I find it sad that the only reference made to star wars that I hear anymore is that of one Admiral Ackbar; I cannot tell you how many times I hear: “It’s a Trap!!!” in a week.
Forgetting what he knew about behaving in public, the item Buddy bought his lady love for their anniversary set the restaurant all agog.
When camping for any length of time with an overly sensitive companion, you may be tempted to use the word skunky to describe their odor, but for the sake of harmony and a good night’s sleep, it is best to stick with musky.
I came here this morning to create art, but when I looked inside myself for a sentence all I got was a low buzzing noise and a visual image of the late-night, after-the-television goes off-air test pattern.
Oh rude, mannerless zombies, can’t you just once pretend to enjoy my mother’s tea?
It was just then that I realized why I really like my training partner, who refereed to himself as “Ben-o,” he always smiled, was completely engaged in the conversation, and, best of all, when we found some downtime, he pulled out a go board, and, under the assumption that I didn’t know how to play the culturally obscure game, let me go first, and thoroughly trounce him.
Every time Henry sat down at the head of the long conference table with his associates who had flown in from Australia, he couldn’t help but think of that one picture his son had shown him years ago now, leading his business partners to believe that they were more entertaining then they actually were.
Beer O’Clock had arrived and all of Rosie’s friends were busy being sensible, practical and unavailable.
I can hear the call of beer o’clock approaching and tags in quick posts may be something worth celebrating with a cold one.
By looking at this picture, you enter yourself into a non-verbal agreement which states that you will buy me one.
“It would be awesome to make that first big move if I was in a suit,” I told myself, putting it off another day.
Fizz of white noise, flickering sizzle of the empty waves, the ocean swells - some big band tune skulking in the dank summer evening air pounces with a crack of life in trumpet solo, conjured there, made real by the radio knob, then, as quickly as it came, fades back into the surf, and say we become the static on the am dial, bleating big band brass for mouths, roaring tympani for blood in our veins, and we dwindle off into the sea because our god(s) are looking for the game in the fourteen hundreds.
It was just then that I realized why I didn’t like my training partner, who refereed to himself as “Ben-o,” he always smiled, was completely engaged in the conversation, and, worst of all, when the passage: “as you walk towards your vehicle, scan beneath the vehicle for persons waiting to charge at your ankles,” he nodded, understanding, and I began to laugh.
Everyone needs stuff.
Teenage Juanita complained about her father’s use of the “pointer trails” option on his computer and she was even less amused when he responded “I like it; reminds me of LSD.”
Having gotten dressed in the dark, Juan first learned that his wife had bought him boxers with cute little yellow duckies when he stripped down in the locker room in front of the guys for Thursday night basketball and was treated to full visual effects of six friends in full ROFLMAO mode.
Sure he had time on his hands, Bob thought, but it was a cold night and he would have preferred gloves.
Neil didn’t appreciate the sound of his wife’s snores; the dog, disturbed mostly by the thought of Neil scowling in the dark, passed some gas to help get his master back on track.
“My hope is to be reborn as a romantic Oklahoma twister,” Timmy told the counselor, “just going from town to town, swirling the girls away one right after the other.”
I’ll keep my wallet in my front pocket to avoid back pain, but I draw the line at carrying a murse.
The censors didn’t block it as obscenity until ducks got involved.
I can’t say that the Amazing Scrine Music Collection is better than sex in any given six-minute period, but If I had to give up one or the other ‘mrs. ‘mouse would be singing “Sisters are Doin’ it for Themselves.”
People are so thoughtful mused Little Bear as he removed the top from the third in the neat row of beehives someone had placed along the edge of his field of wildflowers.
Ironically, the cow was dreaming of global warming when she reached her own tipping point.
The only thing weird about dropping her film off for development was that she wasn’t developing this one at home herself.
“I wish that my fruit tree would grow a pear,” I thought as I sat next to my lady on the couch, thinking about… fruit.
The only way to learn something is to admit that you know absolutely nothing.
Cratos went flying through the air, attached to blades which were severed into the claws of a water horse, which Posiden was riding.
