I’m repeating myself.
‘GADZOOKS’, cried the haberdasher, ‘Thine hat looketh so hideous that mine spleen is wracked with bowel-crushing anguish!’
My neighbor, Jerry the Evangelist, believes that I twisted my mind with the pursuit of philosophy while at university, but I see it as the time when I threw off the fetters of my Roman Catholic mind and sat outside of quaint Seattle coffee shops sipping on pungent Turkish coffees discussing politics with Jean Paul Sartre and Franz Kafka (whose insect phobia forced him indoors even on the hottest of days) until an impatient Simone du Beauvoir, vying for my attention, would smother my face between her Parisian breasts or the aroma of cheese burgers and French fries from the nearby Dick’s Drive-In reminded me I was hungry.
Sublime humor is a duck dancing in your underpants.
Although the magic had long since gone out of his marriage, Houdini knew he could always fall back on sleight of hand.
I’d give it all up (if I had anything to give up) to become a gentleman farmer and spend the rest of my years growing sunflowers and hemp.
Just having a body makes you vulnerable, but having teeth ready to rot out of your head, especially so.
Has anyone else noticed that people are shallow, ridiculous, ungrateful creatures who will find something to whine about no matter how fucking blessed their lives are?
The chief sat in his new tiny office, confident of better days ahead.
simply nothing like a new haircut to make you feel like a new person
Holding onto the life she had before and the relationships she’d become fond of was like holding onto water dripping through her fingers.
and take a step back, for the people you thought most important in your life may not have been the people who really fueled your beliefs and ideals.
I hope Karl Malden remembered to take his Amex on his last road trip.
Mondays are bad enough it seems, but on the Monday that Kafka awoke to find it that overnight he had been transformed into a giant cockroach it turned out that the super had scheduled a routine fumigation and the writer went form great mind to obituary topic before his coffee finished brewing.
“Maintain your form—ears over your shoulders,” said the exercise instructor, and I thought, “well, where else can I put them?”
In my experience, a letter from a lawyer is rarely filled with good news.
What are muslim olives greeted with when they go to heaven?
One of these days I need to figure out how to set my watch properly so the month turns over correctly.
Some of us (you know who you are) have access to doctors and psychiatrists and designer drugs; some of us have to self-medicate with chocolate.
Thank god that California, being the liberal state that it is, has passed one of the nation’s first Medical Chocolate Laws.
My local pusher has a the inside track on several kilos of just-past-expiration-date Starbucks truffles and this weekend I’m meeting with him at an undisclosed location for a no-questions-asked cash transaction.
My associate, Mr. Chimp, is, believe it or not, the lord of a tiny nation in the north sea known as the Principality of Sealand, and though it isn’t recognized by the UN, he still tries to throw it in my face all the time.
I hate it when journalists who should know better misuse words, such as when the 14-year-old Yemeni plane crash survivor is described as “courageous” which is a word which means “facing adversity or danger without fear” … you you really think she was without fear while hanging on to debris for half a day in high seas after her plane crashed—sorry, she was just trying to not freaking die/drown, no courage was required for that and I think it’s safe to assume there was plenty of fear. Plenty. /end rant/
The metallic bird, it mocks me… because really, how long does it take to write a sentence?!
Joey was fascinated by bubbles.
“67% of Nevada homes ‘under water.’”
Having a burrito that’s roughly the size of a child’s arm for lunch will make it very difficult to engage in the relentless pursuit of science junk in the afternoon.
Nice to see “CPU Usage” up at 80-90% for hours on end today, even if it is just the computer re-building the iTunes library.
Brevity should be axiomatic.
Now that I’ve attained the key to the executive washroom where the top 10 Scriners lounge, I’d like someone to please peel me a grape and make me a grilled cheese, if that’s not asking too much.
“Now listen, I don’t like this any better than you do, but it’s our patriotic duty to blow your ears off!”
I can’t believe IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes thought “The Squid and The Whale” was a good movie!
Omaha world herald states “Never Shake a Baby!”
Taking your kids to work with you can be a rewarding experience for all involved and will undoubtedly help prepare them for their own working years; remember, when they’re tired of working and ready to go home, just laugh and give them the standard answer, “Me too, but only seven and a half more hours to go.”
