘escalator’ would appeal to my senses greatly,” Alceste told his guide to the future, “if its upper lip emptied out over the roof of this shopping mall.”
I asked my students to write a one page essay about themselves including a few topics of interest that they would like to explore more deeply; One of my students wrote, “Terrorism is an interest of mine.”
“I would have liked to have been on that Springer show,” Jocasta told her guide to the future just before she disappeared back into the past.
Grandma keeps trying to pry open the television because she thinks it’s a toaster oven she owned back in 1971; I tried showing her the remote, but all she said was, “That’s the stupidest butter knife I’ve ever seen.”
They say the measure of a man is how few keys he carries in his pocket.
maybe ii sshoulddnn’tt have haaddd thatttt thirddd monster javvvvaaa before the interview.
Chachalacas are okay, but not my favorite bird.
Being ignored on Twitter began to feel uncomfortably like the old days, when she used to be ignored on AOL.
Encasing a corpse’s feet in a concrete block is a good way to make extra mad zombies.
In search of some kind of transcendent truth, she read her way through the entire large print fiction section, hoping that all those books yelling at her would yield some kind of result.
This sentence is the last of my creativity, when it is through, I fear that any new thought will cease to…
I’m pretty sure the only reason Victoria got a cat was so she could invite me over to stroke her pussy.
The chief didn’t like serving them the 24-hour eviction notice, but he didn’t not like it either.
A Cincinnati judge tells the accused that he will no longer take his shit.
The late night air whirled in a manner that hinted of mayhem and violence; terrifying and illogical, tangible and tasting of bile.
With the extra s staring back at her, Glenda knew instinctively that Typo Thurssday held the promise of being more than just another day.
What hope do I have against global epidemics when really, I’m tapped just trying to keep the kids’ bathroom sanitary?
A long time back, Jukebox McGill had permanently stricken the entire works of Ray Charles from his repertoire; Juke mistrusted any man who was capable of singing the blues in a tuxedo.
He preferred his own company and never panhandled for words.
Is it bad that, while in acting class, we were talking about artists whose work really inspired us, and when one person said Halle Berry , I gave a resigned grunt, but when the guy beside me said Hunter S. Tompson, I began to laugh uncontrollably?
Be it henceforth known throughout the land that nachos are the official lunch of Thursdays (beer optional depending on your afternoon schedule).
Somer ys ygoon-out, singe “ah wel” at a resonable volume.
But what will the children think when I tell them that my so-called “dad jokes” developed at an early age?
My body is its own saboteur.
Eight ducklings leaping daredevil like from trees seems like trouble in waiting to me.
Nick Cannon decided to start hosting America’s Got Talent not long after reading about himself on Wikipedia.
‘Hey, I’m across the street now, I can see you!’- ‘yeah, man, see that long tailed squirrel coming toward me? wait for it…wait for it…’
It’s a giant WEEEEB.
Extroverted by nature, Howard nevertheless despised meetings and made it clear to everyone in the organization that his attendance at same would never exceed half.
Henry believed in the power of his lucky dust bunny foot.
Never walk faster than your shoes can take you.
I think that my dad has been watching too many Seth Rogen movies as of late.
Just because you have the power to email 1000 parents two or three times a day whenever something pops into your little head, doesn’t mean you should.