If a guy offers to walk six miles in the middle of the night to give you a large hug and a kiss as one final romantic gesture before your long-term relationship is ended by a 700-mile distance, and expects nothing from you in return, you’d say yes, right?
Henry didn’t consider himself homeless, just a man between homes, and to keep himself happy applied this same style of thinking to beer, women, and hot showers.
Wouldn’t it be crazy if experts on Mayan history hold a press conference on the morning of December 21st, 2012, and suddenly Ashton Kucther pops out and yells ‘Punk’d!’?
Adverbs can modify adjectives to add oomph to any clause, such as ‘the audaciously rancid movie’ or ‘the exquisitely prodigious boob’.
While it isn’t very popular right now I am still a Marxist, and I have seen Sarah Palin naked!
He loved the way she scratched her elbows.
As Noah’s assistant, it was John’s duty to tell all of the “feed” animals that they were not needed for the eventual repopulation of the earth as they had been lead to believe, and that instead their job instead was to make sure that all of the chosen two did not starve.
Although she drove the Zamboni as fast as possible, it didn’t corner well and tended to overheat in the summer sun.
Though I am am not personally qualified to do so, I warn you that my associate, Mr. Chimp, has his doctorate in sociology, and, having studied under Jane Goodall, is perfectly prepared to go ape shit on your ass at the drop of a dime.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him buy a quality timepiece at a discount price just by spamming his email account, and you certainly can’t make him click on a link that promises a bigger penis because, well, for starters, horses are smarter than that, and secondly, he’s a horse, if you know what I mean.
If your vegan wife’s arms become bony and excessively thin, try using them to open the daily mail; she’ll appreciate the attention.
She avoided wearing low cut shirts not because she was worried about appearing promiscuous but because he liked to see how many M&Ms he could throw in there from across the room.
Future Misses ‘789s are required to take lessons in how to correctly say goodbye.
I’ll never turn on the tv to see one of your infomercials again, oh Billy Mays, why did you have to go?
The boy who couldn’t stop dreaming never once dreamed of watches or clocks, which made him very happy.
It was no jet plane, but the chief had no trouble thinking don’t know when I’ll be back again as the U-Haul truck pulled away from the curb.
Rufus thinks that he may turn out to be nothing more than repressed fear, and my friend Schuster thinks he may be nothing more than repressed anger; I’m not sure I agree with them, but since there’s a good chance I’m nothing more than repressed ideas, I better not take a firm stand on this one.
The heat made sitting in one place difficult, as body parts adhered to one another improperly.
My life is turning out to be nothing more than one continuous stream of people busting into the room to spoil my good time.
I don’t care what it is, one step ahead of the anything isn’t much of a cushion.
If there is a difference between herding 40 cats and four ten year olds I don’t know it.
Maggie found very talkative people fascinating and befriended them by the dozen, so her parties were always quite loud and competitive.
The succulent joy of words is neither illegal nor expensive, but it is as joyous as the delectable consumption of sweet, sticky honey, dripping from your lover’s fingers.
Various sources on the Internet state that in 1856, Englishmen, Healey and Allen, received a patent for the first corrugated or pleated paper, which was used to line tall men’s hats; I have not, however, found any information on what was used to support the hats of the short men.
“None of these match!”
Athrob, Balzac cursed.
“You only signed up for housing in the spring, and must reapply.. good luck.”
‘Zebras are little more than monochromatic horses with no personality and zero social skills’, muttered the surly alpaca.
Contrary to popular belief and despite their thick skin, armadillos are actually very sensitive animals who take all insults, deliberate or those made merely in jest, personally and will hold grudges until their dying day.
I am an appellate-brief-drafting machine; watch my smoke.
Bronwyn used think that the phrase “my heart hurts” to convey heartbreak was a poetic turn of phrase; this stopped the day she received her first echocardiogram.
Today is not a good day for the famous.
One of the uninsurable conditions Margaret had was a third eye in the center of her forehead, mostly because of the recurring infections and not simply because of the unusual glasses it required.