I’ve made it through the first two hours of this day and arrived at this screen without once thinking an actual thought.
Her Harley made all the car alarms in the neighborhood go off at once, which she thought was kick ass but was in actuality rather lame, akin to doing donuts in the donut shop parking lot after midnight.
The billiards room, floor to ceiling windows, carpeted floors, kitchen, pool and fitness room just about make up for having to share a room with someone else.
Happiness is ten pounds of Blenheim apricots, the last of the season, and a day or two to figure out what to do with them.
Even as she knew she was acting contrary to the advice of professionals, and was probably screwing them up for life, Prunella could not resist pointing out to her tomato plants how much bigger and more successful the neighbors’ tomatoes were, and couldn’t they try to be a little more like them?
Standing at the peak of the mountain, feeling serene and joyous, Jake could feel it all start to slip and disintegrate right under his feet.
They do, but it’s July fifth over there.
What if there is a God and he really does speak to her?
She’s been dead for so many years that you’d think I’d stop arranging meeting times with her in my sleep.
The courageous Henry hung on to hope that his coworkers would not notice that he’d soiled his trousers.
She wished she had fingers tiny enough to wring the necks of the mysterious paper-white critters that flew out of her tomato plants every time she cut back a leaf.
At the heart of the history of a nation’s birth is great violence; perhaps instead we could celebrate our better parts, the impulse toward peace and good will, the parts of us that don’t necessarily belong to any nation.
Glowstick bracelets and some sparklers combine to form the perfect Independence Day props for the 6 and under crowd.
Celluloid and cellulite are not, in fact, the same thing, as Claire later discovered.
Upon breaking the 7k mark, itunes suddenly decided that it didn’t know how to properly name songs, so now I have about a thousand songs just sitting around and waiting for me to buy software to right them.
some people are no more useful than a bucket full of beetles.
Time-travel napping sounds adventurous and thrilling, but not so much when you settle down for a quick snooze and wake up surrounded by robots and/or dinosaurs.
Inside the frozen mountain, the young girl slept and dreamt, each foggy breath making gently whirling spirals of colour in the air.
Conor Oberst, lets face facts, your songs lack basic musicality, and they always have; hell, every time you write something acceptable, and your voice doesn’t make me want to go on a baby punching spree, you mess up something as simple as making a song whose lyrics should both soar and be whispered, you flat line everything.
Simple pleasures floated like balloons above the heads of the smiling children, tied to strings and gripped so tightly there was no possible way they could escape and be forgotten, yet sometimes they did, but even then it was fun watching them float away.
I’m hoping I can cruise on wide-eyed enthusiasm for a while, while my actual skills catch up.
Polly was angry…Not typical angry, but that special kind of angry that rested heavily on her chest until she wanted to rip someone else’s eyes from their sockets just to make the feeling go away.
If I was half the man I wish I was, I’d be half a man.
Whenever I compare music libraries with my closest friends, I feel that I am suddenly part of a size contest, and I think that they fail to understand that it isn’t the size of the library, it’s how you use it.
You know it’s time to go home when you read “forensic technology services” with your eyes half-crossed with exhaustion as “foreskin.”
One begins to suspect that the real point of graduate school is to teach one how to be disappointed, over and over.
Under the sea…
I cannot get over this suspicion, this supposition creeping up my spine, that morning has broken something, something we may not have the energy to repair.
In the early hours of a cool summer day in 1953, a young Henry burst into the kitchen and announced to his parents that he had discovered a bean that could be ground and made into a refreshing, vibrant drink that he called coffee; his father, not once looking up from his newspaper, somberly informed the boy that coffee had already been discovered many centuries ago, but if he was so inclined, he might do the world a great service by helping his mother discover how to brew a decent pot of the stuff.
I’m not sure why I am wasting precious minutes of my life watching California plunge further into debt in rememberance of a dead guy that hadn’t had a hit in at least 10 years.
Ducks have no shame.
You must hire me because I can speak in tongues, I can talk on two phones simultaneously with ease, I know 200 languages, and I sparkle in the right light.
He’s just an unrepentant screaming asshole and the world would be a better place if he was dead.
