If I wasn’t self-employed, I’d definitely call in sick today and go play in the summer sun.
You may catch more flies with honey, but vinegar will get you free stuff!
“I don’t eat blue food.”
“I put on my left sock, my right sock, my right shoe and then my left shoe—that’s just the way it is, and I really don’t want to ever hear anyone comment on it, so please don’t say a word, even now.”
It is important that we do not esteem a person’s public image so much that we place them high upon a pedastal, we may later find out that Jack Kerouc was a radical right-winger who was buddies with such luminaries as J. Edgar Hoover and Joe McCarthy despite his hard living beat image the hippies love so dearly.
I can’t get the 20-year-old memory of eggs benedict at Lucille’s out of my head and I’m about ready to buy a ticket to Colorado cuz of it.
It’s a nice pile of rocks though it’s decidedly uphill.
The contusions couldn’t be better explained after the dented walnuts and broken glass were found in Happenstance’s room.
Sara couldn’t explain her feline tendencies but she was content to perch on top of the refrigerator.
Squirrels, cats and ducks are the real axis of evil.
She always cared fiercely for him, and I know he loved her, though he could never bring himself to say…
Rufus thinks that it’s unhealthy for Schuster to fidget so much with his box of bullets, but my friend Schuster thinks fidgeting is the sign of an active, healthy imagination; “Besides,” he told Rufus, “with my fingerprints on them, I’m almost 10% less likely to put one of these in your kneecap someday.”
Peter thought the world must be round, because no sooner would he realize that he’d reached the end that it would occur to him that it looked awful similar to all the days that had gone before.
“There’s no air in this air to breathe!”
California, noonish, Monday.
On Saturday nights Peter’s soul would put on comfortable shoes and wander the empty halls, dancing to music no one would ever hear.
Words bounce off quasi-padded cells, like rubber balls off schoolyard pavement, losing a little bit of themselves with each impact statement.
The realist in Peter told him that making ends meet as a door-to-door cinder block salesman would be tough, maybe even impossible, but the optimist in him had no trouble believing in the simple beauty of cinder block bookcases.
Minimalist Jones would head straight for the door
When he spotted art he felt was too fancy,
“Too much color,” he’d say with a wave of his hand,
“And certainly much too Rembrandtcy.”
You can take her to dinner, but don’t expect her to stick around for dessert.
I’d rather everyone DIDN’T adjust their plans for silly ol’ me.
“A lot has happened since then,” he shrugged and looked over at the man he used to call a friend, “it’s hard not to change….”
The saddest common misconception is that life starts once you hit the ever mentioned “real world” that materializing the second you finish your education.
In El Paso, being able to speak only English is a veritable handicap: don’t expect to be finding work anytime soon.
It was then she realized that her sanity was failing her: Her days were filled with homework for a major that probably wouldn’t land her dream job, the only voices she heard came from the television or her own mouth as she spoke to the two furry things that had taken over her home: spending money that she didn’t have on things that she didn’t need had proven to be her only source of happiness: but she knew nothing else to do, it was ridiculous that one person could have this amount of control over her life; one person and one very real emotion had proven to take her down to the wires.
…work tomorrow, sunday, goodnight, for bed, tomorrow, in the morning, anus, off to bed, monday, to sleep…
Somethings are just interesting, but unecessary.
The chief was always intrigued by the different types of bugs the foreign nationals left behind for him.
They seem to hold the potential story of our life, yet unwritten.
Just caught myself very nearly turning away business because it would have cut into my time Scrining.
I just warned someone about the dangers involved in driving through states like Nebraska and Kansas, they of the soul-crushing expanses of nothing dotted with the occasional lonely cow and the bodies of other drivers that ran screaming from their cars having gone insane.
Having learned Spanish completely online, she found herself the laughingstock of the taqueria every time.
His wife having not made him molasses-ginger cookies in a long time, Juan caught himself wondering if some other woman’s molasses-ginger cookies could be substituted instead, but then he shuddered in horror at the thought that his wife might smell ginger on his breath some evening and catch him in such an unforgivable act of infidelity.
I seriously doubt my talking is hindering anyone else’s customer service experience and if it is, maybe they aren’t smart enough to answer phones in the first place.
