My “friends” all ask me if I’m going to miss them, so I reply “no,” and they laugh.
The Devil loved Vegas, but hated how much it made his jaw ache from all the smiling.
As inspired by: The Nolan Sisters
One of these days, the crowd of bemused onlookers will burst into song and dance along with me.
I think love is pain; Any positive emotions associated with loven are merely “free trials” when they run out, you’re definitely going to pay for them.
perhaps it should be scrinepost, or even scrinescribbler?
I know that the churches have literally thousands of years of experience justifying and explaining how God still exists in a world full of so much bad shit, like poverty, disease and death happening to good people, but no church, no church, is prepared to explain the existence of the abomination that is Microsoft in a world where God exists.
The mouse-breasted tit-swallow could boast of being used as a punch line in hundreds of different languages, including urdu.
Sing it from the rooftops, raise the glasses and cut the cake: Today begins another year for Jo Spanglemonkey to continue being adorable, peppery and totally brilliant.
“Reality continues to ruin our lives.”
She ran so late that she was often a day off; her friends secretly planned for it.
“Quillectomy” is how the vet justified billing $300 for 30 seconds work using his pliers on the nose of my dog, Rover.
Phlebotomy was a career path never considered by the young man, busy as he was dutifully building his umiaq.
“Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny is ...,” said Mrs. Simonson, pausing for effect and carefully choosing her words so as not of overly shock her audience of young high school biology students, “a giant load of horse-poop.”
Never one for unbridled optimism, she scowled him out of her office muttering exasperatedly, “Bozo!”
Buying maintenance chemicals for a hot tub when the air outside is actually hotter than the tub.
Microbiologically speaking, I find bacteria to be easier to work with and less noisy than most children.
Someone spiked my fruit cup.
There’s always something more to do.
Juan laughed as he secretly watched the cops chop down and cart off his late-summer decoy crop of marijuana, knowing while the cops would soon be selling the dope out of the evidence room that the real value was the saffron crocus bulbs just below the surface which would soon be sprouting unmolested and unshaded in the autumn sun.
I was the only reporter who managed to sneak into the huge “pep rally” where Google employees were told their stock options were worthless.
Instead of “siblings” they should call them “arguers.”
“The mix of eggs, oil and garlic is pejoratively referred to as ‘mayonnaise with garlic.’”
Every time someone mentioned Obama’s “Stimulus Package” his eyes inevitably wandered to the president’s crotch.
The effort required to maintain any sort of positive relationship with my mother is inversely proportionate to the value to me of doing so.
“I’m sick and tired of her always being happy,” Negative Bob told his therapist; “Someone really needs to do something about it.”
If we’re not together, you have no reason to “do right” by me…
Dip any veggie in bacon grease and the kids will eat them with no complaints.
Watching the wasp nest being built on our back porch light is almost as painfully compelling as poking a new bruise.
Many people comment how cool the apartments are on such a hot day, even without air conditioning, but occasionally someone will say something like, ‘I can’t live in a sweatbox.’
“Sure I love lying to children,” Negative Bob told his therapist, “and I’d do it a whole lot more often if telling them ‘no’ wasn’t so much fun.”
100 degrees fahrenheit seems a lousy time to take up jogging outside.
Most teachers don’t teach the correct usage of the word “ironic,” in fact, most don’t KNOW the correct usage.
Lube is the answer when the question involves a small hole and a very large yam.
Kids are sticky and they smell funny.
“Aren’t you supposed to wear the back-support belt *before* you hurt your back?”
After all this time together I am relieved you finally put away your merry widow and have been coming to bed in a white tank top and flannel lounge pants because that’s the girl I fell in love with, the girl who sometimes is so exhausted her head hits the pillow, hair still damp and a little dab of cucumber mask behind the ear.
“Listen up, nimrod: Anyone who has a panic attack just because she saw a skunk in her garage doesn’t deserve to live in a beautiful place like this; why don’t you just move back to some cubicle-sized apartment in some anonymous concrete jungle of a city, and leave the Valley of Heart’s Desire to those who have the intestinal fortitude for it?”
