“I walk loud because the spirits of elephants live inside me,” Jerry would tell people, even though deep down he knew it mostly had something to do with his large flat feet.
“I walk loud because the spirits of elephants live inside me,” Jerry would tell people, even though deep down he knew it mostly had something to do with his large flat feet.
The medical examiner looked pensively at the news anchors body stretched out on her table, “In my opinion this poor man died by drowining in a sea of superlatives. This is exactly why I get my news from the Enquirer.”
Denny Darwin often thought bitterly about the cruel twist of fate that propelled his cousin Charles in the history of scientfic thought; monkeys, did indeed, compose the works of Shakespeare and they did so wearing Armani.
On hot days, Henry would imagine himself as a knight-errant on an all-desert planet, chivalrously sweating to death inside his armor.
James was chagrined after trying to cast the young starlet in his latest production; he was certain she had said she was a thespian
Returning to the “dating scene” after years of marriage can be frustrasting for the recently divorced especially if your talent is mimicing the mating cries of several North American bird species.
His wife’s name was “Flippy,” a name that played a large part in her eventual demise.
Gee thanks CA Sex Offenders registrry—WTF does “Lewd Conduct with a Child Under 14” really mean, what was he convicted of actually doing, how many years (or decades) ago was it, did it involve boys or girls, and what exactly am I supposed to tell my children?
It had to do with a dozen soccer balls, a poorly-tied mattress on a speeding station wagon, and a truly terrible guy named Stu.
At the sudden, weird and fleshy sound, Jessica looked down at her feet to see that her skin was slowly detaching itself and that it was unravelling its way up her legs.
I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s okay, they know me here.
after his last hypnosis session, Brian understood why he had a that recurring nightmare about large groups of people coming to his house and laughing hysterically - his childhood was spent in an apartment above a comedy club.
ah, look at the cute kitty… here kitty, kitty… here kitty, kitty… want some petting, kitty?… ah, such a sweet kitty want some lovin’?… come on, kitty… here kitty, kitty… i’ve got treats!… come on, kitty… come here… i want to love on you… dont just sit there… kitty, kitty… uh umm… (silence)… damn cat… go ahead and lick your butt, i didnt want you anyway… (silence)… here kitty, kitty.
Occasionally Carl would transform into a Rodent of Unusual Morning Cheer, irritating nearly everyone within earshot.
I, for one, welcome our short, gay-ish, shallow, strange overlords.
Dearest Keith, if somewhere in that vast and impressive Scrinecast library is a copy of “I Hate Banks” by Mojo Nixon and Skid Roper, today would definitely be the day to play it.
“Sure, I like to get my funk on, but when I do, I think the car should be in park”…. what does that MEAN?
“I’m sorry,” the genie told Henry, “but you can’t be a Jedi knight and a disco king at the same time; it just doesn’t work that way.”
Love can rock you,
never stop you,
ahhhhhhhhh,
ahhhhhhhhh,
love is like a rock!
Why can’t people appreicate Roller Derby like our parents did?
The world will be lost for want of a really good apple pie.
What’s the point?
Mona and Doug found themselves being bothered by their son Curtis so often that they had taken to calling him Curtis Interuptus and thereby guaranteed that when he reached adulthood he would make some New Age Therapist very rich.
Time Travel should never be attempted while heating up microwave dinners unless you enjoy living out the life of Darren Stevens from Bewitched; gay darren not straight darren.
Among the innovations of the late 20th century the spork stands out as one of those implements that dramatically impacted our moral consciousness
Sadness comes in many forms, but it is a little unexpected when it comes in the form of a sparkly jar of paradise.
Trapped here between night and day, I watch the distant, growing glow, hoping the agonizing slowness of the sun’s rise isn’t personal.
As inspired by: boot's jam and tears
In the back corner of the pantry (where he had hidden it from himself several months ago) he found, to his great delight, his sole remaining jar of strawberry-rhubarb jam.
As inspired by: boot's jam and tears
with curiosity flowing from every pore of his being, he wondered at the peculiar taste of the grapefruit marmalade that he received from a friend in London.
Remembering it was winter in the northern hemisphere, M. Nature moused over and adjusted the “color saturation” slidebar down several degrees.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Nature circa 2007
We’re going to make a day so bright and sunny, with skies so blue, that you’ll feel compelled to go outside and play; at the same time, we’ll make that day so chilly and windy that you’ll be unable to stay outside for more than ten minutes.
Pardon me, Wisconsin; I really don’t mean to question your judgment, but it’s already 0 degrees outside—is the 30-degree windchill really necessary?
…and it’s bumper to bumper with carts at a standstill the entire length of the cheese aisle, so shoppers heading north towards beer or ice cream may may want to avoid the area temporarily using the westbound lanes of either the cereal or pasta aisle.
A loaf’s worth of rice bread dough is fermenting, potatoes which will eventually be turned into potato-oatmeal bread are bubbling on the stove, and in a few minutes I’ll need to go out to pick up some lamb (for dinner tonight), chicken (for lunches next week) and cabbage (for as much slaw as I can make); yet, even as I dislodge the last of the flour off the bread board with a bench scraper, I can hear a low, sweet, vaguely plummy voice whispering into my ear: vanilla bean buttermilk pie.
