“Of course, printing is not research; you must actually read and analyze the sources you have found.”
I have not attended mass scrining in several days now.
Dream in which written words on a page have no relation to each other, and make no sense, check; dream in which my mother calls me on the phone and I realize midway through the conversation that I’ve been asleep for half of it and have missed something crucial, check; dream in which I run around the freshman dorm at my undergraduate university and all of the rooms have chandeliers and cabbage-rose wallpaper, and I have no idea why I’m there, check: Yep, I can say with perfect certainly that school starts tomorrow.
In my defense, there wasn’t a nice little bar on my screen that was ticking down the percents when I exited out of the program.
She was haunted by the ghosts of all the barnyard animals, but that haunting was a vast improvement over the ghostly grains and legumes who used to gather by the side of the bed and moan plaintively, before she opted for a carnivorous lifestyle.
My parents are currently hiding a computer in their room for me!
Can’t wait for them to be uploaded, they are a very epic series!
98% of American doctors disapproved of early rock & roll music, but that approval rating changed dramatically after The Drifters used the word sacroiliac in a song.
When I learned that I hadn’t typed a sentence in several days, my fingers fell off and made quiet little plopping noises as they hit the floor, which disturbed the cat that I didn’t own and wasn’t there, a fact that would have caused me great concern if I hadn’t been totally amazed by the fact that I saw my fingers quickly grow back, which of course, never happened.
Ma cible est vrai.
All winter I mutter about not being able to ride my bike outside due to the weather (too snowy), only to begin muttering now about not wanting to ride my bike outside because of the weather (too hot).
This Sunny Day (cover) brought to you by the very useful Youtube-to-Mp3 converter tool Pam mentioned on her blog this morning.
It should not be this difficult to get up off the living room floor and make breakfast.
Help me with my fafsa? :D
I know better than to trust the guy in the red suit and I’ve never felt kindly towards the tooth-prying woman, so I wonder if some day the bunny with the chocolate will perform some nefarious deed to earn my distrust.
To slip ‘penchant’ into as many conversations as is seemly.
It seems I have a metaphysical penchant for violent baseball bat misuse.
The big noun-verb arguments ignore the motivational aspects of adjectives.
Wouldn’t your throat get irritated when you played that big horn?
The tragic end could pretty much be foretold when Debbie first argued to her best friend that if she could find a high enough launch site she could learn to fly on the way down, just like a baby bird does.
Albert was last in line when the superpowers were being handed out, and so he got the ability to sniff in the public restroom and know the health of all the people who’d been there recently (presumably he could also accomplish the same by sniffing butts, but he hesitated to try).
Dick Cheney’s cat bit him on the foot, revealing the robot parts inside.
Why I never assaulted her with a baseball bat when I had the chance, I’ll never know.
The Alaskan beat the Mongolian with an angel food recipe; sucks, i wish he would have given the clap in third.
But when I heard of a biscuit uprising, I groped under my desk for my shotgun.
“You’re fucking a goat?”
And then I listened to a song about Prince Harry that was not sung by Americans.
Let me know if the world starts making sense, will you?
Seven, count ‘em, seven plants are in the garden; seven more await planting; two, alas, are dying of what appears to be rust mite and will not make it to the garden; tomato trellises will be built next weekend, according to specs provided by the Master Gardeners of Santa Clara County; all around, meanwhile, the surrounding herbs and vegetables contribute to the cultural diversity of the neighborhood.
Her muse had teeth and a tail, and the payments were steep.
My Sirens live in a bottle.
I can’t tell if the sirens are coming from outside my window or inside my head, and I’m not sure which worries me more…
While we’re at it, I’m wondering if we could vote an exception to Commandment #10 to allow me to covet my neighbor’s 1959 Corvette.
Now we’ve got work to do.
After we broke up, he started giving me random crap from the house; the last box was glass bricks and dozens of pens.
I’ve fallen way behind and haven’t had the time to scrine; damn, I also said I wouldn’t use anymore words that have similar vowel patterns.