Henry didn’t consider himself homeless, just a man between homes, and to keep himself happy applied this same style of thinking to beer, women, and hot showers.
I’ve never eaten dog or played poker with one although I’d like to do both someday, but not both with the same dog since that would make me sad, unless, of course, he’d cleaned me out at the table.
“Don’t worry, that’s not the smell of death emanating from your neighbor’s house,” explained Lt. Sorrel to the people gathered in the street, “We checked and they’re Australian—you’re smelling their Vegemite.”
Veronica’s new stepmother was younger than her, but her new step-sister was older than Veronica’s child so at least the aunt-neice thing didn’t get upside down… at least not yet, as fertile years remained.
As long as Washington State keeps sending me Rainier cherries, I’ll forgive them for kicking me out of the state.
I get told multiple times a month i look like steve buscemi; yeah, thanks; and the time Scarlet Johanason told me, she followed it up with;“some girls think he’s really cute;” who in the hell thinks THAT guy is cute, god help us all; right?
I don’t care what else the Palm Pre can do, it streams Scrine Radio any time any where.
Henry knew he should brush his teeth more often, the same way he knew he shouldn’t steal or drink beer or fantasize about his wife’s sister, but life was short, he reminded himself, too short to even contemplate a world where a sister-in-law wasn’t turned on by a fat man with bad breath.
The chief promised many things, but pursuit of happiness was not one of them if it meant the sound of your running bothered your downstairs neighbor.
She watched the truck pour cement through the basement window, a big smile on her face and not an ounce of guilt to be found anywhere.
Thank goodness to the internet, because without it, I’d still be tying a four in the hand knot, and the windsor is so much more badass.
As far as I know, the taste of coffee revolts me, and though it has no effect on my body whatsoever I am yearning for a hot cup with one creamer, and three packs of sugar, but alas, the coffee pot sustained major damage when it hit the ground.
Another day, another dollar that is going to sit in my bank account for about thirty seconds before it goes out to either rent or gas or electric or Bank of America.
Though I am glad you found me in a time where I def need someone to agree, I feel a little violated.
“If it’s your name, ‘Hi, I’m Randy,’ is a stupid pickup line that’s never going to work,” pointed out Helen, “and if it’s not your name, just… ick.”
Since I reached age 40 I finally understand why my father kept pushing me to become a doctor “so I could prescribe him good drugs,” and now I am pushing my kids to go to med school for exactly that same reason.
Instead of 50:50 custody of the children or maybe alternate weekends and Wednesday overnight visits with the children after divorce, Vanessa proposed a new model where she’d see her husband and consider herself “married” on such a schedule and not be bothered by him and be free/single the rest of the time.
Feeling obnoxiously OCD, Juan scrined zealously at 12:00.
Mr. Jennings, the 8th-grade science teacher, was not at all amused when, for the third year in a row, he found a parakeet left on his desk by the graduating class and it suddenly occured to him that this was not a cute reference to his lectures on flight, but was the kids’ way of giving him “the bird” as they graduated to high school.
It’s all I can do to stop myself from screaming at my friend who keeps asking me, “How come my Chinese money trees keep dying, what can I do to make them thrive?” that she might consider trying to *not* spend her poor husband into alcoholism and early death before she kills yet another innocent tree.
She sent her avatar on a first date and it returned late, disheveled, lipstick crooked and fishnet stockings with holes.
A person can place their faith in many things, spending time and emotional capital on the search for whatever it is that sits in the ether waiting on our demise, but I’ve found that of all the things in which I’ve placed my own faith, only gravy has consistently satisfied.
According to what I heard on TV yesterday, in Oregon it is apparently not against the law for a witness to lie to the police, so today if I have time I will ask the governor to change the state motto to The Storyteller’s State.
I find showering, combing my hair, eating, and bowel movements a complete waste of time, proving absolutely that one day I will be some nursing home’s most dreaded customer.
The phone rang so much that the ringing wore the chief’s ear down to a nub and his glasses fell off; several residents filled out work orders, stating that the chief’s missing ear was ugly and detracted from the property, and also, their toilet was plugged and could he take care of that before he did something about the ear.