Joel, who was a loner and hated company more than anything, named his child “Misery” hoping she’d turn out different.
On World Peace & Pie Day, everyone put down their weapons and set aside their differences and grievances to enjoy a slice of their favorite pie and contemplate a better world; fork fights, however, did break out in most of the world’s hot spots.
“Facebook: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy… unless it is eBay/Paypal.”
Dwelve is not a participial form of the word dwell, and as learned in last week’s lecture, is certainly not the collective noun for elves, which, you might recall, can never be expressed singularly as elve.
Thanks for untying her bikini top, ‘mouse.
Hardly a day went by without some musician stopping by the house to tune his guitar to the sound of Henry’s heart.
John always moped about on Fettuccine alfredo day, not because he didn’t like the white sauce, but because he felt that alfredo was a sad word akin to that which people would wail to the sky when someone passed on.
John often thought about those footprints on the moon, and about how he believed that, when no one was looking, they’d trundle off somewhere in defiance of the whole “never changing” bit.
When my daughter’s best friend pronounced my smoked babyback ribs “The Best Thing I’ve Ever Eaten!” I must confess, ‘mouse purred.
I know that “advogados” refers to my attorneys in Brazil, but I still can’t keep from imagining that tasty green fruits are somehow involved.
Though they never spoke of it now, Fender and his college buddies once started a band that formed dramatically but practiced sporadically, and was delivered a mercy killing at its very first gig.
For the third time in as many months, Fender was invited to join another of those ironically sincere hipster bands - the kind where the guys wore short beards and nerd glasses and the girls wore thrift store calico, and the group’s sound amounted to retooled 70s album rock purloined from their parents.
Col. Mustard did it in the library with his flatulence.
The only thing that keeps me from committing suicide are the Catholic horror stories I heard as a child, but I don’t believe the rest of their fairy tales.
Most days I regret marrying a Bowflex model, but then her ass looks so great in Lycra I just grin and deal with it.
Devon kissed the tops of Jenny’s exposed breasts with gentle aplomb and walked out the door.
Andy merrily shredded his bible in his shiny new Dadaist machine.
You know that the woman who just walked by has heels that are way to big on if you can hear them through your noise canceling headphones.
Long before he reached the pet door on stiff, rheumy legs, Towser could already tell the storm had picked up strength; he took a moment to weigh inconvenience against the pain of derision before turning toward to the kitchen rug with a sigh.
A huge earthquake rocked the car and then hurricane-force winds buffeted the poor vehicle as shattered limbs blew dangerously past, and then my wife finished rolling over and the waterbed returned to peaceful repose.
Coffee was never given to the babies, but they were welcome to pour themselves a cup if they could reach the pot.
Jon’s French maid told him he was a sex addict, but that didn’t stop her from enjoying the random spanking with the feather duster on Tuesday afternoons.
It’s spring and the parks are bare: could someone please tell me where the goat footed balloon man of ee cummings has run off to - is it somewhere far and wee?
It’s spring and could someone please tell me where the goat footed balloon man of e.e. cummings has run away to?
The gods are not immortal living only as long as the span of one man’s dream
Jill squatted in a burned out warehouse with a group of rangy skate punks waiting for the world to end.
If you remember the 60’s then you weren’t there.
From the large explosions and surprised yells, Mr. Johnson deduced the neighborhood boy had learned another lesson in firework safety.
Sure he could he eat a hundred eclairs by the deadline, but did he really want automatic Bavarian citizenship?
It heaved and it flowed, it pulsed and it was red, it sparked and it ebbed.
Abraham Jones learned so much more about marine biology whilst her face was placed firmly against the keyboard, lips on the space bar, mind in the ocean, wearing nothing but fishnets, swimming in coral reefs with cetaceans, with only one breath, singing with crabs and jellyfish, then when it’s just the textbook open.
2001 A Space Odyssey always scared Becky, especially on a Sunday morning, waking up to classical music, eating microwaveable radioactive soup, vitamin pills with a day’s worth of nutrition, text messaging information that clogs satellite telecommunication systems daily…and then she realized, “Oh darn…it’s already 2010.”
