“Hey baby, we’d make beautiful mucus together.”
Inspired by Bill Gates, Victor quit referring to his fuck-up teenage son as “Junior” and started calling him “Vista.”
While at a bar, never answer yes to a question that you do not fully understand.
“Entertain me!” screamed Juan at the computer for the millionth time, futilely as always, but then he remembered the off button and that there was a world of other things to do, and so he steeled his resolve and pushed the button.
When you have a job that doesn’t allow time / access to Scrine during the day, the solution is obvious, if unexpected and, in actuality, unwanted.
I know what’s in my head and some of what is in my heart, and my guts tell me something else, but what pray tell do my kidneys say?
So this is what numb feels like.
“You’re so fine I just can’t seem to refrain myself, baby.”
It’s only in the unforgiving light of day that I see how much hair and backyard leavins two dogs can spread throughout a house.
This morning women sang odes to the majestic monster in my pants; how he got in my pants I’ll never know.
It seems that in my old age, I’m realizing that it’s not just American Idol that seems petty and cotrived.
“I won’t rush to a cadence - I’ll take time to fully explore you, ‘Melody.’”
“How ‘bout you take that coda off and we see what treble we can get into?”
Apologies for my repeated absences; this week I succumbed to some bacterial infection and ER antibiotics; maybe next week I’ll contract the plague.
Hey baby, wanna fugue?
Oddly enough, if you google google or even look up thesaurus in the thesaurus they don’t just stop their respective jobs (finding synonyms and entertaining thousands of school children who need an easy answer) to slap you in the face and set you straight - they simply chuckle to themselves like all of those friends you used to have in highschool, pat you on your head, and send you on your way to write your phone number on the pretty girl in the corner’s hand.
“You make my staccato note legato - if you know what I mean.”
“Honey bee, you’re g minor, and without you I’d B left ♭, major.”
“One of those acquaintances said that the mother [and her 14 children] lived with her parents ...”
Although having never put together much of anything he could call a career, Peter did take some satisfaction that he’d been responsible over the years for a great many keys.
Sushi, steak tartare, and oysters should not be consumed in the same day as to not seem insensitive to the needs of your stomach and favoring only the whims of your senses.
He stepped onto the plan, the engines vibrating the floor beneath his feet, he knew that this was it—that moment that he would look back on and say “that was when it all went wrong, the decision I regret the most,” he took his seat, fastened the belt, and sealed his fate.
“For its seafood creation, it served beef ribs with duck foie gras; tenderloin with black truffles and oxtail with celeriac; parsley root with spinach and glazed ox cheek; green beans and artichokes; a brown onion pyramid; potato, black truffle and bone marrow; and beef reduction with bay leaf and parsley.”
Black and scorched, boot’s brain finally disappeared a in cloud of smoky crumbs.
When a person, usually British-flavored, states that something has left them ‘gobsmacked’ my imagination goes into overdrive and I start to wonder what the gob looked like and how it reacted to the random violence being inflicted upon it, but then I recall that ‘gob’ is British slang for ‘mouth’ and I then wonder why someone would end up smacked in the mouth for something that someone else said, then finally the proctor in my brain stands up and yells, ‘SHUT UP, YOU MORON’ and everything is once again OK.
anybody notice that the new scrine social media linky thing is perverse in a really interesting way?
It was old man Wilson’s “hands on” approach to friendliness that got him into trouble with the hospital nursing staff.
The weather was cold and slick, just like her heart.
When asked about his office by a prospective applicant, Reggie could not find a single good thing to say about the place, except it was conveniently close to a Peets and the Apple Store.
If I could think of something profound to say in a single sentence I would SO post it right now.
And then just like that they were old and dry, the skin loose and dull, and as I stared down at them as they typed away, I found myself somehow glad that I couldn’t see whatever it was they had to deal with, looking back up at me.
I’ll never understand why, but Collin *still* confuses the terms “martial arts” and “marital aids”.
“Sure I walked a mile in my dad’s shoes,” Harvey DePinkle wrote in his bestseller, Fight Hard, Run Fast, “but I also walked a mile in my mom’s underpants, and two miles in my sister’s best friend’s cheerleading outfit, and it was at that moment, more than any other, when I learned the importance of fighting hard and running fast.”
Whenever Rufus and my friend Schuster get locked up down at county, they usually pass the time by arguing the age-old question: Which came first, the gun or the bullet?
She walked around the grocery store sobbing, clutching the carton of eggs and her pregnant belly…does no one think about the chickens she wondered.
Yesterday I had oatmeal with raisins, the day before I had oatmeal with raisins, and the day before that and before that; today though is a new day…today I will have oatmeal with cinnamon!
