As inspired by: 'mouse's Looking forward to the visit by the IRS
the longer i stare at scrine, the harder it stares back at me.
One time I dated a blind woman, and what I did was crouch down really low every time I talked to her for the first few months, just so I could be sure she wasn’t after me for for my height.
The Internet prototype was constructed entirely of brick and was covered by a thick wall of ivy; it looked nice but was hugely inefficient at conveying information, although the inventors did discover that they could hide a ton of porn behind the ivy leaves.
The limbs of lilmear tree shivered at the stranger’s approach.
water, water, everywhere and not a restroom in sight.
Do Scrine sentences count towards my NaNoWriMo wordcount?
“And let us remember Keith for the fine corn chip breakfasts he so often….”
From here, this:
Thaddeus had been adding small amounts of feces to his food all year, slowly building up his tolerance of the taste for the Christmas meal at Great Aunt Hilga’s.
Having survived a near-death experience when young, on dieing at the age of 89 Arty considered he’d had a fair innings and led a good life but, having whispered overly loudly to the person next to him at the Pearly Gates “blimey, St Peter’s put on weight since last I saw him”, would spend the rest of his days with the devil.
This was a curious software update message I recently received: [REMOVED] TextMate no longer pays tribute to human sacrifices, rape, nor does it show a picture of the God of the deaths in your dock—ticket 945BEB5D
And the gentle rain fell over Silicon Valley, washing bird shit from windshields everywhere.
Juan was unable to eat a banana without first answering it like a telephone.
And the steady rain fell out of dark Oregon skies, the ground everywhere rushing up to meet it with open arms, leaving the people caught between the two unsure of where to step next.
Young Nathan took another swallow of water before glumly accepting the open envelope proffered by his mother; he wondered if he could supplement his allowance by hiring himself out to any neighbors who really hated the taste of glue.
“I once thought I had the boogie fever,” yelled Bob in the direction of his gyrating companion, the sound of his voice lost to the thumping bass, “but the doctor gave me the news - it was just a bad case of loving you.”
It’s difficult to maintain a bad mood when your path is being lined with little, purple, scented petals.
As inspired by: Keith's Superhero Superhair
“Oh my yes, Needs No Comb Lad, unruliness isn’t just fun, it’s life-saving; the time we save not preening our Super-Hair is time enough to save the world.”
I think my cat is jealous of all things gadgety (or it could just be anything that appears on my lap).
Enough with the empty skies and threatening dark clouds, just rain damn you!
“Would you like some help carrying that emotional baggage out to the car,” Joel sneered, rubbing his bruised ego, “I sure as hell don’t want it lying around here where it will trip me up again and again.”
Far off in the distance on very dark nights, I will sometimes catch the glint of the satellite that circles my waistline, moving across the sky.
Inspired by Boot
When she was little, Adelheid Amalie Luise Therese Caroline dreamed she would one day be queen.
Sure, of course, it makes sense that it’s not being personal, but it feels that way every damn time.
an old beau, who lived above a garage in a clapboard apartment in an alley behind something i remember not what, had a huge flowering jacaranda tree outside the window, along with a flowering of hot and cold running girls of which, i fear, i was one, at least until i figured it out.
for e
It’s always about the stories.
i shot the first shot in the war of words, which i am sure will come back to shoot me in the foot or at least slap me across the face with a wet noodle.
Every time I put the expensive crystal up on the top shelf in the cabinet (with no safety latch), and every time I walk by the antique china hutch which isn’t strapped to the wall I think, “I could do a hell of a lot of earthquate-proofing that’d do a lot of good in the event of The Big One,” and then I think, “Nah, if Mother Nature’s gonna go to the trouble to shake things up, the least I can do is let the crystal, and everything else, fall where it may.”
Thaddeus Thimble, the parson’s son, would taunt his father just for fun, squirming and farting, making horrible faces, disrupting sermons and, of course, God’s good graces.
The harshest punishments of all, and the ones most creative in cruel and ironic ways (my roundtable would discuss them and we might even have public contests for input), would be reserved for hypocrites.
