“No, no,” he said, “I dumped Sarah because she chewed on her ice, but you can trust that no such thing will happen to you, because I realize in hindsight the stupidity of my reasoning, and you don’t tug on your earrings half as often as you used to.”
It’ll only take me three hours to download all of The Whistler episodes, and those three hours will supply me with eight days worth of old radio mysteries!
If he was warm I could cool him
If he was cold I could hold him
But he is old and I cannot help him
If I was down he could feel me
If I was sad he would heal me
But he is tired and cannot help me
My last gift was his last breath
No more to fight his time for rest
I age, he sleeps, I grieve
For he is gone and I cannot leave
“Caffeine is time’s Viagra” (Mark Morford)
It was one of those days where Bronwyn wanted to punch the entire internet in the cock.
Henry could feel his standards dropping as he morosely sipped his coffee and stared at the mess on his desk.
Where did all the money go?
She sat and sat, and grew roots which gave forth new shoots in the spring, until she was surrounded by replicas of herself all sitting at computers and staring mesmerized.
“You haven’t been seduced until it’s by Proxy!”
Timmy knew instinctively that he would make a better God than God himself because he never forgot to feed his tortoise; he also knew that one day he’d grow hair in his armpits, which was something he attributed more to faith, rather than instinct.
Once upon a time, if you had used the phrase “thrumming of rain on a tin roof” in a class full of young ‘uns you might have been asked “what does thrumming mean?” but today it seems more likely the response would be “WTF is rain?”.
Trains of thought are currently experience service difficulties and interruptions.
I accidentally gave myself high blood pressure today by watching fifteen seconds of The View.
The tribe members were always smiling and laughing and Jerry attributed it to their general easygoing, happy personality until one day one of the young boys let slip that “what’s so funny” was that Jerry’s name translated as “Aching Ballsack.”
I have to take a moment to acknowledge the passing of Philip José Farmer at the age of 91, since his Riverworld series was one of my favorite sci-fi stories of all time.
The only silver lining I’ve found to the Bush Depression is that there are significantly fewer cars on the road during my commute Mon-Thurs and almost none on Friday.
Although the Surgeon General’s Warning on the package of Ronald Reagan Anti-Depressant Chewing Gum claimed that “the soothing, diplomatic taste of Ronald Reagan Chewing Gum can be enjoyed as often as needed, despite political party affiliation, with absolutely no negative side effects,” Tim worried a little that he may have sparked off a new Cold War by sticking his old, chewed pieces under the edge of his mother-in-law’s coffee table.
‘Wang’ is the last name of the individual in whose lab I recently worked and I would sometimes catch myself having imaginary conversations with her that would go something like, ‘Ooooh, nice job, Wang’, and her replying, ‘That’s Dr. Wang to you’, which made the joke even sweeter and because I, like most men, will always be more or less 12-years old, this pointless little exchange never got old and was always worthy of a chuckle, sort of the same inward reaction one might experience when overhearing talk about someone falling on their coccyx.
Vince Offer broke my heart and for that he should be killed softly and absorbently with his own ShamWow.
What’s in your soup, soup, soup, soup, soup, soup, soup - it’s Spanish kids, it’s Spanish kids, oh yeah!
He was a forgetful God and always misplaced his glasses on his own head.
“Declarant swears and affirms that __________, the judge before whom the hearing in the aforesaid action has been assigned, is prejudiced against the party or the interest of the party so that declarant cannot or believes that he cannot have a fair and impartial trial or hearing before the judge.”
There is nothing so empowering to a woman as walking into an adult bookstore and walking out, package in hand.
I was excommunicated from my religious order for suggesting that while God gets the last word it is Satan that wins the bet.
God may not play dice with the universe, but that isn’t to say he doesn’t enjoy a good gentlemen’s wager with the lives of his most ardent believers.
It seems to me that the only sane person througout the book of Job, was Job’s wife who, suggestin he “curse God and die,” was the only one who realized it was not good to believe in a god who played dice with Satan.
And on the first day man looked into the vast night sky and sensing there was much he didn’t understand he created God, and there began the long, endless childhood of humanity.
