It’s a nifty little word and no language kit would be complete without it.
Though her heart was worn down and broken, as she turned in her seat she caught sight of something uplifting, something that shined.
Coming soon to a Scrine store near you!
Fearing something pretty is generally not so well received as fearing something ugly.
I guess it is safe to say that someone suffering from hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia can’t diagnose themselves.
They’re the answer to our butterfly problem.
“You may have run out of things to say,” the doctor told Henry, “but the fact that your tongue hasn’t fallen out yet leads me to believe you’ll eventually have a full recovery.”
“But, but, everyone says ‘it’s always easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission,’” stuttered Patrick as his wife handed him the divorce paperwork.
Sometimes my job is a tiny bit depressing.
Dr. Brennan plans to team up with a biomechanics expert to build a transparent model of a female duck because she wants to see exactly what a giant duck phallus does during mating. (full story in todays NY Times)
Due to the hermetic efficiency of modern subway cars, a full day’s recovery from a cold can now be undone in the time it takes to travel to work.
Her Id took the form of Elvis, when it wanted to be seen by the Ego.
Jesus doesn’t eat meatloaf.
Bart was convinced that his appliances were laughing at him behind his back whenever he left the kitchen
OK, Lily thought, the last of the annuals are installed in the garden, the patio pots are all filled and set in their places…it’s time to raindance, baby!
Frazzled at her sass, ginger snapped and told the cinnamon to stick it.
Harold quickly learned that you don’t stand outside in a thunderstorm if you have a metal plate in your head.
The snails formed a phalanx and slimed in unison toward the hapless squash plants.
In farmer heaven, everyone looks good in bib overalls.
When I wear my carpenter jeans with my cowboy shirt, my wife says I look like a homeless farmer—an oxymoronic profession I imagine involves a shopping cart and some flower pots.
My wife has promised me that right after the baby is born, we can high five in the delivery room—she’s promised!
if man boobs are no laughing matter, mused Derick, then why isn’t the government doing anything about them?
man boobs are serious enough that the issue at least warrants a labor day telethon
a nun walked into a bar with a duck tucked underneath her arm, she saddled up to the bar and nodded at the horse trying to look nonchalant while tossing back rye shots and smoking a Swisher Sweet
Harry looked over at Ms. Moonfrye and brushed a stray hair from her sleeping face when it hit him that while she was now in her 30’s the world might still condemn him for sleeping with Punky Brewster
Gary Coleman doesn’t eat meatloaf; Jesus really, really doesn’t eat meatloaf
As an orderly I find that cleaing bedpans allows me the opportunity to ponder such philosophical questions such as, has my life come down to this?
“Pass the meatloaf,” said Moses, not wanting to know more details.
In Heaven, Jesus often sings backup for Meatloaf…. “I wanna know right now, do you love me, will you love me forever, do you need me….
“Just because I occasionally like to take the shape of meatloaf,” said God, “doesn’t mean you should eat me.”
“I don’t eat you just because you occasionally take the shape of meatloaf,” said God.
I mince therefore I spam.
What’s the best way to convince my wife that ‘Scrine’ is a lovely name for a child?
I’d like to see Keith recreate the upcoming birth of Steve’s baby in Lego form.
When I was a teenager, my father confiscated my AC/DC Back in Black and Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap albums because, he said, they were the Best Albums Ever to crank up and have sex to—no, he wasn’t afraid I’d use them that way, he simply wanted them kept in his bedroom for himself and his new girlfriend to use.
Do AC/DC fans in the US refer to the great rockers in the same way that we Australians do?
“In the Latin, children, we call it transsubstantiatio, and what that means for us is that for that moment, the meatloaf and ketchup become the body and blood of Christ.”
One out of eight 21st century babies have been the butt of an Internet joke prior to birth.
Pens; they’re just never soggy enough.
Everybody always says, “I’d kill for a cup of coffee,” but how many people have actually done it, thought Tim smugly as he savored his morning cuppa and noticed there was still blood on his hands.
As I rescued a baby rabbit from the grips of my cats mouth and sent the seemingly unharmed creature on its way, I can’t help but wonder if being brought to the brink of death by a being greater than yourself only to be let go and probably die of fright later anyway is covered in the Geneva Conventions.
Just because life ISN’T fair, doesn’t mean that it SHOULDN’T be.
Life might be fair after all; just not fair to you (or me) personally.
A dream involving a search for a bathroom is only successful if you don’t actually find one.
She tended to tailgate while driving, but out of a sense of melancholy rather than impatience per se.
I’m always telling prospective parents to name their baby girls “Pamela”, and extolling the name’s classic roots and versatility; but so far, I’m sad to report, the names Kourtney and Haven have totally whupped Pamela’s butt.
Deb was afraid that she could only afford a vacation by way of a random out of body experience.
It was only when we reached the halfway point in the tunnel that we realized that the light that had been our guide was actually on front of an oncoming train.
i admit it; i spoke the name of the dark lord of desserts, which his rich gooey fudgy goodness, that goes so well with a nice steaming cup of joe.
He strode into the room a flamethrower, his hot angry words incinerating every living thing within his range; two days later, he is loping in, scratching his head in bewilderment at the charred remains all around, oblivious to the fact that the decimation he now sees is the result of his own venom .