She reached with her toe, gently tip-toeing the air for a limb until she found it letting her weight down with a careful ease, ‘crack!’ it went and she turned to stone, so still she’d fall all the twelve feet from her window to the ground but her fingers and arms were ice picks in an arctic wall, trying again having faith in the strong wooden arm that had carried her down so many times before, it accepts her and quickly she scurries down, hops to the ground and picks up her bag; the moon was half full and the breeze was cool.
Some types of poverty are so full of broken cars, mountainous piles of junk, and all manner of pets that you barely know it is happening.
Whenever Wesley got sick, he instantly blamed “last night,” which, in turn, made last night resent showing Wesley a good time, and vowed to get him back next time.
My new apartment is waterless, gasless, bereft of furniture, an empty shell waiting for history to be introduced; and I’m happy.
The scrine of last night was magnificent and beer-fueled; so it probably wasn’t.
You know the internet is dead when you encounter a picture of a man and a scorpion gettin’ it on: face in palm.
Guido T., esq. has the highest client-satisfaction ratings among all the divorce attorneys in the local legal community despite the fact that it seems an inordinate number of his cases never reach trial when the to-be-ex-spouse suddenly dies mid-case, obviating the need for a divorce.
Sometimes I like it when she nags incessantly for hours and hours because it feels so good when she finally shuts up.
Several thousand recipe books had to be recalled recently when they called for a “pinch of salt and ground black people, to taste.”
“Don’t ask me where I grew up,” said Michael, “I’m not finished yet.”
Read/watched The Internet; found it boring and without plot.
Once you get past their sluggish, lumbering move set, it is easy to see why Henry’s Hippos have taken home the gold three years running in the dance competition.
As inspired by: http://lolfed.com/2010/04/21/bailout-actually-worked/
“This must be some kind of automotive bizarro-world, where Chrysler is facing solvency, GM has repaid its debts to the US and Canada, Ford is the top US automaker, Toyotas are actively trying to murder their passengers, and shuttered dealerships across the country are re-opening.”
Eventually the whiskey cow became extinct, mostly on account of the men pushing past the calves to get to the teats.
That was such a great dream that he decided to live the day as if that dream was a continuation and to begin by quitting his job, to fall asleep that night to dream to see if there would be anything possibly more liberating.
Scruffy, Alfonzo and Roo could instantly tell that the new Bichon was a lady with a past.
Catching sight of colorful jelly beans falling outside her office window, Carrie suspected the last half-hour of Take Your Child To Work Day was fast devolving into a Lord of the Flies situation up in Human Resources.
Thank you to the scrine community for being a family for those sentences that the toil of time forgot.
Her super powers had not yet developed, but she realised that the late night construction thievery would have to stop.
As he read the paper, the chief noted that one of his residents had been arrested for throwing a juice box at her husband’s eye.
Carrying on the Braveheart ideologies caused me to yell “FREEDOM” over and over while being slowly disemboweled.
What’s another word for thesaurus?
A wise man once told me the most sportsman thing a man could do was to strip naked with 20 other dudes and try to take down a moose.
Based on my rescued St. Bernard’s extreme lack of brain cells, I’m pretty sure she grew up in a garage with access to lots of airplane glue, gasoline and sharpies.
She felt the silent stare of a shy boy, as he was about to perhaps ask how her day is going. This is to no surprise to her. So as a surprise to him, she picks her nose with her dainty pinky. That ought to do it.
No one can can like the French Can Can.
She knew she’d never be able pull the wooden stake from her purse fast enough, so she did her best to kill the vampire with cynicism.
Which came first, the needle or the pin?
Architecture is music made manifest.
Helplessly watching his boots as they slogged through the bracken of the primeval forest, Wolcroft fervently hoped the Butterfly Effect was just a fallacy.
No amount of orange pekoe tea, and no number of subsequent trips to the restroom, could postpone returning that phone call indefinitely.
