As the earth tilted toward winter, the moon and the stars joined Juan for his morning swim.
He was an exceptional cook, particularly adept at microwave dinners for one, seasoned with tears.
Christine awoke from her dream of German chocolate cake and found a sole flake of coconut on her pillow.
Meanwhile, Scott startled awake from a dream of landscaping, sweaty and tired, but happy to discover he was not covered in mud as he had been moments before.
When I was younger, I seem to recall moving not involving such a a disproportionate amount of sweating.
Early research into the new brain-wasting disease (which scientists suspect may be a variant of mad cow disease) indicates it only seems to to affect Republican politicians, striking first in the portion of the brain which causes most people to refrain from seeking gay sex with strangers in public restrooms.
Sometimes an odd little boy will sit on the big green power box in the front yard, and every time I go out, he will talk to me about how much he likes purified water.
Sometimes the neighbor next door will wake me up at 3 a.m. to tell me her boyfriend’s name is “Oh Joe, Oh Joe, Oh Joe,” although this morning, I’m betting she just calls him plain ol’ Joe.
Sometimes reconfiguring the computer network will require a second pot of coffee.
Juan noted to himself that it was “fuggin’ hot” before he remembered he was trying to cut down on his cursing and that he planned to avoid talking about the weather.
The refrigerator has run out of beer.
They had finally described something in terms Jack could understand and comprehension attached itself to his face like a leech; all further information was given in a very confusing manner because noone wanted to see that twice.
My new city toilet is not immune to plugging.
Being less than a mile from a Wal-Mart, I can sometimes pick up the faint hum of its take-over-the-world business model broadcast in my fillings.
A two to three minute walk east puts me in the very heart of Salem’s vast fastfood empire.
Imagine my disappointment, after arriving at my wife’s grandmother’s house, to discover that we were not there to pick up a cyborg.
I wear lots of brown clothes, because I am very clumsy with coffee.
After throwing several not-even-close airballs, the tiny boy with the giant head of hair tells his companions on the basketball court, “The only thing I still have to work on is balancing my power.”
If you’re reading this, quit slacking and get back to those logic puzzles.
Disproving madness is turning out to be harder than I thought.
Yesterday I successfully soldered broken electronics for the very first time.
In 2007 Maslow’s heirarchy of needs pyramid was redrawn with its foundation modified as follows: Eating, drinking, sleeping, reproduction electronics.
It would be several months before Keith discovered that his neighbor (who was Chinese) was not shouting “Oh, Joe!” but was actually shouting “Ou Zhou!” giving midnight voice to her love of Europe as she paged through her collection of coffee table books of European architecture and painting.
When I was younger, I seem to recall moving not involving such a a disproportionate amount of sweating.
i just found out that my job has been eliminated, found out from a co-worker who was at the meeting where it was announced on friday, but nobody in charge even bothered to let me know, which would have been nice if only to keep me from buying the clothing i finally bought this weekend to wear to it.
I would write something funny if I had any sense of humor whatsoever left; I just want to kick his teeth in, however.
My brain is sinking into the morasses of its own devices.
In a manner reminiscent of Soylent Green, the workers drolled their way into the maw of the stark, grey building.
Michael looked around, noted a significant rise in the negametric pressure, and opened his mouth sending forth a stream of little purple birds on a mission to find and awaken Becky, so they could join forces for some uplifting playfulness.
When the landlord asked him to list who would be living in the apartment, Carl wasn’t sure if he was legally obligated to write down the names of his multiple personalities, but probably gave it away anyway when he said he’d need 14 keys.
it seems that i will be employed somewhere as something
As Michael burped surprisingly at the little purple birds, he noticed an effervescent presence poised delightedly on his window sill and she appeared to be holding a writhing, smirking bunch of Fluevogs.
The never ending ringing of her goddamned text message at 2 in the morning, when I’ve been trying to fall asleep since 12:30 is how I realized why most people hate their roomates.
Becky viewed the grey, stark walls with a slew of sadness and as she leaned forward, she gently hugged the whole, dull, looming, mass and, surprising even herself, squeezed it into the shape of multi-hued basket of lollypops, and soon it was surrounded by a swarm of merry megabees who each wore a little beanie with a whirring dervish on top.
