While the worst Buddhist in the world beat her boss to death after making fun of her meditation technique, the second worst Buddhist in the world enjoyed throwing water bottles at the heads of students in his freshmen comp. class who failed to give his Dalai Lama video the proper attention and re-enacting Ionesco’s Rhinoceros in his office.
Before you consider breast augmentation please consider this: size doesn’t matter (that’s what you tell us, anyway) and the size of your breasts aren’t as important to us as our access to them; I am sure I speak for most men when I say we just love boobies – big boobies, little boobies, firm boobies, soft boobies, pointy boobies, cone-shaped boobies, heavy boobies, pear shaped boobies, apple boobies, melons, titties and gigantic pillowy boobies – and that as long as we have visitation rights we are quite happy and we only pout if they are taken away from us.
Frustration came to me this morning in the form of going to sleep at 1 AM, waking up at 5 AM, getting ready for school in less than thirty, and finding out schools were opening two hours later today.
Juanita shouted at the kids, “Who left their damn Walkman on the table?” and they stared at her blankly.
I don’t think I have the charisma necessary to be an effective despot, which is too bad, as despotism appears on the verge of once again being both stylish and groovy.
Keith’s pajamas secretly wished they’d spend less time together.
My inner Libertarian accused my Inner progressive of being an AWM (Angry White Male) but the progessive doesn’t see how that is possible he has never voted Republican in his life (well..except once in 1986, but that was his first election and he was young and didn’t know better)
My inner progressive has taken up the practice of naming his turds after U.S. Presidents and giggling as he flushes them down the toilet; My inner Libertarian would be outraged if he could stop laughing long enough.
I might seriously consider joining any church that served brownies and milk for communion.
Rufus thinks that as much time as he spends thinking about women, maybe the world might just be a better place if they didn’t exist at all, and my friend Schuster, well, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him punch anyone quite that hard before.
why is that this chapstick only temporarily moistens my lips, and dries out so that they end up more chapped then before i applied chapstick?
Keith and Bakerina would crap themselves if they knew exactly how much time I spent on the “hot dog grill office desk”, yet the idea intrigues me so much that I can’t stop myself; this really is an office furniture innovation whose time has come.
“This town just hasn’t been the same since that damn Justice Trout swaggered in,” lamented Swaggert to his posse, all the while trying to figure out which bank would be considered upstream in the nondescript main street of Hallywalyhoochie.
Nausea was the end result of her foray into the hamburger joint; she left the actual vomiting to her ex-husband, much to her glee.
r.i.p.
“If you’ve never felt truly relaxed, don’t worry - it’s because you’ve never done it right,” Grandpa reassured his visitors around the hospital bed, clicking his morphine drip button a few times for emphasis.
but it’s always been a good bit: i teach the difference between 2d and 3d by drawing something up on the board and then, in trying to walk around it, walking smack into the wall, always gets a laugh, always makes the point, only, well, this particular time i’d momentarily forgotten that at present i am emcumbered with previously broken body parts; ow.
“Don’t stress, Mom,” said the Zen Master, “they’re coming to the party to spend time with me, not look for dust on top of the refrigerator.”
Immense complication: my week for custody, his parents in town, me along with all the plans as a third wheel, discussion of the summer’s travel plans which do not include me, no one talking about the oddity of the situation and me wondering what’s wrong with them all.
For this one day I don’t care about global warming, I’d just like the office (let the other tenants share the gas bill) to reach a comfortable temperature, which, at the moment, is about 80 degrees.
Steven kept all his old water bottles, carefully pouring his pee into them each day, which led him to become very worried as the conclusion became undeniable—much more went in than came out.
Just in case God ever asks, I’m ready to answer which herb and which vegetable the world could live without.
Until today, I thought that maraschino cherries were an abomination, not to be countenanced in any serious kitchen, but I’ll be damned if Roland Mesnier didn’t find a way to change my mind.
I faced my fears and I did it while wearing a sexy little number from Versace
Jan van de Boer began to think he was spending too much time with his girlfriend the night she worked late and he was home alone with a pint of chocolate chip mint and the Lifetime movie channel.
It’s hiding in her ears.
Peta: people eating tasty animals.
Rufus made it about halfway through his thoughts regarding the attention span of Americans before my friend Schuster grew bored and made him change the subject.