How can so much evil and depravity, and so much love and kindness, be contained within one species?
Rufus thinks Sarah Palin’s next logical step will be to pose tastefully nude for Playboy, but my friend Schuster says he’s afraid the former-governor’s airbrush artists are already too hard at work covering up her political mistakes to worry about fixing up the rest of her.
Sometimes after a night of no good, Rufus is too tired to ask his mom to cook breakfast, but my friend Schuster is never too tired to make him do it.
Ripping the cellophane from the Fall textbooks will definitely be the highlight of my week!!!
well; 2nd aint last.
But what do you do if it isn’t brown?
Online dating is hell, but it beats hanging out in bars.
Though I feel horrible for flooding your apartment, I also feel it is perfect revenge that you suffered more damage than I…Next time you’ll think about keeping me up until 5am.
A big apple.
Over the years Joe had made plenty of mixes for plenty of women, or, gave plenty of women the same mix as it were, so it came as somewhat of a relief that his beautiful wife didn’t come along when he went to his twenty-fifth high school reunion, where the topic of conversation eventually turned to music.
I know I asked for a ride, but I want off this wagon RIGHT NOW!
k, u n-o r-e d p-l, d m-k-e e e-t p-l.
“Oh wow! If you eat enough cherries, not only will the killer gas you suffer smell of rotten cherries, but so will your diarrhea,” observed Vanessa.
McDonalds offers a new grease-covered brick meal for those who admire honesty in advertising.
“Jackassery will only be tolerated while you’re wearing the ‘Pay no attention, I’m a jackass’ smock.”
Knowing all the words of the U.S. Constitution will not help you pick up girls, at least not the ones you’re thinking about.
he yelled, stepping out from behind the bar and swatting at the old drunk in the corner with his dirtiest rag.
Goliard’s return makes me very happy.
All she wanted was a house where half the living room was not cut off by a sheet of plastic; where she could listen to music for more than 45 seconds before somebody turned a compressor on; and where the construction crew didn’t accidentally lean on the doorbell more than three times in an afternoon.
Please think all possible good, headache-free, nothing-scary-on-the-CAT-scan-or-in-the-bloodwork thoughts for Bunni.
I am a punctuation anarchist.
Working at home would be nice at times.
When delays are good, you can celebrate longer.
I can feel what knowledge I have left slowly dribbling from my ears.
Joe simply looked at the black go stones in his bowl, and then at the 19 X 19 board in front of him utterly transfixed.
The first phase of the human to robot replacement experiment started at the DMV; no one noticed.
The chief stopped working for no one, but finally came to a stop after sweating to death a total of ten times.
that keith stopped hugging the duck, and started writing again (that would cheer me up).
Having sent my resume to about 20 different email addresses, I catch a glaring clerical error that ought to have the hr’s laughing their asses off. me? i’m just this side of cryin.
As inspired by: Br. Ezra's Scrine Noir
You’d better wean him; he’s old enough.
If you call them fun bags, hoohas, taytas, sweater puppies, or anything similarly ridiculous, then you forfeit your right to touch them.
At 26, I’m begining to worry about the effects of gravity.
I like it that my lawyer is just as confused as I am; it’s validating.
Thanks to my disability, when I try to walk upstairs without a handrail I look like a cross between a baby velociraptor and bambi on ice.
The hungry ghosts of Noel Coward and Oscar Wilde still pour a libation of Scotch out for their fallen comrade John Cheever every May 27 even though he declines to join them.
If you’d like some capsulets of stallion desire, my spam folder is the place for you!Q
telling me i have a new private message and then not letting me see it…
Her name was Tits LaRue and she blew into my office like a sultry wind before a midsummer hail storm her ample bosom spilling over the neckline of her shirt -twin air bags deployed on sudden impact –and I knew instantly my life was about to become as complicated as a 42 car pile up on the 405.
The.. uh…. misses and I.. are.. well, we’re not a “we” anymore.
I hear tell that an underwater earthquake has caused a giant google wave to head our way.
In “Things We Said Today,” the song briefly goes from a minor key to a major key, then goes back again.
A cat with a sense of humor is a terrible thing indeed.
