Welcome to 2009; please try not to fuck it up.
If I hear one more thing about Twilight’s bastardized version of vampires, I’ll take a hostage.
It looks like a year without an 8 in it, that’s how.
I claw my way out of the murky depths that was the past month, and I stagger towards the welcoming light that is the Scrine.
At the time it scared me, but now I recall with joy at the irony, my father using the full paper grocery bag of unopened bills to light a warming fire in the fireplace when I was a child.
This year I resolve not to curse at the dumb fucks who crowd me out of the YMCA for the first two weeks of January every year.
Transitioning boundaries in the artificial demarcations of the human calendar always makes me thing about what is real and what is not real and the important difference between the two.
The plumber had quite a few favorite phrases; many of them were fairly ironic.
Jen turned around, her hair whirling about her head, and fake tears glistening on her cheeks; as she left him Tim couldn’t help but wish that she would trip on her wedding dress, but he knew in some small part of his brain that it is impossible for bullets to trip.
Will you tell that beautiful sunshine and sweet Summer air to just shut up - I’ve got books to be reading!
The neighborhood girls hated skipping rope with old, fat Mr. Beckins, who always insisted on them using the “one batch, two batch, Three batch four” fried potato rhyme.
When we announce “we bought a dozen bourbon balls from Gayle’s!,” you have a choice: you may snigger like a 14-year-old boy, or you may partake of a bourbon ball or three, but you may not do both.
We went to Capitola by way of Watsonville—but not by mistake.
My dream is that someday kids won’t learn the definition of the word “hypocrisy” from their churchgoing friends.
The carpenter had placed the sign above the hidden door yet again, when the masked woman walked up behind him and muttered “no, it’s still not quite right”.
The IRS agent rolled his eyes when he discovered the perp had named his shell company “Laundromat Enterprises, Inc.”
In the spring, I’m having a fence constructed around my backyard so I can open a hooker petting zoo.
Amicable, quirky woman looking for a highly secret and intriguing League to join.
Possibly this is one of the few places I can come and share weird words I have discovered, purely from the joy of looking through old dictionaries.
I keep my woman busy in the kitchen instead of wasting valuable baking time on the internet.
While my dear, sweet Henry does indeed live the apple life, I’m afraid I must confess his days are more horse than tree.
Her secret glee at beating the children at their own board games was difficult to hide.
Polly felt a little guilty for lying to her boyfriend’s wife, but turnabout was always fair play in her book.
The young Liza Minelli was a startling hammerhead with even more startling big eyes which made her so cute and adorable – in a whorey sort of way – but then soaring too high from fame she brushed against the sun and melted
Einstein knew not to sleep naked the night he had the vet neuter Schrodinger’s cat; the cat paced on the bed where the great physicist slept, limping from the pain in his sore nether regions and purring menacingly as he extended his razor sharp claws – swiping the air above the aging scientist’s balls wisely protected by an athletic cup – the cat’s glowering yellow eyes said it all, “I see you still have yours…but not for long!
Minimalist Jones threw a party each year
To honor all the world’s bad jokes,
“There’ll be a few women there,”
He replied when I asked,
“But expect to see mostly blokes.”
I cheated at dreidel several times this year.
Santa had wondered who the slightly unnerving librarian was that haunted his dreams, and when he finally found her home, he knew he would need the other list.
“Well, if my math is correct,” Carl told the bartender, “that’ll work out just about perfect, because on this day about 50 years ago, a lecherous old man was born.”
Goodness Gracious, someone has found a way to (kind of) imortalize our ABSM with lights…YEAH!
Dear guest,
Watching you be “Santa” by sneaking toys into your room while your children slept was the sweetest thing I have seen all day…Thank you and Merry Christmas.
Mouse left the windows unlocked in anticipation that Jenna Jameson-Claus would reward his naughtiness by slinking over to his mantel to stuff his stocking with special toys and an autographed thong.
Now accepting your nominations!
There are hillbillies fornicating on my front lawn.
Rajiit Singh – who spoke English better then many who claim it as their primary language – found himself fighting mixed feelings of amusement and horror that many Americans, showing no tolerance for any language except American English, and demanding that it be the only language within the borders of the United States, spoke their beloved mother tongue like drunken hillbillies who never made it past grade 7.
I often wonder why it is that man
called Shakespeare had to force his iambic
pentameter so often; “fraud!” I say.
We all come here, to
this place where a sentence is
all that is required.
Wishing all of you a happy, healthy holiday full of tenderness for the past, courage for the present and hope for the future.
Polly came to realize that the two most unpredicable things in life were the those she couldn’t do without: computers and men.
If you take her as she is and draw her in she will wrap her pure humanity around you and teach you, soft and smiling, the harmless error of your ways, the way to be real, the warm, moist kiss of who you can be.
