Contrary to popular belief, the original lyrics to “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” were “Tomorrow is just a today away,” but the producers wouldn’t have it, because they felt that it was much to pessimistic.
Joelly Fisher has great legs!
As inspired by: JadedBeauty's Bragging rights Part II
I love this new DVD technology – no messing with the cable box trying to determine what goes where – just plug the yellow, white and red connectors into the front of your television and, voila, Amelie.
After throwing several not-even-close airballs, the tiny boy with the giant head of hair tells his companions on the basketball court, “The only thing I still have to work on is balancing my power.”
I just hooked up my own DTV box and fixed my own internet.
I *really* needed to make a dump run on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, but then I remembered the lesson of Alice’s restaurant and thought better of it, making four successfull dump runs on Friday which did not, thankfully, involve me landing in group W somewhere down the road.
Captain Economic Freedom enjoyed sitting in his rocker, his cape and red boots drying by a toasty fire, as he regaled the younger Justice Leaguers with stories of his being the first truly post modern superhero, but the Dynamic Socialist Duo and the Red Anarchist always begged to differ with his egoistic self aggrandizing.
The Hyper-Vigilante – guardian of those who suffer PTSD – travels about the country in overalls and a cape, and his utility belt fitted with a hammer and duct tape so he will be prepared to fix any situation that arises.
“A Wal-Mart employee in suburban New York died after being trampled by a crush of shoppers who tore down the front doors and thronged into the store early Friday morning, turning the annual rite of post-Thanksgiving bargain hunting into a ...”
“Why, yes, certainly, at times like this I could just stay calm and put it all in perspective,” said Miss Jane as she looked beatifically upon the bloodied and mangled array, “however, I believe we all must follow our own particular path.”
It was a solemn vow, carefully worded so as to not exclude pie.
Whenever I think about Wilbur, I get mighty hungry for some ham.
Hi everyone!
Gervis was a terrible prankster—and by that I mean he didn’t pull terrible pranks, but that he was terrible at pulling them—like today at lunch, when he started to laugh because he thought he’d really gotten one over on us by switching the butter from regular to unsalted.
you can share mine.
As inspired by: Br. Ezra's Cotlillion Theory
When Br. Ezra hit his one-thousandth post we could all tell that his enthusiasm could now be measured in plain old normal giveashits, but he was still a ways off from gigagivashits.
“You’re the 7th and I’m 8th - sweetie, you resolve me.”
The United Nations has been around 60+ years and the only thing they’ve accomplished is a Christmas Card that doesn’t look *too* bad if you squint while viewing it.
“We can go fast if you want, because I’m not a retard.”
They may act like it, but dogs are not our li’l babies - they are alien lifeforms with inexplicable motives and soft, soft fur.
One morning, young Carmen stopped believing in Santa Claus; in the mid-afternoon, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny had lost their cachet, and by dinner time Carmen was an avowed atheist, demanding to know if coffee would really stunt her growth.
The turducken is the result of a mid flight migratory accident and not a delicacy, although if you are a person who enjoys Rocky Mountain oysters and jellied cranberries then eating a duck embedded in a turkey’s ass is most likely gourmand.
Robby was a charming little robot – little propeller beanie and cute little claw like hands groping clumsily everything it touched – but, his lack of mechanical dexterity rendered him unreliable as a museum guard.
My family has plans to celebrate Thanksgiving in the most traditional way, by getting the neighbors drunk and taking their land by force.
“Those graphics are too small,” my son said to me, “because that’s either a hot chick riding a bullet or a cricket in tan trousers, I can’t tell.”
If the answer is yes, will you read it in my eyes, or will you simply think, like others before you, “she has a secret I cannot know”?
Fr. Logan broke divine wind during mass causing his robes to rustle softly as if a ghost had silently slipped by him while he was at his altar.
I want to steal you from this place, but I will not take what is not mine to have, and I will not take without first asking with my eyes.
When a normally uncooperative 5-year old child cleans up his toys and brushes his teeth with no prompting whatsoever, rest assured that, regardless of what it says in the Bible, the Apocalypse is nigh.
As proof that making plans is an ineffective tactic, my plans to do no cooking on Thanksgiving have morphed into my cooking not one, but two turkeys.
When someone slips you a brand new dishwasher for no good reason, just take it.
The night felt like crème de menthe poured generously over a mountain of vanilla ice cream.
This could be the beer, Zoloft, Effexor and Welbutrin talking, but I feel kind of strange.
Minimalist Jones was somewhat the expert
On the topic of turkey snoods;
“It’s dangly and gross,
And turns red when upset,
Much like my wife in one of her moods.”
No one eats the snood,
but then, I’m not sure it goes
well with potatoes.