Life along the Cedar River was not without its own kind of troubles; Peter alone could vividly recall several occasions when his father nearly choked to death on carp bones.
Because i must be better than ezra.
It seems that the sunrise is placed there mostly for those who build the world; the builders, the farmers, the factory-workers, and, of course, the cheating bastards who get up early to swim.
Congressman found dead in apartment
Microwave popcorn fumes linked to disease
After plane problem, airline sacrifices goats
The world is an excellent place.
Tomorrow there’ll be sheepdog trials, fairy floss and a quacking duck or two.
Behind one sliding door of the pantry was food, while behind the other was the vacuum cleaner; the dog knew the difference - it even knew the difference between the sounds of the doors - and so the dog’s raw-edged emotions toward Pantry ranged between hopefulness and sheer panic.
The crushed pomegranate lying bleading in the parking lot was certainly a sign, just not the one I’d been hoping for.
The conspiracy nut in me is always satisfied by blaming Big Something for my problems—like when a pencil breaks, it’s Big Lead trying to get more of my money, or Big Pants when I spill my coffee—but I’m concerned now I’m just playing into the hands of Big Big.
Lucy felt special for just a split second before she glanced at the five girls behind her, all gazing at the identical ‘homemade’ valentines on their desks, all signed, Love Scott.
Dear Sir, we would like an apology for all the inconvenience you’ve caused us as well. Sincerely, America
sense of humor: black and white with tan spots, answers to the name “Florida”, please return to owner, Big Reward*.
Lonely, happy, depressed, hopeful, angry, fatalistic? - the Commute does not care how you are feeling today; the Commute pauses for nothing except fender benders along the berm.
It takes exactly seven days for the Jehovahs to come knocking.
Mitchell stood at the window sill and arranged his many prescription bottles by height; he unabashedly looked forward to the next day, when he would rearrange them according to pill size.
Lia was delighted to learn that biomass fuel could be made from poop; as she uncapped the big brown marker she would use on her poster, she thought that sixth grade science might turn out to have its high points after all.
Like the football lineman he used to be, Taylor hunched over the shopping cart to protect his purchases from the spying eyes of his beloved, who soon would be 39 again.
She slathered, and slathered, and slathered some more until there was more sunscreen on her skin than was left in the bottle.
Shelby refused to take the bad along with the good until nature had created an equilibrium between the two.
Of course I’m saddened by the loss of Pavarotti, but maybe now the opera world will give me the recognition I deserve.
I probably shouldn’t tell you that I had a dream that I was a woman and that I was out shopping for a bra, but the bra the saleswoman was trying to sell me was such a poor fit that I feel I need to speak up.
When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. *
* lifted from “Three Cups of Tea”.
I’m probably too old for such nonsense…but I enjoyed yesterday as much as any birthday in recent memory, despite the lack of party hats or balloons.
Our new car came with a free trial of satellite radio, which has allowed me to discover that satellite is as bad as regular radio, only more expensive.
As a result of my advancing years, I can actually feel a surge in my cognitive powers, a great swelling of wisdom welling up within me…no, sorry…it was just gas.
*Now* life is a wonderful place.
As I wrote that life was a wonderful place, I was stung on the ankle by a flying ant, and I’m still too cheerful to be bothered by it.
FYI, I still haven’t forgiven Rod Stewart.
I haven’t forgiven Smokey Robinson or Joan Rivers, either.
I figure as long as I have clean teeth anything else can be forgiven.
Keegan knew it was petty, but he still got great joy sneaking into womens restrooms and leaving the toilet seats up.
I am turning into my father.
If you know what’s good for you you won’t point it out, but my wife is turning into my mother-in-law.
I wonder why some barking in this neighborhood must be immediately and gustily answered by my two dogs, while other barks barely rate a flickered eyelid.
After three hours of sanding, Juan realized he was feeling good enough to face the next week.
In the rain, you have to use the door handle to shut the car door, and the footpath gets slippery.
I’m feeling unreasonably happy.
Where college girls are concerned, I don’t think I’m far off in saying, “The louder the giggle, the deeper the fear”.