After spending $599 on a new laptop, I found out the hard way that Open Office isn’t nearly as good as Microsoft Office;
After spending $190 on Microsoft Office, I found out the hard way that it cost $50 per issue to speak to a Microsoft “specialist;”
I have one thing to say: Bill Gates better not let me catch him in the streets.
“If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, then you must first invent the universe.”
Grandpa can always be found
‘Round Christmas time swimming
In an expensive glass of bourbon
Next to the fire and our tree,
Covered in pine needles saying things like:
“How can I sleep while you’re playing that music?
And, truly, this makes it all worthwhile.
Christmas in Summer has it’s own special flavour.
I am sitting here in my uncomfortable wooden chair in front of a glowing screen singing a thousand nameless songs, and trying out words, hoping to accurately describe this moment, this picture in a high school history book that never made it to the publishers. It all falls on me, really, me, and this short bit of prose that is. Together we must accurately describe the stars reflected in a young girl’s eyes as she walks up the steps hand in hand with a boy that she has yet to discover, and into their first prom. And it is up to us, my fingers, this keyboard and notepad to tell the thousand untold stories, to sing the songs of a thousand lonely people who yern for their parents to be understanding. Yes, it is up to us to describe this moment - the one where all common sense is lost and we give ourselves completely.
His lies and her love consumed her making even the slightest actions almost unbearable.
Snow day is code for trapped in the house because it’s too cold outside to breathe.
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a duck-billed platypus.
She dined solely on delicious egg nog, and wondered abstractly why her pants didn’t fit any more.
Most of the best things in life are fermented.
Keanu isn’t
even as close to great as
Michael Rennie was.
When running with the bulls watch your footing.
Dawa Chodron brought many a tattered American soul to spiritual bliss through this daily businessmen’s lunch special, so much so that his patron’s affectionately referred to him as the Deli Lama for his wisdom – for example – pastrami is a meat best served with horseradish served on rye, roast beef should be sliced so thin that the flavor has no nook or cranny to hide in, but tuna, under no circumstances, should be mixed with water chestnuts - a doctrine that even the most hardened Wall Street stock broker could appreciate.
Dawa Chodron left his native Nepal to come to New York and open a deli because Americans, he felt, would only become enlightened if they could get it at a lunch counter with a big kosher pickle and a side of Mama Chodron’s Fourth of July Potato Salad.
“I hit him so hard I knocked the starch outta his shirt!”
With the help of my patented Stretch & Starve™ eating exercises, you will be able to properly prepare yourself for any holiday meal.
Is it yours?
Bernard Madoff’s Misconduct Said to Date to 1970s
Insurance is such a pessimist bet as it’s basically me telling my insurance agent: “I bet my house burns down, all my vehicles will be destroyed and all my worldly possessions will be obliterated by the end of the year” while he stonily looks at me and says “Put your money where your mouth is, old man, the price is $3500”; then at the end of the year he smiles and says “Pay up sucker! Oh yeah, wanna go double or nothing for next year?” as I shrug and sheepishly nod, yes.
Snow, crushed beneath feet
is now rain underneath mine?
(damn global warming)
For Mrs. Montgomery, the true miracle of Christmas was the words left unspoken and the tears left unshed.
As all the crazy women walked by, some alone, many in small groups and packs, Carl resisted the urge to poke at them with his stick, having thoroughly learned his lesson the last time.
Unless they can stop the dreaming, psychologists are quite useless.
Asian blossoms open to welcome the doomed sun as it shines down on the oblivious activity of people unaware that the blooming in winter of this particular tree, beside a tiny brook in a craggy ravine in the mountains of Nepal, is one of many portents of the end of the world.
“The jellyfish on the rocks make a really cool popping sound when you poke them with a stick,” said Juanita, Jr., just an hour before getting stung by one while boogie boarding.
No one ever remembered the best SIM game of all, SIM Tower.
I drive by his house and I do not wish him well; I refrain from doing donuts on his lawn, however.
White Christmas is the new black tar.
Judging by the sheer number of Japanese tourists, and the cash they’re laying down at the Coach and Louis Vuitton stores, we should embrace our own financial meltdown, cuz it’s all gonna work out just fine.
Honolulu is not exactly a city that never sleeps—I caught it catnapping for 15 minutes at about 4:45am.
I think that when you need a shower at five a.m. every morning and you haven’t had water for four days, you begin to see that your real friends are those that will unlock the door at four forty-five.
The poor snickers bar never understood why all of the hershey, butterfinger and one thousand grand bars laughed whenever he walked into the room.
Who needs exercise anyway?
A sudden change in the jet stream sent Hurricane Cheryl hurtling through Denver leaving used Kleenexes and other bits of detritus behind as she cut a swath from my living room to Salem…but it was still great to see her.
