It doesn’t matter what time I get up, it is always too early.
My life is turning out to be nothing more than one continuous stream of people busting into the room to spoil my good time.
‘UNCLE!!!’, screamed the man enduring the wedgie in hopes of impressing the judges with his ability at improv.
Luck annointed her gently on the forehead, fending off the twins, ill will and misfortune.
Before they let young, innocent students take up the oboe, they ought to make the little suckers sign release forms, indicating that they realize they will have to learn an entire hand craft in addition to musical knowledge and instrument-specific skill; that they will slave away for hours with thread, cane and a knife only to produce two grotesque Frankenreeds and massive hand cramping; that the good reeds, when they do exist, will only exist for a short period of time; that the bad reeds will spread their squawky disease to every other reed in the case; that the instrument itself will often break just out of spite; that they will never be able to lift the oboe to their mouth and know with complete confidence that anything other than strangled moans will come out; that they will hate the oboe with every cell of their body, yet experience emptiness without it.
Bronwyn knew that a decision in her client’s favor was all but certain thanks to her novel and well-researched Hypnotoad defense, even though Justice Scalia appeared unimpressed.
A carcass has never been groovy, even back in the 60s.
Without camp, whither the summer?
I’m glad to be a father one day because that means my kids will like my music preferences based purely upon its nostalgic value!
“Golden says Furries gather for social events but having sex with animals is not part of their normal behavior.”
“I don’t need this kind of drama from my drink.”
Did I really just eat a row and a half of oreos?
Allergies and contact lenses do not—cannot—play nicely together.
After waiting nearly two years, the birds finally arrived at my feeder; I almost didn’t have the heart to tell them I was moving in a week or two, but responsibility is responsibility, so I called out through the window, “Last call.”
The lives we dream for our children are the leftover threads of our own.
“For God’s sake, why do you think they call them ‘bumpers’?” snapped Victoria, exasperated.
“With this stupid, huge review assignment it’s like she expects us to remember all the stuff she failed to teach of this year.”
In yet another example of the fact that lawyers have seen every permutation of human weirdness, here’s the “cases-decided” partial news scroll that just came across my desk: In a breach of contract action for child support against the estate of a deceased individual, where the deceased adoptive father and his then wife entered into a reproductive surrogacy …
Arriving at Scrine and finding the cupboard bare, Juan realized he’d have to write his own damn sentence if he wanted to see something new.
Little Bear rarely envied the humans that passed through his meadow, but that day, spying the beautiful, shiny gold ring someone had lost in the stream he wished he had hands with which to pick it up, and fingers on which to wear it, or at least a pocket in which he couild keep it and carry it around.
This sentence was written by a trained professional working on a closed course.
It is a dangerous thing to leave the floodgate to the Comments column open.
I have two words in my head this morning, “maunder” and “spork,” and can’t think of any one sentence that encompasses both.
I would like to propose that the Immigration and Naturalization Service add a simple activity to the citizenship test… if you put the “forever” stamp on this way, 
you fail.
There’s no good way to dress up a cat roast.
As inspired by: Jo's Give it a Try
“The way he maundered on to the room,” Sara with no h started, maundering herself, ” with his spork dribbling cream of wheat into his lap, was enough to make me want one of my own.”
Nick liked to think of himself as the king’s right hand man, but knew he was probably kidding himself, since the king just as often used his left hand to brandish the whip.
Our ironclad contracts offer hard-nosed security and comfort with a slippery and illusive greased pig feeling that you’ll come to appreciate.
Does anyone know of a dance to make the rain stop ?
Wandering among giant balls of fluffy wool had always been a secret desire of Lora the Lynx.
X-rated pigeons are something you should not find yourself thinking about in any way.
“You’re not supposed to tell me to push my boobs up and out, you’re supposed to tell me to hunch over and hide them.”
You can’t be twenty on sugar mountain.
I finally did it; and I’m going to keep on doing it until it doesn’t feel right anymore.
The chief waited, growing increasingly impatient and cranky.
She lived in a mud hut near 101, with bugs between her toes and dirt up to her elbows.
Frankenstein’s approval rating was at an all-time high, but fell sharply when Modern Science published the shirtless beach pictures.
“Of course I knew of his campaign slogan “Of the people, for the people,” one disillusioned Iowa voter was overheard saying, “but until I saw those topless beach pictures, I just never fully understood how much of the people he really was.”
