It’s truly remarkable how much aggression can be contained in a cleaning spree.
I can tell you one sure-fire way to get at least twelve well-educated and well-argued opinions.
What is a stripper’s favorite suite?
The busiest, tiniest kitchens are sometimes the heart of entire families.
there are some movies that i can watch over and over and over again; while there are some that i avoid like the plague.
Under pressure from the fire department inspector, the chief scrabbled to meet the long list of demands, including proper signage pointing the way to the PIV.
If I could arrange a meeting with me myself and I, we’d try to figure out a way to best forgive ourselves.
it was unanticipated just how many people facebook would reveal to be narcissists, exhibitionists or just plain oblivious (no, no one here) and then how fraught would become the problem of avoiding them without causing undue offense.
Keith worked hard and dreamed of the day he’d have Internet service once again, the sweat streaming from his every pour at 25 Mbps.
Sometimes when I’m working really, really hard I’ll take a short break and check the people.com website to see if I’m featured in the “Who Looked Hot This Week” segment.
Just because someday you will be working full-time again, and will not have the luxury of baking a cherry pie on a Monday afternoon, doesn’t mean you can’t bake a cherry pie right now.
“Boy, there are a lot of alcoholics here.”
When I am ruler, the currency for trade shall be cherries, all types, organically grown, and freshly picked at the peak of flavor.
As they turned off the lights and lay down, he said to her, “Do you remember where we were, a year ago on a Sunday night?,” and she was flooded with gratitude that on this Sunday night, they would not be sleeping at the world’s most depressing Days Inn, on the ass-end of JFK Airport.
For my regular hourly rate I’ll listen to all the crap your drinking buddies are tired of hearing.
Nothing has had a more profound impact on my spirituality than a sailboat at sunset.
Quitting a person isn’t so easy.
Vipers, either the car or the snake, make me want to spew.
Twenty three minutes and forty seconds after completing the equation that mathematically disproved the existence of God Professor Sternhausen was struck dead by lightening as he crossed the parking lot to his car.
As a water dowser Franklin was a bit of a failure, although if you were looking for sewer lines and septic tanks (by accident) then he was, by far, the most successful dowser in Broward County.
Whether on the playground, in the kitchen or at a birthday party, a game of jacks—with real metal and a bouncy ball—always brings back the good ol’ dog days of Summer, nineteen twenty-six.
Somehow, coming from her lips, the compliment sounded like an indictment.
After I am brought to power in a bloodless yet ruthlessly efficient coup, it will be a federal Class C misdemeanor for movie studios to use “Baba O’Riley” in trailers for movies that take place in the 1970s.
“I’m done making mistakes for the evening, but rest assured that I’ll be back on the prowl tomorrow.”
Xenophobia seems to be growing into a dominant trait among our increasingly thought-challenged society.
Johnson never seemed to have trouble when wooing the ladies, and scored high in all the major categories, until, that is, he got to the end of the third date, when, after he got the girl up a flight of steps and into his flat he would, without fail, slap his forehead in the middle of an amorous intwine, make a sigh-like grunt and announce to the room that he had “forgotten to buy willy bags.”
In recent history, I’ve ordered exactly two items from Amazon, and each time they’ve shipped me used crap instead of new items as promised, and then they’ve had to send me free return shipping tags and provide me free air shipping on a replacement.
“Yesterday,” Negative Bob told his therapist, “I almost smiled at my mother, but I didn’t because she was wearing chintz.”
As inspired by: OhNo789's Johnson shakes another off
Unlike his friend Johnson, Walter was never short of condoms, but women always seemed to leave soon after he’d say, “Just grab a couple of those ‘pleasure killers’ out of the big Costco box next to the toilet… heck take some extra home, they’re cheap.”
“No, Mr. Dong, while I empathize, you simply cannot write off as ‘advertising expense’ the money you paid to change your first name from ‘Thainee’ to ‘Long,’” said the IRS agent.
I suppose that after 20 years of my doing it to her, it shouldn’t suprise me when my wife turns around and practices a little passive agressiveness on me.
