Change is afoot; it all happens at the same time, doesn’t it?
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Jack always felt ultra-cool when wearing his “You Don’t Know Jack” t-shirt out to bars, but his friends just thought it was rather inane and often ended up spending most of the evening pretending they didn’t know Jack.
My Jewish friend always sneaks over to my house after Easter and scarfs down all my leftover homemade hot cross buns.
Bob contemplated (wanted) to storm (sneak off to) the Blogher Conference (the pub), but feared (feared) being turned away (caught) by a mob of angry women (his wife).
Nuns purchasing Quiznos.
It is perfectly normal for teenage boys on Inside-Out world to spend an inordinate amount of time exploring the many wonders of their appendix.
When Mark stepped naked into the blizzard that he thought was his morning shower he just laughed it off and when that cop pulled him over and asked, “Did you know you have a cracked windsheild?”, he didn’t explain his new found level of bewilderment, even when his freshly brewed coffee decided to jump from his hand onto his lap he didn’t let it get him down; it was Fish Taco Tuesday, nothing could take that.
“I’ll just tell them I was watching the show on TV,” the chief’s son said when he was told to quit staring at the girls who were working out in the next room.
After an hour or so of chasing his tiny sillohuette against a periwinkle sky they spotted him struggling in the upper most branches of a pine, thoughtfully he lowered down the limbs until finally falling down and out of the tree; “I’m getting better at flying,” he defended, “it’s landing that I need to learn.”
Being told to “dress in your Sunday School best” made all the schoolchildren unhappy except the Unitarians, who happily jumped into their favorite cargo pants and flip flops.
The Christians all rested so hard on Sunday that they woke up Monday morning with terrible bed sores and eye boogers.
“Doc, um… I don’t know how to say this, but my iguana just lies there and hardly moves and I’m wondering if, like they say on TV, he might be suffering from reptile dysfunction and should, uh, see Alice?”
The fire inside burns bright and hot like molten liquid; what a good time to park the credit cards.
The only seven words in the English language better than “On behalf of the Summer Grant Committee” are “I am pleased to let you know…”
Happiness is a dump run in an old pickup truck on a sunny spring afternoon.
Trying to find a good reuben on the peninsula is enjoyable work but futile in the extreme.
He paid it a lofty sum to run amok deeming acts, objects, people, just about anything or everything he felt exactly fit that definition.
Just getting warmed up, my children shrieked at each other from either end of the house for a full minute simultaneously, and I could only think to yell “NO YELLING!”
Hot and smooth like molten glass, soft and strong like silk strands and she’ll snap any man over her knee like that.
My little fledgling tomato plants are so happy in their new pots, I do believe I heard them hum.
“This is not the first flightless turtle we’ve encountered on this trip,” Darwin told his assistant as he scribbled notes furiously into his notebook, “and unless this journey lasts 1000 years, I do believe it won’t be our last.”
I will correct your grammar and when I correct your grammar, you will know that your grammar has been corrected and it will be a lesson that will stick with you for a couple hours until I have to correct it again, at which time I’ll simply point at you with one finger, then place my other finger to my lips and go, ‘shhh’.
I have a job interview coming up; shall I wear my whirlybird cap or my clown suit?
Who enjoys listening to Pavement?
The tiny green shoots are a constant reminder of the sinus headache I’ll battle later on today.
Sometimes when your car is out of tune it feels more like a metaphor for your life than an issue of valves, points and carburetion.
“Who will open my cans now?” wondered the cat of late lamented Thomas T., swishing its tail as it gazed down at the rows and rows of tract homes.
“I understand the suffering of humans, believe me, I do,” Thomas T.‘s cat told the Humane Society grief counselor that insisted on talking to him, “as a matter of fact, we cats consider your suffering one of our greatest achievements.”
When your cat tells you something, you should listen, but if it’s about food, never mind.
An old NASCAR driver explained the secret of his success: shiny side up; greasy side down.