Julie just reported to me that after she returned from a two-day roadtrip her cat greeted her warmly and then proceeded to spend nearly two hours wandering round and round in the driveway sniffing her car.
The very dapper looking stranger in the elevator turned to me with a look of extreme sadness and said, “My ex-wife is homeless,” and then he exited at his floor.
Ukules and rubber chickens will always hold an honored place in the annals (not anals, thank you) of improv.
I’ll bet you dollars to donuts that “It Ain’t Gonna Suck Itself” by Cracker, was a contractual obligation song.
In the obedience class Jack followed instructions and established his “alpha dog” role in relationship to his female St. Bernard, Princess, however they didn’t warn him the problems this would create when Princess later grew to 140 lbs and eventually came into heat.
I was going to tell you about last night’s dream, however I don’t understand it, it was damn weird, and I’m afraid that if you are qualified and do understand it you might simply call the guys in the white coats and lock me up.
It was a thought too long to post on Twitter, too short to post on his blog, not public enough for Facebook, not pedantic enough for the listserv and not artsy enough for Plurk, which is why Ken finally just picked up the phone.
“Talk to the hand,” a once popular American slang phrase, is based on an African tribal insult that translates loosely as, “Tell it to the gnu.”
Mr. Kelly, with a doctrine in English walked into a room of very confused teenage boys, dropped a brit-lit text book on each of our desks, and said to the class at large, “A prologue is to a book as sex is to -”
Stubbornly tying her own soccer cleats, Kayla indirectly learned the time-value of Velcro at age eight.
“Let’s talk about anything but your mother, or come to think of it anything about your stupid childhood,” said the therapist on a very bad day, rolling her eyes and sighing dramatically.
No sight is quite as retroactively motivational to someone under the age of 10 as the tail end of a disappearing school bus.
Ruth, the prostitute, should have known that when Moses screamed, “Oh, God!” when he orgasmed, she would end up with a terrible case of burning bush.
On weeks my kids aren’t home I have the absolute freedom to do jello shots and yell at the TV, but I don’t because I have “dignity.”
“Do you have something against monkeys finding love?” my monkey friend from college asked me the other night, and while I didn’t have the strength to even begin telling him what I thought about love, I did rip into him pretty good about what I thought about monkeys.
My monkey friend from college has taken up residence on my living room couch and won’t say when he’s leaving, and even though I have a strict house rule against amateur alchemy, particularly when it comes to love potions and romance elixirs, the mortar and pestle that keeps turning up on the coffee table makes me think that he’s up to his old tricks again.
Bronwyn sat at her desk, looking as mild and placid as a cup of chamomile tea, and waited for her inner Cartman and her inner R. Lee Ermey to finish fighting it out.
One large Mojo, last seen in the presence of My Groove which is also nowhere to be found—both last seen entering a bar on south 2nd street several days ago.
The chief knew better than to try any of his well-rehearsed Perry Mason antics during the eviction hearing.
It’s easier than you might think and far more unpleasant.
The streets of her aged mind.
while we scribble and quibble, real progress is made: ohno789 receives a surprise, but much welcomed little birdie in the mail!
Renal failure results in higher levels of deranged acid, primarily because the acids’ parents always expected so much of the younger acids that one day the acids finally snapped and moved from a safer, neutral pH to a lower one and began to spray paint graffiti all over the kidneys.
At least an internet addiction keeps your hands clean and your ass off the streets.
“Quid pro quo, my ass,” said Billy, with unintended irony, as the cannibals fired up their smoker.
Something about a treadmill feels like deja vu with every step.
In a world made of candy, those without cavities rule.
“Possibly it’s been two or three years since my last confession,” added Joe, forgetting he was not Catholic and that he was speaking to a tzaddiq.
Josie liked to tell people that she was the reincarnation of one of her own dogs (or vice versa), explaining that, if it was possible to live more than one life, a little thing like the manipulation of time and space could not be that tough.
I buy about 5 pounds of these oranges every week, and yet every single time I peel one, it feels like I’ve found a miracle inside.
His days at the alphabet hatchery, sexing the newborn vowels, would turn out to be one of the happiest times of Henry’s life.
Occidentally speaking, I’ve never quite understood the magic of carp.
