I’ve always thought change did nothing but kick your ass, but if you sit back and relax, you’ll notice it prancing about and preening itself.
There’s nothing funnier than a comb over on a windy day, unless the comb over is yours.
I absolutely approve of spiders, but I’d rather not eat one, thank you very much.
Shame there wasn’t time to put together a Fool’s Day Show this year.
Her sense of fairness left her indignant at the world much of the time.
I don’t care if they are the horticultural equivalent of Kobe beef; I don’t care how uniform is their appearance or how perfect is their taste; I don’t care that the fruit never touches soil and requires delicate, finicky transportation: I will NOT pay five dollars for a freaking strawberry.
I think I may do something Colossally Stupid today, something which will bring pain and despair into my life, something I will likely regret for the rest of my days; and I fear I haven’t the power to stop myself.
The trouble with beginning a shower while still half asleep is that by the time you’re awake you may not remember if you’ve already washed your hair.
Vitaman didn’t have any useful powers with which to battle supervillains, but he was always in excellent health.
You know it’s going to be a bad day when you are sitting at the office drinking your morning coffee and realize the crotch of your pants is splitting and you only have a stapler to fix it with and your first appointment will be arriving in minutes.
In Dogworld, funerals for the short-lived humans would be much different.
Goddamn it, the grass isn’t dead yet.
Boing wished he could get his superpower—which caused him to wake up several inches taller or shorter most days—under control.
A superhero party just isn’t a party unless you’ve invited Bugler and The Cheese Whizzard.
“Real life isn’t like that, son, because in real life, most of our time is like one giant, extended commercial, where we try to pay the bills, and then every once in awhile, for thirty seconds or so, or maybe a minute if you can really afford it, you get yourself a teensy, tiny little piece of entertainment.”
Her supernatural hot flashes could peel paint and cause sarcasm in all who beheld her.
As inspired by: Red-Hot Library Lust
“When that day comes, I suppose I’ll be one of those dirty old men, white-bearded like Whitman, poking around in the stacks of derelict libraries, caressing the spines, perusing the neglected volumes, and contemplating how his desire for books only increases with age.”
Today is International Purple Boot Day.
It’s my global responsibility.
It’s the life of the free-wheeling pirate for me.
You are driving a Nissan Altima and your “thumper” sound system rattles and sounds like ass.
There are very few problems that can’t be solved with gin.
I’d always presumed that the word goober originated from something green and gooey, but apparently it’s just a peanut.
How the heck does such a little bunny get over those big backyard fences.
And why doesn’t the Easter Bunny get a sleigh, reindeer and helper elves too?
When women finally rule the world, we will save a bundle on electricity during the summer, because we will require that the A/C stay turned up past 80 degrees.
You know your office has budgetary issues when you ask to replace your computer mouse - not a fancy ergonomically-correct chair or anything, dammit, just a mouse! - and the supply girl carefully unlocks her cabinet, looks forlornly into the empty space, then offers to go scrounging through semi-abandoned cubicles for a used replacement for you.
No matter what it is you’ve got, you usually want the other.
I, um, well, you know… er… how big is your poodle?
No matter how many clicky pencils I have, I always want more.
I want Bakerina to cook for me.
“All the happiness in the world can’t buy you money.”
Becky peered merrily at all the rusty reds and yelling yellows and nodded to the microscopic squirrel nearby as she said, “Looks like Scrine to me.”
“Homework!” she bellowed, her heart swelling happily with the torture of her child.
God, I’m old.
Hidden deep underground in the refurbished mole burrow, Joel was finally able to relax.
After being snubbed once again by all the moms at pickup time, she decided to take the logical route and show up the next time covered in gold paint, riding a chariot, singing “Inna Gadda Da Vida.”
Here in Oregon, one day of good hot sunshine almost makes a man feel viable again.
“So have any of these cheezmoes taken you to McGlinchey’s yet?” said the children’s book buyer to the new shipping/receiving manager, and the rest was history.
Chester grappled daily with the inconsequentiality of existence.
Sometimes there are small sheets of paper layered between the slices of cheese, and you should peel those off before making your sandwich.
Snow in April is not really okay with me.
“If I had to choose between giving up my taste buds or my testicles, I’d be singing soprano.”
Meanwhile, the Easter father remembered the day last summer when the lawnmower made short work of one missed 3-month-old Easter egg.
The Easter Bunny deposited his eggs, working stealthily in the predawn light, taking great joy in the annual ritual of finding ever tougher spots that the growing children demanded.
Woops, we forgot baskets!
The Christians in the house were naturally joyous, but Uncle Bob, the family atheist, always refused to get out of bed on Easter because, as he put it, “It drives home the point that no one, including me, rises again on this day.”
I’m so convinced that the SciFi network can make a horror movie out of anything that I’ve sent them my terrifying screenplay Kukes!
“Let’s see, I’ve got my beetroot, some plums, I’m wearing my purple suede boots… what am I missing?”
If I must drool, I may as well drool on cashmere.
from The Diving-bell and the Butterfly
I must remember to reschedule the impossible-to-please 82 year old woman/man (impossible-to-tell over the phone).
Henry was shocked to learn he’d wasted four long years researching fondness when Ruth, his lab assistant, informed him that it was absence that made the heart grow fonder, and not abstinence, although this did prove once and for all that doctors should never test theories on themselves.
Spring break with two bickering children has to count for more points than Christmas break, for the traffic as much as anything else.
Everyone in the world is more interesting than they seem from a distance.
People always smell bad when you get right up close.
I need to remember that rescheduling impossible-to-please 82 year old women/men (still impossible-to-tell) only delays the inevitable.
General contractors often don’t read as much as others because talking to many prospective customers for an hour contains roughly the same amount of story material as three thick books.