We’ve got wheels, and I want to go for a ride.
Writing three books, going to school for 25 years, driving thousands of miles with the check engine light on, and going through a rather mundane divorce did not prepare her for this one particular bad date.
the beatles would just have come out, the president dead for half a year, and i’d be wondering how the hell i ended up here….
I feel like I am speaking in a dialect of braille.
I always thought that relief was a pallid emotion, but now I know that it is just a very, very quiet form of ecstasy.
If two-year-olds cannot be quiet, their caretakers should immediately remove them from the library and if they don’t they should be prepared when I go all Miss Jane on them and then dismember and chew on the tenderer parts of their kiddies in front of them.
The resident’s 30-minute story was a lot like The Neverending Story the chief thought, only without any point or adventure, or cute creatures or chance of escape, not to mention it was almost entirely about a complete stranger’s bowel troubles.
“Surely, I thought, there should be some sort of government fund to send women to Paris.”
“I’m walkin’ in the sunshine, girl, now that I found you.”
And with a heavy hand, Centerfold wrote just one more scrine so that she might overcome her giddyness of making it to 100.
Your Seedy Little Currant Cookies are one of the best storebought snacks I’ve ever had, perfect for the sweet tooth and full of healthy things to boot, but every time I look at the brand name, I keep singing it to the tune of “Jewish Princess” by Frank Zappa, and I just can’t stop.
I lost my short-term memory and, of course, I don’t have any idea where to begin looking for it.
“You can’t get them encrusted with rinestones in Baltimore.”
Laying in bed with him, all I can see is the swirl of ink across his neck, and I realize that everything is… wonderful.
After watching The Bucket List this afternoon, I can only imagine what my own bucket list would be like, and if in fact it would ALSO include kissing the most beautiful woman alive.
hiccups are only so manageable, as long as you’ve got a glass of water and a spoonful of sugar nearby.
Dear stupid phone: I hate you and can’t wait for the day the Big Pulse shuts you down for good.
Eager to impress his date, Carlyle insisted upon taking her to an upscale Italian place and ordering them both the carpe diem, which happened to be a halibut steak broiled in horseradish sauce.
As I sat listening to the OSHA rep instruct supposedly intelligent upwardly-mobile people not to spill formaldehyde down elevator shafts or fling e coli onto our lab mates, I was reminded that it’s been a ridiculously long time since I’ve had any gravy-based food and vowed to remedy this as soon as possible.
A durable bungee chord for rectal thermometers to prevent accidental loss during exam.
The ‘74 Pacer wheezed and coughed as it wound down the barren, rocky mountain pass rolling to a dead stop – operational word being “dead” – leaving Protogoras to wonder how he would get through Thermopylae now that the Spartans were looming off the horizon carrying cans of whoop ass for the Persians.
Not all grandmothers are great cooks; its the time and effort they put into the meal that makes it worth the visit.
Centerfold opened yet another door that she had not previously known was there, and lo and behold, was an amazing land of Scrine Theater!!
Some experts believe that use of any keyboard may cause serious injury.
In under 1.5 minutes, my boss can smoke an entire cigarette and be back before I’ve finished my sentence.
1 packet is far too weak for a mug of water, yet 2 packets is far too rich.
You know that cat that died of curiosity…yeah that was me.
It is an awful thing when you give the person you love best the impression that you don’t feel safe in his presence, even though, very often, his presence is the only thing that makes you feel truly safe; it is a new flavor of guilt, and I don’t like the taste at all.
It really IS quality and not quantity that makes things good, though, so very often, I tend to see it the other way ‘round.
After your twenty first birthday, all the rest just don’t seem as important.
It took me a few years to get around to watching The Manchurian Candidate, but that’s probably because the chip planted in my head wouldn’t let me.
It wasn’t a good idea, or even a mediocre one, but it reaped rewards in the form of speed and angle of descent.
Life without Scrinechat is barely life at all.
Upon picking up Soul Calibur 4, the young boy found himself baffled as he faced the most dreaded of opponents - KOOLAID: MAN.
Walter had a car alarm installed on his daughter’s virginity, which made him feel better about things except Tuesday mornings at 5 a.m., when the garbage truck would set it off.
