I finally wrote my grandfather the last letter he would recieve from me but, in the end, he never got to read it and I never got to say goodbye.
What very few seem to understand is that the only thing I’ve really chosen is permanent company.
happy hurricane season
If you just keep an open mind about it, anything can be a bad omen.
Under advice of in-house counsel, Scrine has removed the word “stray” and certain other portions of the original “Raccoons & Matches” PNA series sentence, which now offically reads: Never let raccoons play with matches.
This particular series of events depends first upon a Scotsman arriving home in a timely fashion after playing a Russian in tennis.
Minimalist Jones was not much of a chef
On account of his not buying spices;
I once tried to demand
He not prepare potatoes so bland,
He replied, “You have too many vices.”
Yesterday I had a yard-sale and today I wonder where all of my former possessions might be, if they’re being well taken-care of, have already been re-sold, or have just been passed on to someone else to throw away, but wherever they are, I know they’ve gone to a better place.
“Tomorrow,” I said, “I’m getting my goddamn act together.”
As I sit mere hours from boarding an aeroplane that will convey me with gusto back over the Atlantic, I find that my reluctance to leave is checked by my liver holding a gun to my back (it’s complicated and would require a diagram to explain how) and whispering, ‘No sudden moves, just get on the plane and no one gets hurt.’
One day, in a land far, far away, justice will be served, and it will be served by a “loose alliance of peace activists, lawyers, academics and politicians”. Bless ‘em.
With very, very few exceptions, and regardless of how I end the sentence (“finish this book/write this paper/keep knitting this sweater until the interesting color changes occur/watch all five of the Thin Man movies”), the outcome of saying “Maybe I’ll just stay up all night and…” never ends as well as I think it will.
The subsconscious appearance of bad breath in a dream is to regularity, as general annoyance with people wearing shorts in the winter is to ________.
You’d think exercise equipment would at least power itself with all that exertion and sweat.
Happiness is spending two hours stacking books into pack-this/recycle-this/throw-this-away piles, kicking up dust, realizing that packing up the three rooms in which you’ve lived for 14.5 years is going to be an utter bitch on wheels and fearing that the amount of time you spend alone is finally taking a toll on your sanity and social skills…and then finding an unopened Côte d’Or Chocolat Fin au Lait bar in the pantry.
“Come on boys, I’m an introverted nerdy goofball… it shouldn’t be that hard to keep from feeling ‘real’ shit about me.”
A time traveler from our bleak and distant future visits my kitchen every night while I sleep in desperate search for cake - dessert is an unforeseen casualty of global climate change - leaving me with nothing but a few dry crumbs to mark his or her passing.
You can’t judge a book by lookin’ at the cover.
No, seriously, my computer, the one that gives me the blue screen of death every time my cell phone gets too close to it, is the (screwed up mixed up metaphor alert) proverbial canary in the the coal mine, gasping its cancerous little lungs out.
if anybody has any clue about this govt.coupon digital converter new digital anntenae crap would you please give it to me, because i got one and the channels are winkin and blinkin like nodeeeeeyyyyyyoooooossssshhhhzzzzz……
well, it’s not shit on a shingle, but its… (revealed in the comments column, of course)
Oh, I’m going there…
This is getting silly, so it’s time to put some of us on…
I’d like to report a crime—the extreme lack of chocolate in this office has reached epic and criminal levels.
For $8.00 an hour Peter would perform any job known to man except suck strawberry jelly from the center of donuts; that, as you might well imagine, he would do for free.
A loud sound, and it split asunder, and some of us were on…
The Great Chocolate Crisis of June 2, 2008 was narrowly averted by half a dozen truly excellent stawberries who saved the (gotta have something sweet right this moment or someone will die) day.
If I’m reading a book you can certainly take this to mean “please leave me alone, I’m happy in my world of words” and definitely not to mean “ah, yes, I’m only holding this book in front of me as an easy way for you to introduce yourself and start up a happy little chat with ‘good book is it?’”
Like dedicated Pheidippides who ran from the battle of Marathon to Athens to deliver his news of victory before dying, my laptop gave up the ghost this morning, three short weeks after allowing me to finish writing my thesis, so rest in peace, brave disk.
Sometimes J. Edgar Hoover’s ghost will take a swing at me when I bring up that whole business about the gunning down of Ma Barker, but the Bureau has no power in the afterlife, and his transparent fists barely muss my hair.
It always makes J. Edgar Hoover’s ghost really mad when I pretend at dinner to offer Melvin Purvis the last of the mashed potatoes.
I know that J. Edgar Hoover’s ghost is still really jealous of Melvin Purvis, so sometimes I’ll say, “Hey, you remember that time Melvin shot down Dillinger after calling out, “Stick ‘em up, Johnny” and the papers couldn’t shut up about how great Melvin was?, well, I was wondering if since your name is also Johnny, if you found that ironic or uncomfortable in any way.”