At first he thought it was some kind of joke, but then the Honorable Neville Stanford, who had just donned his new black robe for the first time, began to suspect that the strange bible he found tucked in the back of his new desk was actually the word of god—the true, secret word of god—for it spoke directly to him, beginning, “Y’know, all those rules and divine laws and punishments and stuff you’ve been hearing about since you were a child, well, forget them, they don’t apply to you, The Chosen, the rich, the white male Republicans…”
While Keith goes for 50,000 words, I think I’ll set my goals a little lower.
God is change.
When looking to locate people who owe my clients money, one of the tools I use is the Federal Prison Inmate Locator; still, it’s always a surprise when the person I’m looking for pops up as a guest of the US Government.
Where’s my gravel?
As inspired by: 'mouse's Spreadsheet humor
If ‘mouse could only see the spreadsheet they’ve given (back) to me to work on, with its figures now so nuanced as to cease to resemble what anyone actually submitted, and the squares, randomly color-coded in every hue, that indistinctly denote the degrees to which the work has ventured into the realm of fiction - if he could see this, oh, how he would surely laugh until he cried, as I did.
If ever there was a day when I needed to be able to open a trap door under the desk and escape through a secret tunnel, it’s today.
Henry wasn’t sure what to think when the Apple Valley Liars Club president welcomed him to the club.
Where’s my gravel?
The first humans were much juicier.
One time I dated a blind woman, and what I did was crouch down really low every time I talked to her for the first few months, just so I could be sure she wasn’t after me for for my height.
It wasn’t the drink that made me do it, it was the it that made me drink.
Flapping his short arms like the instructions showed, Peter was able to rise nearly a foot off the ground before his mother came into his room and put a stop to it.
“What with one thing and another,” said Amador to the griffin (which was still holding the sagging kite string in its beak with simple dignity), “I haven’t been around to take you to the commons - and for that, I am very sorry.”
I don’t mind being little and living in a post office box, although sometimes I do wish the tiny neighbors in box 13402 would stop pushing all their junk mail out the slot without a second thought, because it’s starting to pile up around my keyhole.
Muriel kept only one diary during her married life, but shredded the pages after only a few months, thinking, they say you can’t take it with you, but I’ll be damned if I leave it behind, either.
Dennis would later be recounted by neighbours to the enthused media pack as “a quiet man; kept to himself mostly; wouldn’t hurt a fly” which only served to make his unprovoked trampling of Ethel’s flower garden all the more perplexing.
Here’s a sentence to help me always remember 2006 as the year the state cleaned out my checking account three times just as I was about to make a house payment; and apparently, just as I was about to start working on a strongly worded manifesto.
Amperdextrous: (adj) able to make the ‘&’ symbol with either hand.
If you’re ever in a situation where you cannot see the forest for the trees, at least you’re in a nice place geographically.
Last night I dreamt I was a rooster stuck in a Dustbuster—work that one out, Dr Freud!
I cry more in my dream life than I do in my awake life, but before you begin your analysis, please keep in mind that in a dream I once fought a dinosaur armed only with a giant pencil, and that while I haven’t yet done this in real life, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m not ready to.
I was almost run over by three different cars yesterday—almost!
For National Novel Scrining Month, let’s all write novels one sentence at a time.
(I suppose all novels are written that way, but you know what I mean).
Today’s teardrops are tomorrow’s rainbows.
There s a great deal to be said about the humble cabbage, but I’m not going to say it right now.
It wasn’t that the bread couldn’t rise; it’s just that it had no inclination to do so that early on a Sunday.
I believe my life might be zingier and more full of fast action and oh-so-witty people if only I had the right marketing catchphrase.
These turtles are making me bubble.
tonight i thought about just driving off into the sunset. then i thought about how much it would cost.
There’s not much you can say to a tree once it loses its leaves.
I sure hope the meaning of life has something to do with wasting time.
To Muriel’s surprise, the chihuahua mix she adopted was not inclined to be a lap dog; on the rare occasion when it craved human company at all, it preferred to lie on a person’s foot - a fact which sometimes made walking a little difficult.
Rather than waste his energy fighting the donut banditos, Roger bought larger pants and rode out in search of the legendary gang.
I wish Wal-Mart would start selling elephants, because I just can’t afford that two-pack down at Costco.