Out here you can buy wine at the drugstore.
Hey j j Jaded, you’ve got your momma’s style but you’re yesterday’s child.
As inspired by: bakerina's Cranking up Beethoven’s Ninth even as we speak
Sure, it’s great you can buy wine in a California drugstore, but then you’re drinking wine from a California drugstore.
And as the sun sets on this day of many eights, I smile warmly and think only of that happy little girl I was once, the one set dizzy with joy by the sight of a curvaceous and sumptuous number, and I say thank you, number 8.
While I’m sure your heart is pure and your intentions were genuinely good and sincere, somehow I think that “namaste, motherfucker” is a self-cancelling blessing.
You may catch more flies with honey, but vinegar will get you free stuff!
tvnewshead just said “a lot of organizations in Beijing are now measuring the air…”
Maybe he’ll bring me a corsage.
Sometimes Peter dreamed about having a neighbor who would deliver his morning snore report without such a sour look on her face.
After Centerfold’s manager showed up at work looking like death warmed over, after a night in jail, Centerfold realized that she didn’t work with a single competent employee.
august sun slipping down into autumn sidelight: best time of the year.
According to the Financial Aid Gods, a student making $8.50 an hour no longer needs their assistance/funding.
I went fishing for opera trout on my day off and had excellent luck, catching a quartet by noon; one did sing a little off-key, however, so I threw him back.
My vote goes to the first candidate who will massage my ugly feet without trying any tricky business.
Seeing the scar on the back of my step-dad’s head is always unnerving, and it reminds me of how he’ll never be quite the same….
Sure, sure, I know it’s winter and, yes, I welcome and love the rain, but would you mind turning up the temperature just enough so that I can bend my fingers. Thank you.
The sound of rain falling on the roof lifts my heart in a very particular and inexplicable way, as if it links to back to a long lost memory.
The chickens, ducks and other such cluckery gathered around the call to war, each one pecking or scritching their names to the document and all that it heeded for the days to come.
“The only thing that might happen is that you’ll get a knock on the door in the middle of the night, and some strange woman will say ‘my boyfriend locked me out, can you help me?’, at which point you say, ‘uh, no…going back to bed now.’”
I saw the turnip fall from the sky, then skip across the surface of the lake, drawing closer and closer until it was so close I could almost smell the possibility of soup, but as luck would have it, my turnip net had a hole in it, so there was really nothing much I could do about it.
“Well, are you just taquitos-hungry, or are you taquitos-and-summer-rolls hungry?”
When Keith arrived at the dictionary fight, he was horrified to discover that he’d picked up a comic book by mistake, and tried to explain things to Boot as she closed in; Boot, being the kind and understanding person that she was, told Keith that she understood the rather unfortunate mistake, then gently squeezed his head flat between the pages of her own dictionary, somewhere in the W’s, Keith thought as he blacked out.
When you’re around, I forget I even own such a thing as an ‘e-mail account’.
Someday we will be able to cure short-but-nasty attacks of food poisoning through pure force of will.
Apparently all we have to do is sit still for a week, and boxes of stuff just migrate to our presence.
I’m hoping my cat makes himself useful one of these days straightening up and doing light housework.
Thanks to the utter lack of hot spots in the (not so) scary hotel that Lloyd and I have moved to, I am forced to pirate the weaker wireless connections of hapless students.
I have to remember that a sudden abundance of saliva, is your mouth’s way of lubing up for some serious vomitting action.
The chief didn’t collect the hair he was called in to remove from the hundreds of clogged drains, but he imagined if he ever did, he could have built himself one heck of a voodoo doll.
The circumstances have changed so can you really expect me to keep all my promises?
“If you can stand being openly mocked on a website owned by somebody in Tennessee,” he said, “and see your essay subsequently read and laughed at by people all over the world, have the whole thing remarked upon by your own friends over lunch, and yet find within yourself the strength to post another essay the next day, you may have what it takes to be a blogger.”
Minerva’s cat would hide under the bed for hours at the sound of a doorbell or a knock at the door; their more considerate and imaginative friends had a knack of announcing themselves by singing under the window.