You’d think the word thrombotic would have something to do with robots, or at least trombones (Man, that cat is thrombotic on that horn!) , but no, it’s just another one of those fancy doctor words about the body falling apart.
...you download 238 messages from one of your mailing lists and they are all about the meaning of the word “uber”....and you are tempted to read them.
On a beautiful day like this it’s the law; one must go outside and roll around on the grass.
You know the cosmos are out to get you when 5 things happen at once that are so unlikely, you might as well just go out and tempt fate because it doesn’t seem to matter.
Standing ankle deep in the bills, he sometimes thought, “Duck slaughterhouse, which seemed both funny and sad, just like his floor.
The only thing better than a big plate of migas on a Saturday morning is a big plate of migas cooked by somebody else (although only qualified individuals should be allowed to cook said migas).
After exhausting all possible options (after all, his hands were chained quite securely to the rusty pipes behind his back), James reluctantly accepted the fact that he was not going to be able to perform his ritual evening tooth-scrubbing; resigning himself to the risk of gum disease, he shivered into a fitful sleep and dreamt of down comforters and gingivitis.
Walter enjoyed the quiet and solitude of his bedsit so much that he soon found himself telling his wife lavish, work-related lies just so he could spend the additional nights sitting alone in the dark.
Henry was delighted to hear that the circus would be spending some time at his house, but of course, this was before he realized that it was the flea circus.
It saddens me to think that in solitude most find only loneliness.
I’m always surprised how long a jar of stardust lasts.
A family friend (the one I share a name with but, as my parents awkwardly say, was not named after) told us about a friend of hers who, as she began to grow older, created a section of her attic filled things that should be destroyed upon her death; it sounds like a practical idea, but (if I am destined to produce offspring) I would not trust any child of mine not to go nosing about in boxes marked “do not open”.
“I coulda done without the women and the heartbreak, the drinkin’ and time on the road, and hell, even the music, I guess,” Skinny Leg Willie often told reporters near the end of his long blues career, “but damned if I coulda gone a day without my Mississippi string tie; no siree, nothin’ looks sharper than a man in his Mississippi string tie.”
once you’ve slit open innocent chicken breasts, stuffed them with rosemary and thyme, sewn them back together, breaded and fried them: what else is there?
The older I get, the more I—
Most times children screaming and splashing it the waves is sweet, but sometimes you find yourself fantasizing about sharks and tsunami waves.
Although Bronwyn had little nostalgia for the 1970’s, and even less nostalgia for childhood in the 1970’s, she still had moments—today on the way to work, for example—where she would have willingly given up every hard-won prize and privilege of adulthood for the opportunity to lie in bed at midnight, listening to a New York station play “Strange Magic” by ELO, the AM radio dial glowing in the dark.
They filter through the gate like trees picked clean of fruit, unsure of what comes next.
Joplin’s rags may be great, but Solace is the piece that truly makes him a great composer—its simplicity and space allow even amateur pianists like myself to let my hands do the work while my mind just feels like it’s going home.
It’s perfect.
“I’ll tell you what human prayer is like,” God told me over breakfast one morning, “it’s like… well, let’s put it this way… have you ever had fleas take over your house, jumping out of the carpet and biting your ankles no matter where you go until you think you’re about to go out of your mind with the itching…. well, that’s how my eardrums feel when humans pray.
here, the shuttle didn’t blow up yet, that’s always good for something; how did you spend your day?
As the words tumbled out of Rosie’s head in a seemingly creative manner, she wondered if this morning she had accidentally woken up with the brain of another.
As inspired by: silly green hard hats
“Nice hat,” said boot’s co-worker as he walked past her desk.
At first, Henry thought it was kind of cute that the opposums started sneaking in to watch television late at night, and didn’t even mind so much about the big, greasy stain they always left on the couch (they were, after all, opposums, although he did find himself wishing that they’d wipe down the remote before they left, which they never did), but that was before he’d gotten his telephone bill (who would have guessed opposums made phone calls?), or before he’d discovered that the stinking rascals had been drinking up all his soda, which he was beginning to suspect had been their motive all along.
this afternoon, i’ve noticed that my for-granted good karma is suspiciously absent, perhaps lying crouched in wait, and i think about all the things i should have said, all the attention that should have been lavished upon it, this good luck that came upon me with no warning and no demand; my faith extends far enough to know that it is not yet dead, but that a little CPR might come in handy after so much neglect: the layer of dust that sits on top of it is thick, the gears are rusty, i hear it mutter, ‘oil can…oil can’.
It becomes a matter of wanting it to be done already, rather than the fact of actually doing, which is sort of the point in the first place.
How is it that a whole corporation overlooks the fact that I’m 17 years old and sends me an AARP card….could it be that I need to act younger?
And sometimes it seems to be nothing more than a random gathering of words.
either that or Keith isn’t sleeping, leaping normal active time zones in a single bound, and maybe he really is more than just a newsboy…
“Obligation,” with that “BLI” in its inception, is at least a little more interesting as a word than “responsibility,” which is simply too difficult on the tongue through the middle.