I’m volunteering to have my boobs squished in a machine, my skin scrutinized by a stranger, and my eyes dilated, all in the name of science.
Because of her natural hatred of things green, she attended the garden show planning to savagely disrupt the gentle lives of the plants; upon entering the rarefied atmosphere of so much oxygenated air, however, she found herself lulled into complacency.
Olga realized, somewhat too late, that when the Scrine user agreement said you would be “dis-membered” for repeated grammatical violations it did not refer to having one’s membership revoked but instead referred to what would happen when Miss Jane showed up at your door, razor-sharp pen-knife in hand.
An hour after the paramedics had left, taking Thomas T. with them, the cat found himself extremely irritated that any man could have such an easily forgettable name.
Thomas T. found that repeating the thought the coroner’s a woman helped very little.
It was such a good idea that there seemed to be no possible way it couldn’t work, but his luck lately had been so terrible that he also knew something humorously bad of gigantic proportions was about to happen, like he’d encounter two cats in a tavern shooting pool and they’d take turns poking at his eyes with their cute little cue sticks, or maybe he’d win an all expense paid trip to the Grand Canyon, only to discover as he cautiously crept up to the edge that he’d foolishly worn banana peel shoes.
Thomas T. thought that the autopsy table provided very poor lumbar support.
Speak-of-the-devil regularly causes the phones to ring in my office and this weekend it brought back a relative who hasn’t contacted me in ten years.
The “plus benefits” part of the job description includes a corner office with rainbow views every day and and a company unicorn to ride to work.
The plate of brownies on top of the office refrigerator are not yet public knowledge.
The CIA agents who bug your car want you to know the month-old Egg McMuffin in your glove compartment achieved self-awareness today at exactly 02:14 a.m.
In Big Billy’s orchard, the appels never fell far from the trea.
Happy had no home, but with seven girlfriends he was, well… happy, and he never lacked for a warm place to spend the night.
Aaron kept two girlfriends, one skinny and one Rubenesque.
The group circled their chairs and carefully studied one another’s frowning muscles, eventually leading to Henry being crowned the new Corrugator King.
“For the longest time March was my favorite month,” my friend Schuster told us one day, “but that was back when I thought that old saying was about being in with the liars and having to go on the lamb.”
Health care reform is easy; never get sick.
I miss the snowmen that used to litter my house when it was decorated for winter, they were my friends when the cold kept everyone else away.
In his youth, my grandfather once went out on a date with one of those pin-up girls, but he said that when he went to kiss her goodnight his sweaty palms accidentally smudged some of the pastel on her shoulder, revealing only the artist’s paper underneath.
My grandmother - when they finally put her in the box - told me that she didn’t want a polished headstone, because a body could see themselves in it, and she didn’t want that for any of us, or our kids, who would scarcely know who she was, but would bend over to touch her name on that polished lesser stone, and see their own untimely end on the black granite.
Watching the earthquake coverage on the news, Juan didn’t begrudge a single minute spent overbuilding his overengineered house.
I want someone to go through my garage, have a garage sale, and then give me all the money.
In that one moment, punctuated by a scream, Andrew learned the real reason men wear underwear.
My name was Trillbillikey and I discovered a way of turning old tires into artificial coffee beans, but unfortunately I awoke too quickly, and my method was lost forever.
St. Patty’s day ain’t over until all the Guinness is gone.
I’m really glad I don’t have taste buds on my fingertips.
“Lucy’s being acculturated into a world in which reality is made only of nouns that verb and these only in ways that are measurable by science.”
I’m not entirely sure what the fifth decade is for, except to correct the errors of the fourth and to anticipate those of the sixth.
During his door-to-door salesman days, Peter always carried an olive branch with him to show his good faith and commitment to getting along with others, but now that he’d retired, he began to realize that most of his stories involving the branch contained descriptions of him swinging it wildly at the head of some angry dog or using it to fend off some frisky housewife, or if he was unsuccessful, the occasional angry husband who showed up early.
A rusty metal bird told me that it’s Our Leader’s birthday.
