new year’s is boring when you have no one to take you places, and you’re driver’s license is non-existant.
On Tuesday afternoons the villagers would meet near the center of town to discuss the boy’s great promise, eating warm pie and whistling lively dance tunes.
In honor of the season, I have decided to appropriate for my own use our governor’s spiffy campaign slogan, “On Day One, Everything Changes,” because hell, *he’s* certainly not doing anything with it.
may it be a good one to us all.
Before they let young, innocent students take up the oboe, they ought to make the little suckers sign release forms, indicating that they realize they will have to learn an entire hand craft in addition to musical knowledge and instrument-specific skill; that they will slave away for hours with thread, cane and a knife only to produce two grotesque Frankenreeds and massive hand cramping; that the good reeds, when they do exist, will only exist for a short period of time; that the bad reeds will spread their squawky disease to every other reed in the case; that the instrument itself will often break just out of spite; that they will never be able to lift the oboe to their mouth and know with complete confidence that anything other than strangled moans will come out; that they will hate the oboe with every cell of their body, yet experience emptiness without it.
May it jump up, full of bubbles, and surprise you into great joy.
What I need are two things: slippers, and a desk calendar.
When Peter woke up and discovered that the Queen’s new recycling plan involved converting trash into dream form and storing it in the heads of everyone who’d ever imagined walking naked through Trafalgar Square, he knew he was in serious trouble.
In an attempt to spice up their drug-annulled lives, Jack and Jill took to ingesting vast quantities of Sodium Pentathol (truth serum) before skipping out to parties, weddings, baptisms and functions at the White House.
“In short, although we know Henry VIII will marry six times, we must always remember that he did not…no one could have predicted that the lithe and golden-haired Prince Charming who ascended the throne in England just before his eighteenth birthday in 1509—‘the handsomest prince in Europe’—would die nearly forty years later, a monster of obesity, with a reputation more like that of Bluebeard than Prince Charming.”
You see, when you need someone to talk about horses, you certainly can’t ring up John Belushi, can you?
I’m always surprised how many weird things can fit into a Velveeta box.
Father Henri rather enjoyed the new Shroud of Turin theme song.
Please keep your fingers crossed and your traveling music playing for our Bunni, who will be spending the balance of her vacation in Paris alone, following the end of her long-distance romance.
I’ve found my wooden bubble to be much safer, it’s true, although much harder to see out.
“What big ideas you have, Dr. Freud,” Carl told the doctor after their discussion ended regarding whether or not the third little pig’s house of bricks represented an anal fixation; “All the better to diagnose you, my dear patient,” the doctor replied.
Living over a parking lot is fine, as long as you don’t mind the work of slashing the tires each night.
As Kinko’s go, it’s the best Kinko’s in town, and it’s where I will be living until my law school apps are finished, but I will never forgive it for moving into the space once occupied by Cooper Square Books.
Marty recklessly lit all the candles on the Christmas centerpiece, violating two government office rules - no open flames and no blatantly holiday-specific ornaments - in one fell swoop.
The important things about my new house are how close it is to the bowling alley and its proximity to the Hawaiian BBQ joint; the 7-11 and its slurpees ain’t all bad, either.
I could feel the lethargy throughout the halls of my high school, where close to all students and faculty also believed a two-week break was no where near enough for us.
Maybe in 2008 I won’t bother to originate new scrines, but pour all my creativity into writing comments.
“I’m not spoiled; I’m enriched with love.”
Mr. Gorgol’s freakish eyeballs fell out one by one by one.
With a pop and a snap my right knee reminded me I was 41 as it dislocated causing me to crash heavily on the hard packed icy slush.
I don’t know how or why yet - maybe because I am willing to stop caring so much - but 2008 is going to be better than 2007 and all those other long forgotten years that came before.
Okay, so the world didn’t end in 1984 or in 2000 - even though my PC sputtered and died mysteriously at midnight on January 1st - but 2012 is only 4 years away and the odds of my trailer park being wasted by a giant meteor are astronomically high.
I can still sense the smell of your hair and I wish I had soap that smelled the same.
When she found herself in times of uncertainty, Fickle looked to the stars: ‘match made in heaven’ they assured her.
My friend Schuster sometimes brags that he’s never had one true hate, although he has been very close on several occasions.
I fully intend to wear a giant mouse costume to work tomorrow.
a new toy here!
O Secret Guide, giver of truth and eternal direction, master of reason and intellect divine, we beseech thee, upon knees of obedience, for you to reveal your undying benevolence by coming out from behind those couch cushions.
I may be prematurely curmudgeonesque, because while I kind of dislike the Gen-Y pukes, it’s their New Coke brethren, the expect-everything-for-nothing Z Generation who I’ll be teaching this semester as a grad student and so help me Yahweh, if these little bastards slack off, they’d better fall to their knees and pray to the God of their ancestors for mercy because it won’t be coming from me.
Sometimes a little written ventilation works better than sweet liquor to ease the pain.
SAC Jack Brody bored of looking for kidnappers, terrorists and drug kingpins turned his attention toward tracking down DB Cooper .
