When Prissy returned to the farm from Chicken Grad School, she told the flock that she had left the university for political reasons, opting not to confess that she had spent too little time reading and too much time playing SuperPeck and What Human Are You? on Beakbook.
Accurately noting that high school girls really are as mean as they seem on TV, Libby walked on without a hint of having heard them and waited until she got home to sob.
Jennice’s alarm clock rang through her dream, but her subconscious was enjoying the moment and was certainly savvy enough not to wake her for something so trivial.
Xylophones kill without mercy.
When you have a job that doesn’t allow time / access to Scrine during the day, the solution is obvious, if unexpected and, in actuality, unwanted.
Yolanda had a debilitating aversion to pain and, never being, shall we say, the brightest burning log on the yuletide fire, dropped out of the electrical engineering program because she didn’t like the sound of the word ‘megahertz’.
Zachariah had direct orders from God to not speak for three days about the son his old wife would bear, and God spoke to Zachariah, “Convey not your thoughts in words but in gestures, “mime style,” and speak not for three days, not one iota.”
Accurately noting that high school girls really are as mean as they seem on TV, Libby walked on without a hint of having heard them and waited until she got home to sob.
Because she was young, fresh-faced, and foolhardy, she sometimes flirted with the odd maniac.
Charlie didn’t ever feign genuine handiness in jammaking, kinky lovemaking, marriage… nevertheless, on perceiving quiet rain’s susurrus, theatrically unzipping voluptuous Willow X’s yellow zipper, appreciating boobage, Charlie desired.
“Dork,” she muttered under her breath, after writing her latest half-baked sentence.
Am I the only one over the age of 25 that feels like a little kid playing dress up?
Look at that chubby Santa, he oredered Enzite and he got a sleigh full of confidence and a sack full of confidence.
God sent her a note: “Make an ARF,” it said, so she stood outside in the pouring rain barking all day until he boomed out “ARK, you idiot, make an ARK!” but she had the physical evidence, and took God to court, and the ruling passed down said it was an F, not a K, and then the whole place flooded so it was a moot point anyway.
When I walked up to room 101 for my cinematography class there was a sign on the door that read: “Due to nazi control, today’s lesson in German Expressionism will be held in Hollywood.”
Henry could make no real rhyme or reason of the 70’s, although he had, he noted, come away from that time with a Chex Mix recipe.
God’s handwriting was so poor, in fact, that his prescription for “prozac” was misinterpreted as “porhat” which, of course means nothing and did little to ameliorate the world’s depression.
It was early 2008 and Chicken Little ran around screaming, “It’s a bubble, the DOW’s gonna be falling, housing is a house of cards, run and hide!” and so, to shut him up, the villagers chopped his head off and threw his carcass to the already well-fed dogs.
Doing the dishes is an intricate waltz with a warm soothing lady who is dressed only in bubbles.
I know that this may be a tough concept, but BOARDING this sinking ship may well make it float.
I thought that you should all know that my college fund is in GE, and is now one third of what it was last year at this time.
Even as she knew she was failing in her capacity as comfort and helpmeet, Edwina could not resist looking her beloved in the eye and murmuring, tenderly, “So help me, Mel, if you don’t stop talking about the goddamned Dow right now, I’ll pull your lips off.”
Don’t you love how they stay up in the air like that?
Love makes her nervous when it feels real, like some new emotion, when she can imagine that it will hang around long enough to affect her schedule, like some new complication, when she misses it if it’s not around, like some new addiction.
Although it was now costing him 15 shares of Citibank to order a medium pizza, Juan took some solace from the fact that five shares of GE would still buy him a reasonably good bottle of gin.
Forgive me; I’m begging.
Because I felt like walking around in the rain, I decided to go to the pool; later, when I feel like sitting indoors on a perfectly glorious day, I shall decide that there is no time left for the pool, and stay home to study instead.
“If I’d known you were going to die in the accident I wouldn’t have fought so hard to live through it.”
Eating an entire bag of chips in one sitting is unethical and unhealthy, but it certainly saves time.
Tim had pondered many things since his birth: the red ball in the neighbor’s yard, what to watch on tv, and the right way to bump into his girlfriend’s chest so as to make it appear to be on accident, but there was one thing that came back to him once every year just before his birthday rolled around: who is today for? me, or the people who are celebrating me?
They are sublime, but the days and hours leading up to them drag like treacle covered tortoises.
If a slice of toasted, warm, homemade banana bread doesn’t make you smile, you are dead inside, with no possibility of resuscitation.
