I cannot help but see April Fools’ Day as just one more manifestation of humanity’s need to escape the horror of this ruthless consistency which reminds us daily that this, what we see and hear and feel, is all there is in this otherwise empty void, cavernous as the abyss, haunted by howling cosmic winds that swirl tempests of nothingness everywhere, hurling it at us, piling it up in giant drifts around us, burying us alive.
A cardboard wrapping-paper tube, some glow-in-the-dark-paint, two popsicle sticks for a handle, and a little rubber cement can make you parent of the year.
Polly didn’t know whether to rejoice or mourn when she heard the news that her ex’s wife had killed herself due entirely to his lies and manipulations: As many times as she had prayed for the woman’s demise, she never once believed anyone would answer.
Living in a state where no booze is allowed after 2 am, Polly was faced with a difficult decision: To drink RedRum and suffer the throbbing headache that came with the sunlight or simply go to sleep?
perhaps it should be scrinepost, or even scrinescribbler?
Neil loved to think things through while vacuuming, mostly because the noise emitted by the vacuum’s gentle motor suggested that the vacuum was agreeing with him.
If anyone has any bodies they need buried, I’ll be pouring concrete on Saturday.
Sometimes I wonder why I am counting down the days until I graduate, when in reality im basicly counting down the days until the debt starts.
It’s been nearly nine years since I’ve been to Zurich, but I can’t help but thinking that if Zurich were located in Finland, it would be very dark in the winter.
I’m know that the first S in RSS stands for Scrine, but I’m not sure whether the second S stands for Smatterings or Uganda.
So the group of us went shopping, and I resisted the urge to buy a big screen radio.
I’d be much more enthusiastic about dying if they’d start calling coffins time capsules.
Juan felt a little better about his crappy day when he noticed that the judge was clearly having an even worse day and was also losing his hair and his hearing.
“Okay, so your billing rate is 40% higher and your suit is more expensive than mine,” thought Juan eyeing his old friend Mike in the courtroom handling another case, “but you’ve put on 30 pounds in the last three years and you look like you desperately need more sun.”
I need a job desperately, but I’m unwilling to sell things over the phone, or buy things over the phone; though I would answer phones, if pressed.
My eyes are full of the images of history; the chaos, the beauty, the blood, and the grace.
Last night I had an incredibly vivid dream… of pouring concrete.
People pay me good money to ignore the advice my friends ignore for free.
Every week the Obsessive Compulsive Bar Soap Collector’s Club met briefly in Harold’s living room to proudly show off their newest finds before adjourning to the kitchen for an afternoon of aggressive, club sanctioned hand washing.
Naombo often wanted to complain to his wife about her cooking, but knew he slept too soundly to risk it.
As inspired by: 'mouse's speaking of cannibals, my bad.
What’s worse is I should have been paying more attention because last summer I made an almost identical mistake when I asked my Appalachian relatives to pick me up some ground chuck and they brought me ground ‘chuck.
Last week I forgot my houseguest Jamoch’s tribal affiliation and mistakenly asked him to pick up some “ground chuck” for me; I plan to just smile blandly when my guests at this weekend’s BBQ ask the secret to my great hamburgers.
Joey’s thoughts were so loud inside his head that he was afraid to go in the library for fear of disturbing the other patrons.
“Watson, come in here, I need you; and bring the Lawry’s seasoning salt, Mr. Lawry tastes very bland.”
“We will bury you…in a bed of salt and roast you in a 425-degree oven at 15 minutes per pound; you will be moist and flavorful, and our guests will be delighted by the presentation as we chip away at the salt crust!”
Now that I think about it Mr. Hooper was the epitome of that dying breed of men, the corner grocer, complete with stocky frame adorned with apron and a graying fringe of hair framing a balding and shiny pate that reflected Big Birds iconic beak each time he stopped by for a visit.
As inspired by: 'mouse's speaking of cannibals, my bad.
Cannibalism is an underrated way to deal with competing tribes over scarce resources, but only as long as you are working with an experienced chef, for example: Canadians generally taste good on Pizza while Americans are best barbequed slowly over cedar or mesquite chips, but under no circumstances should Mexicans be used in Tacos, which we admit is counter intuitive.
