Peter had always been a ‘child of robust carriage’, his mother perpetually on a first-name basis with the employees working in the HUSKY section of OshKosh B’Gosh, but acceptance of his ‘husk’ turned to genuine concern after he was found drinking directly from a bottle of A1 and spray painting three letters, harmless alone, but powerful when brought together, upon the front doors of unsuspecting vegetarians: BBQ.
And then the company that I sent my pocket watch in to get fixed at went under, and took my watch with it.
My wing nuts have been loose all day.
If “swine” flu is greater than mere flu, then what is “swine” sex?
Reaching into his book bag and fearing the worst, Trevor discovered that the smelly wetness was not caused by some random prank by the overly testosteroned football players that called his school home but instead was a direct result of his own forgetfulness in leaving the other half of last Monday’s egg salad sandwich stashed away in a side pocket.
I’m a collector; of too many projects that try and vie for my time; and most of the time, I’d rather just be staring at a wall thinking about more projects that i can be doing… I just can’t say “No” to me.
The chief did his best to block out the 8 hours of non-stop CNN that played in the background at work, but occasionally he would let his guard down just in time to hear tasty bits of nonsense such as, “What she was doing was leveraging the equity of the verbage.”
Nderitu Njoka, founder of the Maendeleo Ya Wanaume, told newspapers that Kenyan women boycotting sex for 10 days to make a political point were “trying to use sex as a tool to molest men in the society.”
Bo dreamed up a new concept for a science fiction series while spending a night sweating out a high fever – The Drs. of WHO – but, was unable to sell it the BBC (or any American network for that matter) as they said it was too similar to another lesser known program, and his idea would have died (as many good ideas do) if Playboy hadn’t contacted him about shooting a pictorial of those sexy UN doctors.
Officer Jones began setting up the sting when he heard rumors that Juan’s bakery was not only putting cinnamon in its coffee cake, but that it was doubling the amount called for in the banned recipes that were printed long before the dangerous psychoactive substance had been identified as a class 1 narcotic.
Methinks the virus may be humanities greatest predator (after other humans) and amidst the growing fear of pandemic (thank you CDC, WHO and Homeland Security) I find myself wondering at the end of human history what will have killed more people, viral disease or other people?
When life isn’t going your way, the best thing to do is quit your job, win a car in an illegal racing racket, and drive around smoking massive amounts of pot…
She abhorred change, so she grew roots out her toes and fingers, clinging desperately to the soil; not even that could stop it.
Today I gave my business writing students a group exercise in class asking them to write a proposal to open up a Sonic franchise on a nearby empty lot;within two minutes, one student calls across the room to another student, “Hey Kelly, have you heard of a McGangbang?” and the conversation quickly devolved into accusations of fast food restaurants using cats, rats, and seagulls in the place of proper foodstuff, and concluded when a student asked me how much it would cost to get me to eat a cooked rat.
I’ve never been a slave to fashion, but don’t worry, plenty of other things keep me bondage.
Your heart skips against my lips causing an inner explosion.
As juice dribbled from his chin, Little Bear smiled, thinking about how he loved the blues that surrounded him—blueberries, blue skies, and the flight and song of the bluebirds.
A cardboard wrapping-paper tube, some glow-in-the-dark-paint, two popsicle sticks for a handle, and a little rubber cement can make you parent of the year.
Oh beer; I forgot about beer for some reason!
Because if it had four, then it would be a sedan.
I sometimes worry about my therapist’s sanity.
four years: the length of time it took to realize that her own happiness was not contingent on his
Obstreperous by nature, Henry simply couldn’t resist informing the hostess as he left that the party had been a total flop.
Nothing makes the passage of time more painful than the notion of billable hours.
Amidst the buzzing of the bees, Little Bear looked on while gnawing great chunks of honeycomb and beehive, as the human meticulously spread a thin, glistening layer of honey on bread.
My mind is inhabited by all manner of creatures, and while one keeps the decorations bright and cheery, the other… is a fine individual of whom I shall hear no ill.
the batter looked like pepto bismol and surprisingly no one need that sort of pink liquid after the day long frying event, an alka seltzer; definitely!
For ten solid minutes the chief avoided the thong while vacuuming up the water from the overflowed washing machine, but eventually his curiosity got the best of him and… whoosh... the thong was gone.
Someone said the term stemmed from drinking - mind your pints and quarts; another said it simply meant to keep your p’s and q’s straight, in which case, being dyslexic, I think perhaps I should be offended.
Green is the color most commonly associated with calmness, but whoever started such a notion ignored that certain shade of green appearing in the Spring for only a few days which is the harbinger and cause of Spring Fever, itself a riotous condition which is anything but calm.