It also whispered to me that the best birthday present you can give Keith at this late date is your donation to/via Scrine, whereby you will join the list of 2010 supporters (recognized down in the lower right-hand column). The handy Paypal button is right there in the left-hand column. Thanks, friends!
When I close my eyes the lights goes out just like in my refrigerator; also, we both enjoy having food put inside us.
Don’t even get me started on the so-called colour that is beige.
Just when you think you can’t possibly loathe them any more, they go and get all nice at you.
As inspired by: redvulpes3's it was there, frozen and waiting
Juan stood on the bridge, flexed his metaphorical wings and then dove, wondering, but not really caring, if metaphorical wings could support a corporeal body or if only his spirit would take flight.
They met as best friends, they parted as strangers, which isn’t pessimism, they just fell off of a roof, and couldn’t remember each other when they started walking towards their opposite’s house.
Mark peeled back the film cover, quarter-turned his semi-frozen patty, puched in the 3-3-0 and hit ‘Start’, though he felt like he’d always been there, tethered to a chair then ‘ding’ went his salsbury steak and epiphany; “I have metaphorical wings but this cage is quite real.”
“Women terrify me,” Zak confessed to his friends one night over beer and football, “but goodness, am I a masochist.”
“Thank goodness for underage sex,” Phil bursted out one day at his local diner after mentally assessing his life over a bad cup of coffee, “because without it, you wouldn’t have a froody guy like me!”
Like a cat, I will not slink from my hiding place if I hear any strange voices in the house.
Right up until his early, forced retirement, Professor Katto believed that cutting the ears off a live cat was the best way to get the attention of an auditorium full of middle school students.
Victor knew that there must be a better way when he shelled out one hundred and thirty nine dollars and ninety-nine cents, plus tax, for a dorm room refrigerator, but his mathematical mind couldn’t come up with one, so he resolved to just be happy that he’d always have a cold pillow to sleep on now.
Screaming expletive after expletive into your mobile phone for over 30 minutes no doubt adds excitement to your otherwise dull train trip, but it does mean you are going in my top ten of firsts.
“I know this client is seven shades of batshit crazy and I promised I was not going to deal with batshit any more,” sighed Juan over his Guinness, “but each time I’m ready to fire her, some crazy gem of truth gleams through the guano and gives me hope of putting on a case… and so far her checks haven’t bounced.”
Screaming at me may have made your day a little better, but it does mean I spend the rest of my day plotting your ultimate demise.
Cyan almost sounds too nasty to be a colour.
Rosie finally gave up on people and, whistling out of tune as she did so, prepared the bubbling solution that would permanently change her into a Bear.
Where’s a Guinness swilling mate when you need one?
Mee-ma nursed her mamossa, left eye-brow raised, ready, aim, fire; “Mindy, you’re such a fine dancer; it’s a shame you only do it up and down a pole for Japanese business men.”
Henry jokingly told the woman at the DMV the story of how his car had broken down, and how on his walk home that night he’d lost his wallet and how someone had found it but stolen all his money, his debit card and driver’s license; the woman at the DMV appreciated Henry’s story so much that she felt sad it should end and calmly informed him that he’d gotten old and would need to see an eye doctor for glasses before the state would issue him a new license.
When government falls down on the job, we create new governments of our own.
You’ll need your 1092-A “catbox is full” form as well as the 1087-B “feed me chicken” printout.
Juan awoke with a start and the fistful of hundred dollar bills evaporated.
Mike liked to parade around in his bikini underwear as if his package was pretty special, which his wife found exceedingly pathetic, since she knew it didn’t work.
His hands shook, and sweat beaded on his brow to slide agonizingly slow down his temple, his cheek - it was because of him that Julius had remained undaunted, it was because of him that this friend, this man he loved was here at the Senate, rumors that had been turned down, lies that had been told… it was because of him that Julius’ eyes were fixed on his in solemn resignation, waiting only the inevitable… gripping the knife tight, Marcus steeled himself for what must be done.