Matadors make poor doormen
Are you there Scotch? It’s me Br. Ezra
Easter isn’t so much about Jesus as it is an old pagan holiday joyously celebrating the fact that humans like to fuck like bunnies.
I have shared my nose fetish when it comes to women, but have I ever told you I like a woman with a cleft chin as well?
I’m sorry, but Br. Ezra just kind of blew any creativity that I had just there.
I’m sorry to disturb you, miss, but I have my library card, and I can’t seem to find the front desk to check you out.
relationships are silly, but hey, third times a charm, right?
In the company of like-minded bloggers in a beautiful location; o triumph!
The lights keep flickering angrily as the howling wind presses its nose against my windows threatening to huff and puff and blow my piglet made home down.
“The only problem I have my new clothes,” the Emperor confided to his royal haberdasher, “is that my penis often feels exposed and cold in the wind.
In the distance, she could hear the gentle sound of concrete being poured.
Many an opossum dreams of an adventurous life on the road.
It might be of consolation to you that there is always someone else worse off in some way.
Do they still call people in my position “noobs” these days?
A thousand lies have dulled the pain, but a million couldn’t make me hate you.
One day, you will die and a piece of myself will die with you.
When you die, part of me will finally be allowed to live.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about this city, it’s that no coat, boot, scarf, or umbrella can save me from such meteorological mood swings.
At first Joe was skeptical when Internal Affairs refered him to a psychologist, but after his his first 50-minute session he realized Doctor Sage, who had spent no less than 46 minutes doing nothing but nodding sagely, was someone he could really open up to about his problems.
Since early this morning, iTunes, despite being on random play, has played almost exclusively “Trance” music.
A successful concrete pour takes a lot of planning and preparation, and it’s a lot of sweaty work, but the end result is hard and very satisfying.
Brains and boobs are what attract me to a woman.
“Sometimes I don’t know if I’m cumin or goreng,” explained Mrs. Nasi, to officer Jones who picked her up wandering down the middle of Broadway, “My kids say I may be suffering from Alzheimer’s, but all I know is I get all mixed up.”
It was my first time, but I tried my best not to show my nervousness when the woman in sky high heels and a tight pleather skirt said, “Honey, if you’ve got the money, I’ve got the thyme.”
I know that it was only three days, but I missed you.
Secrets, secrets are no fun; secrets always hurt someone.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, don’t laugh—this time the prosecution really is going to prove that the murder was committed by the defendant, Colonel Mustard, in the library, with the candlestick.”
Even though I’ve had two square meals and will be having a third in just a couple of hours, I still feel an overwhelming craving for some kind of meat under some kind of mustard.
The current design isn’t bad, but I would have installed a red wire and a blue wire so that a man would at least have half a chance when the woman in his life is about to explode.
Blood is thicker than water; but it can’t quench your thirst.
The night was filled with sounds of song and drunken revelry, while thieves plucked our lives from their places; and between us, the thinnest wall…
I reset my green version today so that I could transfer a Bulbasaur, which, in case you’re wondering, is about 40 hours down the drain.
All I ask is that SOMEDAY there exists an ACTUAL mile high club and burlesque show featuring fifties stewardess costumes on a plane; I wouldn’t even need to go, just know that somewhere my vision has come true.
“All the internet wants is testicular pain, reproductive carnage, gonad harassment, ball busting, scrotal assault, wang misery, dong distress…”
today at work there was a little old man who was waiting for his son, i was his waitress and noticed that he had been waiting for quite a while and offered him my cell phone so he could call his son, before the two of them left after eating the man came up to me and gave me 10 dollars, it made me happy, but at the same time i feel guilty.
my last sentence was horriably constructed, but i just wanted to share the story somehow.
Megan wasn’t sure if she wanted a new phone with Bluetooth because she feared what would become of her smile.
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain and is quite the pain to explain the lame pictures you claim.
Hannah was disappointed when she found out that she couldn’t get her stitches to match her favorite outfit.