I have long wanted a Dr. Who (season twelve) scarf, and here I find that they are only one hundred dollars.
Watching her die, even just in a dream, was much harder than I expected.
After a dream one night, Kevin awoke and started running, increasing slowly from about 100 yards, which was all he could do at first, until months later, when he found his stride, and he could run 100 miles or more.
As inspired by: Jo's Priorities
Lunch time is for knitting not for eating.
Her favorite part of the day was always the eating; the talking came a distant second.
Tammy was enjoying her new job and found it fascinating; the opportunity to listen to podcasts and surf the web was unrivaled.
Dude… Mr. Curry is sauced!
Overnight the white and purple blossoms are gone and the trees have green leaves on them… damn my lax picture-taking time table.
I knew I was in charge because I was the only one who talked; opening my mouth was my first mistake.
I posted two of my pieces at coldharshreality.blogspot.com .
When angry with his mother, the young Juan DeScrabble would often refer to her as, “The Mutter,” not on account of any German heritage, because there certainly was none, but because he thought it best described the woman’s lack of love for proper language.
I apparently made the joke, “Hot goes on the right, right?” to my assistant one time too many while doing the plumbing, leading to my ultimately choosing the pipes wrong when I tapped into the old system, so for the entire new construction hot really was on the right.
By the last week of classes, she regretted eschewing anarchy school for law school, partly because anarchy school demanded less reading than law school did, but mostly because anarchists tend not to grade on a curve.
He welcomed diversity in all its forms until the buffalo herd moved in upstairs.
As inspired by: The comment thread at Ontario Emperor's If Benjamin Franklin were alive today...
Some say he was the original Don Juan, but others say he was nothing more than a linguistic swain who would have enjoyed staring into the mirror all day long if words would have come out of his mouth as visible objects.
When the mysteries of the past and the beauty of the greats lay right beneath your feet, there is a small part of your mind that clings desperately to the feeling, knowing soon memory will do her best to erase them.
...would he refuse to join Facebook because of their anti-pseudonym stance?
I idle on irritated.
Having an open mind is a fine thing, but having the ability to stop the rain from getting in would be handy.
I pay attention to the things I do even though you’re no longer watching.
God will punish the wicked, but I wonder if perhaps the wicked will ultimately punish themselves.
The older I get the more I find I read directions and sometimes I even pay attention when they say things like “wear eye protection,” or “do not jam a nail into the end of this can of expanding construction foam to try to clear the tube.”
As inspired by: 'mouse's My novel
This year, for Mother’s Day, I created a beautiful metal sculpture which expresses all my love for my wife, the mother of my children, executed in copper, mostly under the house, poking up in bathrooms and in the kitchen.
Please join me and billions of others on the best new social proffesional mind numbingly amazing networking site; facetwitspacesteredin!
Eighteen seems younger the further from it I get, though I remember thinking I had all the raw material of adulthood by that time.
Henry thought she’d made a mistake at dinner when she’d called him an idiom, rather than an idiot, but then she’d explained how he was like a dead horse and didn’t listen or understand anything and about a hundred other things he effectively blocked out by thinking about how good the dinner rolls tasted; “Besides,” she added, “you are an idiot, so I’m right either way.”
As inspired by: the comment thread at Br. Ezra's Scary Girl Talk
Five minutes into nearly every meeting of the Possessive-Aggressive Club found some embarrassed soul standing up to leave, sheepishly admitting he’d thought the club would be about grammar abuse.
And then the company that I sent my pocket watch in to get fixed at went under, and took my watch with it.
When I did, a 3.8 earthquake occurred.
I don’t care how many times I get married and divorced I will never understand the proclivity among women to talk about their vagina’s in public when ever they run into each other.
Henry wore his spandex body suit, matching cape and “welcome to hell” stove pipe hat each day in hope that glam rock would become a groovin’ scene again.
Why is it that moments after you scrub your bathroom to an immaculate sparkling splendor your bowels erupt leaving skidmarks in the bowl?
There was nothing more irritating than the sound of her talking about her irritation.
We are all greasepaint clowns in an absurdist circus.
“Okay, as long as you’re sure you haven’t done anything wrong and you’re just doing a research paper and want to pay me to figure out which countries don’t have extradition treaties with the United States, then I’ll be happy to take your cash and prepare some information for you,” the attorney stated loudly and clearly in case there was someone listening on a wire.
Joel looked around furtively, making sure he wasn’t the only guy at the convention with noticeable panty lines.
I love it when the flower petals fall off of the trees in the spring time; it’s the only “snow” i really enjoy.
and then I thought to myself, “If you have so many complaints about the food, then go home and make it your self.”
Apparently I’m just not crazy enough.