The hit and run on a parked car in my neighborhood produced a mob; instead of pitchforks and torches there were kids on scooters and a festive holiday atmosphere.
“I can’t wait for lunch tomorrow so I can have a corned beef sandwich.”
They say that kids these days are no longer learning to read and write in cursive; pissing our names in the snow may soon be a lost art.
Putting eco-friendly timer-lightswitches in the office bathrooms seems like a good idea until it’s you sitting there along in the dark with your pants around your knees.
In any gathering of St. Bernard owners, he whose pants are without dog slobber is the pretender.
I am haunted by the ghost of John Mayer.
If nature abhors a vacuum, who am I to disgust nature by cleaning?
Despite its clock having been gently sprung forward for daylight savings time, Juan’s furnace refused its duty of turning on ten minutes before he was to get out of bed.
“Why, sure it does, ” he insisted; “Mud rhymes with fun, so that’s what we’re having and covered in.”
Being with him is like hurtling through space without a net; it’s kind of fun.
“Lets go out,” they said, followed by a cursory “you’ll have fun.”
It was too shiny not to be seen ever so gently slide into his back pocket; in fact, the only thing brighter in the room was his boss’s red, red face.
I guess the big scratch in my glasses is better than having that nail in my eye.
Then there are those kids who seem like they’ll just be happier when they’re adults.
“No one will find out,” said the owner of the oldest funeral home in town, “that I’ve been responsible for the deaths - they’re paying me to kill people, do their autopsy and I get to dispose of the body in front of them all.”
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Yes, I are a good good reader o’ copy.
A cat is allowed one moving deduction per year on their return as long as they were forced from the keyboard or lap.
Contrary to popular belief, a cat cannot deduct funeral expenses from their return if it is one of their own nine lives.
Hello, my name is OhNo, I’m with the Federal Census Bureau, and I’d like to ask you a few questions.
Telegraphy is one of the many economical arts concerned with the non-superfluous use of words and doses of plainspokenness and brevity that may induce literary suicide STOP
Every Saturday Odin, Thor, Freyr, Heimdall, and Loki get together and play poker together at the Ragnarök casino, Heimdall and Loki, without fail, slay each other, and there are many laughs to be had.
I think lots of people would like to watch a Flowbee vs. Robocut reality television show.
It’s exhausting being the only one holding up the sky.
Henry suspected the gypsy woman was a fraud when she told him she saw a new alternator in his future, but she assured him she wasn’t and to prove her sincerity invited him to dine with her and her brother, who, Henry was surprised to find out, was his mechanic.
When the car wouldn’t start last night, walking home the four miles in the dark seemed like a fine idea, full of independence and self-sufficiency, but when the police tracked me down this morning and handed me back the wallet I’d apparently lost along the way, minus my driver’s license, debit card, and the last of my cash, I found myself at first wishing I could retrace my steps, go back in time somehow and stop it all from happening, but then I started wondering about that hobo who’d made off with my identification, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him because I knew it was only a matter of time before he found out what a chore it was being me.
Afraid he was fast running out of things to be when he grew up, Ferguson bought an English-to-Dutch dictionary and considered taking up clog dancing.
I listen to my children with only half my consciousness, but some words permeate the gloom, like “fire,” “ouch,” and just about every swear word.
Photos of their smiling past are hard to see these days due to the haze brought on by their discontented sighs and melancholy murmurs.
Hannah Montanna, you may have won the first round, but now I’m moderating my sister’s iPods!
It’s not so much the frequency of the pounding from upstairs, but rather the steady ‘ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum’ rhythm -which tends to quicken periodically- that has me wondering just who it is that’s been hidden between the floors…
I love everything about nougat but the name; somehow it sounds smarmy and whiny.
Every time I try a dating service they insist on matching me up with a woman whose only hobby is pretending her name is Henrietta.
“Your Honor, really, I have a copy of the lyrics to ‘Fergelicious’ on my computer because I was helping my daughter do research about Persephone.”