Sometimes idiots called the chief at 3 a.m. for no good reason at all, but usually they called him during normal business hours.
the rusty metal bird appeared to me in a dream… “write it and they will comment” it cooed in its raspy voice that sounds more like an old hinge on its first use in several years.
It wasn’t hard for the detectives to figure out that Bronwyn was responsible for the disappearance of the offerings from the public Baby Jesus creche each night since, after all, she was the one who told everyone that frankinsense and myrrh needed to be updated and replaced by saffron and Tahitian vanilla beans.
Hey, my memory is poor.
If so, please tell this person that the pirates in Africa do NOT dress like Disney characters. Except for the guy who dresses like Ariel and Belle on alternate days.
If Rick Dees had put on a fat suit and danced poorly when “Disco Duck” was released, perhaps he’d still be the chief taco inspector today. Way to throw away a career, Ricky.
A portable explosion machine would make millions and be satisfying too.
xoloitzquintli - revered by the aztecs to guide warriors from the living life to the other side after death; but mine died before me, now what?
The inchoate nature of my personality is evidenced by my love of poop jokes and adolescent fascination with boobs – but, who cares what my ex-wife says.
Zak had, so far, made an upwards of five thousand paper cranes, and she still wouldn’t look at him, but he had assumed that was because of the strange boil on his cheek, so, when he finally reached six thousand, and still heard nothing, he walked right up to her and wrote his number on her hand.
I was recently wrestling with a fairly moral dilemma, but I ended up throwing it out of my head thinking, simply, that if he left them by the computer, then they must be mine.
I’m going to have a sound pit for my play, and they are going to manufacture all of my sound effects.
sorry about that, i don’t know how that happened… What I meant to say was: I have no problem with spirituality; as long as it doesn’t get in the way of rationality.
It doesn’t fall like rain, it floats like feathers and paints the sides of trees.
Now there’s a word that’s gotten carried away with itself.
Either Polly’s DDD boobs were getting bigger or her bras were shrinking in the wash.
Denied by the first, accepted by the second, and waitlisted by the third; it looks like i was ment to go to the second.
Arriving in Hell, Henry found his way to his place in the 8th ring, now sponsored by Nabisco.
I believe that if I’m having a good hair day, everything else will fall into line.
To make up for multi-sentence ramblings, this
Back in Black really didn’t make any sense, especially the Mozart covers.
The thought of Henry Kissinger working as a Chippendale’s dancer was too much for me to contemplate.
The women look more fake than a plastic tree.
i don’t know about you, but my first instinct if I’m gettin mugged, is to bite off their nose gouge out their eyes, rip off their ears, and stomp their throat and neck before they even get to ask for anything…
Yes, well, I SHOULD be starting my work now, but then again the laundry really needs to be done, and someone might have posted something interesting online in the last five minutes, and - oh, my nails are getting a bit long…
The difference between pole dancers and plumbers lies in a few key pieces of equipment, though similarities abound.
As the sun shone brightly outside, she moved from chair to chair, trying to find a spot where she could research her final paper without getting sunblinded, while he sat in the other room, watching a movie about French Nazi cannibals.
“I thought that accountants were supposed to clean up stuff, but apparently all they do is make messes.”
Then Mommy looked long and hard at her son, Johnny, with his hands caked in either mud or chocolate, saying simply: “It is okay to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them and make better choices next time,” then silently to herself minutes after a good spanking: “I know I have.”
good things come to those who wait; think about slow agonizing death.
It’s very difficult to let someone know I like them when just the thought of speaking to them makes me freeze at the keyboard, and yes I’m talking about you.
When I think about the difficulty inherent in human relationships, I realize what a sick and twisted individual god must be, if (s)he does exist at all.
Autosarcophagy actually has nothing to do with cars or sarcophagi, though at first glance it would seem to.
I’m teaching my children to swear properly and colorfully, just as God meant them to.
“Sure I’m a hermaphrodite,” God told the stunned congregation; “I also have a pistil and stamen because, well, I’m just really into flowers, if you know what I mean.”
God marked perfection one jellybean at a time, though this was irrelevant to most of the phyla.