You’re right, there’s something very melancholy about preserves.
having devoured a rather large amount of buffalo wings, Ted knew that he would be spending a restless, uncomfortable night with his associate Rolaids, with occasional visits to the realm of the Porcelain Throne.
playing tally board leap frog with the Bakerina is not as fun as it seems because i know that by moving ahead that i will write off any chances of getting a good muffin recipe.
Ann Mary: (as I fumbled in her scrub pocket) “That’s not a cardamom pod, that’s my boob!!”
If you average together all the wishes upon all the stars and divide by pi r squared, you come up with the circumference of Jupiter over Saturn times world peace over a pony.
Out of tse-tse fly extract, Lawrence went looking for the plank.
It’s that thing that vitrifies into a ball of rage, smolders behind your sternum, and sears through to the core of your being.
Am I the only one that finds irony in the fact that huge numbers of Americans are watching a fierce display of testosterone by sweaty, pumped up men on teams named after strong animals; one of which is coached by a man named Lovie???
Great Puppy Bowl this year, but I’m a bit disappointed the “Bissell Kitty Halftime Show” wasn’t a vacuum chasing a cat as I’d hoped it would be.
So, with two horses standing at the fence staring at me balefully I tried to explain that “You have a whole paddock full of food, I only have one carrot and I’m eating it, plus not all horses get a huge grassy paddock to roam around in, you guys should appreciate how lucky you are” which was greeted with, not the nothing I expected but instead an abusive-sounding chorus of neighing which I took to mean “Maybe so, but the carrot would be no good after postage anyway” and “I’ll have the carrot now please.”
I turned on the television because I wanted to fit in, but there was Prince singing some big medley in the rain, dancing girls waving their arms up and down in his direction like he was a new refrigerator going up for bids on The Price Is Right, and I knew right then, without a doubt in my mind, that I never would.
Ingesting 10-plus hours of Super Bowl coverage forces you to act like an anaconda: Just unhinge your jaws, swallow your prey and try not to be too conscious of your distended, distorted body.
The S’Grammars were the most notorious of New York City’s early 1960’s poetry gangs, and handed out pounding beats to any struggling author foolish enough to get in their way.
Considering how beautiful and wonderful boobies really are is it any wonder that most ornithologists are young adolescent males between 12-35?
Unable to sleep due to an ever increasing level of anxiety, Andrew sat alone in the dark watching late night reruns of Smalleville wondering all the while what had become of his life…the dreaded midlife crisis had hit him hard and with a vengeance, maybe it wasn’t too late to consider a career change.
It may be a somewhat sad commentary on the state of my life; but today, my day off, sleeping late, sitting on the sofa in my pj’s, sluglike, eating ‘nilla wafers and drinking a whole pot of freshly brewed tea feels to me like The Best Day, Ever!
No, as a matter of fact, I didn’t daydream the entire morning away; if I’m not mistaken, there are a good eight minutes left.
Jeez…don’t just do something, stand there!
Br. Ezra fully realizing how much fun and how absolutely addicting Scrining is expressed gratitude that he currently works from home and his boss, thousands of miles away, could not sneak up behind him and catch him in the act.
It never fails that traffic is always jammed up on the day I wash a huge bran muffin down with a strong cup of black coffee; naturally the peanuts and fruit I ate over the weekend were not going to be outplayed either
I believe a nap is in order.
It’s a lip balm, it is full of hazelnut paste and various nut oils, it smells like the coffeehouse across the street from Bunni’s apartment, and it is exactly what I need to get home in 9F (-2F with the wind chill) weather.
Dealing with Janice was like rescuing sand from the beach—never-ending and useless.
“Woman,” Henry told his wife, “you’re disrupting some important work in zero momentum time travel with that racket, now stop vacuuming and get away from my chair.”
Juan was distracted from his nap by the spidery whatsitcalled thingie drifting around under his eyelid which appeared to be dancing.
Someone once told me that getting a divorce is like trying to separate the layers of plywood, you can’t pull it apart without each of the layers leaving pieces of itself permanently on the other.
Why is it when I’ve had a table fall on my head, people presume that I did something to provoke it?
I’ll tell you what - you pretend you’re not staring at my nervous tick and I’ll pretend I’m not staring at your chest, and if we can agree to that, we might just make it through this interview.
Why don’t we have inbuilt board games or radio stations?
Before the breakup, she used to wear the security of his love like a warm winter coat, easy, comfortable, and effortless; now that they’re back together, it feels more like a silk shawl, forever (in her mind) slipping off her shoulders if she moves this way or that, needing to be clutched tightly around her for fear of losing it and again being exposed to the cold.
with camera in hand, Robert surveyed the remains of his living room and saw nothing but a blank canvas on which to paint his next masterpiece.
hurtling through space and time like the crew of the Starship Enterprise, Lucas admired his own handiwork in assembling what had to be the most complete cockpit of home electronics that a home office could employ.
