The Kings of Benton County thought they’d commissioned an oil painting of their grandmothers’ worst fears, but when it never arrived they realized they’d mistakenly written “87-ton aggressive business model” on the purchase order, a mistake, the kings wholeheartedly agreed, that they could live with.
Can’t wait for them to be uploaded, they are a very epic series!
When you need to confirm your e-mail address for registration, make sure that the entity that originally provided your e-mail address spelled it properly.
It’s getting near dawn and I need to put my shoes on.
It would be several months before Keith discovered that his neighbor (who was Chinese) was not shouting “Oh, Joe!” but was actually shouting “Ou Zhou!” giving midnight voice to her love of Europe as she paged through her collection of coffee table books of European architecture and painting.
Thanks to the Internet, the golden age of the copycat had finally arrived.
After a day of reading sentences like this: “A shifting executory interest is a future interest created in a transferee that in order to become possessory must, upon the occurrence or non-occurrence of an event, divest a present interest of another transferee or a vested interest of another transferee,” you need a sentence like this: “Feeling ribaldly grandiose, Henry battled the duck.”
“Feeling constrictingly chivalrous, Henry screwed the duck!”
How is it I’ve been on Scrine all these years, in the midst of fine company such as ‘mouse, Br. Ezra, Keith, and others, and yet I have heard no mention of Hooray for Boobies.
That’s all - ok, so it’s NOT all - why all the gruddamned DUCKS?!
Keith keeps 1000 monkeys with typewriters who write about ducks; now I’ve seen it all.
Unfortunately, monetary success in life is seldom measured by your list of interesting duck verbs.
Why does the whole concept of getting sick and eventually dying from a virus that we can’t stop in this day and age make me think of that age-old phrase “when pigs fly.”
it’s all about who tells the best stories if you ask me.
just get crazy on purpose; minus the naked running around with fire chasing cops while brandishing weapons or small children.
Quokkas, I soon found out, should never be trusted with the car keys; the chaos that ensued was startlingly similar to that time I went on my South American walkabout and ended up “loaning” my wallet to that Andean condor.
question.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead…Or when the semester is over.
As inspired by: The Confessional
love is merely a trigger for psychotic episodes.
I think Keith is being far too charitable by allowing non-Scriners the opportunity to enjoy the subtle happiness of random hot bogus duck-related Scrine action.
Someone catch me up on the duck issue and the “bogus scrines” before my head explodes, please.
In those days I thought I had developed quite the rapport with Murphy; that is, until I absentmindedly ate his last Oreo (which was the last straw, and just bad luck on my part); little did I know the man was a lesser god and would stop at nothing to make my life a living (though amusingly ironic) hell.
Finally, clarity arrives from the World Health Organization.
Okay, it’s still pretty damn funny.
Randolph, on account of his germ phobia, refused to drink blood straight from the neck whenever possible, and as a result, soon grew weak and puny and, I dare say, more pale than the other vampires in the house, which is really saying something, when you take the time to think about it.
Oh, look, there go my marbles…
If you promise to leave, I promise not to stop you.
As a color, it’s not so bad, but as a companion it leaves room for improvement.
When you say, “Please review this document for me,” and I say, “I’ve reviewed it, if you sign it you will regret it to your dying day,” and you say, “I’m going to ignore your advice and sign it anyway,” then don’t come crying to me, or, actually, do come crying to me, but bring your checkbook because there’s going to be a serious retainer charged to extract your ass from this mess.
Just after getting up from the john Tim broke out in song once again, realizing as he did that this wasn’t his first offense - oh no, in fact he did it every day at 3:15 on the dot; just the day before James who sat in the cubicle adjacent to Jane from accounting walked in on him singing “I Want You Back” while he redid his belt, and and gave him a disapproving “dude,” whereupon Tim switched to The Cure’s “Why Can’t I Be You.”
Some people like to say, “in bed” after reading their fortune cookie fortune; I’ve started adding: “At the insurance agency” instead.
“Now” is earlier’s “later”.
Rare, indeed, is it to find oneself surrounded by so much grammatical activity involving ducks.
‘Sir,’ you are absolutely correct.
I would love to shake hands with the genius who realized you could use a laxitive to sweeten ice cream.
When someone invents a device that turns your ordinary car into one that burns water, the world will be saved.
Feeling abrasively white, St. Joseph of Cupertino warmed the chauffeur.
Liz didn’t like the fact that they put mousies in her hair care product, but she sure liked the hold it provided.
In time, he learned to accept their scowls as a suitable form of recognition.
Before you sign a document in this Luddite world, you need a writing instrument.
But it was really really good, especially the part about “party C.”
Everyone is telling me not to drink diet soda because it is evil in liquid form, but I’m doing it anyway.
Elvis is a perfect being and he has died for your sins so that you might conquer death and live.
And then he said: “If you go see Star Trek at midnight, you’ll get extra credit.”
I hope my future biographers will understand that like all good men of history, I, too, was as good as my word, and that when I said something I meant it, dammit, and that when I claimed, say for example something in August, that I would complete that something by year’s end, I meant year’s end, which, if I understand things correctly, can and does end in May in many parts of the world.
“My family ROCKS!” are perhaps the sweetest words ever heard at 7:15 a.m. on a Friday.
“This is a healthy exercise for anyone, but to do it in a public forum under the watchful eye of a metal bird is the ultimate in performance under pressure, I think (sometimes I have nightmares about that damn bird, but the terror is mercifully very brief and meaningful).”
life is just not fair to the nicest people
It was a taut, precarious bridge, leading only into the jungle of denial.
I realized that I’ve been away from nature too long when, on a late-night bike ride, my first thought was not that the air smelled of flowers and rain but of “spring rain”-scented dryer sheets.
