J-2000’s sensors could always detect the rise in her human husband’s heart rate whenever he started fantasizing that she was a broken ATM in need of a good spanking.
My friend Doctor E always eats his fortune cookie before dinner, claiming that one day it just might save his life.
“I agree, the word servo is mentioned several times in my service manual,” J-2000 told her new human husband, “but if you’ll read a bit closer, you’ll realize this has nothing to do with picking up after you, thank you very much.”
Question 1: You knock on the door and a man in a santa’s costume answers the door, saying ‘I don’t have any candy now, but if you come on in and stay until christmas I’ll have plenty’- do you A)take the candy, or B)run back to mommy. Josh? ‘take the candy!’
The best things about the BlogHer Conference were the Estrogen Tent and the Knit-’n’-Bond sessions.
Every year the Pumpkin’s Union would gather together, and form a vine at all of the local farms, picketing the sale and unfair treatment of their coworkers and their innards, but they never understood why their signs, sporting witty phrases like “2 for 3,” and the classic “pumpkins for sale” never got them any closer to their goals.
99% of people in the world dress up as themselves for Halloween, and, following the lead of more promiscuous women, the fantasy nerds and dead heads, among many others, I’ll be a gentleman in vest and tie with a masquerade mask.
“My data banks tell me that temporary impotence can happen to any man,” J-2000 told her new human husband on their honeymoon, then pretended to believe him when he replied, “Does not compute.”
Peter thought his new robot wife was very mysterious, especially when it came to setting her clock.
Web browsers could sense weakness in Muriel, and always took advantage.
By the time Patsy turned 45, she tended to forget lots of important nouns, but never the interjections.
On its 40th birthday, the Internet inspected its lines and wrinkles in the bathroom mirror, and wondered if it would look sexy or just plain pathetic if it bought a flashy red sports car.
If I ever meet the guy who designed humans, I’m going to ask why nose hairs have to grow so long and be so firmly anchored.
It was almost two AM, November first, and Jeremy was just about to be shooed out of the bar, but just as last call approached the hour hand of the clock jumped back an hour, and there was much rejoicing.
Only a mother could be so amused by her three-year-old’s hard-on that I have to listen to her talk about it loudly on her cellphone on the train.
There are no foxholes in atheism.
Becky Heckle stormed out of the meeting when the “moment of silence” called for by the manager seemed like it would never end.
In a fit of passive aggression, Herbert transferred his report’s most salient data into the footnotes, in 4-point font.
Wally liked to pick one day a week to eat huge quantities of cheese and bunches of bananas and see which one won.
Sir Edmund Hilary was alarmed when the entire mountain uprooted itself and set itself down next to Maui, but not so alarmed that he didn’t enjoy a frosty mai-tai when he reached base camp.
I eat when I’m depressed, and I’m depressed because I have no money because I ate when I was depressed when I had slightly more, but all in all not a lot more money.
“You’ll make a really good dad some day, you know that?”
“There really is no place like home,” she thought right before the house fell on her.
mmmmm-mango season!
We’ve now broken in the new neighbors with our giant teenager-style shrieking conflagration; welcome to the neighborhood!
“Please remember to “fall back” and move your clock back one hour, so that you will not be late on Monday morning.”
Josh’s muslim friends were not amused when he asked, “If you die of swine flu, I assume you’re pretty much S.O.L. when it comes to gettting into heaven, right?”
On tonight’s episode our hero must choose between seeing Rocky Horror for the first time, and a hilarious free play with full frontal female nudity.
In the fall, there is one glorious week where the trees look as if they are wearing their party dresses; of course the next week they shed them which makes me think there must be a prom night involved somehow.
Why wasn’t John Lennon able to carry his wife across the threshold when they got married?
I need someone to help me write a piano rag about myself, tentatively titled “Your Mouth is Big, But You Still Bite Off More Than You Can Chew.”
Since you didn’t bring me that 1TB iPod I asked for last year, I’d like to request a 3TB one this year.
Teaching law students to knit is really hard work.
BAZINGA!
Mr. Kaufman, a high school choir teacher, was normally so absorbed in his own conversations that he couldn’t hear someone standing right beside him yelling bloody murder, but one day when on the other side of a crowded noisy room another teacher mentioned his ex wife he stopped what he was doing, raised an imaginary shotgun, and shot the student he was discussing pitch with in the chest, yelling “BANG,” then, “sorry, old habits”
Don’t.
Pete, my pet monkey,
Looks better in a Speedo
Than I ever will.
Apparently more than 3 because it ain’t fixed yet.
