Days like these, when HappyHoliday! attacks you with a vengeance, you just want to beat it back with all the force of early December, devoid of holidays, pushing it back into its little proper place.
Dear guest, Watching you be “Santa” by sneaking toys into your room while your children slept was the sweetest thing I have seen all day…Thank you and Merry Christmas.
Some people think life comes with a rule book, but many of us experience life as chaos and randomness, and find it somewhat freeing.
It came as no surprise to me to see Scrine’s first American pop culture reference (one brief, obscure joke in a movie that Scrinecast was somehow the preferred, secret communication device used by many UFO fanatics) would appear to me in my sleep.
I have a great deal of politics-related bile welling up from within and I fear that if not expelled soon, it will color my entire world a sickly yellow.
I’ve carried my Scrine bag for two years now, yet nobody has ever asked me what it means.
Having endured 44 Christmases, you’d think people would understand my deep desire to take the next one off.
Looking back at my last two posts, I am seized with a sudden urge to give every family member a Scrine bag this Christmas.
“This is clearly the work of the serial turkey violator known to his victims as You Can Call me Sir,” said Captain Jack, noting the unmistakable scent of onions, apples and cinnamon around the crime scene.
“KAPOW!” went the fireworks, and “WHOOSH!” went the flying platypus, the pigtails of the young girl rider flapping insanely behind her head, as if they were dancing in time to her laughter.
Old age struck quickly and without warning, and just as if it had never existed at all, the secret number vanished from within Keith’s head.
Polly found it maddening that the men in her life worried about her safety, but completely disregarded her sanity.
Being an opponent of the CARA branch of the MPAA and everything they did, he considered movies to be overrated.
Venus and Jupiter looked like eyes floating above the sliver of crescent moon - a smiley face the whole world could see.
Planning for the office holiday party took a dark turn when the all-Santa Dixieland band cancelled at the last minute.
“10,000 children per day starve in Africa — so that was thoughtful of them to use their apparent power to command God…to lower gas prices for the richest people on earth.”
Despite musical riches galore—iTunes open with a terrabyte of music, and Media Player open on the same computer with 20 interesting new songs just downloaded—I find myself listening to A Little Joy on their Myspace page.
I hope I never experience those steadily depressin’, low-down mind-messin’, workin’ at the car wash blues.
I feel like I am cracking a safe when I call Progressive in attempts to speak to a real person: I know success has been achieved when they promise to plant a tree in my honor.
It was the thought of hiding something so that people could find it that first excited him, but he did look forward to the seeking too.
With age seems to come the ability to see certain types of people as nothing more than irritating gnats.
It seems that through some sort of programmatic alteration, my use of a seven-letter word in conjunction with a triple-word score for a manly 97 points has been nullified, either because of a mandatory board-format change inflicted by copyright law or the fact that God enjoys mocking me in a Book-of-Job kind of way.
Evil crept into Tara’s bedroom smelling of Brill cream and Old Leather.
1. An extra bowl of All Bran cereal for breakfast.
2. 24 OZ Cafe Dark from Zombie Coffee
3. Traffic Jam on I-40
The ancient incubus stood over Tara’s sleeping form tickling her fanny with a feather as he leaned over and whispered promises of sin into her pretty little ears.
I’ll go throw myself at that exercise equipment in the vain hope that I can get the image of them at the hotel out of my head.
The collective brain-power in our office today, if harnessed, could light up a city (well, not a real city, but maybe one of those small ant-cities whose government had recently enacted power conservation measures).
During a phone conversation with a client today, she addressed me as “punkin”; yet, I don’t feel very “punkin-ish”.
I was just thinking “who do I have to pleasure around here to get some goddamn chocolate” when the landlord dropped by with this year’s Christmas basket which includes Lindt chocolate.
His arms were just too thin, ruling out any chance of a decent Indian burn.
She jumped right out of her skin, making it quite difficult to keep things from adhering to her muscles.
If I hear one more thing about Twilight’s bastardized version of vampires, I’ll take a hostage.
While many debate whether the establishment clause is meant to protect the church from the state or vice versa, the truth, which is more nuanced than either position, is that the framers, influenced by the petitions of many who had suffered at the hands of churches with too much authority, sought to protect all people, religious or otherwise, and also all churches, from other churches seeking to inflict their worldviews on them by wielding the power of the state against them.
Meanwhile, back in Rome, the debate raged on between the Pope and God whether the new campaign, “God Is WiFi” would cause trouble if people were surfing the web using one of the city’s new GodSpot’s and suddenly lost connection.
“Forget any thoughts you have about bacon,” the pig said to Cletus, “because no one, and I mean no one, kills this talking hog.”