It’s probably due to the fact that I ignore all the chain letter emails, text message forwards, and passed-on myspace bulletins and comments that I’m ugly, my social life is non-existant, and all the guys are revolted at my presence.
I have never come to a decision whether they are the bravest of today’s scientists or just a new breed of mad hatter turned loose upon the unsuspecting.
Max kept the ghost of old Mrs. Digby in a dust covered mason jar.
As inspired by: Dr. Stevenson's Regarding Psychologists
I have heard it said that the definition of a “normal family” is one that has not been evaluated by a mental health professional.
The rain confirmed it; it was simply a gloomy day.
Jan van de Boer believed it was best to never trust anyone who seemed completely without guile as there was always something that seemed “off” about them.
As I observed a pair of juniors beating each other up in the hallway after lunch, I was half-amazed, half-disgusted on how horribly people can act under extreme stress, that probably wasn’t very extreme in the first place.
Although Mr. Gorgol would have said he insisted his employees keep their noses to the grindstone, more times than not it was he who held them there.
The real danger and excitement of traveling comes from not knowing whether you will unearth or leave behind integral pieces of yourself, which makes deciding how much baggage to take much more meaningful than the weight of your suitcase alone.
The cookies that come in a tube are just about the biggest thing to hit around here since we discovered cinnamon toast.
9 out of 10 non-beer-drinkers will drink beer if it becomes as hot as buggery.
Ever since Toby began wearing his oversized hat people began to notice they were ending dinner parties with less cutlery than was initially laid out.
Junior Scientist Bruce leant back in his armchair and belched, “whaddyareckon, Duncan, there woulda been about 10 people at the pub not drinking beer?”
Toby’s friends began to switch all alcoholic beverages at their parties with non-alcoholic substitutes, in an effort to determine whether Toby’s unsteadiness at the end of their evenings was indeed a result of being drunk, as he insisted, or rather the product of being top-heavy with cutlery, as they predicted.
I wish the weatherman would refer to rain as a monster; it would be much more exciting.
It’s hard breaking into to stand-up comedy when the only material you have are poop jokes and penis gags.
Ernestine looked exactly as Elvis always imagined her, tight lipped and persnickety, her oversized fashionable eyeglasses floated across her face magnifying her beady, close set eyes and she had a way of walking through a room, nose pinched, as if she constantly smelled something distasteful to her.
The soggy government workers on the commuter train gazed out the rain-spattered windows at the unnaturally dark city streets being pounded by 60 mile per hour winds and thought, as one, if I had any vacation time left, I’d’ve stayed home today.
Muriel only liked the taste of beer if her cup was surrounded by a baseball park.
The cable guy, as usual, had only one stop that day, and for today’s diversion he decided to go to a bar for a few hours, maybe see a movie, later go by the customer’s house just, whenever…
The paper-thin people will blow away as the wind goes Peckinpah on their boney asses, and heavy men everywhere will triumph, unbudging with heroic largeness.
Jerry found being a chubby, slightly girlish child star did not help him in high school; Each time he walked into a classroom someone gleefully announced, “And Jerry Mathers as the Beaver” to the thunderous laughter of students and teachers alike.
Some feared it for a monster, some worshiped it as a beneficial fairy, but in the land far, far way, the rain fell every day.
As inspired by: darksteve's Toby’s friends
“Maybe an electromagnet, attached to a doorframe at the next party,” they murmured afterwards, mulling how best to reveal the secret life of Toby’s hat.
As inspired by: 'mouse's age =/= intelligence
“Goddamnit, my period is waaaaaay late, I wonder if he really pulled out when he said he did,” muttered Joyce, a 40-year-old-attorney with two kids (who’s vowed “no more”) whose husband has been delaying getting a vasectomy for the last two years.
Many years ago my grandfather told me that when they reach their teens, I should teach my daughters that an aspirin is the best method of birth control.
I have noticed a disturbing trend whereby everything I think I’m going to love ends up being horrendous and everything I think I’m going to abhor becomes what I choose; there are exceptions to every rule and I do believe that I hate ice and snow without having to actually experience it.
Newest resident: Littledevilworks.
This headache’s like a friend.
Carl slipped a secret between each page, then closed the book carefully, hoping the book’s spine wouldn’t break.
Jan van de boer decided it was time to sell his Tonya Harding honeymoon video so he could buy Amy Fisher’s video.
Rufus thinks that Jan Van de Boer is up to something and shouldn’t be trusted, but my friend Schuster thought this was a ridiculous position to take and immediately demanded that they break into Van de Boer’s house, just to prove his point.
Rufus thinks he might apply for an anthropologist’s assistant job he saw advertised on a flyer down at the student union, but my friend Schuster says that with his thick, sloped brow, Rufus is only qualified to volunteer for psychology experiments, and besides, gainful employment would keep him from his hobby of unsuccessfully picking up college girls.
Maybe loving the idea of her was the best choice I ever made.
Someone is following me; it’s quite flattering, really.
Squirrels were a pretty good idea until the invention of nuts and twigs took hold.
As she leapt each ridge, the world around her changed suddenly, with the latest wave containing quite a collection of daffodils, some lovely little butterflies, a disturbing container of wax, one or two dozen bananas, a surprisingly big canary, and a whole field of roses.