Juan chuckled as he hung up the phone and realized that he’d just finished a legal consultation which he had begun 45 minutes earlier with, “I don’t have any particular thoughts about… .”
When asked if his job made him lose faith in humanity or restored it, the chief replied, “Yes.”
The fire department quit testing its civil defense system at noon on the last Friday of every month because the siren tended to frighten everybody; this confused Fender because he’d thought that was the whole point.
An incident leading to major repairs of the San Francisco Bay Bridge led to a discussion over breakfast with my daughter on commute traffic, human frailties and the true nature of faith.
“Uhoh… I think I broke it.”
“Fuck You.”
“My printer seems to be on strike,” he noted; “would you be so kind as to conduct negotiations?”
I’m sorry, but when I read the headline, “Chicago men arrested in Danish terror….,” I get a very sweet taste in my mouth.
“The appeals court rejected arguments that police discovered the woman’s body without obtaining a search warrant.”
It is probably a bad idea to rack up $2.3 million in markers to a Las Vegas casino, agree to a “reduced” payment of $2 million, pay by personal check and then stop-pay the check before you get home.
“So if I see a coffin, do you want me to pick one up?’
Compared to a banana, all other fruit is pious.
Every time she heard reference to the group of “teabaggers” she giggled a little and wondered if the stodgy old white men were really that clueless.
Montgomery’s heart was full to bursting, but the shell of his façade was unbreakable.
The coffee flowed like wine, but in much sturdier and more practical mugs.
Fed up with hearing about religions with negative food proscriptions, my daughter said she’s joining the first church she finds based on the idea that everyone should eat lots of bacon.
At first Frank was happy to discover that he felt no attraction at all to his nubile teenage stepdaughter, but then as he realized he no longer felt attraction toward any woman, he began to worry.
When Tom couldn’t figure out the exact word that he was looking for, he chose to use a reverse dictionary, which upon tying in “timid” and “amorous,” and hitting enter, returned a long list of words, the first of which was “pansy.”
Where did the Jeffery the cat go when his old tail no longer fit him?
i’m feeling very joe.
She would forever wonder if he wasn’t good enough for him, and simultaneously if it was possible to not be good enough for someone with nothing to compare her to.
Ulysses wrote to me “vex fagot
lake dot enrol action
repay held augury
bemuse guslar
sward bagged precis
spun under coiner vino
fin!”
Odd indeed is the term paper written under the influence of Ativan and wine.
After release of the Windows 7 Whopper, I waited patiently at my local McDonalds for Apple’s retort, hoping that they would choose to give me a Macintosh Lisa burger.
I wonder if my printer would work on the Windows 7 Whopper?
Kevin, Tammy’s college friend, tries as best he can can to shop on a budget, but whenever he goes out for the supplies to make, say, easy mac, he has to throw in some extra cheeses and spices to “jazz” it up so to speak, so Tammy just shakes her head when he complains about how much money he’s spent on the food.
Am I expecting too much when I buy “lots of pulp” orange juice, and am not satisfied with it unless I feel the need to brush my teeth after drinking?
Ironically, Joseph Smith was irritated that he had to catch a connecting flight in Salt Lake City.
Martin Luther hadn’t expected prefab metal doors and was forced to return to his study to get some tape.
I’m ready for my nap now Mr. DeMille.
Many came to Jesus with computers in hand, begging the savior for everlasting tech support; “Open the door and I will come in,” he told them, a message which was, unfortunately, overheard by Judas, a disgruntled employee and notorious hacker.
Time has frozen this moment, captured it for you, and here it shines, gem-like upon your hand, eternal and unfeeling.
Hey, after rehearsal, if you’d like, we can do some more table work, I certainly can’t get enough of banging our characters out.
Me plus you equals two, and us plus an unwelcome third is a prime number, which, divided by two, is three halves, an unhappy fraction, sadly we live in a world of fractions, fractions of cookies and fractions of days - if only everything would be a whole, unprime number, division would be much easier.
How can there be so many cases of swine flu in the city which brought us The Jungle?
My soul responds to the seasons: during the autumn something about the air brings out the pagan in me and I want bon fires, rituals and ecstatic visions while dancing to strange and unknown gods under the cloak of darkness, but when the new year hits I am the repentant Christian, sober and earnest seeking to follow the straight and narrow but, eventually as the cool refreshing spring gives way to the stifling dead heat of summer all traces of credulity abandon my psyche and I am once again the atheist, rational and demanding of undeniable proof before committing to anything.
The harvest dyads painted the landscape in burnt umber.
At their 25th high school reunion Gallant tells single mother Becky Adams that she looks great and invites her to dance; Gallant tells Becky he had his first sex dream about her and often masturbated to her yearbook picture.