Here are three offensive, twisted, and hilarious videos to get you all into the Christmas spirit!
He had all my smurfs crammed into one room like a horrible smurf orgy on the farm gone wrong and now his vibrating bunny and the poison dart frog are going for a ride on a tractor.
You’re the penis fish that no surgery can remove.
In my opinion, the majority of police officers were overweight children that were picked on unmercifully and now they want to get even with the world.
In the tropics, I dreamed of snow.
Deep down we’re all somebody’s alien.
If the planet is kind enough to rain on you, the least you can do is have the decency to be saturated by it, plus, I’m pretty sure they’re not the kind of arms referred to in anyone’s constitution you inconsiderate git.
I’m not saying I would *definitely* join a revolution, but if someone stood up and shouted the word aloud, I’d listen to what he has to say.
Sometimes, I see my neighbor’s dog looking out the window and I wonder if he thinks Vegas might be his kind of town.
$60 for a game that will be played maybe twice and $55 for a pair of jeans that will be torn up after three wears…
Billy never thought about putting his ford under a tarp; in fact, the only things that he ever thought about putting under a tarp were grills and dead people.
go
inside the tent, mouse.
Christmas is officially here now that I have begun the annual ritual of english toffee production (followed quickly by the ritual of english toffee consumption).
There are people out there that don’t like cake.
“Would you eat a cockroach slathered in butter?
The hair in my nostrils made a soft “pffft” sound as the steam rising off my coffee thawed them out on my walk home – it was 10 degrees below 0 at 8:00AM when I made my daily trek to Starbucks.
Sometimes Tom felt like that piece of toilet paper that people had stuck to their hundred dollar shoes as they walked out of the bathroom - an embarrassing tagalong to an otherwise snazzy scene; his friends felt the same way.
Never assume your hat feels at home; it is only truly happy when it’s on the move.
The chief stopped shoveling the ice and snow on the five acre property long enough to take the tenant’s emergency call regarding the cold draft they felt coming under their front door.
Around our house, breakfast for dinner is an under-appreciated phenomenon; lunch for breakfast, though, is much vaunted.
“Hee-hee,” said the very first (alien) Pope (whose name is long lost to history, having penned his writings oh-so-many millenia B.C.), “those silly Jews bought my forged directives hook, line and sinker that they’re not supposed to eat pork and crab and the other good stuff, leaving more for me and my (alien) friends.”
Victoria figured if four different doctors each told her she had six months to live that give her two years.
The shitty melamine on the cabinets next to my stove is melting—I suspect the Chinese probably watered it down with milk or something.
The butter aliens, safely hidden away inside the udders of a billion unsuspecting creatures, slowly implemented their plan of world domination, some on toast, others as the base of seductive sauces.
Looks like the weather will be getting better just in time for my parents to leave town and return to the balmy climes of Philadelphia.
I have an unnatural love of candy canes, which results in my leaving Christmas parties with handfuls of striped candy goodness.
My ponzi scheme collapse is bigger than your credit default swap failure.
Aliens are the strange creatures that don’t eat all the yummy concentrated sources of protein that aren’t smart enough, fast enough or cute enough to escape the garlic-butter sauce.
If not, how do you explain the existence of people who openly and enjoyably eat molluscs?
The angry American would never get within shoe throwing distance, a fact that made him, well, quite angry.
When someone in your camping party becomes distraught over hygiene or increasingly unruly hair, gently remind them that while mirrors or hot running water may not grow on trees, fortunately for them, toilet paper does.
Gertrude looked at the poor kitty huddled on her doorstep trying to escape the storm.
I hate entropy.
I, who have not bought Macs for the last 18 years, am going to buy a Mac as my next computer if Vista is not scrapped for XP or something 100% backward compatible with XP before then.
Sure I stared at you,
smiling naked on that wall.
What young boy wouldn’t?
There’s something colourful on the horizon.
...Bettie Page, you will be missed.
Hey, Boot, ya think your new cybernannystate is gonna let you hang out with dangerous birdbrains in your brave new world?
The only thing worth attending in this God-Forsaken town happens once a year and I forget the damn dates…
One of the words I managed to work into a sentence today: fugue (and then petrichor).
During the pre-week planning phase, God thought that maybe sperm could serve as the original fossil fuel, but when he gazed off into the not-so-distant future and caught the first glimpse of millions of men humping away at the fenders of their cars, he decided against it.
Roy patted his empty pockets with trepidation as he watched dozens of dogs and cats he had owned in his lifetime run toward him over the verdant fields of the Afterlife; it was bad enough he had died without the foresight to bring treats for them all, but he was sure that, when they finally arrived in Heaven together, all his old pets would want to sleep on the bed.
So I decided to kill some time while waiting for my parents’ flight to arrive…by logging on to Ravelry and seeing if my mother was online.