Three straight nights of action dreams and I still can’t dodge Peggy’s left hook.
Keith’s ass was designed with care and intelligence by a benevolent god.
Rufus thinks anthropology is a waste of time and doesn’t do anyone any good, but my friend Schuster disagreed and puched Rufus in the neck, reminding him that it is only through the study and understanding of people that we are able to learn their weaknesses and more effectively take advantage of them.
Why is it that when someone tastes something really awful they say: “this tastes like ass… here try this!”
Jan van de Boer felt that the potato chip crumbs ground into the carpet – Piccadilly Salt & Vinegar – were a dead give away that Rufus and Shuster had broken into his house and had probably spent several hours enjoying his celebrity sex tape collection while he had been away answering questions about “certain proclivities” that SAC Jack Brody, of the FBI, found to be suspicious and perverted.
Even though it doesn’t feel like you’re working as hard in the water as you would on the track, you are; even though you don’t feel like you’re breathing as heavily as you would on the track, you are; even though it doesn’t feel like you’ve had enough of a workout to feel as if you’ve been run over by a truck three hours later, you absolutely have.
“Gosh, it would be really, really uncool if I fell asleep right here in this booth as the waitress brings me my French dip,” thought Bronwyn, shortly before her head hit the coleslaw.
A Sawzall blade can reach a temperature of several hundred degrees - plenty to cause blistering burns—after just 30 seconds cutting through a to-be-discarded Christmas tree trunk.
Waking up to a headache, sinus infection and a toothache is comparable to being slugged with an aluminum bat three times in one’s sleep—- or so I’ve heard.
Apparently, someone who walks the same route to the train station I do likes to eat only the top half of a banana each morning.
As inspired by: Br. Ezra's Jan van de Boer suspects Rufus & Schuster
Rufus thought that Van de Boer probably viewed naked midgets as some sort of symbolism for mankind’s eternal struggle against oppression, but my friend Schuster told him to shut up and pass the chips, and that sometimes a midget is just a midget.
Jan van de Boer, non-plussed that his midget fetish was no longer a secret, tried explaining to Rufus & Shuster – as he passed the dip – that his obsession started in his early 20’s when he had experienced a realistic sex dream involving him and a midget woman and that even to this day he is not sure if it was a dream or something that happened during spring break.
Barbara avoided all 3-way mirrors as she was unable to walk by them without getting that creepy feeling someone was following her.
If a fat kid slips on the ice and no one is around to see it, is it still funny?
“The hills are alive… and they’re going to eat you.”
Having slacked off on the sentence writing since The Holidays (patent pending), last night I was visited in my dreams by a large metal bird that kept screaming ‘Nevermore!’ in a totally inappropriate reference to a dead writer, which I took as a threat, so here, fine, now remove thine ass from off my chamber door.
Every morning Nancy donned her black sweat pants and black hoody, checked to see that the electrical tape still covered the reflectors on her shoes, and set out on her morning jog, wondering if this would be the day her suffering would end.
Former presidents never die, they battle robots or at least engage them in witty repartee.
Peter’s briefcase contained only a mechanical pencil with no lead, a page torn out of a Gideon’s Bible with the phone number of a dead, Salt Lake City prostitute written on it, the keys to his 1972 Gran Torino which someone had stolen ten day earlier after kicking him in the groin outside of some greasy, Memphis diner, and the rusty, .22 caliber pistol his mother had told him to hide nearly 40 years ago, placed into his then small hands while his father slowly bled to death in the next room, so when the dried up old woman on the barstool next to him leaned over and whispered into his ear that she was the witch of dreams come true and that she was about to turn him into one of whatever was in that case sitting next to his feet, Peter didn’t laugh or look away or even doubt what the woman said, but simply nodded in agreement, having known all along that he should have had better memories.
Judas’ suggestion that they go out for tacos instead of staying in and ordering Jewish food again met with disapproving glares from the other disciples.
One of these things is not like the other (not Sesame Street).
Schrödinger’s Cat suggested they visit the Garden State which Einstein thought would be splendid as long as they avoided Hoboken – the cat was somewhat surprised thinking Einstein would have preferred avoiding Newark – because some cities smell more like New Jersey than others and ought to be avoided if you were prone to sinus infections.
When one has quit one’s job, people tend to get alarmed when one spends long amounts of time at the shredder, even if the documents you are shredding belonged to your predecessor who left the organization before you arrived 3 years ago.
Subconsciously I’m doing all kinds of slightly mean things and I don’t know how to stop.
Becky turned haltingly as her body transformed, slowly beginning to fluoresce and hum, each extra head bearing its own particular resonance.
It hardly matters what’s inside it.
My fiance wonders why, of all songs, I had to get “Maybe I’m the one… who is the schizophrenic psycho” stuck in my head; I think nothing could be more normal.
It occurs to me that this was not the day to give up coffee cold turkey…
The spider, which had done it’s job killing flies and making the house a more pleasant environment than it otherwise might have been, took much exception to the termination notice presented just a day after she’d finished laying her eggs.