Spotting the glisten of Luna’s charm upon the frozen dog poop, Carl felt betrayed.
The Lemon and Cracked Pepper Kid was probably the only outlaw the Justice Trout feared, maybe him and Wild BBQ Hickock, but mostly only when they were riding together.
Yes, they are, indeed.
As inspired by: Boot's 500 word sentence which rolled up in random scrine yesterday but which I cannot easily find right now!
The distraction I felt was clearly obvious to all, culminating in an intervention almost, with a coworker concernedly asking me why, recently moreso than ever, and the answer was so simple yet at the same time, its simplicity seemed to increase its complexity and it occurred to me to say “do you know what it’s like to lack feeling, not just feel apathetic for a time, but really, consciously stop feeling to avoid pain, not mental anguish, but physical pain, and you don’t realise that the pain you avoid isn’t all you stop feeling and the longer it goes on, the easier it is not to realise - I mean you know something is missing but you couldn’t put your finger on what it is - but then something happens, something wonderful which you could not have hoped to set out to achieve, was furthest from your mind really as from where you were you would not have been able to comprehend this sensation,” and it is at this point that I would have paused, uncertain as to what I would say next because whatever it is, when considered, must happen to others somewhere everyday, though I wonder if it does, and if it did, it wouldn’t necessarily be the same surely, indeed couldn’t be the same as for me, couldn’t be found where I found it and although two people, or two million, could come upon my catalyst, it would not be a key for them and they would pass it by with only a cursory, superficial acknowledgement, if even that, and this loss wouldn’t be felt, not by them anyway, and it occurs to me that that had been me and I never knew, so I could not expect them to understand; nevertheless I would feel obliged to continue, in part to appear as though I had actually been considering what it was that was distracting me rather than allowing it to flow through me unchecked - not unremarked just unhindered by active thought - but also to discover if this person too had experienced this marvel and recognised it in me, and so I would resume “this sensation which pulses like a beacon, guiding you from somewhere to somewhere else although you can’t distinguish either place until you get where you’re going at which point you can’t really recall the journey, it has absorbed that from you and, although unfortunate as it means you can’t learn how a journey of this nature is made, also means you should find it harder to return, at least via the same path, and further, makes it so much easier to leave the dark past where it belongs allowing you to look forward unsullied by such burdens and with a renewed capacity to feel; do you know what that’s like?” though I suspect at this point it would be clear that they did not and it wouldn’t matter to me if they did and so I say “I was thinking about a girl.”
Homeowners are always demanding that I build them a weed-free landscape, but that seems an awful lot like asking me to help them rearrange their bathroom countertops and at the same time make sure that when they shit their butts don’t get dirty; sorry, folks, but weeds and dirty butts are all just part of God’s suburban dream.
I love books…I really do…but this doesn’t mean that I want to spend my afterlife lost in the stacks of some ethereal library clutching my bottle of anti-depressants as I talk outloud to my imaginary friends.
Science writing, sadly, isn’t like regular writing, in that stream-of-conscious spewage doesn’t impress anyone and certainly won’t cure The Cancer that we’ve heard so much about in movies and on TV.
“You’d better get some Chapstick: I’m pretty sure healthy lips aren’t supposed to squeak like that.”
I have now arrived in Kansas and am taking all requests for steaks, Wizard of Oz memorabilia, and fresh-packed snow; however Toto is staying with me.
yeah, unh huh, shadow shmadow: it was 85F here today (and “here” is not down under.)
A week ago I drained six inches of water out of the pool and now it’s over-full again, and today when the sun came out I was genuinely confused what all the light was all about; this is not the California I know and love.
My loins having been duly girded and the thinking cap strapped tightly to my melon, I now set forth into the darkness of writing papers for review by scientific academics, those professional contrarians whose cynicism makes mine look childish and inconsequential, Lord have mercy.
“Unitarians don’t really pray, per se,” I said to my psychiatrist, “they just form social justice committees.”