Imagine her surprise when she realized she’d been ignoring the laundry for a full month.
Seems to me that small, single-serving bags of snack food should not be allowed to claim 120-calories per serving and then quietly note in microprint that there are seven servings in aforementioned tiny bag.
“I am not now, nor have I ever been, a gloom cookie.”
A week after the soliloquy ended, Hamlet’s words were still echoing inside her skull.
I don’t know what it’s made of, but I’m certain that I’ll love it.
As inspired by: steve's optimist
Everyone in the world is more interesting up close, even if they happen to be smelly.
It was easy deciding to name the company BoredDuck Enterprises; it was much harder determining what to sell.
All the things you’ve lost have been sucked down into Earth’s molten magma core, where they languish, floating around, conspiring against us all.
The woman so intently focused on her book, ‘The history of the world, pt 1’, didn’t realise that her process of reading and ripping each page out as she was done was attracting the horrified attention of her fellow commuters.
As a gardener, I am full of free advice; yesterday, for instance, I told the 82 year old woman that she should take her cane and give her money-grubbing nephew two or three good solid whacks on the head the next time he showed up in her garden.
The freak explosion over at the big box store scattered giant bottles of mayonnaise all over her lawn, while the neighbor on her right received four thousand duffel bags on two large pallets.
At 95 she held onto her independence as best she could, hiring us to mow the lawn that was as small, tired, and lumpy as she was, and each time we arrived she would push open that aluminum screen door just enough to poke her head through, turtle-like, the house around her protecting her like a shell, the loose skin of her neck stretching long, then tightening slightly as the smile came to her face and she’d say the same thing to us with each and every visit: “You boys are here to mow the valley, aren’t you? Have at it, then! Time’s a wastin’!”
There is so much about the modern bathroom I don’t understand; for instance, why is there an old banana peel sitting on the counter, and why doesn’t it ever leave?
Oh, excuse me, is my decaying brain showing?
As inspired by: grudknows's heh Heh HEH
The other woman tore one of the front pages out of her book, just because she thought the quote was interesting and she couldn’t be bothered writing it down.
I once got a job selling shoes at Sears, just so I could hide my brain in one of the shoeboxes, but as you might imagine, that didn’t really work out too well.
“Not all men are annoying,” Alice replied. “Some are dead.”
New Scrine skins are like baths…you wash away everything dull and it’ll give you a lovely scent too.
The ground was so fertile that even her children, whom she buried up to the ankles for an hour each day, grew enormously tall, healthy and leafy.
It sounds funny until you actually see one and then it’s not.
Henry believed in hand delivering bad news.
I was giving myself a haircut in the dream and things were going pretty well right up until the moment I noticed that the head of the clipper looked more like a small TV antenna than hair clipper blades, and that is when I accidentally cut off all my chest hair.
I don’t claim to understand all conspiracies; the toilet paper industry, for example, continually entices the consumer with increasingly soft toilet tissue—so soft, in fact, that bits of it are now prone to break off and roll into little tiny balls that stick between your cheeks if you’re not careful—but as to what the TP industry is really up to, or why they would ever want to do this to us, is beyond me.
I’m wearing a tie for the second time this week, and I am even less happy about it than I was the first time.
Bad, out-of-season tomatoes are worse than no tomatoes at all.
Round trip train ticket to Penn Sta..$19.00;
Taxicab to the upper east side…$18.00;
Humongous cup of pumpkin spice coffee at cute funky coffee shop $3.00;
Coffee with the lovely and brilliant Bunni….PRICELESS!
Juan realized, with some dismay, that last night’s gin apparently drowned the brain cell that controlled his mind’s ability to process time linearly.
A man can dream.
According to the diary kept by Henry during the climb, it was Emilio who left early on that day in search of breakfast gravy, and not Henry, who opted to stay behind and worry.
If she stayed down low, sometimes on her belly, she was able to dodge the food thrown by her savage children and their wild-eyed friends.
Lulled by the swush swush of the dishwasher, they collapsed into a pile, and, always alert, she was able to roll exhausted to the phone to call the authorities.
Pregnancy really does change everything: instead of standing around in The Gap for ages while my wife didn’t buy anything, today I stood around for ages in Gap Maternity.
We returned to the dusty haven of bits, bobs, books and what-nots, but this time we took the camera.
He wept with dismay as he watched his daughter kicking the crap out of him at Scrabble for the second time that day.
What with all the singing witnesses, and the wax 44 lit up atop the approaching cake, Rosemary realized she would no longer be allowed to deny middle age.
Though she had lived with her fair share of both all her life, Patti was still amazed at how long dogs and men could sleep.
We’ve had the year of rice, the year of the pig, the year of the dolphin, even the year of the heliophysical, so why not other stuff as well?
“Too many irons in the fire,” is a saying generally understood by most, but any saying involving the words “red hot poker” is prone to misinterpretation.
For the past week or two Ive seen elephants on the way to work and it’s made my day but this morning, like a temporary mist lifting from the valley, the carnies and their elephants were gone and my day was poorer for it.
If you stay in the same place long enough, not only will the whole world pass you by, but everyone who has ever wronged you will show up and apologize.
Monday assaulted his sensibilities like a Barbara Walters Special conducted in FFN Vision*.
*Full Frontal Nudity Vision
Neckties flapping in the wind, the lawyers at the watering hole were amazed to find a helicopter landing on the road.
Of course, since we’ve only been seeing one another a very short time, it will not bother me at all if you decide to share an apartment with a former girlfriend who just last week told you she’d still like to have sex with you occasionally just for old time’s sake.
The mother heart, connected to all mother hearts, cannot bear to ever again beat the same rhythm after today.
Watching the news and the fancy graphics used to entice us, it occurred to me that it was actually someone’s job to decide which font would actually look best to describe the killings.