If God intended man to fly he would have been born wearing wing suits
As inspired by: Keith's Slawyer Jokes Never Really Caught On
“We have a volitional act by the defendant, which is a cause in fact of harmful or offensive contact with cole slaw to the plaintiff, and by which the defendant either intended to cause such contact or knew with substantial certainty that such contact would occur, resulting in physical or nonphysical harm to the cole slaw plaintiff.”
As inspired by: bakerina's Constitutional Slaw 1
The first known slawer joke (credited to Benjamin Franklin, but more than likely overheard by Franklin as he walked past the servants’ quarters one day) was: How many cabbages does it take to fill a slawyer’s head?
Ah, binary star systems, you give me hope (yes, Cygnus X-1, I’m talking about you).
That vacation from the computer just about killed me, and I missed you all very much.
As inspired by: Keith's Cole Slaw School
The first thing Bakerina learned at Cole Slaw School was that the interpretation of cole slaw was a source of heated debate between the Originalists, who insisted that the slaw be made as the Founders intended it to be made, and the Modernists, who insisted that cole slaw was a living, organic recipe reflecting changes in society, and that the Founders knew that one day, society would be willing to extend the definition of slaw to include the right to add a can of crushed pineapple to the basic recipe.
The admission paperwork for law school was certainly tricky, and after the first attempt, Bakerina accidently found herself enrolled in one of California’s more prestigious cole slaw schools.
“Now, if you go to the library early, and you brief all the cases in this weekend’s reading, you may have roast chicken and potatoes and greens, with baked raisins with Marsala, lemon and honey for dessert.”
Henry had every intention of getting to it, but eventually he’d put it off so long that he couldn’t be sure exactly what “it” was so he decided to do nothing, which was in a way, he told himself, certainly another way of dealing with it.
If you leave wounds to be healed by time alone they’re likely to get infected.
I refuse to be your useless stump.
You say you need time to think, but thinking does nothing when change doesn’t come.
You are my pain, my misery, my addiction, my dark cloud on an otherwise perfect day.
You are my world, my end all to be all, my muse, my inspiration, my motivation, my everything.
Happiness is discovering that your most difficult, scariest brain-bleeder of a class is taught by a man who is charming and funny and whipsmart and easy on the eyes, but ecstasy is discovering that your most difficult, scariest brain-bleeder of a class is taught by a man who is charming and funny and whipsmart and easy on the eyes—and he records his lectures and posts them as podcasts at iTunesU.
They are sometimes just a place to go and kick around the dust of old memories.
e, I think it’s time for you to hunt down and retrieve your ‘top commenter’ mantle.
known as conficker, downadup, beezleboo, twig, whackawhackasplatamole, trek, monkfish, trig, bristol, brainmush, or dos 4.0, it is spread by a recently discovered microsoft windows vulnerability, by guessing network passwords and by hand-carried consumer gadgets like ipods, cellphones, babies, portable shavers, salad shooters and usb keys.
“Perhaps I’m old and tired,” he continued, “but I always think that the chances of finding out what really is going on are so absurdly remote that the only thing to do is to say hang the sense of it and just keep yourself occupied.”
In her chest, apathy and anger encroached like weeds, smothering the humor and passion that used to flourish, and Carmody felt herself turning into the type of woman she always used to abhor.
It’s been only three days since Obama took the Oath of office, and then had to retake it – Chief Justice Roberts felt the first time wasn’t fashizzle enough – but we are already starting to see signs of a new era.
Now that W. is going to live in Dallas, I think I’m finally ready to push the ‘eject’ button and send Dallas hurtling into the cold void of space.
“It was wicked cold.”
It’s not a good time to look for a job, even if we are now in Obamaland.
Is it so wrong to ask that a package that left a warehouse 50 miles away at 1 a.m. show up on my doorstep, like, right now, please?
“Don’t you wonder sometimes,
‘bout cell division?”
Sometimes diving off the high cliff into the crashing waves below is symbolic, sometimes it’s literal, and sometimes it’s your 42nd birthday and the eve of your 20th anniversary and you’re in Hawaii under the gentle December sun and it’s both.
Henry told his marriage counselor that his marriage could only truly be saved if the Mrs. would box up some of her extra crazy and put it on a shelf somewhere for awhile, which resulted in blunt trauma to his head, leaving him to wonder where his wife had been standing.
I’m sure I’m not the only person who woke up the next morning and was disappointed to find my computer worked fine, no nuclear reactors had melted down and Anarchy had gone home and gone to bed with a nasty hangover about 4am just like every other New Years Eve.