Soon after discovering that the campus has been attacked by huge mean tempered beetle-aliens who hate students almost as much as she does, Prof. Speigelman explains to her huddled class how they are going to beat the aliens using the principles of business writing that she has been teaching them all semester and sends them off to implement her plan, while she stays behind to create the necessary distraction, although it will cost her life, despite protestations and a very sexy, very forbidden kiss from a hot former lifeguard student; After celebrating their success and the destruction of the aliens, just as the students regret the death of a teacher who in retrospect taught them the secret to survival itself, they notice a shape far the distance that at first appears to be an alien, but reveals itself to be a human form struggling under an alien corpse, which when hurled, still smoking, to the ground reveals itself to be Prof. Speigelman covered in alien goo, but sexy as ever, who strides through her silent class stone faced saying only, “Class is cancelled for tomorrow,” and as she strides towards the sunrise, she yells over her shoulder the closing line of the film, “I don’t know about you, but I need a martini and a bong hit.”
Walter’s polkabilly band found marginal success now that the baby boomers where starting to get older and were trading in their Zepplin albums for Lawrence Welk on PBS
Definition: Running the washing machine and the dishwasher, taking a hot shower and relaxing in front of cable television all while dinner is cooking; excuse me while I go stick my head in the oven.
I was having a great day until my girlfriend discoverd my Bridget the Midget DVD hiding between my mattress and box springs.
Jan van de Boer’s date seemed a little uncomfortable when he glibly ordered her the Nelly Furtados with a side of Heuvos’s Placido Domingos.
Carl had always wanted his own go-to guy, but he also wanted him to be a woman, and kind of sexy.
Never mind anything else, any band that names itself Cake is alright by me.
Apparently Scrine is also an unconventional, if slow, time-traveling machine.
Of course, the tricky part of the plan was fitting them all with claw-friendly shoes.
My friend calls me morbid, god knows why, she’s the one who made a gallows for her ceramics project.
“Jen feels an overwhelming desire to buy the softest, sugariest, most tooth-rotting bubblegum in the world, and chew it until the kinks in her jaw and neck snap.”
Carl lost his taste for pork products the day his trio of pet pigs disappeared; One moment Roger and Francis Bacon and their little cousin Hamlet were running around in the tall grass squealing in pleasure and the next moment an eerie unexplained silence followed by a Denver omelet at dinner.
Some days I just sit around browsing through the pocket protector musuem, lazily dreaming of a life I could have had.
“But don’t you think, Mr. Bevins, that as soon as the conversation became about the weather, Carl really had no option but to put the old man down?”
A cold stabbing fear pierced my heart when I learned that the reason my debit card declined is some asshole in Florida has been using it fraudulently; I have never been to Florida and my card is never out of my sight..how could this outrage have happened?
It is my theory that when you turn out the lights and lock your doors and leave your domicile, all of your stuff gets together and has sex and reproduces like rabbits; this is the only possible rational explanation for why I have so much stuff.
Jan van de Boer handed me a beer and told me to chill as he knew things would work out in the end but, being a belligerent mix of Irish, German and Portuguese, I wanted to grab a pair of garden sheers and perform a manicure on the hands that violated me; Van de Boer tsked, tsked me sadly saying visiting violence on an enemy never solved a problem but I disagreed and after kicking Jan in the nuts I found that I felt positively giddy.
Sometimes my house monkey pets the other animals with his feet; it kind of pisses off the cat, but both me and the dog don’t mind too much.
Remember, when hiking, never shush a hormonal female, regardless of species.
I’m not paranoid, but I happen to know that the postal service thwarts me at every turn.
Squawk to me, O metal bird of paradise, and awaken my fingers that they might type junk that reads well and seems sort of profound and not entirely crappy, O hear and acknowledge my yearning beseechitude, for I long to gain inspiration from your tin beak.
I looked at my calendar this morning and noticed that it was Ash Wednesday (why does it seem to be coming earlier every year?) and then it occured to me that my debit card issues were punishment for my lapsed “catholicness” and a firm resolution to don sackcloth and dump the ashes of the repentant sinner over my head would correct the problem; My alter ego, Br. Ezra, believes that I still have not embraced the New Age goodness of his ideals and still labor needlessly with a deity he refers to as “pissy god” who likes to punish us for simply being human.
Dawn tried passion and confidence as ways of making herself more attractive but in the end she felt a nose job would do just nicely.
It’s 5 minutes to midnight are your ready to kiss your ass goodbye?
either it’s been a couple of decades since that 2005 profile pic, or i gotta wear makeup more often.