Noogies, according to legal theory involved with the violation of personal space in Michigan, are an acceptable form of greeting someone in Kalamazoo.
My direction in life is, at best, most uncertain.
My wife doesn’t know that I’m in love with the mousey girl that stamped my passport in France (the one with the unkempt brown hair) and the waitress at that fifty year old diner on the corner of 5th street who offered up a free cup of crappy coffee when she saw my long face.
Little—aside from their use as characters in “The Little Mermaid”—is actually known about flotsam or jetsam.
Why do people forget that an honest response to a question, though potentially not the answer hoped for, will ultimately be more appreciated than a falsehood?
I’m no longer a teenager. Bam!
How can we have oversaturated soil and a drought warning all at the same time?
When I am the Ruler of the Universe and Master of Space and Time, all U.S. Supreme Court and Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals holdings will include a definition of summary judgment, so that I don’t have to spend two hours dicking around Lexis and Westlaw to find it.
After speaking at great length with Naombo, my guide and traveling companion, I began to realize that the rules of cannibalism etiquette were, at least as far as I could understand them, very similar to our country’s “Kissing Cousin” guidelines; this made dining at night much less disturbing, since I was almost positive I was related to no one within 4000 miles of our camp.
I want to see all the sentences that never make it through the post screen.
Eavesdropping would eventually get the chicken into trouble when she showed up at the company picnic wearing her finest brooch.
Roland had heard all the theories—that the universe was created in the Big Bang, that it was balanced on the back of a turtle, and so forth—but he knew and planned to prove scientifically that the universe was really a giant furball inside an even larger cosmic cat.
“Psst! Hey, Buddy, wanna buy a dime bag of some damn fine, guaranteed organic lemon grass?” the shady-looking man hissed as I passed his doorway.
As inspired by: bakerina's Incredulity
Trapped inside the grown man’s body, Little Timmy kicked his short legs, hoping someone would notice the man’s jiggling and help him escape.
As she walked away from her home, door swinging in the early morning breeze, she felt no regrets and thought only of the empty road ahead.
How did I grow up into this?
“I understand there is a slow progression that links the past to the present, but goddamned if I can find the missing link that proves 2009 could have possibly evolved from 1978.”
must be something else.
“Look ma’am, I know you’re upset that he whipped open his raincoat and showed you his large root vegetable, but that’s simply not a crime in this jurisdiction,” explained Officer Pepper.
I’m not a woman, but even I know that you don’t wear a bright white bra under your opaque off-white blouse such that your bra’s extremely visible from the third floor of local buildings when you walk by.
“I’ve been trying that new-fangled gluten-free diet,” said Shauna, “but it’s not helping at all with my Celeriac Disease.”
“I’m bored,” she said, “dance for me;” and opened fire at his feet.
Kangaroos are excellent conversationalists, but their penmanship is abysmal.
McCormack believed firmly in the power of xylophones, and knew in his heart that a properly composed symphony, played to perfection, would most certainly attract a rescue boat, or at the very least, earn him some much needed favor with the island’s pesky monkey population.
After years of being told she was stupid, Sally ran away to live on a Greek island, hoping desperately that no one would find out she was a cretin.
If they didn’t think of something soon, the owners of the Elk Snot Deli would have to close up shop.
The fragrance of her baby’s head sent an unadulterated shaft of love through her; it was followed almost immediately by pure fright, and after that a fierce, armor-plated jealousy, which was to linger for days in the form of evil glares at the nurses.
is working in an office full of women and misplacing your pms calendar
Jackalopes are notoriously hard to track.
At first Juan worried that he could remember every detail of any given day 35 years ago but couldn’t remember yesterday, but then he got distracted by the pretty memories and forgot that he was worried.
The more he called, frantic, in the middle of the night, the harder her heart became.
god never gives you more than you can bear until he does and then you die.
“Think of the boxcar as a woman’s love,” The Hopeful Hobo said during one of his impromptu campfire seminars; “There will be times she welcomes you with open arms, taking you to places unimaginable, times when she locks you out cold, and other times, if you’ve smooth talked your way into some off-limits boxcar, when the doors will fly open and some man comes in cussin’ and screamin’ and will knock the livin’ shit out of you if you don’t skedaddle.”