Cat massage and dog consolation are among my superior talents.
I am drowning and in need of someone to swim me to shore, but what kind of person is a willing savior to those that aren’t sure they want to be saved?
Julia was afraid the dream of the baby on the cutting board and the giant cleaver was a sign.
If a package carrying music left Salem, OR by truck traveling north at 55mph Friday evening, it changed direction in Portland at 3:56a.m. Saturday, and it passed back south through Roseburg, OR at 3:05 a.m. Monday, still traveling at 55 mph, would it be delivered in the Bay Area on Tuesday, and if so, at what time?
Resources dwindle, egos expand and contract, while lawyers attempt intervention.
It would be a lot easier to spread misinformation via the Scwiki if it wasn’t for this other association between a completely different Pitcairn (cool auto-gyro, which she flew) and my friend Amelia.
“Why, of course I’m ready for the Con Law final,” said Bronwyn, opting not to mention that earlier that morning, she couldn’t figure out how to turn her radio off.
Having viewed photographs of genital herpes and crabs, every seventh grade student in Ms. Crew’s Family Life class took spontaneous vows of celibacy.
Original thought would be far more popular if only there were somebody to act as an original thinker that the populace could follow.
He moved to Hollywood California; to become a transvestite, and not a very good one, at that.
Beer has a lot more calories than Ativan, but you can’t burp the alphabet with anxiolytics.
He liked to spend a few quality minutes every morning standing outside the ladies’ room and drinking coffee from a cup sporting the phrase ‘THAT GUY’ with an arrow pointing upward.
“We have carefully reviewed the nude photos of Miss California… some of the pictures were lovely.”
When asked about the idea behind their new treat, the Betty Crocker C.E.O stated simply that “we wanted to show our consumers revenge is a dish best served either at room temperature or hot out of the oven.”
“HOLY CRAP that’s HUGE!” she said when she saw Keith’s… music library.
“She was my first love, or at least the earliest one I can still remember.”
When Julia finally picked that fight and stomped out, Mike breathed a sigh of relief that technically he’d kept his promise that he wouldn’t be the one to leave her.
Humbert had read many stories about fathers taking their sons to “professionals” to lose their virginity, but he thought it rather sad and unfair that there was no similar option for young women.
“This is more than closing the barn door after the horses have gotten out, this is closing the barn door after the horses have gotten out, trotted over to the neighbor’s farm, forcibly bred with every single animal right down to the chickens, come back to your farm and burned your barn to the ground before setting out on an arson spree that would take them around the entire civilized world.”
Just keep repeating to yourself: “It’s only the Constitution…it’s only the Constitution…it’s only the Constitution…”
Traumatized by the fires and earthquakes in Southern California, my cousin moved to a place with killer blizards and tornados.
In the future, there will be one perfect database with one perfect user, and the grand project will be fulfilled.
Pfizer has announced they’ll refill your viagra prescription for free if you get laid off.
Sunday Pastor O’Rourke preached about the evils of abortion; Monday he donned a wide-brimmed hat and dark glasses and took his daughter to Planned Parenthood for one.
I swear; I’m NOT a F***king HIPPIE!
Heroin Porkchop.
Scrine, stay away from my monkey!
Imaginary Keith audaciously dropped his birch!
The only problem with eating durian—which is actually quite yummy—is that my hands, and probably my breath, smell like baby poop.
Maybe she’s with him to try to fix him; otherwise, it doesn’t make sense.
I wonder what advice, exactly, Mr. Bacon would give to an incredibly precise timepiece?
Every Friday during lent the Young Men’s Catholic Association of Bacon Lovers gathered at the local grocery store’s small bathroom around a decrepit hand dryer (which had what appeared to be poo caked onto the side) to push the holiest of small metal buttons, and receive what they all most desired.
Please stop dicking around with me; I know that you have open admissions, so please just send me my acceptance letter so that I don’t go crazy.
After meeting the strange, toothless duck of a man that worked just across the street, Henry wondered if perhaps he wasn’t in the wrong neighborhood.
My life flashed before my eyes.
But, then, that is really the only way to correctly mate your judge.
Henrietta deserved better than the duck.
Always calls me back, always offers me shelter, even when there isn’t rain.
Of the daffodils, of the purple coloured turtles, of the details of the tiny ladybugs, of the giddy laughter, of the pigtails in bright, red ribbons, of her vibrant, startling youth, then stand quietly with her and dream and wish for magic and stories.
Thank you.
Only have to make diner, a salad, clean up the house, take a shower, put a tux on, and pick up Ms. ‘789 before four.
@.@ Just what are you doing to that deer, Scrine?
Juan realized he might have a snoring problem when he dreamed his neighbor was working on his lawnmower at 3am.
The label says I have to choose between excessive drinking and taking Tylenol.
And the customer said to the waitress in a very snappy tone of voice, “Arent getting drinks part of your job?”
The great thing about automatic sprinkler systems is the part about them being automatic, as in, no particular human attention or effort required; which is why when they’re not functioning, I start thinking seriously about concrete.
She was thinking about being a more interesting person, but then, she doesn’t owe you anything, which is a relief, because she is busy.
The hour between 7:30 and 8:30 is twice as long as the 3 1/2 hours between 8:30 and noon.
Julia found it always made her nervous when she’d overhear her boyfriend chatting amiably with her husband.
Little Bear looked at the broken branches, the shredded birdnet and the bear footprints in the mud and realized the farmer was not going to blame the birds this time, but with a satisfied cherry-scented burp, he decided that was a problem to be dealt with next year.
I’ll gladly pay you tomorrow for the student loan I spend today on donuts and beer.