It therefore came as no surprise whatsoever that she should wake with a headache the size of a small foreign island nation run by an aging dictator.
It’s a little embarrassing to be so excited by so little rain.
My lovely wife (other laura) has claimed that I am partially motivated to post here so that I will move up in the list of “Top Scriners”…nonsense…that’s the ONLY motivation.
She’s the Beauty Pageant Contestant without a Contest.
I would sleep a week just for the dreams alone, but I can come up with other good reasons if you need them.
The old couple to the south are invisible on weekends.
When in an open plan office, use your inside voice - ‘why yes, I really did want to overhear, in your overbearing, loud, obnoxious voice, the details of your weekend away, and the gleeful news that your best friend caught an STD over that same weekend’ - this stops the office workmates from overhearing your private conversation.
He was an exceptional cook, particularly adept at microwave dinners for one, seasoned with tears.
The bogeyman wondered if his annual reprise video of himself jumping out from under the bed was losing its effectiveness.
If this were school, my prof would have given me a C by now, and I could have closed this file in relief; as this is the workplace, though, these damned revisions will never end.
Muriel selected a tasteful pair of reading glasses, smugly happy in the knowledge she’d avoided bifocals for one more go-around.
as i’m certain that i’m not digging my own hole fast enough.
I rather think I might faint if I post just one more sentence.
Life was much easier for Peter once he realized that the “brink of madness” was actually a two hundred mile wide stretch of sand and sagebrush located somewhere east of Tuscon.
Sitting down at her desk, staring wide eyed at the paper work which had exploded into an orgy of cloning, she sighed wistfully at the missed opportunity to have a double chocolate sandwich for lunch.
Unfolding her hands gently, Rosie hoped the little ladybug had survived, but it wasn’t there and in its place was a young girl, not unlike herself, but so spindly and sparkly that she couldn’t help but laugh.
When returning to work after 3 weeks holidays, it would be the height of bad manners to take a personal mobile phone at 9am, then at 9.25 am, offer to ring friend back on the office phone while you get her up to date about the best friend who, over the weekend, acquired phone buddy’s ex and an STD - particularly in an open plan office.
Why is it that working in an office environment creates so much fodder for Scrine?
It might not be as obvious as it might seem, but dictaphones and co-workers phone calls go well together - however it is good manners to wipe smirk off face before, during and after.
As the arrow thunked into the wall next to his head, he thought to himself, rather calmly under the circumstances, “Giving the monkey a weapon was a poor choice”.
After the unfortunate shoelace incident, Victor’s passion for cobbling dwindled.
While Peter bravely explored the Brink of Madness, Juan sat in the sticky, bubbling Vat of Madness as the temperature rose and the natives chanted.
Children - especially your own children - should be raised by other people; always avoid the plague like, well, the plague; the pursuit of money is never in poor taste; and America is a necessary evil.
As inspired by: boot's the harlequin in her heart
Accused by the state of genetic crimes involving ladybugs, as well as multiple violations of the mathematic variable laws, particularly those involving the number 8, Rosie sat alone in her cell dreaming of billowy justice, her red lips trembling.
As inspired by: skif's Modern etiquette #1
As Miss Jane neatly pressed closed each little labeled plastic bag, she continued her polite explanation to the lady still lying partly on the floor, “…and, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned already, not only was that conversation highly inappropriate for a workplace, it is certainly not even an appropriate conversation for anywhere other than one’s own home… oh, dear, I appear to have dropped blood on your shoe.”
I can’t tell what hurts more, the thumb in my heart or the remaining four fingers squeezing my head.
As he sailed downward past the second-story windows, John realized that he’d forgotten to carry the 2 during his calculation of wind resistance.
Henry offered no apology for his sluggish pace, and in fact, considered it almost his duty to slow down as much of the world as he possibly could.
At night, Mr. Oliver would write letters to consumers, wishing them the best of success in their attempt to part with their every penny.
bottom line: you’re gonna be workin on maggie’s farm some more long before your parents ever think of buying the farm, at which point you’ll be too old not to be kept down on the farm no more even if you’ve seen gay paree.