It doesn’t count, so it can just go and get stuffed.
“Pot smoke smells much better than cigarettes and cigars.”
I wonder if we’ll ever discover that we were meant to get our brains regularly tuned.
I would hardly call it a singular fixation, doctor, because sometimes in the fantasy I’m strangling you wearing gloves and sometimes I’m not…. wearing gloves, I mean.
The future of old sayings is always questionable; for instance, in the future, the growing clone population will no doubt find it offensive to hear “chip off the old block.”
After that fateful night he left the bar with the older woman who was clearly on the prowl, Arthur never again questioned why some people called them “gray panthers.”
“On my 50th birthday, after ten years of showing no sexual interest in me at all, my husband left me for a younger man—I’m making up for lost time.”
Gandhi was full of it: I stopped resisting years ago, but the world still keeps kicking my ass.
I know that I should be flattered when four different people call me in fifteen minutes and say, “I need your attention right now, so call me back as soon as you get this,” but mysteriously, I am not.
When Theodore started dating the hotel maid, he imagined all of his housekeeping prayers had been answered, but instead it turned out to be just like the time he’d dated the beautician, and he’d been forced to still comb his own hair.
If you’re not the person you want to be, make a plan and change.
It is sometimes surprisingly difficult to read a long string of zeros on a check, especially when written in the unsteady hand of an elderly woman, but if my eyes served me correctly, and I believe they did, I inherited one million dollars in my dream last night, but can’t, for the life of me, seem to find that check anywhere this morning.
Juan was very pleased with his new wallet, which had enough room that his library cards got their own pocket instead of getting mixed in with the credit cards.
she glumly steered her way through raindrops, back
from the grocery
that cedes a generic “chicken” in its
chilly cellobag,
whilst not two streets away from her own drear
urban-flooded lane
she almost missed a sodden peacock, all
tealfeathered and squishy, stalking soggy
down the
middle of the road.
Given a cape and some colored underpants I am pretty sure I could save the world.
Body odor not withstanding I still think I am pretty good catch.
While Shelley was at work Joe loved taking long hot bubble baths sampling all of her skin and hair care products.
Please write your congressperson asking them to enact legislation that makes it illegal to substitute patchuli for taking a shower
“No, no coffee for you this morning; at the corner of 25th and Lewis you burn your lip and then run over and kill a nice, but stinky homeless man; I care not about either, but booth receive bad publicity; drive on.
I have the brain of a fevered woman and, while the song makes it sound like a good thing, I feel the delusions make it appear otherwise.
Her normally dull coworker, Ted, pulled a huge goanna out of his coat pocket.
Although they had made fun of him for years, no one could deny that Gerald and his pouch of sourdough starter had saved them all on that fateful Tuesday.
Superjanitor stepped back and admired his work—one roll of toilet paper in the double-dispenser over-the-top and one down the back, designed to satisfy those of both directional persuasions.
Juan surveyed the wreckage of his office and wondered when exactly the shitload of paperwork had become a full-fledged shitstorm.
As inspired by: 'mouse's feces
While some say the first winds of the shitstorm could first be felt as early as 1848 as the arrival of the Second Industrial Revolution approached, other historians argue that the full force of the shitstorm continues to build and has not yet hit, although government continues to take steps to remedy this situation.
“This explains it,” said the park ranger to the sherrif, surveying the shredded wreckage of what used to be six port-a-potties and pointing to the toilet paper dispenser, “someone put the paper in down the back instead of over the top.”
She caught a whiff of the faraway storm and knew it would be a good day to hole up, huddled over the computer keyboard.
Juan looked at the various hard drives arranged on his desk and realized he’d graduated from GB’s to TB’s.
Cuban milkshakes are not only proof that there is a goddess and she loves me; they are also the perfect tonic for going outside on the hottest, stickiest day of the year.
Having just realized that a dream vacacation is hardly the same thing as dreaming of vacation, Henry had no choice but to ban the use of prepositions in his home.
No, we still have no idea.
I thought lambs didn’t madly spring about until the Spring.
Sometimes we shave the lemurs just so we can pretend to have a bunch of tiny John Turturros.
Faced with the prospect of yet another day of uncertainty, I had no choice but to go cookie shopping.