Last night a story idea appeared to me in a dream, involving a nuclear power plant built straddling a golf course which remained in active use, but you had to ask the guards nicely to be allowed to play through/across the power plant’s fenced access road.
Today I flipped past the CNN website, saw the headline, “A Horror Movie and a Snuff Movie” and assumed it was about the automakers testifying before Congress today rather than the genocide in Darfur.
Tara woke to the sound of leathery wings whispering above her bed, her heart pounded loudly in her ears as she strained her eyes in the darkness to see who or what was hovering above her bed.
Captain Goldstein called off the raid on the Jewish deli after learning that 79% of all Jewish people have agreed to pretend that Bac-O-Bits are kosher.
There were many who worried the historic spice cabinet would contain an unbalanced mix of black and white peppers, which was an ironic concern when one considered the fact that it had never been any other way.
His mom played vaudeville,
His dad followed the circus;
Poor doorstep baby.
On seeing the new format for her long beloved game, boot started throwing tiles in the air, burning old boards and vowing unutterable, horrible death to every one involved.
* or, in other 8 rack, 12 point Q and 2 point M lettered words, nooooooooooooooooooo!
A journey of a thousand miles always ends with the last step.
He hummed them all year;
Many shot him dagger eyes,
Others pulled out knives.
and i’m all in july??? oh wait…
This psychology class has turned me into a hypochondriac with a severe case “penis envy.”
I’m not a stalker; I’m just waiting in my car just down the street because it’s warm here and I like listening to the radio.
Sometimes you don’t need the fancy frou-frou Death By Chocolate brownies and the Betty Crocker recipe passed down from the ‘50s works just fine.
If you doubt it, just try fixing the iTunes Genius application when it gives you a 4010 error.
“Her attorney has said that the diapers were her children’s and that she did not wear them during her trip from Texas.”
It’s the new sugar.
I might think that the espresso coffee machine does my bidding, but who is the one spending her Sunday morning cleaning, descaling and grovelling, might I ask?
Two great forces in the universe are Guilt and Procrastination, and the greatest of all is Remorse.
People do bad things in hotels: Despicable, disgusting things that they would never dream of doing in thier own homes.
I wish that I could be the moon for you.
Truck horns in the middle of a park, for one.
Hips swinging, Selma shashayed out the bank musing that while she had collected three phone numbers, two camera placements and one dinner invitation, she hadn’t obtained the information she needed for the heist, though she did seemed to have picked up a disturbing fetish for men in glass cages!
It wasn’t the slight that was nagging her, it was the uncertainty.
Tucking her chin demurely down and lifting her eyes, Selma smiled brightly at the worried looking young man, her nail tapping the glass gently; becoming a collector is rather expensive, it’s true she mused, but to look on the bright side, oxygen will run out eventually and the cost of upkeep will reduce accordingly—until then, she was happy to indulge herself in her newly acquired hobby.
I am not so much saying that there is no god as much as I’m trying to point out that your particular religion is highly implausible.
Shidoobie is the colloquialism for the aptly named Mexican Scat Dance that occurs 2-6 hours after eating at your favorite Mexican Restaurant – not to be confused with the similar sounding Shidoobie-doo, which is strictly improvised after discovering your rum y coke was laced with ice cubes made from a local water source.
Fred learned the hard way that you should never leave an unattended seltzer bottle in the same room with a bored clown.
“I didn’t say she was my niece detective,” an exasperated Sally explained for the third time today, “I said she was Anise.
Once your children turn 18 you stop calling the people they are dating.
If your mother feels it necessary to call your girlfriends, then you’re probably not fit to date.
“Flying to the inland Mcdonalds will get you some exercise,” they said, not understanding that he couldn’t.
It snowed yesterday just when they said that it wouldn’t, and I could swear that I saw a little bit of a sad love story in every single specks as they fell from their high place, cold and unforeseen.
Fr. Seymour hated serving communion to the members of the Catholic Vintners Guild whose response to the ritual, “This is the blood of Christ” was always, “sanguinary” – instead of the customary “Amen” – after swishing the wine in their mouth and spitting it into the empty ice bucket on the table.
The little old lady in the store made a beeline crashing her cart into mine, and I was so surprised I said “excuse me,” causing her to cackle with glee.
It was a love affair of such monumental proportions that no amount of mirror gazing could fulfill it.
Don’t criticize a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes, that way, when you criticize him, you’ll be a mile away and have his shoes.