Henry approached the young woman sitting alone at the bar licking his lips like a hungry man getting ready to wolf down a plate of barbeque ribs.
The Democrats have gone way too far with their very successful Cash for Clunkers program, and need to stop implementing policies that work too well.
“We’re booked here for 21-23 August 2009.”
Hey, remember that time when a scriner went crazy and shaved off all of his hair?
Everyone will look hip in their pair of fashionable B&Ws—my latest eyeglass invention that turns everything black and white so that you get that familiar “good old fashioned feeling” when touring old and historic buildings; “It’s just like in the pictures,” you’ll find yourself saying again and again.
In defiance of his wife and neighbors, Leonard never washed his Civic; in time a solid crust formed over the entire car until one day, it chipped off to reveal a shiny Lexus.
Oh no, Twitter is down, whatever will I do?
Ever since deciding that money/car/house/stuff was not a reasonable proxy to measure “success” in life, Juan found himself adrift.
“Yo, yo, yo,” said her brain, flicking the lights in her head on and off, “you don’t have to go stupid, but you can’t stay here.”
Holy s**t, I LOVE me some brownies.
The problem with using rechargeable batteries in your mouse is being mouseless while the batteries recharge.
Stubbornly, the yeast refused to bubble, out of spite and self-preservation, no doubt.
As much as I liked The Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off back in the day, I still couldn’t help but kick John Hughes around a bit, saying that the last thing the world needed was another damn John Hughes movie; now, though, I wish we could have one more.
After having a breakdown, running to the comfort of the only girl that I trust, my ex, and accidentally rekindling my love with her, I’m going to bed after a nice night of mucking shit up.
Henry made the unfortunate mistake of thinking the “Day of Reckoning” would amount to nothing more than several old Southern guys swapping unbelievable stories.
Confronted by a giant, dog-sized bacteria manifesting itself in her kitchen, she quickly turned off the light, hoping it would slink away quietly.
Yesterday they killed Twitter and I said nothing; today they killed blogspot blogs and I said nothing; tomorrow, if they kill Scrine, I’m going to hunt down some hackers and kill-kill-kill.
Does anyone else have a deep seated fear of being chased around the kitchen table, by timber wolves, while wearing socks on a newly waxed floor?
Apparently the end effect of learning to create something new with your hands is to find yourself resentful and absent from most things online.
i see the words ‘nefarious’ and ‘plan’ looming near in my future.
Mr. E has vicodin for post-op pain management, sure… but I have wine.
Looks like a blue, blue day;
only wish that I could say
that this was rain in my eyes.
Suddenly the party of explorers halted, and turned back down the mountain, their three day climb had been ruined by rain.
The revolution will be fought and won with sock puppets.
I just found out that I can sue you if you say anything with which I disagree on your blog.
How does one determine if someone really is a “lie,” a “cheat,” or a “crook?”
Too early to do anything productive; Too late to go back to sleep.
According to the weather service, typhoon Morakat dropped as much as 83 inches of rain in some places in Taiwan.
I could really use a time telescope today, something to slow down the minutes so that I can fit everything in.
I’ve gotten to the point where I’d rather be kicked in the kidneys by an angry dwarf on crack than go on another shitty date orchestrated by some friend’s wife who swears that I’ll like the person based, I can only surmise, on the fact that we both enjoy breathing air.
I promise not to make any more jokes about Scrine being next to disappear.
I love our rusty metal bird.
I don’t know exactly how hot the blue part of the flame on a propane torch is (actually I do, but the numbers 1995 °C/3623 °F mean nothing to me), but I do know that it’ll take the hair and top few layers of skin off the back of your hand real quick.
this thing on?
I know that Keith is the emergency contact for scrine, but that didn’t help me much yesterday…Oh Scrine and Keith, we love you!
keith’s last visit: 11:59 right now! he’s amongus:)
When getting ready for your own wedding, it is not a good time to want to be anti social.
speak to us, keith! send up a sign! an early clue to the new direction?(betcha no one remembers that particular quote:) o keiths?