I’m not used to places that turn from sunny to rainy to sunny in an hour or less.
Even though you think the odd hours of the plane flight convinces your body that things are the same, they’re truly different anyway.
With unintended irony, Dr. Doom today predicted a “W” shaped, double-dip recession.
A big ol’ bulging bag of creativity and good old fashioned elbow grease landed heavily on the porch, leaking out into the lawn before anyone could pick it up.
Dr. Richard Weiner-Johnson, M.D. (Urology)
Henry could never resist any dare and he found himself easily goaded into running naked through Sunflower Market on red tag day (the 5th of Stolies helping his courage) hoping that he would win that $50.00 from his buddies before the burly policeman chasing him power tackled him in the Cactus aisle, but his friends were counting on his unfortunate ability to lose everything he ever tried and were looking forward to attending his trial and cracking jokes from the jury box.
Oh sure, summer finally arrives and the temperature plummets to 65F, just to ensure that any plans involving waterslides are well and truly sacked.
My first act as Queen of the Universe will be to make singing in the car compulsory; vocal coaches will be hired by high schools to assure quality.
When bathing your house giraffe, it’s very easy to forget to wash behind its ears, so always do that first.
“Damn it,” the chief yelled,” someone has filled my watch with molasses!”
I’ve whittled my wooden head with great care, but I’m afraid I’ll never be a real man.
Just like last year, I’m very excited to be at work on Father’s Day.
Thanks to my large and buoyant wooden head, I manage to stay afloat during these economically troubled times.
I’ve invented a new kind of pressboard that’s made out of unopened bills, which makes excellent coffin wood or squeak-free floor joists for soon-to-be repossessed dream homes; I’d mail you a brochure but I’ve used them all to build myself a more practical wooden head.
Fruit leather shoes will make your feet smell sweet, but whatever you do, don’t stand still near the anthill.
I dread the day that the apples and oranges in the fruit drawer of my refrigerator finally declare war.
Mayor Truddle became quite unpopular, on account of his newly implemented syntax.
Unlike most aquatic birds, it is thought that decedents of The Duck have the ability to make their own bread because oftentimes they float around paying no mind to any grain lobbed their way, though no one has ever caught a Misses The Duck in an apron, yet.
She wondered if there were some sort of tablet she could take to cure her creative constipation.
I’m just the average of my parents.
Bronwyn’s relief at being assigned to write an appellate brief on behalf of the good guys evaporated quickly when she realized that said good guys did not have the law on their side, and the odds of her winning the case on their behalf were very, very long.
Edit: While the appeal itself is fictional, the relief, and the ensuing dread, are not.
Yes, indeed the prime minister WAS thinking about X-rated pigeons during his flight to Fez.
When my cat wouldn’t let me pet him then jumped off the deck railing and walked toward me a little too fast, I had a flashback of his mother and quickly ran into the house.
As inspired by: http://killingwonder.blogspot.com/2009/06/dont-stop-me-now-im-having-such-good.html
It’s been all warm-but-OK temperatures so far but TODAY when I walked outside, Humidity smacked me in the face and called me its bitch—Rude—anyway, I eventually came back inside and made out with the AC and I feel better now. [edited for punctuation to avoid a Scrine violation]
For breakfast Keith ate two buttery lies and an ice cold fable, or maybe that’s what he fed his son, nobody knows for sure.
I told my kids (10 and 14) they’re on their own this summer and can do whatever they want as long as they come home most nights and the police never call.
Tell us what scares you.
A little bit dropped on his t-shirt.
Charlie hoped that his priest would be able to condone the usage, and eventual clogging of a handicapped bathroom, because, well, he just couldn’t hold it.
Steve “The Early Bird” Smith was surprised when he got crap instead of worms.
there needs to be more scrine stuff in the store.
You have the power to get everything you’ve every hoped for and wanted, but it will be a lot more work than you had expected.
I saved a beetle from a certain watery death, only stomp on it from fear of it’s huge pincers!