Why you shouldn’t take your phone into the bathroom.
Frankenstein convinced the voters of his bipartisanship when he agreed to make his medical records public, proving once and for all that he was nearly 38% conservative.
The priest that performed Frankenstein’s Monster’s baptism was nearly as shocked as the Monster was when they both found out that he, sadly for the priest, held a charge.
Bark Odogga’s enthusiasm was generally an endearing and inspiring quality; five am was not one of those times.
I’ve been “meaning” for some time to “share” this fun “find” with everyone.
As inspired by: The human interest story in Sunday's newspaper
Once upon a time, there was a dirty, poor ragpicker living in the putrid filth of the dump in one of the poorest parts of Vietnam—we’re talking open sewers and stench and danger where you are lucky to eke out a couple dollars a month digging recyclable plastic and metal scraps out of the garbage—who sold his beautiful young teenage daughter for a $60 “advance” to slick recruiters who claimed to be from the big capital city, coming to offer pretty young women the chance to escape their dead-end lives of grinding poverty by working for a new restaurant which was in desperate need of waitstaff, but soon after the truck drove away the ragpicker’s daughter realized they were not heading toward the capital city, but away, toward Cambodia, where rumors said, young Vietnamese women were sold into sex slavery by human traffickers, so the ragpicker’s daughter pulled out her cell phone, called her mother and had mom call the police and set up a roadblock at the border, where the traffickers were caught and she was put on a bus back to the dump.
The more I do, the messier it gets, but after three days of cleaning it looks like a slightly happier mess.
As the oily guy on the bus approached her, Bronwyn held her book higher in front of her face; it was with no small amount of pleasure that she saw her would-be masher’s face pale a bit as he realized she was reading Columbine.
The gaping maw of the San Andreas fault swallowed up her computer, her TV, and her priceless collection of Spider Man comic books.
Thank you Google, for putting up that moon-phases doohickey and reminding me that just because it’s daylight, that does not mean that the full-moon-crazies are not out in force today, and most of them are trying to hire lawyers.
Why doesn’t the ransom note ever demand lots of coffee cake?
Morning arrived dripping in molasses.
Once again, Juan faced the dilemma of the belt, falling between one knotch, too loose, and one, too tight.
Inspired by the many great blind blues artists, Jason decided he’d keep mastrubatingmasturbating until he went blind and then he’d learn to play the guitar.
No one understood the diplomat’s language, but judging by the intricate weave of his sweater vest, he appeared to be Canadian.
The bonus dream for hitting snooze involved the buying of a countertop keg-like beer dispenser at a garage sale for only $15, but unfortunately I didn’t dream fast enough and couldn’t complete the sale before the alarm went off again.
Dr. Kubota achieved worldwide fame with his groundbreaking study which definitively showed the brain is a finite resource and thinking should be minimized, but his crowning achievement, and his nobel prize, came from his brilliant research proving that the liver is a muscle which needs regular exercise by the introduction of a cocktail of toxins including alcohol, opiates and psychoactive drugs.
Wikipedia kicks WebMD’s butt when it comes to providing detailed, scary medical information.
came home for lunch, hub gone, gate wide open, llamas roaming the woods.
“I doubt even the experts from A1 Crime Scene Cleanup are ever going to get the stains out this time,” observed Captain Heinz, looking at the aftermath of the latest Catsup Clan versus Ketchup Clan machine-gun battle, where there had been 57 fatalities in the crowded restaurant.
The vegetables are no longer content to sit in one spot, placidly taking root, looking at the same back fence, day after day.
This hat looks silly, it had better symbolize something.
I hate Edward Elgar, and Othello by association.
Morning is for coffee/ evening is for beer/ and in between it’s pepsi/ seventeen I fear/ I drink them in the shower/ I drink them on the pot/ I drink them when I’m driving/ and yes, I drink a lot
I’m excited that the new Chinese Hummer sounds both pleasurable and affordable.
Rounding the corner, besieged by a formless-yet-powerful rage kicking about in her mind, she found an abandoned stiletto-heeled pump and a table display of overripe cantaloupes, and nearly wept from relief and happiness.
Unfortunately, it does not have an ethanol option.
We thought we heard hail a couple of nights ago, but it was only the fireworks from a graduation celebration.