The dog obviously had worms, Henry noted, but apparently not bad enough to attract any fish.
About to get into the shower, Henry caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror out of the corner of his eye, and embarrassingly enough, panicked for a split second that a nude Wilford Brimley had somehow slipped into the room.
Having seen a million too many butt cracks, Henry took to his sewing machine, inspired to create a similarly fashionable line of baggy blouses.
Have you ever listened to Utah jazz by a Los Angeles lake?
I will gladly pay any company any reasonable amount (not ot exceed $39.35) for their service unbreaking what Microsoft has broken with their needless “upgrades” and new versions.
The better part of the day was spent making sure the ducks hadn’t snuck up on us again to watch us watch TV.
If you have to fit the message into one text, I will accept telegram speak, not text speak, mind, rather plain old telegram brevity, but if you send me an email, please at least type all of your words out, if you want me to overlook your horrendous grammar.
Though Patsy knew exactly where her kids were on 4/20, the knowledge was not exactly reassuring.
She wasn’t sure what was more heavy…her eyelids, or all the responsibility in a reality that never realizes relishing in roads that relinquish dreams readily disabling real endeavors, isn’t the rational way to get what you want.
Biscuit is the funniest word in the English language, for example, try saying: “Ouch, I just shit a biscuit” and keep a straight face.
Sometimes I fear there are no jokes left in me.
Infuriated by the beige walls of his cubicle, Hector slowly plotted his revenge.
The last three digits of the jury duty hotline end in 666.
The pangs of regret at eating those donuts have devolved into hunger pains as I try to rid myself of the fat.
When the answer to the alien captivity turned out to be mold, I awoke from the dream, irritated with my subconscious’ obvious lack of originality.
We chased the fish from the hotel lobby and down the street, ashamed of ourselves when we finally caught it and discovered the fish was actually an old woman who’d been mistaken for a catfish by a passing construction worker who thought she’d escaped from the hotel’s fountain; “I’m so sorry,” I said, then looking closely at her whiskery face, was forced to lie, “I really don’t see how that man could have mistaken you for a catfish.”
Will not learning how to wipe my butt with either hand come back to haunt me?
It cracked, it cracked, and now I have a replacement; I’m all in favor of as many drugs as they can offer.
As inspired by: Jo's Introverted Office
When a new cubicle inhabitant moves in, cubicle neighbours should drop by with fresh baked goods to welcome them to their cubiclehood.
My mother didn’t understand why her children and husband began to laugh when she made her clue guess, and decided to write it off as “in eff able.”
The humans tried their best to stay synchronized with the world, but ignorance was their set screw, and it was set way too tight.
As inspired by: Keith's Keith’s Wonderful World of Little Known Garden of Eden Facts
It is believed by most Religious-Studies specialists that the forbidden fruit was, in fact, a banana, leading me to believe that Adam was just putting on a show for god, and feigning anger at Eve when she ate his the forbidden tree’s succulent fruit.
All at once the phones and Internet went down, the fire alarm panel went off, the plumber showed up to cut a hole in the ceiling to stop the water, and the devil showed up in Bermuda shorts, his stubbly legs so ugly that the chief thought for sure he would lose his composure.
It wasn’t until the dna tests came back that Mr. Coriander was able to convince the authorities that the abandoned child (dubbed “Baby Cilantro” by the media) was his, since the child looked nothing like him.
As inspired by: Keith's Keith’s Wonderful World of Little Known Garden of Eden Facts
Not all Henrys are sloths, but all sloths are named Henry.
Money used to grow on trees and the sloth was once an aggressive creature whose favorite food was money, but when the tree money ran out, the sloths lost hope and became the slow, sluggish creatures we know today.
The chief’s new marketing idea, which roared into town like the world’s first steam engine car, met resistance from many of the old managers, who, the chief noted quietly to himself, may very well have dated back to horse and buggy days.
I have no idea what the guy in the cube over the wall looks like, after four days.
“Close enough for government work” is accurate, even in the painstaking environment I find myself in.