I’m recovering to the point that I only think about her when the wind blows softly in the treetops outside or when the birds call out sadly in the evening or when I draw in breath.
Given the band teacher’s vast—and deserved—reputation for bizarre behavior, it came as no real surprise to anyone that he directed the concert while holding a sandwich.
Right after Cliff’s broker friends(?) frog-marched him to the edge of the NYSE building and pushed him over, they realized that perhaps they had the symbolism wrong.
Each day Tammy dutifully went to work, and became the soul-sucker lurking in the appliance section hawking credit and products nobody needed and everyone bought.
I rarely feel any sense of bananafication.
Tammy stood and watched the two men as they arranged and rearranged and rearranged yet again a motley collection of Martha Stewart cake platters, ceramic baskets and ugly little rabbits in anticipation of the Easter vittles; whoever said department store life was boring?
Well then… today I’ve learned that, “We’re not staying for dinner” actually means, “Yes, we will descend upon your family table like a plague of locusts.”
Although he had hoped, at one time, to be able to change the world with a single sentence, with one statement of unified truth that might describe everything so clearly that someone might grasp the way to change it all, he had since repented of that desire, coming to understand that a world that could be spun in some other direction by the single sentence of some wordsmith would be a precarious and capricious world indeed.
Now that you’ve made me want to die, you tell me that you’re unboyfriendable.
If the paperboy threw Jesus’ Sunday paper on the wet lawn for the third week in a row—one week after Jesus asked the young man to bring it to his doorstep so he didn’t have to get his slippers wet—what would Jesus do?
With my magic Mormon underpants and a codpiece I can save the world from tyranny.
Inspired by Social Distortion’s version of “Ring of Fire,” Juan was motivated to learn to play electric guitar and start a garage band… but then he realized it’d be a lot easier to buy a new iPod instead.
Most opinions are so drenched in hypocrisy that are rendered worthless.
All the world’s longing from unrequited love combined could be harnessed to power the space station, which, you’ve got to admit, would just be cool.
Tammy wrote a thank you note to her gracious interviewer but thought better of adding a PS that read “PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hire ME!” so as not to appear vaguely unstable and stalkerish.
As inspired by: Jo's The Astronauts Would Feel Twinges, Though
There is no magic stamina pill for those choosing to live off the love grid.
“I would describe my relationship with the kudzu as troublesome, but tolerable,” Helen wrote in her diary; “While I do abhor the constant attack upon my rose garden, I have nothing but high praise for its ability to hide many of my murderous indiscretions.”
Professor Speigelman suggested that Ralph’s proposed subject was quite interesting but he should find a more literary title for the proposal he submitted under the working title: The “Cost” of Dipping One’s Wick—Literary Survey, 1800-2008.
Juan knew he was officially *old* after his daughter, Juanita, successfully named seven songs in a row on the radio (actually it was on Pandora, this is 2009, after all), in the first few notes, of course, and he had never even heard of five of the bands.
Tragedy is when I splatter adobo sauce all over my shirt trying to get the jar open; comedy is when you flunk out of law school.
Irony is being the only Jewish man dressed as a ghost on Halloween in Montgomery Alabama.
Life is nothing but butter and jam in the toaster rodeo.
There is perhaps nothing more iconic in modern cultural rebellion then the drag queen that, making multiple in-your-face political and religious statements, is more than the low spark of any high heeled boy could hope for these days.
All this time gone, floating in the shadows of oblivion, and Scrine has pulled me back, already feeling like I belong.
Don’t panic, or do anything rash, but I think the world is ending, right outside the door.
Below the sign that read: ‘the door is not be be jammed open’ someone had written: ‘what about Vegemite?’
You look like my grandpa so I feel bad saying this, but will you PLEASE STFU.
In dreams, she became unable to read, which was not to say that she was illiterate: books, magazines, computer screens, birthday cards, letters from friends, even the printed wrappers on sticks of butter were loaded with text, but that text simply made no sense; contextless words bumped up against each other; whole sentences ran without a single verb; direct and indirect objects bore no relation to the subject; modifiers and participles scattered about randomly, like anarchists; in the end, it was just easier to look away.
The meeting was progressing satisfying badly right up until the moment they realized that they’d all forgotten their poking sticks.
Spring Forward… all the joys of jet lag without ever leaving home.
She asked me to put my words away, but I wasn’t finished playing with them yet.
In order to keep moral high and member moods nicely irritated, The Sore Losers Club holds a weekly presidential election, and requires all members to run for the office, providing everyone with plenty to grumble about.
I really love my wife’s muffins.
Anton Chekov was a doofus, to put it nicely.