Next time I misspell, I’ll replace my f’s with t’s to even things out.
If you toss the plastic bag with the last tamale in it into the microwave on high for a minute without removing the wire twist-tie you can get a pretty impressive fire going in very little time at all.
I’ve driven every street in this town and still couldn’t tell you where the Canadian embassy is located.
I’m offering an internship in shuffling children around by car, doing dishes, and feeding angry cats; applicants must supply references and cover letter explaining interest and qualifications.
When the bands Haddaway and Faith No More decided to team up, their first venture was to combine their songs What Is Love and Epic respectively, deciding that the chorus would go thusly: “it’s love, what is it?”
Mom always said that the early bird got the worm, but what is in it for me?
I’m proud to be an Okie from Facebookokey.
Have to start adding first person singular pronouns to my online senten…whoops…
The cruelty of my imagination surpasses my capacity for reality; powerlessness is the worst of it.
A good sixteen years with little kids living in my house (yes, there are five ranging from 3 to 16) has taught me one thing: make your point BEFORE you say yes.
As inspired by: The rather excellent Scrines of late.
All frivolous questions aside, do you allow Scrining at work?
Operator, my inkwell has run dry and I can’t make new Scrines!
When the police arrived at my doorstep earlier today they looked appalled when I told them of a big rusty bird who, it seemed, had a few bent wings, which prompted them to call animal control, who upon my mention of dangling modifiers transfered me to the doorstep of a local community college’s english department, where I was enrolled initially for class or two, and eventually became a crotchety old english teacher who occasionally had a word or two bouncing around his head with nowhere to go.
There are inherent troubles with wanting to have a meaningful conversation at one in the morning.
It is for living, not for living out in the wrong sized box.
… nothing more than a series of differently shaped boxes.
Though I can’t remember exactly why I painted my nails, I will assume, and tell you all that my manhood was challenged, and I had to rise to the call.
As far as housing goes, I’m partial to the angles in modern architecture, but aside from that, I’m a curves man.
My life is simply a string of those bathrooms with funky tiles that don’t seem to have a pattern, only the tiles are people, and I seem to be constipated with nothing better to do but stare and figure them out.
Children are to patience as nations are to politics.
No one in the corporate office knew that the chief’s new position with the company came with an invisible DJ hat.
I’m just minding my own business when I look down and find that all of my lucky charms marshmallows are MINIATURE lucky charms marshmallows!!
The longer I sit here in my desk chair at work, the tighter my belt feels.
She only read books with heroes in them, feeding her obsession with good and evil.
Note to self: When putting a spoon in a blender to scrape the sides, be warned that it may just blow up in your face.
Recent studies suggest breast fed babies score higher grades in high school and on college placement tests - conversely, exposure to breasts upon admission into college results in a decrease in overall grade point average among those same breast fed babies.
Spammers, hackers and all manner of evil neer-do-well who send worms and viruses out across the internet should have their fingers chopped off and mouths sewn shut.
“You’re not as funny as you wish you were.”
‘Interesting, 90% of the universe is missing’, remarked Einstein as he leafed casually through the latest issue of The Great Courses Catalog, which prompted Schrodinger’s cat to wheel out the whiteboard and perform some quick calculations – ‘see here’, the cat said as he scribbled fanatically, the dry erase marker squeaking with urgency, ‘if this is true then we might postulate that the drier in our laundry room creates a vortex via static charge pulling our socks into a heretofore undiscovered wormhole and into this missing part of the universe҅Einstein nodded, although he thought the theory somewhat dubious but was willing to test it out by dumping the cat’s litter box into the drier to see what would happen.
One day God simply wasn’t there, his brief note on the fridge door reading only: I was your polyester friend, you’ll do fine without me.
Somedays it feels as though I’m a donkey, just trudging along, with my undergraduate riding on my back holding a stick with grad school tied to the end, dangling in front of my eyes: I keep going, occasionally lifting my head to try to get that carrot…Ahem, grad school…But no matter how fast I walk, I just can’t seem to reach it.
Eleanor Roosevelt felt rather positively about beer.
Brushing your teeth is for everyone else, just like your funeral or your turn signals.
Joanne couldn’t tell anyone at her middle school that her family’s wealth had come from her father’s patent on a solution to eyebrow dandruff.
Logistically speaking, my ideas are fools for getting trapped inside my head.