In bed.
just got told by a future female classmate about how she sometimes drinks and though, nah, not for me - I wouldn’t hit it.
Normally tattoos don’t come singly.
Because of our society, a Brian Wilson-Bjork romantic relationship would almost be acceptable.
In an effort to display her raging and, some would say, borderline disturbing amount of support for a team named after the mythical Jackalope, the cheerleader kicked things off by screeching her directive for the crowd to, “GIMME A ‘J’!!!!!!”
Therapy is the modern confessional, and pill-taking the absolution.
In the effort to be thrifty, I shopped a sale catalog, but because there was no rush I didn’t hurry… and now they’re out of my daughter’s size in the color she wants.
I just hacked my kindle 2 in order to be able to replace the screen saver with one that says “Don’t Panic!” with the hitchhiker’s thumb.
Jan Van de Boer worried that undefining the duck would result in his third strike.
The engineering genius of the Swedish can be seen plainly in their dominance of the throw your tool box across the room furniture industry.
“If you’re such a genius then why is using your name such an insult?” Schrodinger’s cat asked Einstein as he busily assembled his new mail order bookcase.
Julianne started believing in god the day after she and her beau had the biggest fight, which was, as “coincidence” would have it, national ice cream day.
The fact that there were no sinks or toilets in that particular building did not stop the chief from leaning hard into the morning, his vacuum cleaner in hand.
All that Fred wanted from life was a woman who could make him frozen toast for breakfast.
Sure, you’ve broken up, but when is the right time to update your facebook status without being rude?
A good friend is someone who visits your house without pointing out that between your personal demeanor, your grown-out haircut and your messy, messy house, you’re starting to remind him of sandbox-era Brian Wilson.
Hello Saturday: magical day of endless coffee, unlimited internet, meals on demand, then wine all evening long.
I don’t feel so bad when I rip movies off of DVDs from RedBox instead of the ones that I get from the library.
You’re complimented so much, that you’ve become a bit too conceited.
John’s plans ended with getting her onto the air mattress, because he figured that the natural sliding together that happens whenever on such a bed would be enough of a sign.
So, baby, just divide me by zero, and you won’t know where I’m coming from.
I’m matter and she’s anti-matter, and I love to make him squirm when talking about her.
Sometimes you don’t need friends in Australia to tell you the future.
I don’t understand why I am expected to buy gifts for weddings…Isn’t finding someone that thinks they can tolerate you for the rest of your life gift enough?
Polly knew her life was important when she began recieving unlisted phone calls from a state she’d never visited.
I’m fat!
I thought it was just your basic prepackaked Italian sub, but when I opened it three little sandwiches on mini buns slid out onto my plate.
The whole time you have been talking I have been staring at your boobs.
Please excuse the mispost, and have a nice day.
My house is a pest hole that sucks all hope out of life.
Kitchen cabinets are triksy little devils; always moving the cinnamon grinder when you need it.
Abscess makes the farts go honda.
Tammy wondered why her boss consistently dropped technologically impossible projects on her desk at 4:30 with sweet little post-its asking for completion by close of business; “I’ll close your business all right,” she thought.
Assuming that I had a clone, would he have the same social?
Ron, the arts management director for some advertising firm or another, tended to stray away from cliché‘s, both in the workplace and in his personal life, so it came as no surprise to him when, instead of the traditional “it’s not you, it’s me,” he said things like: “you’re an awful bitch,” “I should have listened to my mother,” (which is really only a cliche for females) and, a personal favorite, “I don’t love you, never did,” but always seemed surprised, at least, when he found out the hard way which one of his mistresses had taken a self defense class.
In truth, the pinky toe does nothing for you, but be advised, when you start “cutting corners,” so to speak, because weigh-in is tomorrow, that the pinky toe may carry more “weight” with Rupert, that guy in the corner office whom you’ve had your eye on.
There was no place to hold on in his subway car that would give him anything more than, well, moral support, so Tourist Tom tried to make due with what he had, which amounted to nothing more than a fancy about himself and two of his fellow passengers.
