The computer was on all night, plotting and scheming and planning mayhem.
“Parenthood is like being an architect,” Rev. Darko advised a distressed couple, “in that, no matter how carefully you build a structure over 18 years or so, sooner or later, you’ll have to step back and see if the silly thing can stand on its own.”
Four times during the night I awoke, angry that the pages I’d written were all just part of a dream.
What’s the point, we all just die anyway.
I was a bit disappointed to see that the sentence titled ‘duck’ wasn’t about ducks, nor was it about giants, nor even about skeletons or pirates, so I’ve made my own and we can now merrily continue babbling inanely about giant ducks or whatever else takes our fancy.
I slept next to my daughter and picked up on her dreams of Myspace and mean girls.
Each morning Pedro reexperienced the intense pain of hatching.
Thirty minutes after she ran away from home, unable to answer the question that suddenly occuredto her, “Now what?” Joanne turned around and returned to her family before anyone noticed she was gone.
Today I saw a spiderweb and mistook it for a mouse and then I realized that I may just be a spiderweb that you have mistaken for ‘mouse.
Little Mary sat on the bed, and the sound that came from the old mattress springs was not unlike that of a cat in a trash compactor; she has been known as Big Mary ever since, but for no real reason.
Henry looked at his coffee table – dust rag tucked under his arm – and pondered why it was called a coffee table in the first place as he never drank coffee there or served scones, but it certainly was a great place to store books, newspapers, the occasional magazine and his remote controls.
“Ha,” thought the flightless bird, leaping out of the water and into the night sky, “damn it feels good to be a vampire penguin.”
So let’s step back and look at what is happening, here: The Senate put together a bill, sent it to the House, and the House said no; the House put together a bill, and then said no to itself; now the Senate is taking both of these failed bills, gluing them together, and is going to send them back to the House where of course they will pass it, because we are governed by chimpanzees who vote by flinging feces onto a target placed in front of them. [LOLfed]
With one foot on the curb and one hovering over the gutter she tries to walk like a lady, the way she was taught.
All after school snacks from now on will involve prodigious amounts of peanut butter.
My dream’s hero was slug-like in all aspects, but could produce a thin pair of walking legs when the situation demanded.
I don’t know why Sir Thomas Malory did it, but I must assume that it was because of a girl.
The first goose just flew by in the dark, honking his vacation stories to anyone willing to listen.
For love of a cruel and beautiful woman he came, long ago, forsaking all the good, sane and sensible virtues of his former life in that healthy, loving place of his youth, to this wind-ravaged wasteland of stinging eyes and unrequited love that is our hot and dirty town, Rockfall.
I can’t find my torque wrench, but I’m not sure it really matters since the various sources I read say the nut needs to be tightened to 7, 13, 17 and 36 lbs.
As inspired by: 'mouse's torqued
Apparently I’ve spent the past seven weeks taking notes in a language I do not actually speak, which does not bode well for tomorrow’s Criminal Law practice exam.
Were I two raised to the forty-thee million, one hundred and twelve thousand, six hundred and ninth power minus one, and were you the one, then we wouldn’t ever have to worry about division.
If I could go anywhere with anyone I’d go here with you.
Toyota just announced zero-percent financing; I’m holding out until they pay me to drive the car.
The T-Rex was a docile creature in the age before the fall of man – it lived side by side in the garden with Adam and Eve munching on succulent greens and, if you tickled his belly just right, would give Cain and Abel piggyback rides, but that all changed the day Eve got raped by a talking snake and ate the apple, and while the first family hid from their maker in the mangroves the mighty T-Rex decided it was fucking tired of eating salad all the time.
Between when I lay down, and my head hits the pillow, in that exact second, thousands of happy memories could go wrong; I think that it is the stuffing’s fault.
Being sober and unemployed has its perks at two in the morning…Oh wait, no it doesn’t.
Henry’s plan was simple: he would eat so many tacos on Saturday that the economy would have no choice but to bounce right back!
Until today, I did not know that it was possible to fall down while still sitting on the floor.
“Two kinds of trouble in this world: living; dying.”
The french onion soup was okay, and the steak was, well, fine by most standards, but the four hour drive there and back was the best; I only wished that my dad would’ve talked to me.
Get thee to a Phrontistery!
It might be an unusual name for a pub, but Cassandra was sure it would attract her sort of customer.
7a. Knowing what a particular grain sounds like in a metal tin.
As inspired by: boot's unexpected joys of cooking
7a(1). Being able to tell the difference between bread (high-protein) flour and pastry (low-protein) flour by the way it feels in your hand and the way it slides—or doesn’t slide—across the bench.
When I sit, leaning against the wall, and watch people pass by again and again, I am only trying to learn the steps for the dance in which I can never seem to join.
This whole Monday thing really isn’t working out for me… can we reschedule?
It was a one-man operation, but Google AdSense and some well-placed remarks in the comments section of A-list blogs began to lend the business some gravitas.