If you don’t like the schedule, do it your damn self…
Putting an extra wiggle in her walk as she stepped around the three women twittering angrily at her, Selma smiled prettily in their direction as she mused that even if the information didn’t pan out, it was worth elbowing past the elderly women to get to the front of the bank queue, after all it was lunch time and she was now a responsible pet owner.
Bernadette smoothed her pencil skirt nervously, straightened the collar of her crisp white blouse and patted her bun to ensure every hair was perfectly in place; High Tea with Lucrezia was rewarding of its own of course but she always came away with the feeling that being too nervous as to actually partake of High Tea, she had just escaped by the nape of her neck and for some strange reason, has developed a distinct dislike for almond scented perfume.
I used to rent an apartment, a ratty, one-room jobbie with a shared toilet at the end of the hall, from a one-legged war veteran landlord with a permanent cigar stump perched in the left corner of his mouth, just a few blocks in the wrong direction from downtown off Broken Dream Boulevard.
As the margin calls took her stock and the real estate market took away her equity and then foreclosed on her dream home, Amelia’s heart literally began to fail.
Because life is temporary and all is in transition at all times, the people of the world decided to anchor time for one minute in which everything would be completely silent; it didn’t work.
Some days it feels like sitting at my desk waiting for the phone to ring is a lot like watching NASCAR races—you know there’s going to be a crash, you just don’t know who, when and how bad.
As inspired by: Jo's A Pin Dropped
I am thoroughly convinced that once a day a wave of awkward silence washes over the earth, and after the moment (or moments, depending on the time of the day, and pull of the moon in your area) men all over are heard telling their girls “I love you too,” and women in huge vaulted churches are heard saying “I do(?).”
I had to smile when I walked into my own home to find my “kid” brother (now 27) hanging by his ankles in my office closet , field-stripping a .45 while singing “Just a Spoonful of Sugar”.
When I die, I want my epitaph to read: “He never even had a rubber duck(ie) of his own.”
Work gives me the blues.
The fact that the date was horrible didn’t bother Polly as much as the fact that she wasted a perfectly good outfit and makeup.
Selma patted the glass pane in proprietary manner as she surveyed the new terrarium and the shivering creatures huddled together in the furthermost corner - sheer genius on her part of course, to acquire another pet; it would not do however to get sentimental and so wondered out loud if they bred in captivity, if only so she might watch them throw themselves violently apart even as she absentmindedly played with the air vents.
Surrounded by chaos, Samuel blinked in dazed incomprehension, wondering why he was left with the fallout of the perfectly innocent sentence, ‘don’t worry, I thought of everything!’
Contrary to traditional wisdom it is, in fact, important to live in denial these days because the robots that hunt us in the streets have poor eyesight and key primarily on our fear.
It was a homemade beverage mix made from what could only have been a combination of Nestea instant tea, powdered apple cider and essence of gym socks; still, it was hot and redolent of cinnamon, and what with the office thermostat constantly set below 60 degrees, a downright comfort.
I tend to imagine vividly all the generous gifts and acts of kindness I might offer at this season, and then I crawl back into my hole until February.
The CIA agents who bug your car have no idea what happened to your Hootie and the Blowfish CD, none at all, but suggest you not ask too many questions and just be happy with David Bowie’s Greatest Hits.
Google has confirmed my suspicions.
Today I learned where orange juice comes from. [Edit: Stupid interwebbynethingy]
Jason sat down in his easy chair by his tv, thinking simply about what had transpired while he swirled the remainder of his only bottle of red wine in the bottom of it’s glass, and while he though he couldn’t help but get a little bent out of shape; a second glass lay on the table, unused, and his phone (his only companion that night) lay on the couch beside him not making a sound, and certainly not saying “sorry” or “oh, we had plans?” like she had.
When asked to explain why she had put her older sister’s name on the coal side of Santa’s Naughty or Nice list, little Edit looked up and said flatly, “Piercings.”
Internet: Come for the porn, stay for the gynecology lessons.
I have every reason to believe it would be in the best interests of this country to appoint me Car Czar.
My favorite childhood memory (namely, my father teaching me to make snow angels in the front yard) was ruined as I grew older and realized that he had simply been drunk and unconscious while I moved his arms and legs around trying to revive him.
I’m back, with lunch, even!
As inspired by: Scrabble
we love q.
My wife says the new jacket she bought me is a very nice color or not strange at all.
As Car Czar, I promise to do everything within my power to revive the ailing and nearly dead drive-in theater industry to it’s rightful place in American culture.
The drive-in theater not only required a car, but once served as the breeding ground for the nation’s future consumers.
Juan eyed the sole remaining Guinness in the fridge, looked a second time, and then decided that beer for breakfast on a work day probably was not a good idea.