They closed their eyes and pressed their ears to the ground, trying to hear the ocean.
Some of the best fishermen I know are lousy at picking up women, but in all fairness, I think they’d try harder if there was a state regulated daily limit.
Motivational speakers have a hard time standing quietly in a line.
Why, again, did you filter the message titled “revitalize your porkmonster?”
My panties would be flung at this guy.
What I really need is medication to make him sound less like a loser.
Yes, but it does not state that there must be milk in the refrigerator after said candy is finished.
The “one week” clause in article two sub section b on candy ownership clearly states that: “if you don’t eat it, then I will.”
March 3rd: Just got home from a fairly good protest, and wa...
Hypersensitivity of smell is sometimes diagnosed using the Hobo-Butt Indicator, although this isn’t something you’ll learn in medical school.
The pugilist stepped out of the ring forfeiting the championship bout because his socker boppers popped and he no longer felt like playing.
I feel like there’s nothing to do here anymore; at school that is.
Of the great inventions, air conditioning is the most conducive to great thought.
i went and camped at the joshua tree state park over the weekend. it was hotter at my house when i got home; that aint right, that just aint right.
Never try to bite open the end of a stopped-up tube of superglue.
“I don’t know what a ‘weathermudgeon’ is or what this 99F (37.2C) they’re talking about at the picnic is,” thought Little Bear, but I do know it’s time for a dip in the creek.
Whoever said “There’s no crying in baseball,” was never a baseball mom responsible for white pants at every game.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Above-ground spelunking organizational meeting
“As first order of business, I would like to thank our friends from the Ground-Based Parachutists Club which has generously supplied this beautiful silk tablecloth for our picnic today,” began the hostess.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Hobbies gone wrong
Little Bear watched with interest as Boot hosted the first-ever Above-Ground Spelunkers’ Club organizational meeting at a picnic in the meadow.
“You see, when a train is overly full and an older woman appears to be falling over and reaches out to steady herself, the correct approach is not to sneer, but to lend a helping hand,” continued Miss Jane as she deftly returned a bloodied object to the young woman, “ah, I believe this one is yours.”
It is a little known fact that many Pitcairn Islanders bear an uncanny resemblance to Amelia Earhart.
Juan used to overcome his incredible distate for running by imagining he was being chased by a wild animal, but that was before he was mauled on the jogging trail by a mountain lion.
I was determined to be a spelunker until I heard about the cold, dark, claustrophobic, underground part.
Cow patty fights are good clean fun right up until, well.. until the first cow patty gets thrown.
The economic indicator that no one wants to talk about revolves around hobos and the varying sizes of cigarette butts they find on the street.
“Why do I have to build my own Blackberry?” the President cried.
Arnold watched as Eunice injected the coffee straight into her vein.
It seems like hours since all the pundits weighed in on the meaning of Japanese Cajun food.
As inspired by: Keith's Sideways Learning
All my wisdom is patent pending.
Mohair boots don’t last long in Colorado where the snow piles up like big fluffy mounds of Thanksgiving Day mashed potatoes.
“High of 55 last week, high of 94 this week…I could have stayed in Russia for this,” thought Bronwyn as she prepared to water the garden for the third time in 24 hours.
She earned that sunburn, every square inch of it.
One: Having to say “yes, I’m really eighteen,” and two: sunburn.
One: having to say “no, it isn’t an Indiana Jones hat, because his was more brown, and it wasn’t really a ‘fedora’ by the books - it is more of a Humphrey Bogart as ‘Nick’ hat,” and two: there is a coffee stain on the ribbon.
At my seminars I will call it Sideways Learning™, but at home I will still call it lying.
Nodding sternly at the baby, Heinrich Hahn said only, “He will be the father of nuclear chemistry and we will call him Otto.”
I was alone in my bed that night, but I swear on my life someone spoke to me, and though he spoke my language his words did not make sense - “I’ve just taught you to move.”
take your velvet grip and let it slip into a deadly pain that surely we will find a cure for.
Although I don’t seem to have any flashbacks of trauma or abuse, the other symptoms—multiple mannerisms, attitudes and beliefs that are not similar to each other, headaches and other body pains, distortion or loss of subjective time, depersonalization, amnesia, depression, derealization, unexplainable phobias, sudden anger without a justified cause, lack of intimacy and personal connections, frequent panic/anxiety attacks, and especially, auditory hallucinations of the personalities inside the mind—these things seem to pop up all the time, so I really have no option but to self-diagnose myself as suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder.
The City Hall workers avoided the goofy looking character.
Arnold Palmer sat on the front porch, staring wistfully at the jet fighter.
The last bastion of everything you ever needed.
She had turned three men gay with her tight, gold-toned capri pants and her hair like a web-spun helmet, but she knew this one would be different.