Angela grimly refused to buy new clothes until she lost all her baby weight, while her clothes grimly refused to stretch to accommodate her, and, as happens time and again in these domestic conflicts, it was the innocent seams who suffered most.
Omar found the trainwreck on Wall Street strangely mesmerizing.
Many of the neighborhood scoundrels hid behind clean-shaven mugs and shiny white smiles, but he’d seen them slipping out for their Sunday papers, hairy white legs poking out of their wrinkled boxers, the tight grip of Saturday night’s bourbon still holding onto their downturned mouths and bloodshot eyes.
Target on a Monday morning is an all-female proposition; it’s a good place to pick up married women in search of linens.
The chief couldn’t help but think that if he had become a dentist, cramming his hands into a small hole for a half an hour would have made him a couple of hundred bucks or so, but as things stood, he was just some guy fishing broken glass from a garbage disposal drain.
As inspired by: Keith's A Most Enjoyable Farrago
I’d always assumed that Keith was a medicaster of monumental proportions, but I may have to rethink my position following his sharing of a site chock full of the best word porn I’ve ever seen.
It was the though of a nice, quiet sleep that would eventually win the war for Jordan’s time and attention, but his newborn sister was putting up quite a fight.
He had written a short play, but had no one to read it.
The hateful sun, having burned off the cloud cover and fog, is beating down on our skin, trying to burn through to the earth below.
Each morning when Tammy awoke she gave her Magic 8 Ball a good shake…on that morning she asked whether she should just stay in bed and it said “Definitely,” but she paid it no heed…sadly it proved accurate when she was mowed down by a garbage truck while getting her morning coffee; the garbage man surprisingly had the same predeliction for Magic 8 Balls and he finally understood why that morning when he asked whether he could remove all obstacles in his path the ball replied “Outlook good.”
Walter began to have second thoughts about his regular Thursday afternoon beer on the porch with God date when God, on his third beer, said, “Whaddaya think about that plague of investment banks - much more creative than locusts, eh?”
Chad’s hope that he had finally met a perfectly normal girl dissolved when her imaginary friend Katherine told him he should burn his gay little shirt or come out of the closet.
The sky beat raw by thunderheads and jagged, twisted, barbs of hot lightening shed its torrential tear drops upon the army of solemn trees turned bright colors of angry orange and blood red by its seasonal war with death as they marched toward their final battle to liberate the summer king already slumbering in winter’s early darkness
It was one flaming hoop after another, as her butt caught on fire again and again.
Fender’s best job this year had been, without question, the flower shop; he’d forgotten to keep the roses watered in their buckets, and rather than admit his failure to his manager, he had tied black ribbon around crinkled rose stems by the dozen, and sold them as Goth bouquets.
The only thing keeping me laughing these days (other than Tina Fey) is LOLfed which has now begun refering to the No Banker Left Behind Act by the simple, eloquent and oh-so-modern term, “the failout.”
There is something very magical about being on this early, but I have no idea what it could possibly be.
The inside of a shell made for beautiful surrounds, but the echoes didn’t half kill.
I was thinking of the time, remembering your dark hair falling in front of your gypsy eyes, when you asked, serious as anything, distant look on your angel face, how the world will end.
I don’t know how I’ll ever get this coffee stain out of my soul.
Just because my wife is driving my car, does that mean she automatically has to call me every time she pushes the panic button on the key and can’t figure out how to stop the alarm or she forgets to put it in park and it won’t start?
My neighbor’s cat has adopted me and refuses to return home after I fed her for a few days while the neighbor was on vacation.
After the ceiling-spinning nightmare that was the vice presidential debate fiasco (“maverick”) Juan thought that “plunge” would be a fun way to alleviate the pain while watching the Nightly Business Report… bad idea.
Why do my children come to me for help with their foreign language studies when their mother’s the native speaker?
Someday it will be done, and something new will take its place; if we were finished the world would stop and we’d all fly off into space.
Long, floppy, bunny ones, if you would be so kind.
tick… she turned left and away… tock… she turned right and she died.
If you’ll come away with me, my friend, to the place where legends live then we’ll occupy ourselves with harmless deception, bringing the joy of story to the world and we’ll forsake these smaller duties and take on the lazy, easy tasks of heroes and gods - stay hidden and let the legend live, that’s all anyone asks.
Juan pondered the idea of setting up a Rent an Optimist business where you could always find someone happy and cheerful to talk away the funk built up by long days, weeks, months or years living around the same old sadsacks.
“The weirdest part of aging,” Dan mused, “is watching my chest hair turn grey.”
Having walked out on his family and hit the road in his old truck with nothing but his flea-bitten dog and his daughter’s guitar, Juan realized that he couldn’t actually play guitar; that was when he found a battered old briefcase and hung a sign on it advertising his only skill: Free Legal Advice, Tips Welcome.