The cashier asked me if I was 21—old enough to buy the beer—so I told him he could cut me in half and both pieces would still be old enough to buy beer, except, I added, depending on how he sliced me and considering the wallet issue, one half probably wouldn’t have any money and couldn’t afford beer.
...nor is anyone else.
Arriving in Heaven, Henry was surprised to find out that his 82 years on Earth had been nothing more than a prison sentence for jaywalking near the pearly gate the first time he’d arrived; what surprised him even more, however, was finding out his wife was back on Earth doing time for angelic prostitution.
29 years ago this summer, when I was 13, two paths diverged at a Greyhound bus station and I, I took the one away from my home, and that has made all the difference.
Mimsy, my latest invention, won’t cure your gas, but it will make your farts smell exactly like Dove soap.
I realized we were really, truly better off as “just friends” when I talked to her about wanting to wait until marriage.
Ya know; people contact me on those social networking sites and i look at the pictures to figure them out, just who’n the “f” they are an what not; did i fuck them; did I fuck their girlfriends; were we drunk buddies, crushes, missed encounters, old band mates what not; and at the end of the day and the end of their photo album, streams, pages, whatever; don’t they all just look the f’n same; or am i just some ungrateful forgetful prick?
Was a good man with a heart fit for ten men and a sense of humour that will outlast his beautiful, long life.
I have slowly come to the realization that everything I thought I was as a young man…I’m not.
I rest easy at night, knowing that the Baptist hound still bays for my soul.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Pastor Bob laughed to his date across the table, “I thought you’d asked me how I liked my steak; no, when it comes to a wife, I’d like one as plain as a pair of Mother Theresa underpants.”
At first my dentist felt guilty for running off with my wife and gave me pretty good discounts, but after a couple of months had passed and he saw what he was up against, he started charging me double.
Fifteen minutes on Wikipedia has given me far more thorough and more helpful medical information than two appointment with two so-called doctors at Kaiser who were absolutely half-assed in their approach to even the most basic of issues.
because every time I pay her a visit she starts conversation off with a seemingly playful “you know, if you don’t brush your teeth women won’t want to kiss you,” then promptly rolls behind my chair, and moves forward, shoving my head between her unbraed breasts so that she can see my mouth.
Here, put this tab on your tongue…
Going to meet my ex-husband for coffee; hard to know what to wear.
As inspired by: Jo's We Live in a Society
Flossing cleans between your teeth better, which makes you have fewer cavities, which in turn means less of a need for professional dentistry; I explain the unintended consequences of flossing to my dental hygienist every six months, but still she harrasses me.
As inspired by: Br. Ezra's The Persian Flintstones
When challenged, President Bush said it was incorrect to call his extensive military actions in the Middle East a “New Crusade,” since he really didn’t care about their religion, he just wanted them to start using names that “don’t sound stupid and that normal people can pronounce.”
Hold my toaster you tiny hamster.
I found myself back pedaling yesterday when called on the carpet for referring to the disputed leader of Iran as Yabbadabbadoohead – it seems that I came across as a racist, but as I explained its simply because he bears a slight resemblance to Fred Flintstone…okay so all Middle Eastern names sort of sound like that to me (but mostly its because he looks like Fred Flintstone.
Instead of offering “a reminder about grammar rules,” I wish my Professor would simply say something realistic…Such as: This is not the major for you.
I get nothing done every day.
As inspired by: Keith's Schwarzschild Radius? Curse You, Duck!
Baby, I seem to have stumbled into you schwarzschild radius, and you’d have to run at the speed of light to escape me now.
Logistically speaking, my ideas are fools for getting trapped inside my head.
Joanne couldn’t tell anyone at her middle school that her family’s wealth had come from her father’s patent on a solution to eyebrow dandruff.
Brushing your teeth is for everyone else, just like your funeral or your turn signals.
Eleanor Roosevelt felt rather positively about beer.
Somedays it feels as though I’m a donkey, just trudging along, with my undergraduate riding on my back holding a stick with grad school tied to the end, dangling in front of my eyes: I keep going, occasionally lifting my head to try to get that carrot…Ahem, grad school…But no matter how fast I walk, I just can’t seem to reach it.