There was no question that Fender would skip the local Twitter meetup; he liked his Twitter follows exactly as they seemed: imaginary.
Rufus thinks that the pursuit of all things scientific is a complete waste of time, but my friend Schuster reminded him that the ultimate goal of science—a penicillin-based love potion—was so close to being discovered that he shouldn’t be so quick to judge.
The novelty of living alone wore off within the first week, and she found herself answering the solicitation calls just for someone to talk to.
The demands of my current engagement with heaving piles of biomedical education and the attendant handling of various cellular whatnot are currently stripping away both time and energy that might better be devoted to writing drivel concerning international travel and/or dog poop and, frankly, it’s starting to really get me down.
Although he was a persuasive man, it had taken McCormack a full three days to convince himself to tear apart the boat and use the stave’s to construct the xylophone.
Ted Nugent’s signature anthem was originally titled “Ass Scratch Fever” because of an unfortunate case of anal itching that he experienced while composing, however, his label suggested the double entendre “Cat Scratch Fever, believing the it would sell more records and, thus, history was made.
Sarah Rae Walker stood alone in her blue Sunday dress at the counter where mom always used to stand (where she stood when she heard the news about daddy) cutting wholes into halves only to take up her blunt Oneida knife to halve them again – making these beautiful crafted ham and cheese sandwiches into neat little isosceles triangles that fed our hungry mouths, and the light that shone through the kitchen window behind her beautiful head of brown hair made her look like a god making things easier to hold, making every bit of bread taste like her slender fingers.
Alone and scared, McCormack sometimes worried that when he eventually went mad with loneliness, he’d begin teasing himself about being the worst xylophone player on the island.
“I really don’t even want to speculate what that stuff is underneath my fingernails,” continued Juan.
“It’s a good thing I’m a lawyer and not a doctor,” mused Juan, whose hands sported six Bandaids after a weekend wrestling with his home plumbing project.
She brought hummus for starters and cupcakes for afters, and decided to stay for a while.
My sister called again, with another half-remembered tidbit from my past, and I didn’t have the heart to tell her again that I didn’t have any idea what she was talking about.
When his name appeared in other people’s confessions, Henry felt just like the baby Jesus, but without the beard.
Forensic Scatologist is about the strangest internet degree I have seen thus far as I continue wondering what exactly it is I want to “doo” with my life.
Monday mornings are always a great time to begin perfecting your sardonicism for the week ahead.
...forgetting you’re here, but finally returning.
Now Boston, why don’t you seattle on down, and tell Austin that you’re sorry.
It is only after four in the morning that a night truly begins to settle down and call it a day.
It’s taken me years to admit that “Star Trek Voyager” is something that consistently makes me feel comfortable and contented.
I love taking some chocolate covered strawberries and a two pound Hershey kiss to my girlfriend’s house and having her mom want to talk to her for twenty plus minutes about PDA while I sit in the living room trying not to listen to their conversation.
She sighed as she looked at the pile of laundry that was looming over her and calculated how long she could keep wearing these jeans without changing them.
The biscuits of the night loomed guiltily in her mind.
At his worst he was a creep, and at his best, boring.
I hope you choke on a truffle.
Polly absolutely loved it when fairy tales turned to nightmares.
Eggs are funny and pun-worthy as they are, of course, the beginnings of the notoriously amusing Chicken.
...waited at every corner, while Boredom stood at every bus-stop.
I know that a “fee tail” is a form of present estate in real property, and not a kind of shortbread, but now I can’t stop thinking about shortbread.
Tonight at midnight I shall be blind folded and inducted into the Loyal Order of Haiku, but only if I can commemorate the moment with the perfect haiku otherwise I will have to fall on my sword.
Tammy hoped that if she ever ended up in a state that involved walking around town speaking random phrases out loud, she hoped she would at least have enough sense left to wear earphones (plugged in or no).
The chief pathologist walked about the room, nodding approvingly as the junior forensics examiners carefully folded whipped cream into various crushed fruit mixes, when suddenly she shrieked, raced across the room, grabbed the wrist of the new doctor who held a dime-sized cluster of red filaments over a bowl of pureed apricots, and declared in a low, ominous voice: “Because you’re new here, I will say this once, and only once: I do NOT saffron fools gladly.”