As the young woman picked up her daughter and put her on her lap to allow Boot a seat on the over-crowded train, Boot thought “how lovely, I just hope it isn’t because I look old”.
As I unceremoniously shove shredded cheese from an economy size bag into little ziplock baggets, if you will, I am suddenly very grateful of my faithful dog’s Built-In Cleaning nature.
Pirates are yummy, especially when sprinkled in paprika.
If the best things in life are free, then why does beer cost so much?
I’ve got an idea for the next James Bond movie: instead of the villian threatening the safety of the world with nuclear weapons (that’s soooo Cold War) or the destruction of public landmarks, Mr Evil should wield his power by harnessing the power of the world’s cockroaches (giant roaches would be even better, because not even the all-powerful member nations of the UN Security Council have a shoe big enough to squash that shit); not only would he be unstoppable, but there could even be some new-age psychology thrown in, where he’s got a God complex but can’t seem to get the locusts to do his bidding.
Unexpected activities for this week; assesssing food for its ‘sogginess’ factor.
Faster than a speeding chicken,
More powerful than a clip-on-bow-tie,
Able to leap dual time-zones in a single sleep.
What the heck is that thingie (often a line from a poem) called that’s between the dedication page and the first chapter of a book?
As inspired by: 'mouse's Ungoogleable
You can be sure that 99 out of 100 men will not tell you that their “thingie” is the uvula.
I found an old map of the United States that my son had filled in as he’d practiced learning his states and capitals some time ago, noticing such strange places as Utaw and Pennsil…., Kanzes and the Dikotas, Ilinoys, Vergina, and Whioming, and thought that I wouldn’t mind visiting some of those places one day.
They’ve got too much time on their hands, sure…but It’s so cool!Wizards In Winter
As inspired by: Jo's Important!
I’ve decided I need to write myself a list of things that I can shout out loud and, hopefully, use to startle bystanders.
Bob wanted back all the time he had spent untangling filament-thin bracelets and necklaces for other people.
These days we attend more first birthdays than twenty-first, and while there’s usually far less drunkenness there seem to be about the same percentage of guests throwing up by the end of the party.
We named the cat something elegant while she was a kitten, and now she only answers to “Clod” or “Lardass.”
I’ll have my pirate with fruit.
and i will solve my own problems: seems i’d left my key over at netscape.
Known as the Scrine System, the concept of the one sentence limit was originally implemented during the short-lived Grammar War of ‘22 - a time when periods were in short supply and tightly rationed.
yet there was no one to high five after she finally made her way into scrinecast, podcast, in fact, the twenty-first century as a whole; and was confronted by the benevolent and inspiring voice of our lovely host (can i request an ‘aoooogah’?).
Armed with the knowledge that it was once again time for the Blogathon, Mr. Kumquat decided that buying fifty cases of Afri-Cola over the internet was completely justified after all.
If the ‘Mousechildren are raised on nothing but homemade apricot and blackberry and strawberry and kiwi jam (and paradise jelly and other Bakerina Kitchens products) will they turn out to be well rounded liberal Democrats, will they become obnoxious foodie snobs, or will they turn Republican and buy nothing but Smucker’s Grape Jelly?
This week’s manifestation of the underlying weirdness of the universe is two new clients, both named Vanessa.
Bob spent many a sleepless night, tossing and turning and wondering if he could have done anything on that day he saw Imaginary Keith fall in the well and left him there because he was late for his appointment for a haircut.
Tammy had the distinct feeling that her work was trying to subtly erase every last modicum of her personality, piece by piece, memo by memo, email by email.
As inspired by: The Search for Imaginary Keith
“IK, are you down there?” shouted Juan, as he lowered a rope of hope (with a bottle of beer tied at the end) down the well.
As the flea poison hissed from the cans and Keith frantically searched for his watch, breathing in what had to be impossible amounts of toxic gas, all I could think to say was, “You don’t need your watch because I can tell you what time it is - time to get out of here!”
How can you resist…well…see for yourself. The University of Metaphysical Sciences
When a movie is so bad you can’t even sit through it at three in the morning, that’s a really bad movie—I’m talking to you, Snakehead Terror!
There are those still moments, when you don’t even desire anything else.
the last great Prince enthusiast who parties like it’s 1999.
I’m looking for a woman who watches television; are you the one for me?
They say that, as a rule of thumb, health-conscious omnivores should not select food products that would perplex one’s great-great grandparents (were one somehow able to drive one’s ancestors to the supermarket); this notion would have made sense to Bob at the moment he paused in front of the Cheetos display, and distinctly heard in his internal ears the derisive shrieking of Ukranian fishwives.
Becky flickered softly in the corner, her many, many toes hovering a centimetre or so above the ground, and she scanned the crowd looking for someone a little bit ‘pooky’, another someone a little bit ‘soggy’ and, to complete the set, someone a little bit ‘nice’.