I love almost everything about my French teacher: her pixie haircut, her giant hand bags, her sense of humor, her graceful hand gestures, but she is so painfully thin that I just want to feed her salami and lard sandwiches until she can’t hide behind a broom handle anymore.
All of the active ingredients that make my cold symptoms better make my migraine symptoms worse, and vice versa.
There are many reasons I’ve lost hope, the fact that the commercial’s trailer for the new movie begins “With the release of his first R-rated movie….” being just one of them.
If you’re playing a game of online Scrabble with Boot, you might notice two very distinct, fairy tale like sides to her - as you wait for your turn, you’ll begin to think that she is a princess who has fallen under a spell and will sleep forever, but then soon enough she will rise from her slumbers, and you will realize that she is more like a fire-breathing dragon who just won a spelling bee, or maybe a giant with an impossibly large dictionary who lives at the end of a very scrabbly beanstalk.
At the shop of harmless eccentricities, Darko weighed whether to start wearing a velvet fez for writing sermons, or to prominently carry an ivory cane that once belonged to Emerson.
Madison’s idea of living dangerously was ordering tacos from a sidewalk vender who cooked on a battery-powered hot plate and a cart stolen from the IBM warehouse around the corner.
Het: Made warm or hot (‘het’ is a dialectal variant of ‘heated’); “a heated swimming pool”; “wiped his heated-up face with a large bandana”; “he was all het up and sweaty” [syn: heated] is NOT an allowable word and I don’t care what shit-for-brains-PODS says.
The Emergency Alert System interupted my favorite T.V. program last night to tell me that there was a tornado alert in effect until 9:00PM, but what really disturbed me was the black and white footage of Navy battleships sailing on the high seas and the footage of sailors in life jackets before and after the alert – I think I spotted Robert Mitchum and Glenn Ford at one point – causing me to wonder if tornado was an euphemism for the Nazis, and some last invading force was arriving 50 years after the fact to takeover.
That cat has thwarted every effort I’ve made; I’m afraid it’s time to get him his own damn typewriter.
Being single and childless I have realized, people with amazing children wonder what’s wrong with them and people with terrible children wonder what the hell is wrong with their children…
Hilary thought that since she made an ass of herself the entire campaign, it might look good in the next run if she were to bow out semi-gracefully.
H.L. Mencken lived in just one house
For nearly all his life,
Except for five years he was married,
When he moved in with his wife.
Mencken would often grab a beer
With Dreiser, his good friend,
They’d get drunk and cuss out Roosevelt,
And just generally offend.
Mencken enjoyed the nightlife
And was once asked by a stripteasist,
To coin a word for her profession,
He came up with ecdysiast.
Although I’m a big fan of using the tried-and-true four-letter Anglo-Saxon epithet in irritating situations, I do believe we need a new word for those moments when you drop a $12 bottle of spice mix and it shatters all over your kitchen floor.
What does “@#$%&*” sound like when spoken aloud?
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.
Charlie Bill’s nemesis Bugs Bunny often elicited a blustery, “Hold still you danblarn flibberigibbets,” as he attempted to aim his gun and draw a bead on the offensive rodent.
Jan van de Boer didn’t expect much from his love life, after all the first song he made out to was “Me and You and a Dog Named Boo” , but as he explained to Heather it could have been much worse since he was wearing headgear during Video Killed The Radio Star and, that being said, since he was considerate the occasional booty call should not be out of the question.
Some days I like to watch how many times the same phone number appears in a row on my caller ID before the customer stops being stubborn and just leaves a voice mail.
why does testicle sweat smell like vinegar?
As inspired by: Br. Ezra's Van de boer’s booty call
Juan wondered if his preference for flat-chested women could be traced back to that fateful day at the school dance in fifth grade, when, My Sharona playing in the background, he got his hands down Denise’s shirt for the very first time.
“When assembling Skuvnar, it is best to be two people.”
I’ve almost reached that point where I’d take work as a talking sitcom cat.
someplace where people habitually know their neighbors, it seems, lies a novel just waiting to happen.
The good news was that he’d gotten the chauffeur job for the talking dog; the bad news was that his new boss didn’t shake hands in the traditional sense.
Only two more interviews, a drug test, and a two day training seminar and I’ll be ready to start working at my new poverty level paying job.
Pretty they may be, but how many flighty, overly pretty people do you trust?
Heather figured that having only fifteen dollars to stretch over a two week period was pretty good considering she was a college student…
I told the dog today that no matter how tight our budget became over the next few months, I wouldn’t eat him; he thanked me, then asked me to put it in writing.
Thanks to a mistake on behalf of Bank of America, I regret to inform you, I can no longer afford my lavish lifestyle as a “Dollar Menunaire.”
Self-destruction customarily rises from honest attempts of self-preservation.
There’s no words to describe it; In French or in English.
Muriel wove her unsteady way to the coffee pot like a sailboat tacking in rough weather.
“The first, indeed the only, requirement of a diet is that it should lose you weight without reducing your alcoholic intake by the smallest degree.
