Lemmings make great pets as long as you keep them on a leash.
Originally John Paul II had contemplated taking the name John Paul George Ringo I but he wasn’t sure Bono would appreciate the cultural reference.
The worst thing about brothers is the hangovers they cause.
You will get wrinkles.
Gerald knew that dating the monkey meant he could never successfully run for president, but then, he wasn’t that ambitious of a man anyway—Congressman would be fine.
If you type “Scrine” with your right hand on the wrong keys, you get scrine’s evil twin “Scrube.”
There’s an old wives’ tale that says if March comes in like a lion, it will go out like a lamb - but no old wife ever bothered to mention what to do if March, as it has today, comes in like a nauseated lemur.
As a child, Muriel refused to take the training wheels off her bike for a whole year; as an adult, finally poised to take her first job in politics, the analogy was not lost on her.
It would have been the best, most relaxing, most satisfying stretch she’d ever had in her life, if only her coworker in the next cube hadn’t called out in a bright little voice, “Oh, my god, you sound like bubble wrap!”
“I can’t pee under these circumstances”.
Twice this week I’ve had people say to me “Hey, it’s The Mango Kid”.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Since the restaurant at the end of the universe is already taken
Unlike lemon cake, this is not so citric and a little more bouncy.
The world would be a happier place if everyone had a piece of cake.
I’m sure the lemmings all jumped because they’d just found the pub with no beer.
It’s sweet, crumbly, can be cut into neat little slices, stored in the pantry, eaten with coffee, is baked in a very hot oven, … um…
When all you can talk about is boots, beer and cake, it might be time to give up and just damn well go and drink beer.
Is there a 12-step program for scriners?
Lucy watched his glorious strut across the store aisles, eyed his mangoes longingly, caught a whiff of his sea salty odor, and then let him walk away.
After losing to Jesus in cribbage for the 10th time that day Dave began to wonder if heaven really was just a trailer park off of I-5, a place where you would be surrounded by aging celebrities thought to be dead and Popes who actually were dead.
Greta was crestfallen at her doctor’s insistence that the only way to quit her Cribbage habit was to go gold turkey…I am a vegetarian she whined to herself
I have been sitting here for hours contemplating my navel like a good monk and the only thing I have to show for it is belly button lint and my ass has fallen asleep; enlightenment is overated.
My “life of quiet desperation” is next door playing his music too loud and yelling at his roommate; it may be time to move or at least rethink what I am doing.
She took a deep breath, swallowed the clouds, and exhaled the sun.
Two of the seven kids under Gerald’s charge of had accidentally exited the museum, and now were standing on the other side of the one-way gate, looking at him guiltily while the other children hopped and hooted in alarm; one of his first thoughts was my god they’re on the loose and another was good riddance.
“In retrospect,” said Buddy ruefully, adjusting the cold steak over his eye, “when the minister got to the part where he asked if I would take this woman to be my wedded wife for as long as we both shall live, it was probably a bad move to reply, ‘— yeah, what the hell’.”
I am contemplating suing Steven Spielberg as his Animaniacs bear an uncanny resemblance to my own creation, ‘Toon ‘Tards.
Wasn’t there something I was supposed to do?
She sucked the money out of him like a praying mantis, before his unfortunate death from excessive thirst.
I don’t want to sit across the table from you, wishing I could run.
“One room is for eating, and the other is for dancing!” he exclaimed.
One room is for drinking, and the other is for dancing!
Henry strode boldly into the radio station (well, he liked to think it was bold striding) and shouted through the stocking concealing his face, ‘give me all of your music and no one will get hurt’.
Mavis and Dexter woke up one morning and realising they’d run out of things to talk about, decided to get married.
As inspired by: grudknows's Stick ‘em up!
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, while the prosecution has just argued a most elegant case, it has been, nonetheless, and argument filled with wild and bold assertions, attempting to have you believe that the man here on trial, the simple man whose fate rests in your hands is a violent, corporate destroying pirate and an aggressive anarchist of the worst kind, whose actions threaten to unravel the very thread of this society, but let me remind you, lest you forget, lest we all forget, that this most ordinary family man, my client Henry, walked into that radio station armed only with an old cassette tape recorder and nothing else, and further, that when the batteries went dead in this antiquated contraption of his did not, I repeat, did not cold-heartedly reload those batteries as the prosecution has suggested, but rather, in a most polite manner, quietly asked the radio station’s receptionist if she had any D-cells in her desk.
A Scriner’s conference would be short indeed.
Juan never was able to find the energy to build the intravenous caffeine injection system he imagined would change his life.
When Libby stepped on the Devil’s tail with her spiked high heels it was entirely premeditated and she was ready to accept the consequences.
Mr. Aspry, the first man in town to own a flying car, paid the exorbant fee with money he’d socked away for sixty years in his mattress - the same place he’d stashed his old Heinlein sci-fi magazines.