“Its opulent low neckline only enabled him to address some babelisms to him…..”
Jamie Lee Curtis looks mighty fine in her tattoo body-art negligee.
Juan quietly appeciated the wonders that had caused his yummy morning pastry to journey from the hand of a small town master-baker in Taiwan to his hand in California.
Henry realized that the development of colorful expletives lagged far behind modern day computer technology, but not until his favorite computer suddenly went black and wouldn’t restart.
Nestled among the six hours’ worth of farm reports and animal feed price charts and consumer marketing surveys from 1922, was this sentence from an anonymous New Haven shopper, in answer to a question about whether s/he preferred white-shelled or brown-shelled eggs: “We’re white, so we buy white eggs.”
“Break an egg.”
How come German gets all the good words?
“I’ve got a problem,” Patrick complained to the bartender, “my girlfriend likes my hair long and my wife likes it short.”
Even though he’d never looked in a mirror, Peter was fairly confident he had a face.
Some claimed to be strictly fresh are punk.
His tongue caressed her rosey-tinged velvet skin and then her subtle, luscious, perfect honey-sweet juices drenched his senses.
“Oh what the heck,” she murmured to herself, adding a line to her resume that read “Squib.”
If I made the rules, microwave popcorn would be punishable by life imprisonment.
How can I be so tired at the end of a day in which I basically sit, read and type for six hours?
“Oh, right, I remember why I try to never keep anything important in my computer’s email ‘storage cabinet,’” said Juan wanly, realizing that there was all kinds of important information in the 18 months of sent and received mails that had just disappeared forever.
If you never miss a flight, it just means you’re getting to the airport too damn early.
The ordinary new sock is possibly the least touted of the Major Comfort Items.
I wonder what the record is for the state completely cleaning out your checking account, because I swear to god they’re going for the gold on my poor account.
Don’t anthropomorphize inanimate objects…they hate that.
Schokoladerdnussbuttermilchmixgetraenk, or should it be erdnussbutterschokolademilchmixgetraenk?
Walter’s habit of accidently dropping T’s eventually got him into trouble with the gang when he continuted to show up at the bank robberies armed only with a useless shogun.
Along the lip of every fourth glass dance answers that will never be remembered.
Irene’s wish came true when her master’s thesis proposal on the efficacy of wishing wells was approved.
On the way home from the car dealership I ran into the garage door and scratched up the bumper, so that’s out of the way.
Suddenly I’m wishing I’d bought the extended warranty on my robot underwear.
Oh, sure, they have widgets for almost everything nowadays, but do they have a personally customisable online sock library?
You can’t buy ‘cillin antibiotics without a prescription if you’re a two- or four-legged mammal or even a reptile, but if you’re a fish you can waltz right into the aquarium store and leave with a brown paper bag of the good stuff.
Think about your friend’s underpants, for one.
I think Lucky Charms is the friendliest cereal, while Mueslix would cross the street to spit in your face.
School starts in two weeks, and I still haven’t run around naked on the beach or eaten barbecue sandwiches with 400 people, the usual staples of the season.
The productivity chip in my robot underwear is obviously faulty; what else could possibly explain my constant reluctance to get up and get going?
It began that August night in 1967 when, running home just after dusk, I inhaled a firefly.
“NASA discovered a worrisome gouge on Endeavour’s belly soon after the shuttle docked with the international space station Friday, possibly caused by ice that broke off the fuel tank …”
I’m also (sigh) distantly related to someone named Bubba.
I’m related to Sonny Bono; he’s a farmer hick of Italian descent who lives in Southeast Texas.
The pimple on Holly’s nose soon eclipsed her dainty proboscis as prom approached; desperate, she popped the monstrosity only to find that she had deflated her nose as well.
Peter was under no legal obligation to inform the landlord of his extensive bird nest collection, although he found that not talking about it was almost next to impossible.
Bobby stared at the bug legs lying in the bathroom sink, growing more and more suspicious.
I won’t deny that Jeremiah almost smiled when the pastry lady told him her name, but years of growling at people isn’t easily derailed.
As inspired by: Keith's Bug Legs
The domain of the Moulders was damp and treacherous, with each village having to rebuild after the soapy floods that rushed down every few hours.
Today I wrote my novel in white paint on a white wall.