As inspired by: Wonder Killer
“So in my dream, Simon Pegg was a zombie and he was chasing me around this house trying to turn ME into a zombie and I was all, “Shaun, cut it out, this is NOT COOL,” and then I woke up and heard it was raining and got pissed because I’m supposed to go see Death Cab OUTSIDE tonight and even if it stops raining, the ground will be all soggy and I keep meaning to buy a Neat Sheet but I haven’t yet so if we try to sit on the ground with the blanket I threw in my car, my butt will get wet and it will look like I peed myself but maybe that keeps zombies from touching you and if so that’s awesome because I really don’t feel like turning into a zombie today BECAUSE, as I said, it’s raining and I bet zombies don’t smell very good when they get wet. ”
Jukebox McGill stared at the statue of the fat Buddha and wondered which came first: the serenity to sit cross-legged, or the inability to stand up.
He was extraordinarily attractive,and except for the raging halitosis that drove away all but the most loyal of his followers he was perfect in every way..
it’s snowing on the rusty bird; can this be true?
The beginning of a sentence, some say, is more important than some connecting phrasing in the middle or some loose conglomeration of prepositional phrases and modiers stretching bridges between the promise of the beginning and the ultimate disappointment of the ending.
“I don’t like metal money.”
There are some courses in which a C is a badge of honor; possibly I learned more than in any other course in which I got an A.
Living in the cardboard box had become easier now that the rains had eased, but the bill for the torch batteries, by which she read her secret books, ran surprisingly high.
Someone said the sky is falling, but then George W. Bush said everyone could have bread and circuses, so I’m sure everything is going to be fine.
Georgette’s plan to give away everyone’s money but her own always left her cheeks flush and her pocketbook tingly.
On the eleventh of July nineteen seventy-nine the skies were clear over The Shire of Esperance; That was the day that the Sky fell.
That’s what I love about the English language — every word bears the fingerprints of our ancestors, many of whom were seriously strange.
is here
Ladybugs have never received a Nobel prize.
In the space where my heart used to live now sits a rubber band stretched around an unknown thumb and forefinger, pulled taut, ready to burst out of my chest, unsure of where it will land or who it might hit along the way.
“Would you like to try a sample of the bean pie?” said the guy behind the table, and from that moment, I was a changed woman.
There is a certain pathetic irony the collector of digital music will experience when he or she realizes they are comparing two copies of a Paris Hilton album to see which one is “better quality.”
Spiders were created with the sole purpose of scaring 8-year-old girls.
“the bears, falcons, bears, rams, texans, cowboys, redskins, vikings, colts, sunday…”
Rain Forest Rendezvous was the theme, but I couldn’t help but feel as though I was in The Most Dangerous Game.
I was just admiring the word paucity and how fitting a little word it is when put to appropriate use, so I thought I’d leave it here where it could be admired by an appreciative crowd.
What keeps me from the task at hand is the fact that it seems so daunting, but the reality is that once I start it, I begin to wonder what all the fuss had been about as I glide along and all the pieces start to fall into place until I finally look back over my shoulder and wonder why the hell I waited so long.
Noticing that the thermometer on the French doors read 45F, Bronwyn slipped on an extra pair of socks, donned a sweater the size of a potato sack, and put the kettle on.
If ever there were a spammer bound for Hell, this would be the one: Apparently someone named Allah Abbott wants to sell Viagra to me.
As inspired by: Scott's coolness
Backfloating in the hot-tub after a killer Saturday of physical work and realizing that the sky is perfectly clear and the exact definition of “sky blue” in a way which could not ever be improved on, and commenting about it to my teenage daughter who’s sitting nearby reading who agrees with me wholeheartedly and then jumps in the tub with all her clothes on in order to properly appreciate it from my perspective—that doesn’t bother me.
“I find dirty, sweaty, hard-working men sexy.”
More than yesterday, but less than tommorrow: I love you.
I would very much like to build an army of deadly robots so that people with relatively happy and quiet lives would stop taking for granted how happy and quiet their lives are and might even recall fondly these days before the arrival of the robot overlords, and while I tend to think that an army of deadly robots would probably do the trick, you may be asking yourself what such a desire says about me and, well, I can assure you that my reply to your imagined question is the infuriating silence that says both everything and nothing, so please, by all means, feel free to put that in your pipe and smoke it.
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She cheated; she bankrupt you; she wrote the note about split custody for the courts and the juries; she has been planting seeds for months to fuck you over; she has taken the kids; she set you up; she will win the restraining order, and in turn you will loose your government job; your kids are too young to understand, but this may well mess something up; you were always my favorite.
A shiver slinks up and down my spine as the grey of this time of year reminds me of threats and promises of old, ancient rage and righteous indignation, resolute footsteps approaching from afar, coming up the front walk at night, creaking on the first porch step.
This morning Keith’s goose flew overhead, southward, silhouetted against the glowing dawn, still expounding loudly on northern summer adventures.