I have a pen fetish.
A good dog is one that protects his master even when he doesn’t feel good.
So, I’m gathering them into the same place (some I have to retype, or type for the first time), and not all are on this computer, scrine, the internet, in my bookshelves…
I’ve written probably about thirty or so poems in the past couple of months, but I’m having a bit of trouble locating them on my hard drive…
Polly would have preferred that the admirers’ identities stayed secret.
...Because all nations have a responsibility to me.
The mid-life crisis walked like a duck and quacked like a duck.
The living contradiction that I find in you keeps me together and tears me apart.
When the yoga instructor said, “Now we’re going to do the ‘downward dog,’” Josh was excited because he thought he was finally going to learn to lick himself like a dog, which was the whole reason he’d signed up for yoga and flexibility training in the first place.
You can take the Coloradan out of Colorado, by you can’t make us stop singing along when John Denver sings “Rocky Mountain High.”
Officially, it can be called a “picnic” when ants are present at the meal.
In my universe, there is a special circle in hell for those who call on your Craigslist ad for an item you’ve already priced exceedingly cheap (like 10% of retail cheap) and ask right at the beginning of the conversation, “Can you do better on the price?”
Would someone please tell Mr. Haygood that Mr. Idol is an invited guest?
Perhaps that’s what they REALLY said to Dan Rather.
That was the day that everyone went tulip-picking.
How I lived to be 42 without experiencing the joys of large-gauge pneumatic nail guns is a mystery to me.
Hands evolved from pincer like nubs people used to both tenderize the flesh they ripped from large dinosaurs, and to maneuver their outsized genitalia into blissful synchronization.
I am a veritable whirlpool of whupass for you.
“Yes, well, the whole ‘register your card online so that you can order things over the internet’ bit was BS on our part - that verification code doesn’t actually do shit.”
She failed creative writing class after persistently ending her stories with the phrase, “And then they were all eaten by bears.”
After downloading IE 8, I recieved a pop-up stating that I was using IE 6 and that my “browsing experience” would be greatly enhanced if I were to upgrade to IE 7; when attempting to redownload IE 7, I am only allowed access to IE 8.
Polly felt like the narrator in “The Yellow Wallpaper;” constantly crawling the same path of life, wearing marks on its baseboards.
Carry a large ladder - they will assume that you have a higher purpose, and will even stop you in the halls for little more than a smile.
The best thing about vacation is not having to make that &#$*! drive to school, imperiled by that fleet of SUVs and minivans driven by stressed-out mothers who are all running late.
I couldn’t feel my toes or my lips, but somehow everything seemed so much better this way.
Gee, if I wanted to be ignored, I would go back to blogging.
Shutting your mouth as I give you directions would be helpful, as would a little respect.
Though others of the species may not agree, we’re a weird breed.
My girlfriend is way too pretty for me.
Okay, true story, I must claim this back from from the Confessional as my own, “My first experience with a vagina was getting elbow-deep up inside a goat in order to turn a breech-birth kid; I consider it a minor wonder I ended up having normal relationships with goats and with vaginas and thankfully, never thereafter with goat vaginas.”
Broke but happy, the chief kicked off his vacation with an ice cold Rolling Rock.
If it benefits us both, am I really using you?
I wonder if I can knock out this exam in time to get home for a booty call from the ex.
The pungent odor of the geraniums was not altogether unpleasant.
“If it’s yellow, let it mellow; if it’s brown, flush it down.”
I’ve already tried the not-legal-on-fruit-trees-in-California chemicals without success, so does anyone have any other good advice for how to keep the leafcutter ants from eating all the tender buds and leaves off my citrus trees?
‘WO IST MEINE LUBE?!?!?!’, screamed the German porn star.
There is no easy way to eat a bicycle.
The picture of you that used to sit on my nightstand is now shoved in the back of my bureau.
I counted at least eight.