As inspired by: 'mouse's man period
Faced with the prospect of an afternoon in the company of her ex-husband, she felt that a preliminary xanax might be in order.
In the year 2010, cruise ships are the new rat poison.
Juan really wished he could blame that sluggish, bloated feeling on some kind of man-period, but he knew it mostly had to do with eating an entire package of Oreos in a futile attempt at self-medication.
It was literally a dream house, but flawed in so many ways that my subconscious found it necessary to have me walk around in it, pointing out the design flaws.
John liked his eggs like he liked his women - dippy, but things between him and them always seemed to be over so easy that he’d just be happy with a nice scramble.
Miss Jane methodically carved the last curling “k” of ‘thank’ with her blood ink pen across the ungrateful woman’s forehead, and while the message she left was clear, but polite, it would no doubt make for interesting small-talk in what would needs-be a closed-casket ceremony.
Not knowing that the thank you note had been lost in the mail, Juan was forced to hire a hit man to set things right, but unfortunately, his payment for services rendered was also misplaced by the post office, forcing the hit man to do yet another pro bono job.
If life were perfect, I could delete what I say when I am drunk.
As the woman’s head bounced surprisingly gently on each stair, Miss Jane continued her lecture on the inappropriateness of leaving distressed and injured people unaided, feeling sure that her subject would never again transgress this particular social mores.
The excitement of new websites is easily spoiled by the painfully slow nameserver update process.
I’d like, just occasionally, to be the daring, reckless type, full of spit and fire and retribution.
“I will hunt her down and kill her in sleep.”
All the clocks in the house say something different; I went back in time to the living room and decided not to say anything this time.
I remember my house’s side of “the call,” the one in which we found out about grandma, how my mother held the phone, fingers white, and excused herself from dinner, but I’ve often wondered since if there wasn’t something else in her hands.
That’s a lot of bitches, yo.
In time last words become like the ticking of a pocket watch - loud enough to keep you up.
We spent our friday nights close on the couches of strangers, buzzed, hiding under their blankets from the monsters in the air ducts.
I found you on an old work shirt, scent tucked in the corner of my memory under those silly looking pants that I never wear.
The cat has stopped his wanton running through the pillow-black halls, choosing instead to prowl at the foot of my bed now the house itself has settled, and fallen asleep.
Even my skin smells of that place - tobacco and sweat, and I lick my lips, taste the pungent air, feel it against me.
Tonight when the covers are pulled over our heads we will dream of sand.
the seat of the wicker chair bent into a smile as I lowered myself down into it with a big, cool, sweating glass of tea (even though it was only fifty out).
It’s not you, it’s me.
The chief discovered that Disney would be auditioning male Polynesian dancers tomorrow down in Florida, but his current job, while boring enough to allow him time to make such excellent discoveries, didn’t, unfortunately, pay enough for him to buy a plane ticket; also, he wasn’t Polynesian, but he was good at interviews and was sure he could overcome that obstacle.
Some days I find people extremely disappointing.
On an exciting day, the chief had to change as many as three or four lightbulbs.
Choosing the all-analog version of the human body, she learned as an infant to coordinate breathing and heartbeats with only a small sliver of her prodigious brain.
It’s funny how the message “The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove is now available and has been delivered to your eAudioBookbag” can brighten a person’s day.
After 30 years of buying every damn piece of new, bleeding edge technology to come along, Ray was ready to join the Luddites.
No one ever talks about it, but I bet the socks in heaven are very comfortable.
“Andrew, sometimes you try my last nerve,” growled Linda, after she had to confiscate the Hibachi and explain to her son that just because Snugglepuss was comforting and just because the TV constantly prattled on about “comfort food” that did not suggest Snugglepuss should become shishkabobs to brighten up a dull winter day.
Through harnessing the power of lightning (otherwise known as the interwebs), it seems I live again, though who knows just where this Frankenstein’s experiment will go…
When a bridge isn’t finished we call it a dock and go fishing from it.