As the newest Lady Turnpot descended into the kitchen wrapped only in her celery-green dressing gown, her creamy bosom rising and falling like a temperamental soufflé, her tart mouth pursed in distaste, the sous-chef whispered to the scullery boy, “I don’t know what to make of her.”
Not much of a life,
really; *gobble* *gobble* THWACK
Then served with stuffing.
As inspired by: Br. Ezra's What Has Become of Me and My Life?
Is it possible to Platonically spank a friend of the opposite gender, excluding birthdays, or is just a cleaner version of mutual masturbation?
My cute twenty something neighbor, unnaturally preoccupied with cellulite in this the flower of her youth, mooned me yesterday asking me what I thought – you have a cute little ass, should have sufficed – but she insisted that I give it a slap to ensure it didn’t ripple like cottage cheese – it didn’t – and so, feeling relieved, she decided it best to model her new teddy for me as she hoped it would make her new boyfriend happy on their first weekend away.
I just bought my first Christmas tree EVER!
I am not sure what nastification process cranberries most go through before they can be made to slide out of a can – ploop – wiggling as it comes to rest on the relish tray, but I sure as hell wish it would stop!
It was a quiet, overcast day in the late fall of 2008 when I heard the sickening snap of the camel’s back.
The chief worked slowly at the tape that sealed shut the apartment’s third floor sliding door, cursing the ex-residents who had put it there, but also glad that it had prevented another incident of the father dangling his teenage daughter over the railing, threatening to drop her.
No one wanted to say it out loud, but we all knew in the pit of our stomach that, as we had always feared in our nightmares, the polka-dotted handkerchief covering the face of the shop owner’s dead body meant that the Clown Mafia had returned.
And speaking of enlightenment, happily there are only 8 more scrines until Br. Ezra joins us here amongst the Scrine clouds of enlightenment.
I love this place. That is all. (Oh, and I broke the rules)
Incandescent light bulbs must hate me in the early hours of morning.
It is tomorrow now, but I’m sad to say that I did not notice today’s passing.
“You look like a fermata, and I could just hold you all day.”
I smile every time I see a large breasted woman wearing a T-shirt that says “Don’t” on one boob and “Touch” on the other.
Undoubtedly the worst part about becoming a Spice Cop was the mandatory physical, where members of the male persuasion were told to turn their head and “kaffir.”
Sadly the position of elf was taken for the year, so Tammy resigned herself to working as a cashier in the halls of corporate greed and upselling.
Is it safe to assume that St. Anthony’s throne is made of small precious things.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Keith, Br. Ezra, someone… call me a doctor
I hope Bakerina excels in law school and becomes a prosecutor so she can someday prosecute American Apparel Co. for crimes against fashion.
I have seen just about everything there is to see on the internet, and I enjoy objectifying and degrading women as much as the next middle-aged, heterosexual American male, but something about having girl #2’s ass flashed in my face while I was trying to read the local news headlines finally made me snap and swear, “someone ought to regulate this shit.”
I have run the complete gamut today and the day is nowhere near finished; I am almost at the point of being naked out on the lawn brandishing a large weapon, yelling at all the neighbors, but don’t worry; I’m fine.
As inspired by: Keith's Oh Doctor, I’m Having Such Trouble Interpreting This
oh honey, how odd; I have that dream all the time, except instead of me dangling from a crane line, it’s you hanging from a rope in the bedroom; aren’t dreams funny?
I have never dreaded a class as much as I do the one in 33 minutes.
Don’t worry, honey, your embarrassing ordeal—you know, where you were dangling from the crane line over the quarry and, as you spun around, those of us trying to rescue you could see that you weren’t wearing any panties—was only a dream I had last night, so no one even imagines that it happened, except me once in awhile during the day, and of course, maybe anyone I might happen to tell, but what are the odds I’d talk about that dream to anyone?
We cannot, caught as we are in such a torrent of concern, dance like when the world was young and we danced, for lack of distraction, to celebrate every new dawning of every empty day.
I see that you have had a fantastic evening…honeymoon suite, two women of obvious loose character…But in the future could you please refrain from throwing money at me, telling me to keep the extra ($200), then coming back and asking if you had change?
Oh hideous; the thought of them together is extremely skeevy.
Someday I would like to be in the list of top five scriners; if that’s not possible, then at least the top 10.
Always choose Latin whenever possible: Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate
I would give many and splendid things for a ripe pomegranate at this moment.
As inspired by: Keith's The PNA Series: Wolverines & Secrets
It’s a little-known fact that secrets can only be whispered to wolverines while they are asleep, under a full moon, during a month ending in “t”.
If you find yourself overburdened with a secret while in the deep wilderness, keep in mind that the wolverine, while a great keeper of secrets, will fight your every attempt to whisper in its ear with savage ferociousness.
“I’m delighted to report that our phone tap caught you red-handed, trying to curry favor with a public servant,” Mayor Ginger said with relish.