Somehow it doesn’t seem fair that teenagers seem to get pregnant just by looking at each other, but when you’re in your mid- or late-30s it can be downright hard work, if it works at all.
At last, she fulfilled her dream of being both too rich and too thin, when of course something went horribly, ironically wrong as she turned sideways and disappeared altogether.
Sitting alone in his dingy apartment, pants around his ankles, Dave wondered what ever became of pubic hair.
Do you ever awake in the morning, sun peeking in through the blinds, feeling as if while you slept your other personality performed in an off broadway revival of Hair?
Despite what Jack’s guidance counselor thinks, stealing department store mannequins and posing them in disturbing positions is perfectly normal behavior for healthy adolescent males.
This problem was caused by Microsoft Office system software, which was created by Microsoft Corporation.
Amnesia would be easier than this.
American Idol is only successful because Americans are mean and like to make fun of people.
Is it my optimistic imagination or did the sun come up a little more to the left this morning?
A Smart Car passed me on the interstate this afternoon, and it was the weirdest moment of my life.
My grandmother used to say of divorce - Nisht do gedachet – but, if it did a car with a big trunk large enough to hold a shovel, body and a bag of lime was much cheaper than an attorney.
There are three basic rules about space: One, space is a vacuum; Two, space is approximately 5 degrees F, although the vacuum keeps you from freezing immediately; and Three, no space movie has come close to 2001: A Space Odyssey and yes I’m including 2010 in that estimation.
Despite what the calendar tells me, I know that today is actually the first day of the new year.
The President of the College Republicans sits in front of me in Con Law class and boy does he ever fart a lot.
There are some negatives to self-employment, but they are more than offset by two factors: 1) That if you work overtime you’re doing it for yourself and, 2) most important, your word is god regarding the office music selection and volume control.
And on this day the unicorns and faeries danced and danced, and the teddy bears shat rainbows.
Today really is going to be pretty neat.
I wanted to name the band “The Beatles”, but everyone thought that was too derivative.
The house lacked justice and order, an underlying sense of propriety, and, worst of all, any butter.
While many in the nation celebrated the historic day, Juror 38 sat quietly in the courthouse waiting room most of the day, waiting his turn to be found unsuitable to help decide the fate of some well-scrubbed defendant.
An old lawyer once told me that it was important not to change anything as you studied for finals or, most importantly, took the 3-day-long California bar exam, and so I studied hard with a bottle of scotch at hand each night, shook off a hangover each morning and sailed through the exam with a residual BAC perfectly suited to the practice of law. (Edit: Technically this is a 1995 sentence, but I refuse to give up either this one or my other ‘95 sentence; file me as a rule breaker of a rule which doesn’t exist.)
Tickled by JadedBeauty’s question, I decided to google “PTMYB”, just to see what would turn up—and dudes, both acronymfinder.com and Free Dictionary have acknowledged my little acronym for my silly little page.
Around about July 18, 2009, I will become Auntie Jenny for real.
The potato is a more vengeful root than you might imagine.
If during your next road trip to Missouri you find yourself on the stretch of I-55 that takes you through the quaintly strange town of Cape Girardeau (its not near a body of water, it gets its name from an 1875 law that requires all men over the age of 18 to wear capes) make sure you stop at Elmer’s Museum, named after Elmer Delrood, who at the end of a long career as an aerospace engineer, fry cook, librarian, haberdasher and grease monkey realized that he had the finest collection of minutiae west of the Mississippi and believed it should be on display for all to see - $10.00 a head of course.
The day before his parole hearing the dapper gentlemen bandit Cecil Honeyweather, also known as the Masked Haberdasher of Florence Ave, fussed about the prison laundry pressing perfect pleats into his prison jumpsuit and fretfully wondering if after 20 years in the company of men if it was really possible for him to finally go straight.
Once your house giraffe catches even the slightest whiff of your cashew butter, you will no doubt find yourself hard-pressed to keep that long, blue tongue out of the jar.
At the same time, Bronwyn knew that if she reaped benefits from running her ass around for 20 minutes, but the sight of her ass in running gear caused the property values in the neighborhood to drop by $1,000, her action would not be Kaldor-Hicks efficient.
The moment she realized that going outside and running her ass off for 20 minutes would be an efficient gesture—deriving utility for her while not adversely affecting the pile of work on her desk—Bronwyn knew that she was Pareto efficient.
Sitting in a sun-drenched spot, longing to go outside, trapped in a dense paragraph about law and economics as defined by the Chicago School, Bronwyn vowed to find the person responsible for this.