Tulip couldn’t stop herself from raising her head and staring at the Spring sun.
To overcome her fear of blood, Dr. Dickens recommended Lynn become a heart surgeon.
Dr. Dickens lost his license shortly after it came out that he’d recommend Tarik become a pyromaniac to overcome his fear of fire.
She realized, ten years too late, that his Michael Caine chin disguised a shocking lack of acting skills.
At first glance, one wouldn’t think so, which I guess just goes to prove that first impressions can be wrong because many of her friends and family referred to her as ‘beautiful’ or ‘bella’ in lieu of her name and I’m sure they can’t all be delusional.
Jo pondered what her next 25 sentences were going to be - if only she could find something to write, she could over throw boot as president of the beer and coffee club 500 club.
Look, I know those daisy chains you’ve been making of late are pretty and I know you’ve out grown the villagers we gave you for your graduation but your mother is right - if you won’t lift a finger in smite we have no choice but to send you off to smoting school.
There are people I feel I know so well and yet I can’t even hold them by the shoulder and say, “are you doing okay?”
As inspired by: boot's weird
It’s weird that that last sentence was the first time we had a sentence titled ‘weird’.
As inspired by: boot's weirder
There are people weirder than Becky or Miss Jane still floating about in my head.
Cham doesn’t sound like a word, so it’s a good thing that the inventors of spam didn’t use curry powder instead of ‘spice’.
As inspired by: boot's weird
Most of the people I know are weird - well, at least according to other people but I think they are all quite normal in their own unique way (it’s just not always obvious) and if you took them by the shoulder and said, ‘are you ok’ you’d get some fabulous and somewhat different answers but may walk away none the wiser about the answer to your intended question.
When you first meet someone and they allow you a glimpse of the them that they keep for the selected few, you may think ‘weird’ when first exposed to some of their unique idiosyncracies, but mostly, if you stick around, and know them for long enough - these will probably be the quirks you come to adore or accept without question.
His first clue should have been the gas-powered flames licking in quiet readiness out the back of her shoes.
As inspired by: boot's cham
The man with the tan van and golden ‘an’ went to Cham and practiced Cham attired in a traditional Cham mask all the while keeping the beat to the sounds of that famous girl band, Cham.
Unlike me, the “Doug” mug is very real.
Ah, it is winter in the Bay Area, and all the daffodils are in bloom.
Bzzzzttttt crackle pop ssssssssss we interrupt this program to bring you this public service announcement - steps are being taken to apprehend grudknows and stop her from scrining just because she’s not sleeping - our staff are out there and armed with larger than normal tranquilisers… bzzztttt sshhhhhhh… crackle….. zip
I’m being shot at by maniacs with huge dart like needle things.
Back in the scrineiverse, Mary-Beth knelt before the alter, placing tokens to represent the sacred icons of coffee, food, alcohol, pirates and words - later, she could never be sure, but she liked to think that the unusual rainbow that appeared in the sky and the way the flowers seemed to be dancing in the garden were a blessing from Becky.
Joe-Bob finished creating his sculpture of the great bird and looked up to the sky, silently praying to Bakerina and ‘mouse to bless him with some good lovin’.
As inspired by: Jo's How!
Betty-Sue, brow wrinkled in concentration, measured the cham in exact amounts and reading from her Scrineiverse spell book chanted the ancient words until little astronauts appeared (or rather grew) out of the cham and presented her with beautiful yellow daffodils before heading off to inspect the world.
Mary-Ann, Betty-Sue’s self-proclaimed nemesis, measured her cham hastily and without care (her only aim being to create astronauts before that skank Betty-Sue) - unfortunately, in her hurry she become tongue-tied and stuttered while speaking the ancient words, causing her cham turn in to a pile of steaming … (well, it’s probably best we don’t say).
Becky was responsible for the rainbow and the dancing flowers, but she was also responsible for the short shower of sleeping gnus not five minutes later.
As inspired by: grudknows's break in transmission
The dominatrix training started with baby steps - today it was slapping people upside the head but tomorrow - tomorrow they got whips!
Tomorrow, once I’ve slept, it’s possible that I’ll look back upon the posts of the last 24 hours with horrified embarrassment.
The wake-up call lady liked her clients to think she was warm, gentle and friendly, but they never knew about her secret collection of whips.
When Mo-Zeus climbed the mountain and talked to the Great Bird, his only question was, ‘Is Keith real?’.
On earth there are some folks who believe in god, some who believe in the devil and some who believe in both - in the scrineverse there are some that believe in Keith or the Great Bird and maybe even the divinities of ‘other things’ but many are confused about who to believe in when it comes to powers of the equal opposite - could it be… ‘Dark Steve’?
The scrippies bouncing through the field making daffodil chains discovered a man rolling around, laughing and ocassionally shouting ‘yippeeeee!’ who taught them other uses for the flowers they’d been collecting.