It is astonishing how clean your kitchen can get if you drink half a gallon of iced tea, made from a really strong scary black tea like Typhoo or Barry’s, as you clean.
though she fought
quite a lot
she was got
by a bot.
cold chicken, apple pie, 80 degree tornado drills: february 6.
As inspired by: e's an inconvenient truth
Wednesday, February 6, New York City: High 67F, Low 45F; Sunday, February 10, New York City: Predicted high 30F, predicted low 18F.
If indeed that was a waterbug zipping across our freshly-scrubbed kitchen floor, and not in fact an optical illusion brought on by strong tea psychosis, the approaching cold snap should take good care of it.
Getting stuck in the parking lot; struggling to get out; windshield cracking on the way to work; being late for work, Thursday February 7.
His unjustified anger just made me want to bite him, hard, in the face.
Give a monkey a fish and he’ll eat for a day; teach a monkey how to recruit other monkeys then teach them combat tactics, thereby developing a veritable simian army capable of rolling through the French-Canadian stronghold of Quebec in an orgy of destruction, and the monkey will eat for a lifetime.
The low whistling sound of the wormhole sounded an awful lot like an empty room in need of exploring, so naturally it sucked up quite a few of the children.
No one ever visited The Wagless Dog Tail Museum twice.
Schrodinger’s Cat liked to debate Intelligent Design with Einstein and he always took the side of the Christians even though he was a cat (making him an atheist by nature) because it always made Einstein red in the face when he asserted that cats could not have possibly been descendant from monkeys.
The gooey purple mass hit the ground with a sick, wet sounding plop.
Chad felt the gorge rise in his throat as he walked barefoot across the linoleum, his feet making a slurping ‘thwuck, thwuck’ sound on the unknown sticky substance.
What kind of silly cow catches a cold the day after she starts taking multivitamins?
Would you be willing to drive a wingless bird?
Chad found it ironic that many of the most unethical people he had met over the years pretended to be spiritual.
A genetically altered sheep escapes from a secret government lab in Ascot Wyoming and after hitting the open road, traveling hobo style, ends up in Las Vegas where he is befriend by French-Canadian diva Celine Dion earning his keep as her lover and opening act.
When the writer’s strike ends, we can all go back to collecting paychecks for this whole “scrine” thing we do each day.
If they’re sharing a drink called loneliness, I sure hope it has a twist of lime and one of those fiddly toothpicks.
The dreams lined up next to the bed, some more patient than others.
I strike, therefore I am.
Et tu Keith?
After looking at it for quite some time, I arrived at the obvious conclusion that everyone I’d ever met and probably would ever meet pronounces this word incorrectly.
It should come as no surprise that dogs often find it extra hard to accept Jesus as their personal savior while attending Cat Church.
One of the basic lessons of Cat Church is that temptation comes in many guises, and that is why you will always find a Jesus hanging on a carpet-covered scratching post cross behind the pulpit.
Cat Church is certainly not mainstream, but many newcomers find the catechism there most refreshing.
No one at Cat Church actually believes that thunder is the sound of God giving himself a tongue bath, but I did find that if you bring it up, many in the congregation will begin to purr.
As inspired by: Keith's Curious Facts About Cat Church
One of the most refreshing things about Cat Church is that the seats are soft and there is no hell and one can laze around all day licking oneself without fear of going blind
As inspired by: Keith's Curious Facts About Cat Church
Curiously the congregates at Cat Church believe that dogs may be satanic and some newcomers find this disturbing as Cat Church teaches there is no hell…fortunately they soon learn that members are encouraged to enjoy daydreaming on a sunny spot on the carpet or on top of a warm t.v. rather than wasting time in idle metaphysical speculation.
Sam evicted the alien robot he had been renting the basement to after he caught him fornicating with his old percolating coffee pot.
I am afraid to open my walk in closet as it is crammed full of my fears, anxieties and 7 years of tax returns and random receipts.
Juan always hated the agitate cycle the most.
It’s good that not all things in life are graded; my driving, for instance, would cause my instructor nothing but consternation, and my cooking and eating is so erratic that I’d have to fail.
Run-down suburban neighborhoods hold yard sales; mid-priced subdivisions call them garage sales; the snobby ranchette crowd refers to them as estate sales - but it all looks like a VHS tape graveyard to me.