It is a fact that a baby taken to law school classes or hanging out in front of the library will attact 3.7 times more women than a golden retreiver puppy.
If you wake up, ask your wife, “are you in labor?” and she responds, “no” and you go pick up your 8-hour-limit, check-out take-home final exam, about four hours into the exam it will become clear that those false-labor contractions are consistent and increasing in frequency.
Emotions can be like icicles, sometimes.
Upon meeting my recently acquired St. Bernard, a friend shared with me a piece of undeniably true-in-my-experience folk wisdom: If a young married couple gets a dog, they will have a baby just about exactly two years later.
It’s one thing to love to read and to love to think about complicated things and to write, but it’s a whole ‘nuther thing entirely to read 1000+ pages of incredibly complicated legal cases each week, comb them for minutiae and retain the important parts for long enough to pass the exams… right Bake?
One day you’re on a nice, boring career path in computer marketing and the next day you may find that your mind has jumped the tracks and somehow gone and signed you up for the next sitting of the law school admissions exam, which is in 16 days, and the strange thing is, you’ve never for one second in your life wanted to be a lawyer.
From ten sentences away, they watched and waited.
“His lacklustre attorney-general Alberto Gonzales, who was forced to resign in disgrace, was only the most visible of an army of over-promoted, ideologically vetted homunculi.”
The best nugget of wisdom I have ever received was given to me by a grizzled old gunnery sergeant: “Deny, deny, deny….counter-accuse.”
It’s amazing how many people apply to a press-relations writing job and when you give them a list of facts and a computer and tell them to take 20 minutes and write the opening paragraphs of a press release they can’t do it.
At 5:04pm the big earthquake hit; at 5:05pm the power went down, taking the fancy digital phone system and all the local cell towers with it; at 5:07pm I took the old phone I used for line-testing and plugged it into the modem line in the tech support computer; at 5:08pm I got off the phone with my wife; at 5:09pm I found my distraught boss and took him to the phone so he could call his family; by 5:10pm my raise and bonus was a lock.
She left home in another country with a single suitcase, semi-disowned by her parents who hated me, and I had a low-paying job, student loans, a Toyota Tercel and 90 days before her visa expired to decide if we should spend a lifetime together.
The guidebook said, “The Thais are a friendly, happy people,” to which I thought rather jadedly, “Gee, you think that might be just a tad of an overbroad stereotype?” and then I went to Thailand and discovered that the Thais are a friendly, happy people.
The old man in the park in Tsingtao came up to me, grasped my hand warmly and said, “You are the first Caucasian I’ve seen in 40 years… since WWII,” to which I responded, “How about I buy you a beer over there at the brewery?”
As long as the owner’s not a murder, the benefits of a gig housesitting a multi-million-dollar mansion cannot be overstated.
Okay, in retrospect, the cheap apartment located - I kid you not - in the alley behind the No-Tell Motel, was the perfect way to teach a young person that important life lesson, “you get what you pay for.”
The chief always preferred work that mattered.
I’ve decided to switch from vegetarian to humanitarian.
Rosie quite honestly couldn’t see anything wrong with purchasing a car purely so she could paint rainbow stripes on it and felt that a driver’s license was completely irrelevant.
The first time I ever met some Unitarians, they invited me to their youth group meeting, and I must admit, I was pretty skeptical about getting involved since I was still deeply scarred from Grandma pawning me off on summer bible study when I was eight, but then they told me they met at the local hot-tub rental place and that they didn’t wear clothes.
They say you can’t put a price on freedom, but I can, $500, and further, I can tell you how freedom smells, looks and sounds: Exactly like a 1967 VW bug.
Becky filled the skies with daisies, petals fluttering all over the world, happiness of every type falling on the unsuspecting joyously and at random.
The year before you get a car may be the longest year of your life, but if you’ve got a pair of roller skates (roller blades to you young’uns) you can sing along with Melanie, “don’t go too fast, but I go pretty far.”
The instructions for tagging your sentences advise to use capitalization when appropriate, but I do what I want anyway.
Janine expressed her suspicions to her mother – a sainted Irish mother if there ever was one – about the macramé Jesus hanging on her wall, but instead of sympathy her woman admonished her for paying homage to deities made of yarn.
Janine was certain, and perhaps a bit paranoid, that the eyes of the macramé Jesus hanging on her bedroom wall watched her a little too intently when she dressed for work each morning.
It really doesn’t matter how many daisies you pick and pluck, “I’ll lose my virginity this year; I won’t lose my virginity this year” between the ages of 12 and whenever, you won’t lose your virginity until “Daisy” picks and plucks you.