“Ma’am, I don’t care how sharp his claws are, this is a job for firefighters, not the SWAT team,” snarled Captain Jones.
I regret nothing more terribly then looking up the definition of a Dirty Sanchez which, as it turns out, is a real act.
I bet the bad idea people would be good for recycling, although I can’t for the life of me figure out what to make out of them.
The Queen of Tartar surveyed her troops, with a happy sigh.
“I don’t know if Rosemary’s an informant, but she’s getting way too friendly with the pigs for my comfort,” commented Lester.
By evening’s end, John the Conqueror, who’d ran a shady little gambling den on just about every block of the neighborhood for as long as anyone could remember, had been hung out to dry.
As the last embers in the fire died, Officer Paprika looked at his wife lovingly and said, “Come to bed CorriAnn dear.”
Officer Sandalwood couldn’t believe how terrible her luck was… some stupid girl band had stolen her nickname and she could no longer respectably be called Sporty Spice.
I would have been happy to explain the situation and take total blame for the mistake had you not been a total bitch about it…Your room is on the second floor and I’m sorry, we do not have an elevator…Enjoy your stay.
As inspired by: Br. Ezra's Apartheid
In Texas, cashiers at the pizza places have no idea what you’re talking about when you say “Canadian bacon”, and tend to gawk at you like a fish peering through their bowl.
Clove’s hideout was beginning to reek and she worried, with good reason, that the scent of apples would never be enough to hide her from the Spice Hounds.
Her smile was like a faded white - lackluster and uninterested - and it never touched her eyes.
Tweed Uppercut – placing a six pack in front of his friend Buzz Jones – suggested that after downing a couple Schlitz they could give each other a Brazilian, but Buzz Jones – normally quite congenial by nature, though it would take more than a couple of brewskis before he could drip hot wax around his friend’s hairy butt crack, said he would prefer to watch the Bronco’s game on cable – thank you very much!
Some days are so elegantly beautiful that one might even feel generous enough to feel kindly towards butterflies.
Not only does misery not love company, it finds it intensely annoying and usually shoos it right back out the front door.
I smile all the damn time, because the lines are a-coming like it or not, so they might as well be ones of laughter instead of misery.
I just smile, once in awhile because I don’t want the lines on my face.
As inspired by: OhNo789's Marshmallow LOVERS (Put me in cuffs, Keith)
Although enticed by the options available for raising the temperature to that needed to melt marshmallows, Elvinia decided instead to go with the Fluff.
“If you love marshmallows so much, then you should just go out and buy a whole fucking bag of marshmallows; you don’t need us to provide the mini-marshmallows for your every whim and fantasy… oh… well.. we COULD provide for that one, granted that you send us a copy of the tape.”
Every adjective McMillen knew had been bent and broken during the writing of the company newsletter, and now they sat exhausted, tucked away in some corner of McMillan’s brain, refusing to come out again until they’d had a nice long weekend’s rest.
Fender learned the hard way that ‘oh, just you wait’ is an awkward response to one’s boss professing to be looking forward to reading one’s report.
I wonder if my idea of justifiable homocide is within the bounds of the law…
As inspired by: bakerina's p.s.
While not as convenient as a phone booth, nor as funky as a black & white swirling vortex, the bungee cord definitely has speed on its side.
Ron “Buddha” Jeremy taught that enlightenment is as simple as telling the large plastic clown at the drive through to biggie size your number 2 combo.
Exactly how much bungee cord does one need for a three-week freefall?
She stood on the precipice, picked up her books and fell off the face of the earth—but not before checking to make sure her bungee cord was secure and intact.
I am a bear ‘mouse of very little brain, but I’m pretty sure when one bank wants to loan me money for less than another will pay me to put it in a CD, something is seriously amiss.
“So let me get this straight,” said the teenaged, purple-haired Bronwyn to the doughy middle-aged woman claiming to be her future self, “George Bush’s idiot son has run the country into the ground, the World Trade Center has been blown off the face of the earth, the Soviets aren’t called Soviets anymore, and nobody pays much attention to nuclear weapons unless they’re being built in North Korea or Iran, Arnold Schwarzenegger—Arnold Schwarzenegger? we’re talking about the guy who plays the killer robot and Conan the Barbarian, right?—is the governor of California, the most popular shows on television are called “reality tv” even though they’re heavily scripted by non-unionized writers, and the best political commentary on tv is made by the guy who does the sports features on CNN…do you have any more of that chocolate-chip-mint-flavored angel dust you are obviously on?”
Bananas, once thought to be a binding agent, have been clinically proven to be beneficial to colon health – thanks to vitamin B-6 – and while the word “bananas” is not as funny as “corn,” the most hilarious word in the English language, it is at least as noble as the infamous yellow vegetable.