The only thing keeping me from apologizing to everyone with whom I’ve spoken today is that my 4-color blinking neon I’M SORRY sign isn’t ready to be picked up from the shop yet.
Please do not write poems that try to be above the reader, and, for crissakes, learn proper word choice.
Regards,
‘789
“If you can’t handle the weird, get out of the field of law.”
Apparently I quit drinking without even realizing it.
This is what you get for trying to “clean up” your entire music library.
Where there’s a will, there’s a way… sure, sure… except for when there isn’t.
Remote control is the correct answer.
It’s actually pretty easy to defend a retrogressive, bigoted, hateful and inhumane point of view when the law is on your side.
Years ago an old drunk told me that “alcohol only kills the weak ones” when I told him I was worried about it killing brain cells, so today I offer up the liver corollary, that only the weak livers fail when alchohol is combined with painkillers and/or antidepressants, so really we’re doing Darwinian evolution a favor by pushing our livers to the very edge on a regular basis.
The first week Mindy worked in the hospital morgue she noticed that several employees were smuggling out bits and pieces, so she wasn’t surprised when her boss invited her over to his house for liver and onions, which it turned out, was quite tasty.
If the system ain’t broke and you go and “fix” it so it’s a lot more complicated and I have to re-enter all my account information and waste an hour on a transaction that should take five minutes, I will curse you and your future generations.
There is a race of aliens who feed off of people’s “good time and money;” it is odd, though, they look almost human, and work, for the most part, in places like the DMV.
Easterly winds in the morning are always prologue to havoc being wreaked by a renegade elf.
I told her her face didn’t need makeup because it’s already beautiful enough, which caused an epic eyeroll and face distortion, whereupon I rethought my point of view.
It’s the opossum life for me!
I like my food to talk me into eating it, to convince me of it’s hidden delights and, at the end, leave me smiling mysteriously.
When you walk into the bar and the first thing you see is the bartender face down in a stack of bar napkins.
Sure you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar, but a rotting corpse is best of all.
I’m hoping my lawyer serves a nice chardonnay and plays bridge.
I want the biggest BEST purple brandywines, and I want them all the time!
Eeney meenie peppideeni ooh walla walla meenie (I don’t remember what this even means).
I’m pretty sure Eli Lilly would be out of business if we’d just issue a copy of Nick Lowe’s Basher collection to everyone and make ‘em listen every morning.
“We are getting over 1 million calls a day at EDD.”
[Edit: EDD = California’s Unemployment Office]
Sometimes the only quiet in my week is spent staring blankly at the computer.
Watching the budget follies in her new home state (i.e. games of chicken among the governor, the legislature and the banks that will no longer honor I.O.U.s) and her old home state (i.e. “we’re the majority!” “no, we’re the majority!” “well, we’re locking you in and keeping the gavel!” “well, we have our own key AND our own gavel!”), Bronwyn couldn’t help but be nostalgic for the state of her birth, where state senators accused state court judges of trying to run them over in parking lots, where state reps insisted that it was physically impossible for pregnancy to result from rape, and where, to date, only one public official committed suicide during a press conference.
The chief enjoyed being the only resident of the entire apartment complex and spent his free time imagining ways to convince the owners that renters were an unnecessary part of their plan to get richer.
I would refrain from taking any writing tips, lest even a simple thank-you note turn into Criswell’s opening monologue from Plan 9 from Outer Space; on the other hand, I would not hesitate to ask if I could borrow that absolutely smashing angora sweater.
On Monday morning the rain stopped, allowing the delivery men to haul the truckload of appliances and the parking lot full of mud into the new apartments in relative comfort.
The Devil loved Vegas, but hated how much it made his jaw ache from all the smiling.
Are you going to kiss me, or am I going to have to lie on my blog?
After five thirty you stop pretending to go to sleep, and instead turn your attention on waking yourself up by any means necessary.
The best things about aging are the extra hair and the new body landscaping.
All of these fine points of Constitutional law are very interesting, but one wonders how much more interesting they would have been in the spring—say, *before* the Con Law final.
You are the dental floss to my popcorn.
Just don’t tell me it’s decaf, so I can benefit at least from the placebo effect.