There is no substitute for proper hygiene, except perhaps, living a lifestyle that doesn’t require it.
It seems like only yesterday that Bunni and I were here, planning what we would order on our next visit, and it’s gone, or will be in five hours, anyway.
Fearful that the bride’s side of the church would have way more guests than the grooms, Rev. Whittier suggested to those attending the wedding that they split themselves into two groups—sinners and saints—with each group occupying one half of the pews; that, of course, didn’t work out very well either.
The vitriol of the older sibling toward the younger is equivalent to the total tonnage of ordinance dropped during the invasion of Iraq.
As inspired by: Jo's All’s Not Fair
If life is awesome opossum why does it keep throwing vitriol?
Whistle while you work,
The Governor’s a jerk
Roselini bit his weenie
Now it doesn’t work.
i just got another one.
Dick Trickle may be living proof that a poorly chosen moniker can cause a child to grow up overcompensating by choosing an occupation that is larger-then-life such as NASCAR racer or big game safari hunter.
I really like Obama, but if it were a perfect world and a feasible choice, I would vote for R.F.K.
As inspired by: JadedBeauty's The honesty in betrayal
But she knew, she meant what she said and said what she meant because a promise is a promise one hundred percent: Through the deception, the manipulation, the abusive physical blows, and the selfish attempts to save another’s suffering ego, she could never love another if for no other reason than a promise: to herself and to the one that meant the most…Everyword spoken from both sides of the trainwreck were emotional, heartfelt, and destructive, but, alas, the mutual end all to be all, the ultimate regret, stopped/started with us.
Around the first and the fifteenth of the month, the inevitible utility bills for “Marcus Theard” made an unwelcome, yet refreshing appearance in the mailbox of 2006 and though she knew possesion was nine tenths of the law, around the first and fifteenth of every month, Serena attempted to retain what little sanity remained by drinking herself into anonymity.
When Jesus came back and took over Vegas they said everything would be different, but from what I saw, getting a decent hooker to wash your feet still ran you well over a hundred bucks.
Mickey swore that he named his series of janitor robots after “Hay-sus,” the one-eyed super-janitor who used to clean the corporate headquaters, but I knew that was just a PR story made up after the fact to quiet down the outraged Christians; secretly Mickey thought it perfectly appropriate that after cleaning up people’s figurative crap for a few thousand years, a real army of Jesuses (Jesi?) should do it literally.
Can someone explain to me how it got to be 11:00, and how I’ve managed to get nothing done, not even getting dressed?
When Jesus came back and took over Vegas, the first thing he did was change the city’s motto to Come for the foot washing, stay for the fun!
It’d been such a busy day that Lewis nearly forgot to wish his rabbit friends happy breeding!
I’m about halfway through the trial brief, and I am engrossed; Lloyd is just going to have to wait on dinner.
Einstein thought that Glenn Ford would have been perfect to fill the shoes of the titular role in his biopic of Frank J. Zamboni because he possessed that hard to define American grit, but Schrodinger’s cat felt that ice resurfacing stories are best told by actors such as Robert Mitchum or John Wayne because Americans wanted their heroes to have strong chins.
Danielle was uncertain about kicking her smoking habit because she wasn’t sure what non-smokers did after sex – have more sex, probably – and, truth be told, she enjoyed the nicotine more than she did the lovemaking.
Why does everything in our bodies need a mucous membrane?
I am pretty sure that G-d is a gag writer and that his first name is Shekky.
Don’tcha wish we could just all have a big Scrine group hug?!
I have discovered the inexpensive road to instant, but temporary happiness: Cherry Poptarts, Sangria, and obscure John August/Ryan Reynolds joints.
Her regrets about her past actions caused her to grow sullen and resentful, and the constant tabloid photographers didn’t help.
“Oooooooo, right in the Bronx!”
I often wonder if my sister thinks before she opens her mouth or if the random, often offensive drivel spills out on it’s own.
When the Internet broke down once and for all, nobody panicked, but they did start killing one another in a style the news stations called “Modem Style,” which basically meant slowly but surely.
Losing a friend poses logistical difficulties, like what if you ran into her at the store?… but mostly the problem is a black shriveled heart left behind.
“If you don’t want it, didn’t enjoy it, and wanted it to stop immediately, but never said no, is it still rape?”
Let’s go do something morally and mentally destructive to compensate for other’s shortcomings!
This is *my* house, mouse.
In my immediate future is a walk through bruising levels of heat and humidity, a lunch seasoned with habanero sauce and a margarita strong enough to fell an infantry division; all this will either render me into a paste, suitable for spackling drywall, or it will cure me once and for all.
Just when I thought this week was a normal school week with tests and assignments to overcome I learn there is a now a new challenge: learn to walk in heels.
I just discovered Charmed but I can say for certain that my homework schedule wishes I hadn’t.
How the hell does Indiana Jones survive all that stuff???