As inspired by: OhNo789's Lest Ye Be Slapped
“Honey, if I wanted to sleep with a woman with boy hips I would sleep with a boy…uh..wait a minute…”
The most insidious thing about mass consumerism is that it has warped our concept of liberty to include the right to buy everything I want ,whenever I want at the cheapest possible price as if were some sort of natural or inalienable right.
Even if it is true, one should not say “you’re of average beauty, and that is what attracts me.”
Danger lurks in parked cars, including pregnancy, mechanical failure, and foiled plans.
Say your name was Terry, and you, Terry, had to make sure that you bought food prior to going on a date, because you couldn’t trust yourself with a full wallet, and a pretty girl.
Whenever there was an earthquake in his hometown, which, lets face it, on the east coast is less frequent than the blue moon (which happens once every 2.5 years) Jack, lifelong friend of Carl, would turn to him and say “don’t worry, that’s just my christian parents donating to charity.”
Doctor E used to go to laundromats and steal a right sock from all of the pretty women, and then go up to them in the parking lot and say “oh, you dropped this,” because he believe that would start conversation off on the right foot.
To the man with no roof, every rustle in the night sounds like rain.
Graceless and ungrateful, he will stumble through life with one foot on the ground and one foot firmly in his mouth.
It was nearly his worst invention ever, second only to his sea salt bandages.
It was a simple day, centered entirely around the eating of salsa.
“Bloomberg sets record for his own spending on erections.”
Last night all I dreamed about was dirty dishes.
Christine never tired of talking about Matthew’s banana, nor he of her mangos.
Sometimes it’s tiring being such a fucking ray of sunshine all the time.
Of course the new “Kentucky Grilled Chicken” at KFC contains beef, why wouldn’t it?
Rufus thinks that we should practice more beer stealing before stepping things up a notch, but my friend Schuster says that as long as we hit the bank at the right time we’ll be okay, telling Rufus, “Except for the no glass door part, an open bank vault is not all that different than a Circle K beer cooler.”
My friend, the worrier, was just IMing me about how she’s really worried that her daughter seems to be starting to worry too much.
When I run the Norton PC Chckup performance scan, to determine how my computer’s performance can be improved, it says, “This scan will just take a minute or two, please standby” and then runs for 20 minutes—I’m fully expecting its recommendation to improve performance will be “buy a Mac.”
Mr. Dill realized he had erred when he was manhandled by Sgt. Cilantro and placed into the squad car; he would later tell his wife that he couldn’t understand why the Sgt. had arrested him for “growing a little [namesake] weed.”
We can take it nice and slow, sentence, and we, certainly, don’t need to rush to a period.
As inspired by: 'mouse's how many calories does roflmao burn?: guest scriner: pepperidge farms
After Jason learned that the physical act of love making burns somewhere around two hundred calories, he made sure that he had cookies in the house at all times, and when his wife would, invariably, eat one, he would look at her for a minute, whereupon she’d sigh, and walk to the bedroom.
“Serving size: 1 cookie”
Juan’s problem with the whole, “oral isn’t sex” paradigm shift was that he always personally felt that oral (whether giving or receiving) was really a more intimate act than missionary-style sex.
Hip math geeks have always known that the sine wave represents the history of sexual deviancy.
I just discovered that “kids these days” have completely redefined the bases.
The Spice Cops SWAT team cemented their tough reputation when, to a man, they began using pepper spray as aftershave, cologne and jock-itch treatment.
Officer Pepper busted the Porsche theft ring and impounded half a dozen hot Cayannes.
God must eat to stay alive, but she only eats halvah.
The recession ain’t over until the last “flipper” gets hit on the ass on the way out the door.
My frown lines are my battle scars.
Let x equal the length of the paper, let y1 = the number of hours before the paper Is due that you tell yourself to start, and let y2 equal the actual time that you start 15+x=y1, .5y1-x=y2.
Unknown to most, Tom Waits actually sung in one of the first vomit metal bands, which, unlike most, didn’t have any instruments - the other band members just stood there whilst Waits sung.
Don’t worry, Bakerina, I’ll keep your secret about how you’re a serious fan of trance, electronica, metal and punk.
Revel in so many quality words for rotting food: rancid, putrid, off.
Unhappy with the way the Internet was going, Al Gore rolled it up like it was his sandbox, and went home to play.
Removing his glasses, Juan discovered the world was not nearly as dusty and grease-smeared as he had come to believe.
Who declared this a work day today; I was happily content screwing around on the Internet.