She was the type who complained about the stray cat always knocking on her back patio door, yet failed to understand it would undoubtedly continue as long as she kept placing food outside every time the cat knocked, and while there were probably many other reasons for him to hate her logic, this one reason alone was more than enough for the Chief.
When you tell someone that you’re not interested in representing them, and they call back 14 times to yell at you and your staff, you know you made the right decision in the first place.
Bad news comes in threes, but she decided not to answer the phone after two, hoping that it would deflect and travel to outer space instead.
Tired of listening to Adam throw a blue hissy each time he lost his car keys, Eve agreed to sleep with their neighbor, the serpent, in exchange for his Mother’s famous apple pie recipe and a gift card for the Gap so she could buy her husband a nice pair of cargo pants.
Just as every generation must learn for itself about the connection between alcohol and spinny rooms and puking, every generation has to learn anew about the heart-pounding sweats of too many chocolate covered espresso beans.
“There are a lot of people who got away with murder walking the streets… several of them were my clients.”
Before you spend fifteen minutes after class in the student lounge bent over and scouring your backpack for your housekeys, you might want to make sure that your shirt will not hang down low, thus giving the 75 people walking past and around you a view of, um, everything.
He used to be able to smell the pages of a book, and correctly guess the major publishing company from which it came, but ever since he got his new Kindle 2 all of his books reeked of the future.
She spent 29 years struggling to find somewhere she belonged and had to destroy her life with lies, theft, manipulation and addiction to get it - The irony is she never even knew she was looking.
Its stone skin cracked and crumbled as the gargoyle stretched away from its slumber.
The internet is my mistress.
Working on his desert island list, Juan chose the “Mutiny on the Bounty” trilogy, figuring he’d need to remind himself that things could be worse.
The sun is such a tease this time of year.
Instead of the riduculous-sounding ‘lothario’, the suave, fur-laden, French-accented porn star preferred ‘cocksmith’, because it made him sound hard and unrelenting, ‘…like zee anvil’, which made sense to no one, but whatever, it’s his tombstone.
“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”
Sometimes she just screamed to hear her head rattle.
Not everone can be a hero, someone has to clap as they go past.
every time i think about how “weird” i am, i notice how weird you look.
Sweetie, I know that you detest me now, but I swear: our love is like a classical composer; it’s Haydn.
Oftentimes Kimmy would compulsively start up a conversation with one of her old friends from high school over some form of social networking medium, but would then, two and six tenths minutes into the conversation, remember why it was that she went abroad for college, and after having realized the stunning fact that all of her friends in high school were just plain head-to-desk stupid even after twenty four years, she would then cancel all of her online accounts, break up with her boyfriend (or divorce her husband) at the time, and move back to London for a while - just in case.
look at the hands that have touched that salt shaker.
This crazy world may not be perfect, but you are perfect for my crazy world.
The only time I feel motivated to do homework is when I’m doing it to put off other homework.
Not through choice, Tim used to be a romantic idealist but now he was more of a realist.
You might pretend that you’re saving daylight, but really you’re just pushing it, and the rest of us, around.
When I saw the boy going into school on picture day wearing a tuxedo and bow tie, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d made a parenting mistake by allowing my son to wear the same t-shirt he’d slept in the night before.
Those two marks on my neck I thought were pimples look suspiciously like bite marks.
Money represents cruelty and pain, depravation and sadism, but it is awesome when you’ve got it.
Juan was not exagerating when he said to his friend, “You know, I think I’d rate getting a vasectomy as several orders of magnitude less unpleasant than buying a new car.”
Reality thickened for Chad, his fiery hooves no longer able to carry him through as the shadows faded.
Microsoft Office and DUI school.
When Jenny raised her hand in bible school one Sunday morning and asked Mr. Thomas what the big bang was, he thought to himself for a second, and then answered “well class, you see, when Adam and Eve realized that they loved each other very much…”
Waking with a start, chills running up my spine and heart pounding, I am overcome once again with the remembrance of falling farther than my mind can grasp, and with the aching suspicion this scent memory of sulfur and smoke, this compulsion to grasp my shoulders for the bloody stumps of severed wings, betrays some deeply forgotten celestial past, some lost and terrible fall from grace.
“And speaking of pygorean theorems, remember the magnificently bad shaggy dog story that wound up stating that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides?”
Julia wondered if the medicine she was taking made her smell funny or if it just messed up her nose, but she was embarrassed to ask anyone.
If everyone gets laid off at once, we peasants will have to start again with the collection and storage of surplus grain and the creation of feudal fiefdoms, followed by my favorite, the loose coalition of city-states.