When she’s around all lines of perspective lead only to her; it’s astounding and breaks the laws of physics.
Flowers, those shameless hussies, line my driveway with licentious posturing, shame! Shame!
Maybe a Mormon could (and will) one day be President of the United States, but an agnostic never could - not while our most strident TV pundits are also our most intolerant citizens - which is too bad, ‘cause I got a million agnostic jokes and nobody interested in any of ‘em.
Man cannot live by words alone—he also needs punctuation and a medium.
Jack suspected he was not the first person to realize that a couple hours of really good sex was an excellent full-body workout, but to his knowledge, he was the only one designing a health club around the concept.
She looked forward to the next obstacle with what could only be characterized as a dark glee.
My horoscope says that if I am single, I’m in for a month of really high quality nookie and if I’m married to “watch out for disruptive forces.”
Some days God couldn’t remember his name and worried he was becoming an agnostic and would cease to exist, but his doctor reassured him, telling him that it was only the onset of Alzheimer’s, and that he would always be God, except that one day he would just not remember it, for all eternity.
Her luxuriant gray hair (she was sixty now, just the age of the sarcastic editor, Doremus Jessup) could be seen below her youthful, floppy Leghorn hat; she wore a silk print dress with an enormous string of crystal beads, and pinned above her ripe bosom was an orchid among lilies of the valley…[s]he was full of friendliness toward all the men present: she wriggled at them, she cuddled at them, as in a voice full of flute sounds and chocolate sauce she poured out her oration on “How You Boys Can Help Us Girls.”
As things turned out, Henry’s horoscope mistress turned out to have her head in the stars.
Oh, here it is: If you can deny it or re-define it into non-existence even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, then it doesn’t exist.
During his long and successful career as a litigation attorney, Patrick S., Esq. always referred to his bar card as his “license to lie.”
During the murder trial of Reginald Spalking, the Cincinnati plumber who would eventually be acquitted of all charges related to the death of Patrick S., Esq, successful litigation attorney, Spalking was quoted as saying, “Let a sleeping dog lie is one thing, but let a lying dog sleep is something else altogether.”
I know I’ve turned down Replica Watch’s application for Scrine membership at least a hundred times now, so I suppose it just wouldn’t be fair to let BritneNude join on the first try.
Laura rarely bothered with the daily horoscope found within the bowels of the newspaper among the advertisements for movie theatres, or restaurants, for she usually just threw that section for the cat to shred up and roll around in, but out of pure boredom, she choose to take a gander.
“Jupitur will rub up against Uranus, and inspire sparks of sensuality.”
Well, she will never do that again…
Juan was amused to discover that the New York Times had lined up the headline “A Biological Hotspot in Africa with New Speciies Yet to Discover” with the next column “Food and Dining: Good Eats.”
Bob knew life came in waves, but standing there on the ocean floor in his cement shoes, it was hard to appreciate the symbolism.
Staring at the high ceiling, Barbara suddenly realized that what she thought needed thousands of dollars of remodeling could be solved with a few hundred dollars of Ikea lighting.
When you’re the only one in the family without a cold, everyone else hangs upon your every sneeze, in the perverse hope you will soon be joining them in their misery.
Reading Strunk and White in the bathroom will only lead to confusion and anarchy in the Scrine screen.
“If we traded bodies, like in that movie,” said the 10-year old child to her mother, “you could have my superpower of playing piano tunes in any key, an’ I could have your superpower of being able to sit inside a cubicle.”
Dying freed up Erma to do what she’d been missing for years.
The warning label on the back of my new Bermuda shorts strongly advises against wearing them while sailing through the famed Bermuda Triangle.
While discussing the odd warning on my new Bermuda Shorts Rico, my faithful cabin boy advised that another warning label should also be affixed strongly advising against dark angle length socks and fake Birkenstocks while wearing Bermuda shorts.
After a rather rough landing atop the Chrysler building aging superhero Captain Retro began to rethink the wisdom of wearing Lycra super suits while fighting crime.
The super villain and uber genius sometimes referred to as the Testicular mused that it was important to have a name people took seriously if you planned on taking over the world.
Captain Ahab would often erupt into fits of uncontrolled snickering whenever his officers referred to members of the crew as able bodied seaman.
I really hate my roomie’s taste in jazz.
God’s favorite sport has to be hot-air ballooning, or maybe jarts; no, wait, jarts are satanic, that’s right.
just one, pam, just one more and there’s a whole new field just waiting, just one more (sentence, not job.)
Though the Suburban Amish are a thrifty people who religiously take their soda cans to the local recycling center for a return on their deposit, they never scrounge for aluminum from dumpsters or garbage bins, as they prefer not to be linked to the more fanatical Urban Shaker sects.
She learned to harness her hot flashes for good, one year bringing on an early spring by flashing as hard as she could next to a group of saplings.