The life of skin: wrinkly, pimply, saggy, wrinkly, and brittle.
This is a test to make sure I haven’t lost my mind…Though, I don’t know how this would prove it…
After years of the 24-hour-news-cycle and always-on internet, is it any wonder I’m convinced there’s nothing new under the sun?
Most everyone in town thought it was a strange arrangement, but they looked the other way, considering they no longer had to deal with the moose poop.
“My whole life was in that purse,” she told the chief as she explained how her unlocked car, parked in the very back of the parking lot next to the homeless-attracting dumpster, had been rifled through during the night; the chief nodded empathetically, hoping words like are you kidding me? and fucking stupid weren’t magically appearing on his forehead.
In this issue of the Daily DUH Report we explore the following headline: College Costs Are Rising, Report Says - New York Times
She knew it had to be a cruel joke that she was almost 32 yet seemed to still be enrolled in the Zit-of-the-Month club.
In an odd update to the old lion and mouse story, ‘mouse asked his teenage daughter to grab a needle and to come dig around in his paw to remove a splinter, and when she said, “no way, just thinking about it makes me feel faint and I think I may puke,” the littlest ‘mousedaughter, age 10, was summoned and performed the surgery admirably, earning the eternal gratitude of the lion, aka ‘mouse.
Be sure to poke it a friggin’ lot with a fork first.
Why was one set designer mad at the other?
“Well, yes, I am going to come right out and admit it,” declared Dr. Heidelberg, “the new Porsche Panamera is indeed the unnatural spawn of a careless 911 which got too close to a rutting Cayenne.”
She wasn’t what you would call religious, in fact she pretty much denied the existence of a God; but then he would just smite her with a sneeze attack and she’d see him up there, laughing.
She often wondered if her need to constantly refresh her open web pages was a nervous tic or some kind of genetic anomaly.
Eddy, who always involuntarily sniffed upon entering the men’s room at work, was confused when today’s smell could only be described a eau de gerbil cage.
I’m going to have my AACR2 bibliographic description tattooed onto my shoulder, right below my credit rating, my ISBN code, my UPS tracking number, and my pin.
The truly sad part about this story is that a boy named Falcon will forever be remembered as the kid who set Jiffy Pop free in the sky.
That which sustains will ultimately destroy.
Self-doubt is a slavering monster that lurks in the tiniest of spaces.
Sometimes you can hear the crinkling of your brain as it releases the stress and pressures from the inside of your head.
New job starts tomorrow.
I was eating a PBnJ in a hotdog bun.
Rufus thinks that if he doesn’t have sex soon he’s going to end up killing someone; I thought this was a rather stupid statement, but my friend Schuster thought Rufus had an excellent point, and that maybe now was a great time to discuss the benefits of suicide.
It’s true that “professional gadfly” brings a high level of job satisfaction and looks great on a business card, but it also makes getting a bank loan somewhat tricky.
I really, really miss you guys.
Oh the fun to be had with the term “Christmas Pickle”
Sadly, Mr. Kihn, in this urgent world of speed dating and texting they really don’t need to write ‘em like that any more.
Roman Polanski’s edgier remake of “The Babysitter’s Club” has been put on hold pending funding.
An above average number of thunderstorms prevented the City of Denver from winning their bid to host the 2010 Toaster Rodeo.
There are few things on this planet that qualify as “Hell on earth” than being stuck between floors for the better part of the morning in a claustrophobic elevator with an aging boy band that finds pathos in loves songs that were anemic the first time around
The way Ralph figured it ten years of marriage cost him half a million dollars and that last year keeping his mistress happy was at least $10,000, but lately the local hookers were running him only a couple hundred dollars a month and they didn’t bother him with unnecessary nagging or conversation.
It somehow never occurred to Molly that someday the baby would grow into a teen and expect to drive Molly’s car, nor that someday would arrive so soon.
Sometimes Gene would stare for hours at his tortoise wondering if it longed for happy-go-lucky days in the wild, dodging racoons and trying to find food, or it it appreciated its life in the cage with a heatpad and daily food deliveries.
The backwards life was not a thing of beauty, but then, he’d seen that coming.
The sound of the inbox alerted her to all that she had been missing.
Willard realized too late, right after the grant was approved, that his scientific research regarding the correlation between sweaty feet and sweaty balls might not be all that much fun to actually research.
Relational society demands that certain clear lines be drawn, and that virtue lives only safely behind them.
I think if you poured $20 million or $30 million in small, unmarked bills on top of him, you could drown out the whiney voice of my better angel.
I’d like to sic my lawyer on everyone who has ever done me wrong, particularly those stupid bullies in elementary school.