One day God simply wasn’t there, his brief note on the fridge door reading only: I was your polyester friend, you’ll do fine without me.
‘Interesting, 90% of the universe is missing’, remarked Einstein as he leafed casually through the latest issue of The Great Courses Catalog, which prompted Schrodinger’s cat to wheel out the whiteboard and perform some quick calculations – ‘see here’, the cat said as he scribbled fanatically, the dry erase marker squeaking with urgency, ‘if this is true then we might postulate that the drier in our laundry room creates a vortex via static charge pulling our socks into a heretofore undiscovered wormhole and into this missing part of the universe҅Einstein nodded, although he thought the theory somewhat dubious but was willing to test it out by dumping the cat’s litter box into the drier to see what would happen.
“You’re not as funny as you wish you were.”
Spammers, hackers and all manner of evil neer-do-well who send worms and viruses out across the internet should have their fingers chopped off and mouths sewn shut.
Recent studies suggest breast fed babies score higher grades in high school and on college placement tests - conversely, exposure to breasts upon admission into college results in a decrease in overall grade point average among those same breast fed babies.
Note to self: When putting a spoon in a blender to scrape the sides, be warned that it may just blow up in your face.
She only read books with heroes in them, feeding her obsession with good and evil.
The longer I sit here in my desk chair at work, the tighter my belt feels.
I’m just minding my own business when I look down and find that all of my lucky charms marshmallows are MINIATURE lucky charms marshmallows!!
No one in the corporate office knew that the chief’s new position with the company came with an invisible DJ hat.
Children are to patience as nations are to politics.
My life is simply a string of those bathrooms with funky tiles that don’t seem to have a pattern, only the tiles are people, and I seem to be constipated with nothing better to do but stare and figure them out.
As far as housing goes, I’m partial to the angles in modern architecture, but aside from that, I’m a curves man.
Though I can’t remember exactly why I painted my nails, I will assume, and tell you all that my manhood was challenged, and I had to rise to the call.
... nothing more than a series of differently shaped boxes.
It is for living, not for living out in the wrong sized box.
There are inherent troubles with wanting to have a meaningful conversation at one in the morning.
When the police arrived at my doorstep earlier today they looked appalled when I told them of a big rusty bird who, it seemed, had a few bent wings, which prompted them to call animal control, who upon my mention of dangling modifiers transfered me to the doorstep of a local community college’s english department, where I was enrolled initially for class or two, and eventually became a crotchety old english teacher who occasionally had a word or two bouncing around his head with nowhere to go.
Operator, my inkwell has run dry and I can’t make new Scrines!
As inspired by: The rather excellent Scrines of late.
All frivolous questions aside, do you allow Scrining at work?
A good sixteen years with little kids living in my house (yes, there are five ranging from 3 to 16) has taught me one thing: make your point BEFORE you say yes.
The cruelty of my imagination surpasses my capacity for reality; powerlessness is the worst of it.
Have to start adding first person singular pronouns to my online senten…whoops…
I’m proud to be an Okie from Facebookokey.
Mom always said that the early bird got the worm, but what is in it for me?
When the bands Haddaway and Faith No More decided to team up, their first venture was to combine their songs What Is Love and Epic respectively, deciding that the chorus would go thusly: “it’s love, what is it?”
I’m offering an internship in shuffling children around by car, doing dishes, and feeding angry cats; applicants must supply references and cover letter explaining interest and qualifications.
I’ve driven every street in this town and still couldn’t tell you where the Canadian embassy is located.
If you toss the plastic bag with the last tamale in it into the microwave on high for a minute without removing the wire twist-tie you can get a pretty impressive fire going in very little time at all.
Next time I misspell, I’ll replace my f’s with t’s to even things out.
We thought we heard hail a couple of nights ago, but it was only the fireworks from a graduation celebration.
Unfortunately, it does not have an ethanol option.
Rounding the corner, besieged by a formless-yet-powerful rage kicking about in her mind, she found an abandoned stiletto-heeled pump and a table display of overripe cantaloupes, and nearly wept from relief and happiness.