“It’s not the fact we aren’t allowed to wear clothing that makes me unhappy,” said Randall the Robot to the bartender, “it’s just that I’ve always had a penchant for collecting underpants and there really isn’t any point.”
I’ve always wanted to be a sculpter, and what I mean by that is I’ve always wanted to have an excuse to sit in a room and make one piece ladders out of copper wiring all day.
As inspired by: boot's underpant sadness
“Well if it’s any consolation, bud,” the bartender replied, “that 3000XT at the end of the bar has been undressing that metal butt of yours with some sort of sexual logarithm all night long.”
In two days my kid starts middle school, which she persists on calling Junior High School; which one of us is right?
“They tried to sell us jars of peanut butter and jelly all swirled together back in the Seventies, and we laughed it off the shelves, Boy, just laughed it right off,” sneered Zeke’s father, gesturing at the grocery shelf while his motorized scooter weaved precariously, “but now look - it’s back - which is proof positive your generation is gullible enough to buy anything.”
Hell is receiving an invitation to the wedding reception of the brother of a dear friend, which you accept with alacrity, knowing that this is going to be the Best Wedding Reception Ever, because a) the fare is hardcore Chinese buffet and you’ll finally be able to get you some chicken feet in black bean sauce; b) the groom is an orthodontist-by-day, rock-guitarist-by night and all of his musician friends will be playing at the reception; c) you’ll get to socialize with one of your best friends, who you see far too rarely now that she doesn’t commute into the city every day; and d) you get to kick off your reentry into the work week with a kickass party…and then having to call your friend and cancel just hours before the reception because you brought either a mild cold or a severe allergy attack home with you.
“I think you need a little mucilage on that fusillage.”
“First of all, you’re hardly dalliancical enough to get away with it, Peter, and second of all, that’s not even a word.”
Scientists recently discovered many of the chemical bonds found in concrete to also be present in humans, leading speculation in the pharmaceutical industry to the future availability of the so-called “anti-stubborn” pill; Dr. Mengli Bhottwano, lead scientist for the ChemCow team working on the project was quick to point out that a solution is still many years away, adding, “Despite all the testing on the Humacrete™ process, to date not one human has been successfully restructured into an attractive bird bath, although it should be noted that several quality human Buddhas have been created.”
After years of research, Doctor Doppelfang created the world’s first methane-powered elevator for use at the headquarters of The Boston Baked Beans Company.
I now think of him as my brother, except that I’ve never seen him laugh milk out his nose or fart the alphabet.
Just when I start hoping I’ll die of old age some day, a letter arrives to remind me that the cause will be banking complications.
As inspired by: Keith's Death By Banking Complications
It is a little known fact that among the angels in heaven there is an ironclad hierarchy defined by your death—with death by falling piano the extreme top of the pecking order and death by banking complications establishing the other end of the spectrum
“Soe grete is myn myrth, ich hath wyth kaffee myn screne yshoured!”
Unlike old men, computers sometimes return from the shop with their memories intact.
Grud looked around at the piles of, well, stuff and vowed (once again) never to move house.
There are those who say Ben lost his grip on reality when he petitioned to have his name legally changed to “Donald Duck” but really, that was just a marketing ploy—he actually lost it ten years earlier when he began compiling his opus, The Oxford English Duckionary.
“I think instead of gold or silver or diamonds or whatever, the 20-year anniversary gift ought to be a mutual exchange of ‘One Free Pass To Have An Affair’ vouchers,” Grace explained to the bartender, slurring her words only slightly.
My computer’s camera must be staring right through me, because what else could explain a logic board going bad compounded by a memory problem?
She stretched back her arms, sprouted feathers, and swept into the sky.
“Never buy coffee from a ‘grease’ no matter how great your need, they specialise in frying not brewing”
It’s too damn nice out to work in an office today.
Searching for a new place to live, Henry felt as tired and stretched as the elastic on a pair of month-old hobo underwear.
The editorial staff of Merriam-Websters has determined that the word, “corn,” is the funniest word in the English language.
The sum total of human thinking can be summarized with the question, “Why did Peter Piper pick a peck of pickled peppers?”
“Father I cannot tell a lie. I didn’t do it.”
~George Washington
Father, I cannot tell a lie. I didn’t do it.”
George Washington