Jill, in response to her professor’s inquiry regarding her non-use of capital letters, stated rather matter of factly, “my parents bought a communist computer and it doesn’t allow for capitals because that would make some letters more important than the others; all letters, regardless of their position, are part of the sentence, right?”
In searching for the cause of her dizzyness, doctors soon found that she wasn’t the dizzy one; it was actually the earth that spun faster under her feet.
While she was happy to be exploring the new neighborhood of meatless meals, she kept her gaze resolutely averted from the road ahead … the boulevard of tofu.
I am trying to figure out how I should Scrine…as a completely anonymous entity or as if all friends, family, co-workers & lovers past, present, and future are reading them over my shoulder as I write.
The Phantom of the Opera winced as he tightened his belt, biting back hard on bitterness he felt toward the unfortunate accident that required he wear a truss before performing each night.
Thinking of Hysteruim throwing out the ruined books, all of those lovely words, well turned phrases, brilliant ideas…. uselessly languishing in a filthy landfill just pains the imagination.
Jess only killed dentists, because the way he figured it, if he was ever caught, finding a sympathetic jury would be a cinch.
Just because I have huge black circles around my eyes is no reason to call me “Rocky Raccoon.”
Just because I can do this job in my sleep doesn’t mean I should do it in my sleep.
As inspired by: heather's How do YOU Scrine?
Just for Scrine, I wrote this sentence naked as a jay bird.
As inspired by: 'mouse's The naked truth
I thought I’d write this Scrine naked right up to my knees.
Is it silly to miss a collection of letters?
Stop breathing - you know you don’t need oxygen.
Unlike their beautiful cousins the sea dragons, these beautiful creatures are built of the passion in your heart as you gaze at the cloud-streaked sky.
As inspired by: 'mouse's The naked truth
sometimes, as i sit Scrining before my computer screen in my comfy pajamas, hair resembling something akin to the style of albert einstein or any number of anime characters, i wonder about the insane numbers of people sitting before their computer screens in their chosen state of dress (or undress), their hair in every style and angle imaginable, and what porn sites they’re visiting.
Scriners love the lonely sentences,
all the sentences ever wrote
long and short, good and bad,
they’re all precious to be had
Scriners love the lonely sentences of the world.
(sung to the tune of “Jesus Loves the Little Children”)
It would be some time before Josh realized that the dead porcupine he saw on the side of the road that morning marked the beginning of the end.
Naked truth would be advised to wear a sweater in northern climates, in case of sudden inclement bare-faced lies.
“I quit; my hearse days are behind me,” Gene told the director, not realizing the irony of what he’d just said until it was too late.
Keith is dead on about the fact that Scrine doesn’t function as well in IE as it does in Firefox; I’d ask my workplace to make the switch immediately, but I don’t think they’d look kindly on my motive for the request.
They called him Jukebox McGill, not just for his unwholesome ability to recall the words to every Dan Fogelberg song ever recorded, but because he had a propensity for bursting into song in the back of dark, seedy bars.
Zach was amazed to find that no one had bid on his complete collection of mint condition action figures, whereas, the bid was nearing the $10,000 mark for his ripped and beer-stained copy of “The Drunken Adventures of Mint and Julep”.
The devil appeared to me in the form of Placido Domingo as I rode the elevator from my penthouse to the basement garage and fortunately, to my relief, he was not interested in my soul but only wished to know if I knew where he could get a sublime chimichanga for lunch…he offered to buy.
Shifting all her eggs in the basket to the other arm, she changed to a horse of a different color midstream, and the bridge burned hot and bright behind her.
Bill’s decision to dump his Chinese girlfriend was not racist in any way, as many would argue, rather he found himself horny an hour after they had sex and at his age once a night was often more than he could handle, even with the viagra perscription
Attention Fundamentalists: The entrance requirements for Heaven have been adjusted please report to the cafeteria with your #2 pencil and scantron form where we are currently administing the Heavenly Aptitude Test (HAP), we will not be using the bell curve.
There once was a man from Venus who had a rather large…er..well..uh..nose and that nose…well… that nose, that magnificantly large nose was long enough to land a DC-10.
The air is so thick it feels like it’ll rain inside too.
“Anytime you have a large number of people working for you, you have to be sensitive to these kinds of situations and not let the situation get to where this situation has got.”
So, rising early I walked outside to be greeted by the cry of a caterwauling cat, the harrumphing of hungry horses, the chirping of a cheery cockateil and the backfoot belting of a bunny yet looking around I couldn’t see a single preschooler and lamented an educational opportunity missed.
As inspired by: e's earth to spacebroad
We regret to inform you that following your recent hit and run incident you have lost your right to use the English language and we shall be canceling your license forthwith.
Birds zotted past like stars, in the wind.
I’ll have you know my run-in with the juggler union was nothing more than a little misunderstanding.
after hurting himself in his attempt to prove that he was better than the average human, Larry decided that putting your pants on one leg at a time was a good idea.
Job’s annual storm of red lights, old ladies walking chihuahau’s slowly through crosswalks, and cars driving well below the speed limit arrived early this year.