I’ll never meet a man wearing velco-strap shoes that I’ll like.
You can tell yourself you’re not hoping, that logically you realise the chance of things working out are infinitesimally small, that it’s just silly to even think about remote possibilities, but when the final straw is broken and the last dash of hope is erased, you realise all of that was just fooling yourself and that the groaning sound you can hear is the final crack appearing in your broken heart.
I never expected that my polite invitation would cause all of the villagers to stop by the house for dinner on the same night, and I certainly couldn’t have predicted their simple refusal to eat off of paper plates; I do believe I’ll be washing dishes all night!
Before you leave, you have to grapple with the possibility that it disappears completely, never to be seen again.
“I saw this show last night on serial killers,” he says to me casually across the bar, “and of course I thought of you.”
Keith is proud to announce the opening of The Last Lemming Latte Stop Starbuck’s Franchise perched precariously cliffside.
“I’m the most optimistic pessimist I know,” Bob said to the bartender.
“As long as you’re in there,” said Bob, “could you look for my sense of humor?”
Eating chipmunks is an extremely healthy lifestyle choice, because think about it, you know how much exercise you get just trying to catch one of those things?
Friends don’t let friends blog on Typepad.
As inspired by: too much coffe and the company of grudknows
Nothing to say really, just felt the need to go “bonza, mate”.
Join me, Imaginary Keith, the ghost in the pickle jar, a handful of Mr. Cooper’s bones, the village constable, a host of giants, a couple of drunks, and, I’m happy to say (just confirmed it on the phone), God himself, as the lot of us settle into a 24 hour tale of nonsense that Ralph Nader has already claimed to be, “fraught with more peril than a horny teenage boy behind the wheel of a ‘61 Corvair.”
I’ve heard you should always brace for final impact, but then, I’ve also heard that my grandpa’s life was spared when he tumbled down the basement stairs (again) too drunk and limber to know any better, which brings me to my point - I’m ready!
Pain is a tangible substance and serves two purposes: to protect us, and to serve as a constant reminder that we are alive, for the time being.
Do you ever think about that girl in fifth grade who could touch her elbows to the floor without bending her knees, because I know I sure do.
As inspired by: Jo's On Pain
“I’m upright and I’m breathing - anything else is just a bonus.”
National Geographic has a sensational story right now about a paralyzed man who, with the help of some sensors implanted into his brain, was able to move things using only the power of thought, which made me think, Keith, if you were paralyzed, what would you do with your new powers?, which turns out, is just about what this man did with his: check email, turn up the volume on the t.v., and have a robot arm get me some candy.
I wonder if it would be possible to commit suicide by a fatal overdose of chocolate.
Once the jury heard that Juan choked Allen to death after Allen casually bragged he’d written a computer virus there was no way Juan was going to be convicted of anything beyond Justifiable Insecticide.
As inspired by: Jo's On Pain
After three straight days at the magickingdom, three straight days of letting the seven-year-old make the intinerary, three straight days of sleeping in a hotel bed, three straight days of ethnic and cultural diversity; only John Lee Hooker and Muddy Waters can help me now, help me to stand proudly and say, ‘I am not as young as I used to be’.
Prudence realized, in the short time it took to leap into the dumpster behind the sushi bar, that there are, in fact, fates worse than being devoured by wild dogs.
Gritting his teeth, Juan told himself, Don’t say it, just don’t say, “This day can’t get any worse,” you know what happened when Job did that.
Criminal lawyers refer to the fees you pay them as “stupidity tax.”
Controversy often hides in the most unlikely of places.
You wouldn’t think you could get yourself kicked out of Blogathon, but the way it turns out, it’s really quite simple.
There’s gotta be something better out there than a pureed chicken salad sandwich.
I’ll admit that I often choose friends who end up hurting me, but I didn’t have any choice about my mother.
Everyone should have a friend they can call up at 4:45pm on a Friday night and say, “Come over right now and bring Guinness,” and they do.
It is possible to turn minutes into days, hours into weeks and days into forever, simply by waiting for news of a dear friend undergoing surgery to have the aneurysm in her brain clipped.
I’m not saying I’m part monkey, but when I’m vacuuming, I can move things around with my toes like nobody’s business.
We’ve caught a glimpse of the exotic creature in motion!
Is it really so much to ask that after having fun at Coney Island all day- after riding the Wonder Wheel and the Cyclone, drinking beer, eating hotdogs, listening to the Scissor Sisters and The Stills, dancing for three hours- that I should be able to get onto the F train and not be laughed at to my face for ten minutes just because there is absolutely no way in hell you will ever see the living definition of perfection which is my breasts?
hey, this is cool, they used one of my pictures!
I’ll have to remember this one—from bad to worse to fan-fucking-tastic.
After years of searching flea markets and curiousity shops, Henry finally came upon Paul Bunyan’s famous cast iron skillet, which Henry planned on using to fry up life’s bigger fish.
I hope the person who found my webpage by googling “how to make money selling porn” is not too terribly disappointed.