Hey, Keith, if you don’t poke your head up and say “hi” soon, one of us is going to call and see if your outfit will rent to people who want to move in bringing nothing more than their wiley imaginations and a rusty iron bird.
useta be lotsa keiths, but now it seems we’re down to nary a one. :(
I woke up and smelled the coffee.
Today my drunkard’s walk down the internet superhighway led me to a place where sentences and feelings collide.
It’s important to keep the gears in the brain lubricated with plenty of pinot noir.
has been spotted…I see his name up there, but chatbox is silencing me…
I love music.
i am content. but…if keith hasn’t had Internet service since the beginning of July, who was being him yesterday at 5:03? is IK returned? (o joy!)
JoAnne decided she’d better fess up to her dentist next visit about her gum disease since she was up to two packs a day.
If I can just get another 430 sentences down while Keith is busy this month I’ll finally catch up.
God damn it, Betelgeuse, just do it already.
If your spouse knows where the bodies are buried you might not want to engage in ugly divorce tactics.
Few people seem to know that Jose Wang’s namesake restaurant serves the very best French cuisine in Minneapolis/St. Paul.
And the sparkling, whirring, bullets that were the sugar-spun bees of Becky danced through the star-streaked night, across half a planet and, when they landed, planted a thousand kisses of daisies and delights on the coloured cheeks of the sleeping e.
Juan wondered, right after the words escaped his mouth and he watched the slightly shocked expression on Juanita’s face, how much less socially acceptable it was in 2009 to say “I don’t care if you smoke dope in high school as long as you keep straight A’s” than it had been when his father said that to him in 1980.
Maybe I’ve watched too many children’s movies, but I feel bad when I kill ants.
The commuter eyebrow - a mere hint of a raise, from one commuter to another - conveys so much and so many complex notions, that I feel it should be considered an entire dialect on its own.
My heart, his mind, the sky; I have it all.
John left only a milk carton when he said his goodbyes, a milk carton that was half gone and had the fur from his beard all around the opening on the top.
This morning I must’ve simply pretended to sleep over my shift, for when I called and asked what I could possibly do to repay them for three extra hours’ sleep, they granted me a five hour shift, which is seven dollars and fifty cents longer than my morning four hour.
I twirl around with the giddiness one can only have through being surrounded by amazing (albeit a little crazy) people.
There’s this one religion, which I’m told has a vast hobo following throughout the world, that claims that the Christian Great Flood story is nothing more than a foretelling of the time an Oregon man would go without Internet for so long that life seemed symbolically reborn when the service returned, but I’m not quite sure what to think, because like most religions, this one also leaves me confused and a bit skeptical because, really, when I read their holy book and saw that their “Moses” led his people through the desert, guiding them to safety with only the help of his holy bindle stick, I wasn’t sure what to think.
The chief worked enough overtime to cause two payroll accountant heart attacks and one very severe case of CEO indigestion.
As inspired by: grudknows's Giddy
Sometimes my good friend Stephen Hawking will stop by the house and try to convince me that for a civilization to consider itself truly successful it must learn to harness the power of its crazy people, and while his argument is strong and seems scientifically sound, there’s just no way in hell he’s going to trick me into connecting his nipples up to that car battery again.
I also must have hella lot of good karma coming my way, because they weren’t mad when I got there, and every one thanked me for helping them out - it was all smiles, lollypops and rainbows.
The Anti-Duck absorbed water like nobody’s business.
In my attempt to embrace nature in all its glory, I’ve decided to stop sweeping the floor.
When I am bored I fill my bathtub up with water and teach my marionette Jesus to walk on water.
The Anti-Dog was in no way, shape, or form man’s best friend.
I’m not sure, but I’d bet that it is de-grating.
“The Tale of OhNo and the USS Beagle - intrigue, battleships, anti-dogs, and rollerblading.”
As inspired by: Br. Ezra's Messianic Puppetry
Inspired by Br. Ezra, Juan decided that for Christmas he was going to have a puppy tree.