Bob could not convince his wife to agree to his definition of the word anabolic.
The creatures appreciated the comforting simplicity of the Target logo, but couldn’t bring themselves to step inside on account of the overwhelming popcorn stench.
Perhaps the barking of my new dogs would make him spin like a dervish in time to see his lover wave, blow him one last chast kiss.
Inside a 4-year-collegiate institution, sororities and frats gather around and frolic on a slip and slide, textbooks go unread…..God only knows what’s going on in the real world.
As spring broke forth in daffodils and tulips I realized leaves would be falling in Adelaide.
Although they had never before in their lives seen anything like the creatures, the realtors assured them with wide toothy smiles that they had just the house they were looking for.
The chief was always surprised when the sneaky people living here tried to give him as a rental reference.
The anthropologists could not discern the creatures’ intentions, while the biologists, equally vexed, tried in vain to locate the genitals.
“Oh look,” Henry said, “I get a refund they can garnish.”
Keys left swinging, hot in the ignition.
As I was woken by a child at 1am explaining the urgent need to plunge the toilet, I thought about the Chief’s oft-thankless job.
I’m not sure exactly where my life went wrong….but I suspect it was around the time I stopped having “play clothes”, and started having “work clothes”.
I came to Scrine about how my other self is living a secret life to my other other (online) self, only to remember that another Scriner had done that previously and better.
Obfuscation via acronyms allowed many secret projects to go undetected, including the launch of the New Coke and the marriage of Prince Charles and Diana Spencer.
Though modern American men were apt to carry enough personal belongings to warrant adopting the purse as a fashion necessity, they were collectively loathe to do so - in part, though they were not consciously aware of it, due to the memory of all those cowboys who died in the first reel of old Westerns because they couldn’t draw fast enough.
It had been such a spectacularly bad idea to go to work in the first place, Fender was not the least surprised to find his beat-up Nissan had been crushed under a fallen sycamore.
Ken, currently doused in gasoline after a rather nasty string of events starting with his car running out of that which now flaunts itself upon his skin, began to think about starting a smoking addiction, if tobacco’s stress relieving abilities were to ring true, then, luckily, decided against it, because he had never like coughing.
Thank the gods that I didn’t wear my booty shorts this morning to take mom to work, because it would’ve made the hour walk from the gas-depleted car to home in a short sleeved shirt a tad less okay, albeit a bit more funny.
A tisket, a tasket, a green and yellow casket with me in it from now on every stinking day.
The women giggled and blinked, openly flirting with the men hidden behind the huge pile of shit.
“This isn’t time for whining, if you cry then you’re out of the exercise lodge.”
Looking more closely, I realized her blind eyes had been replaced by jewels.
I’m not bold enough to pull a Tom Cruise in Risky Business when I have the house to myself, so in some strange homage to him, I undo one of the buttons on my shirt, and watch my stories.
Figurative language aside, I died as my teeth sank slowly into the sexy chicken and teasing cheese, and they took my smiling corpse away as the bacon played bedroom games with my taste buds.
You slipped out into the sleepy pre-dawn light of your city - Chicago, Seattle, New York, I don’t remember which, but I remember the look of that Styrofoam cup you left in my beat up yogo from that one drink you didn’t finish, and that off-puce lipstick, which you left in lieu of a note on its lip and mine.
My work walls are made of beige carpet, but I’m thinking of having them professionally gilded.
Jason was just about to turn on GPS tracking so he could secretly follow his wife’s whereabouts when he realized that he didn’t want to know if her life was as boring as he believed it was, and he really didn’t want to know if it was more exciting.
Henry inched his way further out onto the limb, pissing off gravity even more than usual.
It seemed natural that after Sue Mee emigrated to the United States she would become a lawyer, but no one could ever have imagined she would meet her future law partner, Sue Yu while in school.
Norm liked the dog days of autumn, but he loved the nap-in-the-sun cat days of spring even more.
Tropicana’s new rewards program sounds a little naughty to me and, frankly, I’m not proud of it.