The mullet and handlebar mustache made quite the hit with the ladies.
I would have rather someone taken my TV, my furniture, my food, and my clothing than I would to have them steal my dog; what kind of person steals an animal?!
Living in a small town can be a bit boring; the only thing to do is drive around in an old police car and sing about organ repossession.
but a scrine before it’s wine in time makes a fine line between the mime and their pine; for the brine leaves us all thirsty for lime, or a sign of thine thoughts of mine.
The band of that name has been eligible for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame since 2000.
I learned about trypophobia today.
...then the seller needs to provide more information.
My older sister was upset when she found I was an atheist, but not as upset as I was when I found out my little sister hadn’t read all of the Harry Potter books.
Keith counted expected bonuses in his head, the money signs looking suspiciously like external drives.
I find Airborne to be a very effective remedy for mild hangovers.
It’s tempting to keep them home from school and spend the entire day watching Buffy episodes and eating popcorn.
23. Scrine while sick.
There seems to be an inordinate amount of it - couldn’t we put it to some use?
I’ll gladly pay you tomorrow for the student loan I spend today on donuts and beer.
Little Bear looked at the broken branches, the shredded birdnet and the bear footprints in the mud and realized the farmer was not going to blame the birds this time, but with a satisfied cherry-scented burp, he decided that was a problem to be dealt with next year.
Julia found it always made her nervous when she’d overhear her boyfriend chatting amiably with her husband.
The hour between 7:30 and 8:30 is twice as long as the 3 1/2 hours between 8:30 and noon.
She was thinking about being a more interesting person, but then, she doesn’t owe you anything, which is a relief, because she is busy.
The great thing about automatic sprinkler systems is the part about them being automatic, as in, no particular human attention or effort required; which is why when they’re not functioning, I start thinking seriously about concrete.
And the customer said to the waitress in a very snappy tone of voice, “Arent getting drinks part of your job?”
The label says I have to choose between excessive drinking and taking Tylenol.
Juan realized he might have a snoring problem when he dreamed his neighbor was working on his lawnmower at 3am.
@.@ Just what are you doing to that deer, Scrine?
Only have to make diner, a salad, clean up the house, take a shower, put a tux on, and pick up Ms. ‘789 before four.
Thank you.
Of the daffodils, of the purple coloured turtles, of the details of the tiny ladybugs, of the giddy laughter, of the pigtails in bright, red ribbons, of her vibrant, startling youth, then stand quietly with her and dream and wish for magic and stories.
Always calls me back, always offers me shelter, even when there isn’t rain.
Henrietta deserved better than the duck.
But, then, that is really the only way to correctly mate your judge.
My life flashed before my eyes.
After meeting the strange, toothless duck of a man that worked just across the street, Henry wondered if perhaps he wasn’t in the wrong neighborhood.
Please stop dicking around with me; I know that you have open admissions, so please just send me my acceptance letter so that I don’t go crazy.
Every Friday during lent the Young Men’s Catholic Association of Bacon Lovers gathered at the local grocery store’s small bathroom around a decrepit hand dryer (which had what appeared to be poo caked onto the side) to push the holiest of small metal buttons, and receive what they all most desired.
I wonder what advice, exactly, Mr. Bacon would give to an incredibly precise timepiece?
Maybe she’s with him to try to fix him; otherwise, it doesn’t make sense.
The only problem with eating durian—which is actually quite yummy—is that my hands, and probably my breath, smell like baby poop.
Imaginary Keith audaciously dropped his birch!
Scrine, stay away from my monkey!
Heroin Porkchop.
I swear; I’m NOT a F***king HIPPIE!
Sunday Pastor O’Rourke preached about the evils of abortion; Monday he donned a wide-brimmed hat and dark glasses and took his daughter to Planned Parenthood for one.
Pfizer has announced they’ll refill your viagra prescription for free if you get laid off.
In the future, there will be one perfect database with one perfect user, and the grand project will be fulfilled.