“I’m okay with the idea of dying,” said Jukebox McGill, “but if there’s such a thing as the Rainbow Bridge, where your pets are waiting to walk with you to Heaven, I’m going to have a problem, ‘cause there’s a few hound dogs on the other side, I owe ‘em some money.”
As inspired by: 'mouse's I just noticed
Following the bloody coup and the Retarded Revolution, no one was surprised to find an Armadillo running the country.
She’s been gone almost two years, but I still miss the joy and beauty that Anna Nicole brought to our otherwise drab existences.
The United States government is run by people without the intelligence of a retarded armadillo.
Sure, it’s very peaceful now, but it just seems so lacking in… sigh
When one of your buddies asks you what you thought of the final exam, and your response is a vigorous “What do I think? F*** that sh**! is what I think!,” and buddy asks, “So do you hate [name of professor] now?,” and your reply is “[heavy sigh] Nooooo, I don’t, I just can’t, I love her too much,” that’s when you know it’s the Real Thing.
The Talking Heads really ought to call their lawyer and complain about that David Byrne guy ripping off their sound.
Juan eyed the sole remaining Guinness in the fridge, looked a second time, and then decided that beer for breakfast on a work day probably was not a good idea.
The drive-in theater not only required a car, but once served as the breeding ground for the nation’s future consumers.
As Car Czar, I promise to do everything within my power to revive the ailing and nearly dead drive-in theater industry to it’s rightful place in American culture.
My wife says the new jacket she bought me is a very nice color or not strange at all.
As inspired by: Scrabble
we love q.
I’m back, with lunch, even!
My favorite childhood memory (namely, my father teaching me to make snow angels in the front yard) was ruined as I grew older and realized that he had simply been drunk and unconscious while I moved his arms and legs around trying to revive him.
I have every reason to believe it would be in the best interests of this country to appoint me Car Czar.
Internet: Come for the porn, stay for the gynecology lessons.
When asked to explain why she had put her older sister’s name on the coal side of Santa’s Naughty or Nice list, little Edit looked up and said flatly, “Piercings.”
Jason sat down in his easy chair by his tv, thinking simply about what had transpired while he swirled the remainder of his only bottle of red wine in the bottom of it’s glass, and while he though he couldn’t help but get a little bent out of shape; a second glass lay on the table, unused, and his phone (his only companion that night) lay on the couch beside him not making a sound, and certainly not saying “sorry” or “oh, we had plans?” like she had.
Today I learned where orange juice comes from. [Edit: Stupid interwebbynethingy]
Google has confirmed my suspicions.
The CIA agents who bug your car have no idea what happened to your Hootie and the Blowfish CD, none at all, but suggest you not ask too many questions and just be happy with David Bowie’s Greatest Hits.
I tend to imagine vividly all the generous gifts and acts of kindness I might offer at this season, and then I crawl back into my hole until February.
It was a homemade beverage mix made from what could only have been a combination of Nestea instant tea, powdered apple cider and essence of gym socks; still, it was hot and redolent of cinnamon, and what with the office thermostat constantly set below 60 degrees, a downright comfort.
Contrary to traditional wisdom it is, in fact, important to live in denial these days because the robots that hunt us in the streets have poor eyesight and key primarily on our fear.
Surrounded by chaos, Samuel blinked in dazed incomprehension, wondering why he was left with the fallout of the perfectly innocent sentence, ‘don’t worry, I thought of everything!’
Selma patted the glass pane in proprietary manner as she surveyed the new terrarium and the shivering creatures huddled together in the furthermost corner - sheer genius on her part of course, to acquire another pet; it would not do however to get sentimental and so wondered out loud if they bred in captivity, if only so she might watch them throw themselves violently apart even as she absentmindedly played with the air vents.
The fact that the date was horrible didn’t bother Polly as much as the fact that she wasted a perfectly good outfit and makeup.
Work gives me the blues.
When I die, I want my epitaph to read: “He never even had a rubber duck(ie) of his own.”
I had to smile when I walked into my own home to find my “kid” brother (now 27) hanging by his ankles in my office closet , field-stripping a .45 while singing “Just a Spoonful of Sugar”.
As inspired by: Jo's A Pin Dropped
I am thoroughly convinced that once a day a wave of awkward silence washes over the earth, and after the moment (or moments, depending on the time of the day, and pull of the moon in your area) men all over are heard telling their girls “I love you too,” and women in huge vaulted churches are heard saying “I do(?).”
Some days it feels like sitting at my desk waiting for the phone to ring is a lot like watching NASCAR races—you know there’s going to be a crash, you just don’t know who, when and how bad.
Because life is temporary and all is in transition at all times, the people of the world decided to anchor time for one minute in which everything would be completely silent; it didn’t work.