A fictitious creature which, if it existed, would exist solely to remove the small, left over pieces of noodle which become encrusted in the strainer overnight.
Speak to me only with thine eyes, and I - I will get my ears checked, ‘cause damn, it’s suddenly very quiet around here.
There are some zombies with eating disorders, but not many.
It’s really too bad there’s no American Oregano Growers’ Council, because they could use the snappy slogan Oregayes!
Man, that sunset is grand tonight.
As inspired by: Jo's Look! Look!
Sure, sure, they knew they worked in a rat-race and that their cubicles were nothing more than rat-holes, but did the powers that be really need to turn the entrance into the building into an actual rat maze?
As inspired by: darksteve's Noodle Imp
I always suspected the noodles of engaging in illicit midnight fun.
Benjamin and Randolph took turns staring at the sun.
I just wish I knew the name of the first one-armed man.
As a sign of their commitment to one another, Tim and Tom exchanged vowels.
Things only got worse for Stephen when the monkey found the game closet.
Oh my various gods!
Boffo sounds violent, but probably isn’t (unlike nutting someone, which most definitely is).
I just walked a long way in that dream.
“A cold front is headed our way and pushing some showers and possible storms ahead of it: with rain chances running as high as 70% and mostly cloudy skies, highs will only reach to near 80.”
I vow to quit procrastinating tomorrow.
The Rain & Storm Club was called to order with a thunderous clap.
As inspired by e’s autumn comes to florida
“Today’s weather will be partly cloudy, with a chance of showers later in the day, highs in the mid 70’s, and a thick morning fog making it tough to see the other drivers flipping you off.”
A customer calls to warn me that Silver Creek has risen during the night and my tractor is now sitting in six inches of water and rising fast and maybe I better hurry.
As inspired by: Keith's autumn comes to oregon’s willamette valley
Yeah, I got your autumn right here, pal.
To romanticize your own failures, say things like my wheels are spinning and silly me.
As inspired by: bakerina's Autumn comes to New York City
Becky frolicked with her favorite wallaby among the rainbows and lollypops while in the distance the sound of automatic gunfire pronounced Ms. Jane’s opinion of the season.
They asked “do you want to try electronic voting?” and I said “absolutely, I’ve always wanted to live in a machine state run by ultra-fascist overlords.”
“Do you think for governor we should vote for the guy who’s gonna win so we can at least feel like winners on one throwaway category, or do you wanna vote for the other guy so we can say, ‘Hey, I didn’t vote for that jerk’ for the next four years?”
“There’s just no way you’ll become a feared evil genius if you’re going to insist on bringing that damn rabbit to our meetings” scoffed the very orthodox F.E.G. Society president Dr. Bergstrom, absent-mindedly petting the white feline in his lap.
I am no longer pure.
In the 9th corner of the office, the chameleonic Becky giggled purple bees as she watched ‘mouse inspect his brand new, slender, long and, above all, wiggly little toes.
Only a select few in Senator Farkins inner circle knew of his electile dysfunction troubles.
“Uh-oh, it’s going to rain all week,” she said, upon seeing her online weather forecast and not realizing her father had forgotten to change her home-weather screen from Washington to California for the entire past year.
You never want to get between a diplodicus and his fronds, teeth or no teeth.
No one says “checking out” without meaning some sort of death, do they, and yet, I used to check out women and library books, but not in the same way, of course.
My boss’s demeanor is decidedly chilly; coworkers take their morning walks without inviting me; my phone calls are never returned; my best ballpoint pens have grown legs and walked away; all of this signals the fact that I have some bad workplace karma on my soul.
a. weeping bags the size of texas under my right eye; b. slight soreness/tenderness on the right side of my neck; c. health insurance that kicks in in january; ergo:
My newest business endeavor, Pigeon’r is a lot like Flick’r, offering free storage for up to 1000 of your digital photos, and for only $14.95 per month, you can upgrade to a Baboon’r* account, capable of storing up to 5,000 images.
*Baboons not available in all areas. Local baboon restrictions may apply.
I poked my eyes out, but Nathan just kept on singing.
I once accepted a batch of chocolate-chip meringue cookies in exchange for a pretty young woman’s virginity.