Let’s just say that if you’re a seventh grader who’s being badly treated by an eighth grade girl, you probably shouldn’t pretend you like her fifth grade sister to get back at her because the shame then and guilt later may haunt you for decades to come.
If your sixth grade teacher successfully informs the school district that he is going to have his kids meet the district-mandated five hours of PE per week by taking his half-dozen 4th-6th graders skiing every Friday afternoon during ski season, then you too will have the right to refer to that time as The Good Old Days for the rest of your life.
Ever since that perfect Spring afternoon in 1977, coming home after school and watching “I Dream of Jeannie” and “Gilligan’s Island” with his best friend and then going out and throwing rocks in the creek, well, it’s been all downhill since then.
I knew I had to make a dinner date with her the moment she said to me: “I wonder if Halloween has ever fallen on Friday the 13th, ‘cause that would be, like, tooooooo freaky.”
Please tell me you didn’t just say “The network doesn’t recognize the new, updated version of your antivirus software, which is why you’re getting a message saying we won’t let you on the network because you have no antivirus software installed.”
As inspired by: Shady180 reminding me that "Jr's" are now referred to as "2.0's"
Inspired by Bill Gates, Victor quit referring to his fuck-up teenage son as “Junior” and started calling him “Vista.”
Let me just say it takes a real twisted individual to sneak Pac Man noises into your iTunes library so they come up without warning when you’re innocently listening to random play.
“Gee, dad, I really wish you hadn’t told me that high school boys think about sex on average every 15 seconds… but it does explain a lot.”
People are like a
box of chocolates; some are no
good, so you kill them.
Somehow it came to be that there would be a year before Obama could take over, but Bush was willing to step down and in the interim Richard Nixon selflessly agreed to serve as President pro-tem, and I was *still* so freakin’ happy to see Bush go that I nearly wet myself.
The chase was a lot of fun until she stopped suddenly and I accidentally caught her.
“Honestly,” Becky snorted in disgust, “Who paddles about the ocean with a tiger…did he think the predator would play Hobbes to his Calvin?”
The man with the mullet is always guilty.
Lying amidst the tall summer grasses, Little Bear stretched in the sun and ... zzz
Showing great reserve, Miss Jane very gently pushed the woman who was standing on the esclator, talking on her mobile phone, complaining loudly about her love life, eating a pie, carrying a shopping basket and blocking the path of other shoppers - so gently, in fact, that the woman merely slid to the ground and was run over by a shopping cart, leaving barely any blood at all.
In her quest to find the latest Scrine, boot fired up the Scrine-mobile and stocked the glovebox with pie.
John Hatfield grew tired of Enos McCoy’s pedantic approach to name calling.
Einstein explained to Schrodinger’s cat that Muslims and Christians warring with each other seemed nothing more than silly kids fighting over whose imaginary friend was better, but the wily cat simply wheezed – a sound Einstein mistook for a hair ball – while wondering how that was any different from a renowned physicist talking to a cat.
Never in my life did I imagine that I could “earn” a degree by watching horror movies and reading detective novels.
Given that I used my first two wishes on a never-empty desk drawer full of good chocolate and a never-empty bottle of scotch in another desk drawer, I’m having a real tough time determining if my third wish should be that I never get fat from all the empty calories or if I never get arrested for DUI on the way home in the evening.
Do not speak to your accounting person about the importance of regular backups right after you’ve just explained to her that you have undeniable proof that her last successful backup was ten very busy days ago.
The chief would be the first to tell you that when you have to get out of bed in the middle of the night and lug a wet-vac up to the third floor to clean up water from an overflowing washing machine, then do the same thing all over again in the apartment below, there is nothing sexy about a pile of sopping wet panties.
Eastwood was outstanding but I still miss the big orange monkey.
As inspired by: A Shady180 typo in the chatbox
I hereby decree that “othern” is a perfectly proper word, as in, “I’d like any side dish othern the coleslaw.”
“If we already knew how to think like lawyers…hello?!...we wouldn’t need to go to law school in the first place!”
Well, what the hell good is that?
Without a warning,
It gave a digital, “Burp!”
Then erased the drive.
Bronwyn’s dreams of having lunch before her 1 p.m. meeting were dashed when she placed some stale bread in the toaster, turned the toaster on and returned two minutes later to toast that had sprouted brilliant constellations of mold across its surface.
You know the economy is bad when your mail carrier starts showing up two hours earlier than before and complaining there’s no mail to sort and deliver.
Pat Robertson stopped by to welcome Muriel into The 700 Club, but quickly grew uncomfortable when Muriel found the monkey wings inside of an old, vinyl bowling ball bag.