After a particularly uninspired guitar solo from Archie, Reggie made an unsuccessful attempt to oust Archie as lead guitarist and install himself in Archie’s place.
Henry preferred writing poetry using a stack of old magazines, scissors and glue stick – he believed this the best way to confront each naked word as it entered his consciousness – but his thesis advisor, being old school, wanted neatly typed pages, double spaced and composed in traditionally accepted styles instead of appearing like a frantic ransom note cut and pasted by a convict with big toes for thumbs.
I am a blissfully agnostic Gnostic in search of the truth, but not invested with a desire to find God – any god for that matter – all that is needed is a good camera to capture little bits of truth for later contemplation and a composition notebook to combine words in new ways to release what is hidden deep in my psyche.
Lately all I seem capable of doing is sitting and gazing, dreaming of other places, so if you are one of the many waiting for me to do something, please feel free to keep waiting.
Little Timmy had never been stabbed to death, but he imagined it was just like being forced to eat beets.
Nothing brightens up a day like a sunrise… except coffee.
In the world of tomorrow, the county landfill will provide for the dropping off of dead human bodies with minimal paperwork, but at $19.95 per pound, most people will still prefer the convenience and cost of the highway underpass at night.
He couldn’t see the protective energy of the traveling ginger nuts, but the biscuits made his fingers tingle and his taste buds speak in tongues he’d never heard before.
I liked the world much better when it was smaller.
Your choices are to laugh, or to sit in the corner gibbering away at no one in a comfortable coat.
I forgot about the cuts on my legs until just now.
I’ve decided to, perhaps, update Ibsen’s A Doll’s House.
Sir Francis Bacon was, apparently, killed because he caught pneumonia while experimenting on preserving meat by freezing them.
Upon taking a bite from the cupcake he simultaneously felt two years of his lifespan die, while one moment of his childhood woke again.
They say that when Sir Reginald Bacon heard the news that the HMS Dreadnought would be placed in the command of his longtime rival, The Lord Fisher of Kilverstone, that he reached under his hat and drew forth the secret recipe for purple, shook it violently towards the heavens and, in a manner embarrassing to even the crustiest of seamen present, cursed the good name of Lord Nelson.
Damn, it’s been one of those days… for a month now.
I haven’t even left yet, and already, I’m feeling terribly homesick.
James had heard the old saying that “company is like fish” which means that after about three days it begins to get increasingly “stinky” and unpleasant, but he never realized that it could be literally true until his father-in-law visited and didn’t shower for three days.
Once again, iTunes has belied the odds and not only delivered me a fourth Outkast song on four straight days, this time it did so three songs after I’d just written an email complaining about the first three.
Before answering the door, Peter hid the secret recipe for purple under Sir Reginald Bacon’s hat, knowing that no one in their right mind would ever think of searching there.
It turns out that when you mix all the colours of the world, they come out white and flutter softly down amongst the masses, which in turn makes my dear friend Becky laugh and giggle until the whole city stops to notice.
Rosa thought by now that everything would feel ‘normal’ again, but it was all still a world away.
Pseudo-celebrity is often underrated.
I wished for world peace and a Wyse terminal.
They interfere with the time that I allocate to contemplate a universe without Five Guys.
Every baby was born with a USB port in his or her forehead.
There is so much wrong, not the least being that the glue that adheres us to one another is made of a dead baby.
One day in heaven Beethoven got together with a bunch of his classical composer buddies to play hide-n-seek.
Opening his mailbox, Keith realized that his dream of joining the Sisterhood of the Traveling Ginger Nuts had suddenly come true.
Some days what you really need is the ability to hide it all - the lost hope, love, friendships, joy in ones work - in a single sentence, and repeat that few word phrase in your head over and over until finally you stop trusting that too.
“I love my savior, but pound for pound, I get more booty when Buddah’s around.”
I just can’t STAND drinking water.
I probably should stop telling my kids that the homework assigned by their teacher is “useless makework shit that shows complete intellectual and professional laziness on the teacher’s part.”
Henry never fully understood the connection between his dog and the candy wrapper vortex that existed under his bed.
At times, I miss the pain.
my date was in dire need of a extremely strong mint, having an almost prurient odor of garlic and onion.
The susurrus of the branches tapity tapping against the side of my house created a metronomic efficiency as I wailed another boss riff playing Guitar Hero.
Hector knew that if he could just find a big enough piece of paper that he could fold himself a trip to Hawaii.
They make us write essays about paintings, but they don’t make math students do interpretive dances about algorithms.
In actuality, W.C. Fields’ will bequeathed all of his worldly possessions to Martin Gore, who hadn’t even been born yet.