Traumatized by the fires and earthquakes in Southern California, my cousin moved to a place with killer blizards and tornados.
Just keep repeating to yourself: “It’s only the Constitution…it’s only the Constitution…it’s only the Constitution…”
“This is more than closing the barn door after the horses have gotten out, this is closing the barn door after the horses have gotten out, trotted over to the neighbor’s farm, forcibly bred with every single animal right down to the chickens, come back to your farm and burned your barn to the ground before setting out on an arson spree that would take them around the entire civilized world.”
Humbert had read many stories about fathers taking their sons to “professionals” to lose their virginity, but he thought it rather sad and unfair that there was no similar option for young women.
When Julia finally picked that fight and stomped out, Mike breathed a sigh of relief that technically he’d kept his promise that he wouldn’t be the one to leave her.
“She was my first love, or at least the earliest one I can still remember.”
“HOLY CRAP that’s HUGE!” she said when she saw Keith’s… music library.
When asked about the idea behind their new treat, the Betty Crocker C.E.O stated simply that “we wanted to show our consumers revenge is a dish best served either at room temperature or hot out of the oven.”
“We have carefully reviewed the nude photos of Miss California… some of the pictures were lovely.”
He liked to spend a few quality minutes every morning standing outside the ladies’ room and drinking coffee from a cup sporting the phrase ‘THAT GUY’ with an arrow pointing upward.
Beer has a lot more calories than Ativan, but you can’t burp the alphabet with anxiolytics.
He moved to Hollywood California; to become a transvestite, and not a very good one, at that.
Original thought would be far more popular if only there were somebody to act as an original thinker that the populace could follow.
Having viewed photographs of genital herpes and crabs, every seventh grade student in Ms. Crew’s Family Life class took spontaneous vows of celibacy.
“Why, of course I’m ready for the Con Law final,” said Bronwyn, opting not to mention that earlier that morning, she couldn’t figure out how to turn her radio off.
It would be a lot easier to spread misinformation via the Scwiki if it wasn’t for this other association between a completely different Pitcairn (cool auto-gyro, which she flew) and my friend Amelia.
Resources dwindle, egos expand and contract, while lawyers attempt intervention.
If a package carrying music left Salem, OR by truck traveling north at 55mph Friday evening, it changed direction in Portland at 3:56a.m. Saturday, and it passed back south through Roseburg, OR at 3:05 a.m. Monday, still traveling at 55 mph, would it be delivered in the Bay Area on Tuesday, and if so, at what time?
Julia was afraid the dream of the baby on the cutting board and the giant cleaver was a sign.
I am drowning and in need of someone to swim me to shore, but what kind of person is a willing savior to those that aren’t sure they want to be saved?
Cat massage and dog consolation are among my superior talents.
I realized that I’ve been away from nature too long when, on a late-night bike ride, my first thought was not that the air smelled of flowers and rain but of “spring rain”-scented dryer sheets.
It was a taut, precarious bridge, leading only into the jungle of denial.
life is just not fair to the nicest people
“This is a healthy exercise for anyone, but to do it in a public forum under the watchful eye of a metal bird is the ultimate in performance under pressure, I think (sometimes I have nightmares about that damn bird, but the terror is mercifully very brief and meaningful).”
“My family ROCKS!” are perhaps the sweetest words ever heard at 7:15 a.m. on a Friday.
I hope my future biographers will understand that like all good men of history, I, too, was as good as my word, and that when I said something I meant it, dammit, and that when I claimed, say for example something in August, that I would complete that something by year’s end, I meant year’s end, which, if I understand things correctly, can and does end in May in many parts of the world.
And then he said: “If you go see Star Trek at midnight, you’ll get extra credit.”
Elvis is a perfect being and he has died for your sins so that you might conquer death and live.
Everyone is telling me not to drink diet soda because it is evil in liquid form, but I’m doing it anyway.
But it was really really good, especially the part about “party C.”
Before you sign a document in this Luddite world, you need a writing instrument.