Only after many months did anyone notice “doug” had not come around in a while, which was just the way “doug” liked to be remembered.
Whenever Arnold the pest control guy crawled under a house to inspect for termites, he marked his territory - nor was he the only one, he surmised by the smells he encountered.
Muriel had always found it impossible to do homework she’d brought from the office; in her 40s she decided to promote this as a clever time-management strategy in hopes she’d feel better about it one day.
Alone and without Internet, Henry sat in the dark with his keyboard, quietly making modem sounds, hoping no one would walk in and catch him.
Nothing squawks indignant like an unfed bird.
Read, notate, analyze, read, notate, analyze, think, read, notate, blah, blah, blah… “this agreement shall be governed by, and construed in accordance with, the laws of England…” (WTF? @#$$%&$#!) (pop) (head explodes).
She felt like one of those weird eggs without shells she would occasionally find in the henhouse, with nothing but a thin membrane separating her angry mind from the outside world.
When Juan was young he dreamed adulthood would provide freedom.
Insignificant thoughts of a significant nature crossed his mind as he donned his taj.
She barely believes herself as she writes the letter. Her fingers are stained with ink and her heart is stained with regret. She bites her lips, holds back tears, and signs the letter with a postscript that reads ‘Please, remember to forget me.’
Every time she wrote “Sepulveda” in her return address she imagined that it was probably a dirty word in Spanish.
Tomorrow is Charles Darwin’s birthday and you are all invited to a little soiree that I am throwing and, yes Mouse, there will be cake and Dim Sum
One of the strangest things I’ve learned from my wife is how to eat a pear by biting off the stem and then eating it down from the top instead of eating it around the core apple-like as I learned when I was a child.
Ever since The Hard Drive Burp of January 2009, I have found it hard to swallow around the lump of sadness at Keith’s brief mention that the Wordshadows Archives were among the losses, but today it occurred to me that many of those words have been retained by the Web which never forgets—or at least doesn’t forget everything. (Archives begin around 8/29/2004)
As inspired by: 'mouse's The Band
“So, ma’am,” said the officious PLA detective “you say this fiend just absconded with your license for no apparent reason?”
“I am about as useful in this room as a houseplant,” announced Bronwyn, only to be reminded that houseplants release oxygen into the atmosphere, rather than merely sucking it up.
“Look, just because there are five of us, and just because we’re female and have a band, does not give you the right to call us ‘The Five-Spice Girls,’ asshole—we’re ‘The Red Hot Chilli Peppers,’ and we’re gonna set the department picnic *on fire* this year.”
Sometimes, the memory of a good friend is nothing more than that, mixed neatly with a small measure of hope.
The gusty wind whined its way around the door frames and rattled the roof until they all started to go stark raving mad.
Oh, guys…Blossom Dearie is gone.
If congress would only give our economy some of the steroids A-Rod has been taking everything would get back to normal – except our nuts would be a little smaller.
Schrodinger’s cat explained that catnip was all the proof one needed that a benevolent God existed, but Einstein felt that if God truly existed it would be hard to reconcile his benevolence with RuPaul’s Drag Race and if, upon death, Einstein found himself confronted by his maker as to why he didn’t believe the intrepid physicist would feel obligated to echo the words of the late Bertrand Russell – not enough evidence Lord, not enough evidence.
There is a very well worded, smart and racy scrine out there with that title, but I’m afraid that all I can think about right now is this cat.
Henry felt misled by the survey he’d read that’d convinced him to purchase a new iPod because while 9 out of 10 monkeys probably were happier listening to music when performing basic tasks like testing spacecraft and washing dishes, the survey had failed to say anything about the joy they found in throwing feces at people, an activity, Henry realized too late, he could do almost any time for free.
Homework is to Saturday like Hitler is to blank.
We’re having baked potatoes for lunch. ;)
I was going to make some pithy announcement like “determinative facts can bite me,” but looking at my issue statement in the memo I’m writing for Monday morning, I’m pretty sure that they already have.
“You are a needy little bitch.”