I was so mad I threw a baseball through the roof of the barn, leaving a perfectly round hole in the wood and shingles that seemed to stare back at me, unblinking, indifferent to me and my subconscious anger.
John the Doorman often objected loudly when family members refered to his employment as a knobjob.
The men standing in line waiting to purchase their smokes and beer rustled like pussy willows in a delicate breeze as the young woman reeking of floral aromas and sex walked briskly to the cooler in the back of the store, her hips swaying gently suggesting that she was ready to get nasty but not with you.
If life is short, as so many claim, how is it that the individual days seem so long?
There’s nothing stupider than a stupid cat, unless, come to think of it, it’s a stupid dog.
“Haberdasher, ‘tis no hat thou offendeth, but mine pet succubi!”
Patrick had a hard time telling if the air was thick with deception and trickery, or if was just the beet plant down the road; the two, he’d decided years ago, smelled an awful lot alike.
‘GADZOOKS’, cried the haberdasher, ‘Thine hat looketh so hideous that mine spleen is wracked with bowel-crushing anguish!’
Imagine her surprise to discover that her echocardiogram did NOT involve singing, echoing or card-delivering.
Stare at the black screen and contemplate life.
What does Snoop Dogg use to keep his underwear sparkling white?
Fallopian tubes are not something that are to be stuffed with ricotta cheese, then baked for thirty minutes in a 350-degree oven, followed by the addition of a nice pesto/tomato sauce for that extra flavor-ific zing.
The gums never lie.
There are bags of cat food that weigh less than my new nephew.
Just don’t tell me it’s decaf, so I can benefit at least from the placebo effect.
You are the dental floss to my popcorn.
All of these fine points of Constitutional law are very interesting, but one wonders how much more interesting they would have been in the spring—say, *before* the Con Law final.
The best things about aging are the extra hair and the new body landscaping.
After five thirty you stop pretending to go to sleep, and instead turn your attention on waking yourself up by any means necessary.
Are you going to kiss me, or am I going to have to lie on my blog?
The Devil loved Vegas, but hated how much it made his jaw ache from all the smiling.
On Monday morning the rain stopped, allowing the delivery men to haul the truckload of appliances and the parking lot full of mud into the new apartments in relative comfort.
I would refrain from taking any writing tips, lest even a simple thank-you note turn into Criswell’s opening monologue from Plan 9 from Outer Space; on the other hand, I would not hesitate to ask if I could borrow that absolutely smashing angora sweater.
The chief enjoyed being the only resident of the entire apartment complex and spent his free time imagining ways to convince the owners that renters were an unnecessary part of their plan to get richer.
Watching the budget follies in her new home state (i.e. games of chicken among the governor, the legislature and the banks that will no longer honor I.O.U.s) and her old home state (i.e. “we’re the majority!” “no, we’re the majority!” “well, we’re locking you in and keeping the gavel!” “well, we have our own key AND our own gavel!”), Bronwyn couldn’t help but be nostalgic for the state of her birth, where state senators accused state court judges of trying to run them over in parking lots, where state reps insisted that it was physically impossible for pregnancy to result from rape, and where, to date, only one public official committed suicide during a press conference.
Sometimes the only quiet in my week is spent staring blankly at the computer.
“We are getting over 1 million calls a day at EDD.”
[Edit: EDD = California’s Unemployment Office]
I’m pretty sure Eli Lilly would be out of business if we’d just issue a copy of Nick Lowe’s Basher collection to everyone and make ‘em listen every morning.
Eeney meenie peppideeni ooh walla walla meenie (I don’t remember what this even means).
I want the biggest BEST purple brandywines, and I want them all the time!
I’m hoping my lawyer serves a nice chardonnay and plays bridge.
Sure you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar, but a rotting corpse is best of all.
When you walk into the bar and the first thing you see is the bartender face down in a stack of bar napkins.
I like my food to talk me into eating it, to convince me of it’s hidden delights and, at the end, leave me smiling mysteriously.
It’s the opossum life for me!
I told her her face didn’t need makeup because it’s already beautiful enough, which caused an epic eyeroll and face distortion, whereupon I rethought my point of view.