A morning like this is not for the faint of heart, what with all the light and birds chirping and fresh air and all.
If I could pick a superpower, I’d want the powers of a skilled nurseryman—to know the names of plants, to properly prune and graft trees and to make nature respond approvingly to my touch.
In the future, old people will buy clothes from The Age Gap.
Listen, son, life basically boils down to three distinct choices: you become a believer and spend your days looking forward to eternal syndication, you take the aethiest path and try to cope with cancellation after only one single episode, or you choose to embrace reincarnation, and make peace with being a rerun.
[Insert something here about how we are all just sandcastles on the beach waiting for the tide.]
Exactly how and when do you think they find out, if they ever do?
Still, dogs must die; and in the end,
When he is past caressing,
We’ll mourn him like some human friend
Whose presence was a blessing.
I couldn’t say for sure what the pheasant was repeatedly squawking about, but at 5 a.m., it sure sounded a lot like, “Get up!”
Balance comes from constant motion.
The answer to nearly every dog question is: because they can.
Even if you don’t feed your dogs at the table, they’re imaginative enough to place themselves where food might accidentally land.
Take a few minutes; they may be all you get.
Take a few jelly beans; they may be all I give you.
Steve’s quick replies and superb attention to inner cranial detail left the reader’s head spinning like an intergalactic disco ball going supernova.
I’m not sure wearing a bag on my head is the greatest idea, but I’m doing it anyway.
Just beyond the finish line, looking at the sea of faces all around her, sweat-slashed and grimacing while the bodies they were attached to twisted and contorted in bizarre unnatural stretches; Lily had the sudden realization that they were all willing participants in a huge orgy of pain.
You know you’re tired when you can’t even recall what those little bits are that break up those really big words into little… bits.
Sure I’ll take a beer, I said; having done your landscape for the last 13 years, I think I’ve probably earned one, I thought.
A minute ago there was a sentence here about God in the form of a meatloaf, which was the first thing to make me chortle today, and now it is gone, leaving to me wonder if the lord has smote the heretical sentence; I suppose that is better, however, than wondering if there is a lord at all.
Troy’s wife didn’t buy his, “but I’m an author and I’m doing reasearch on what an affair is really like so I can write more realistically about my character’s experiences” line.
And lo, a flaming meatlord appeared on the horizon, causing Loretta to plow headlong into the SUV in front of her.
When your dinner is so laden with bird chile flakes that tears run down your eyes as you locomotor the noodles under your nose en route to your mouth, it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to cry for real.
The next ship will be departing at 12.23, stopping all systems through the Milky Way, and terminating at Canis Major Dwarf.
“You see, I’m just a web server… here I am, brain the size of the universe, trying to serve you a simple web page and then it doesn’t even exist!”
“It’s going to be another beautiful day.”
The man at the drinking fountain made lapping noises that sounded just like a thirsty animal.
Her cell phone ventured one spiny tendril through her ear and into her brain, and after that they were both much happier.
I am on my way to the Denver patent office with my newest idea; rat-kabobs not only help control the cities rodent population but provide a nutitional and tasty snack I plan to sell at Bronco’s and Nuggets games.
Sexual politics would be fine by me if we elected porn stars and strippers to congress like they do in Italy.
Ein Mann mit verschwitzten testicals kann an nichts sonst denken.
I think I may be coming down with the Bubonic Plague.
Keith kept showing up at the Salem club scene waiting for robot dancing to come back in style
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Agreeing to give up beer for the duration of her pregnancy seemed like a much better idea in the middle of winter, when it was too cold to stand by a grill stacked with meat.
Unidentified man calls to report that there are three Harolds living within 500 feet of him and fears there may be a conspiracy; officer responds but is unable to triangulate the location of the unidentified man based on the location of the Harolds.
Given this mornings news I believe it would be prudent if I cancel my 2 week Cuban cruise complete with a 3 course meal served at the prestigious Club Trade Embargo.
Akbar immediately called Homeland Security and his mother when he looked up at the CCTV screen accross from his counter and caught himself doing something he didn’t approve of
Squirrels have been stealing my underpants
Set for release this fall is the latest installment of Caged Heat starring Paris Hilton.
Jesus assesed himself in the mirror nodding approvingly at the gold hoop earrings that complemented his lipstick.
As she cut off the mother of the bully’s SUV and flipped her the finger, she noticed the round O of her mouth and her frustration; it was something she knew would come back to haunt her in the coming days but was so damn satisfying it was completely worth it.
Jolene realized that she had misheard the poet, love was not a “many splintered” thing; none-the-less it suited her just fine.
Unable to keep the invisible monkeys from chittering in his head Bob decided to swallow his gun.
Juan discovered, upon plucking his nose hairs, that he was going gray.
Ted wondered if he should preemptively tell Angie of his Jessica Rabbit fetish or if he should try to hide it.
Tick, tick, tick, beer!
Br. Ezra pounded the keyboard in frustration as another witty comment to the “sad, sad truth” slipped into cyberspace unread by his fellow scriners and only lonely error message marking its short futile existence.
Grandma always taught us that we were to forgive others as the bible teaches, unless the other person happened to be British.
Meatloaf has been seriously under utlized as an artistic medium, as a scultping medium it far surpases clay.
Meatloaf has been seriously under utlized as an artistic medium, as a scultping medium it far surpases clay.