I should probably be thankful that I’m not so bludgeoned by news of the melting economy that I’m inured to news of a) the upcoming expiration of the START treaty or b) the Russians still hating us, but somehow “thankful” is not the word that comes to mind.
Even though the quick fix took less than two minutes to finish, the chief was not able to avoid her telling him the complete history of her cat.
When someone slips you $100 for no good reason, just take it.
When I grow up I want to be Sid Haig.
We had puddles!
What would have seemed poor planning a year ago (failing to reinvest my 401K rollover from my previous job, and instead letting it sit in the savings account) now looks like exceptional foresight, and I refuse to disabuse anyone of that impression.
In one of my first sentences I asserted that Keith would one day combine all the sentences into one coherent work; now, I’m not so sure, given the state of the world and coherence in general.
Never involve yourself in Keith’s Scrabble game if obscure latin obscenities are acceptable game play.
I feel like a hand puppet, but not in a good way.
The best advice I ever read was on a bottle of aspirin: “Keep Away From Children”.
Our thanksgiving feast- Bill the sleepy turkey - was always hopped up down on something or other, and, while dad always said that it was nothing, I could swear that I had seen Bill actually EATING other turkeys for a tryptophan-induced high low.
I’m not even going to attempt to write a sentence to stand up to the headline which represents, when put together like that, two of my favorite words in the English language.
so i’m pee-rusing the new post index feature tryna see when suddenly returned prodigals elisson and glee riot were last here before their mysterious (abductions?)dissappearances when suddenly i notice that, immediately following ME in that very index, are (dun-dun-dun): Elisson and Glee Riot!!!
It’s curious how attractive robots find elbows, and I mean that in every way imaginable.
After retrieving the morning paper, I immediately flip to the obituaries and gloat.
i had worried, when i was separated from my job in 2006, not only about ceasing to contribute my checkly pittance towards retirement, but about instead having to borrow back what i had so recently put in, simply to weather the oncoming storm; now, having entered my third year of happy re-employment, still insufficiently paid to allow for any additional retirement allotments, it seems i will not have have lost so much after all having already “borrowed from myself” the proceeds that would otherwise be diminishing as we speak?
To whom ever confessed that Christmas music makes them homocidal, please, for the safety of everyone, stay the hell away from Wal-Mart for the madness has begun.
Juanita did not find the equisite torture of watching their retirement become fodder for future generations of rocking-chair-on-the-front-porch-based Great Depression storytelling nearly as enjoyable as Juan seemed to find it.
I went to the cupboard, and only was it not bare, it was full of healthy snacks and fresh fruit.
The stock trader on the NYSE floor looked at the computer, thought, “Do I do what the computer model tells me to do or do I do what my heart and mind tell me to do?” and then he burst into flame.
Croquet ball substitute when no hedgehogs are handy.
Dislodging stuck kites (and tennis shoes) from trees when no long sticks or rocks are handy and your tennis shoes are already stuck in the tree along with the kite.
Dr. Leopold discovered that the conscience is very much like the hymen: Once it is breached by that first lie, ethical breach or outright crime, chances of its recovery are near-zero and those who say otherwise are deluding themselves.
If Angie was a mother, she could give the overly paranoid 6,434,312 “the look” and change the world for the better, then maybe take them out for ice-cream to show how proud she was, if only…
boff (also boffo, boffola)—outstanding (usually refers to box office performance); ” ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ has been boffo at the B.O.” (See also, socko, whammo)
OSHA began cracking down on the trapeze in the Ringling Bros. corporate offices when several vertically challenged accountants broke arms and legs when traveling from accounting to logistics.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Kersplatt as business opportunity
Politburo chief Ivegotze Trotskey snuck into Juan’s warehouse late one night putting tiny pin pricks into the air cushion suicide catchers as he would be damned if those capitalist pigs on Wall Street would live without consequences.
The email claimed that taking the little blue pill would save me from embarrassment, so when I couldn’t remember my presentation material at work the other day, and the other employees started to snicker and the bosses all began to frown, I popped a couple of those things into my mouth, just to help me get through it, and believe me, when you’re standing in front of all your coworkers, those pills just made matters a whole lot worse.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Kersplatt as business opportunity
Juan made his second million during the depths of the Great Depression of 2008 much faster than he made his first million when he started enforcing the ironclad “all consequences” liability waiver his lawyers inserted in the pre-dive fine print and then rigged up the air cusion to with ropes on each side and charged $100 a person to the gathering tourists who wanted the opportunity to, if they wished, pull aside the cushion at the last minute.
As inspired by: Br. Ezra's At the Corner of Wall Street & Kasplatt
Inspired by a single sentence on the obscure website, Scrine, Juan made his first million in the depths of the Great Depression of 2008 when he bought a used firefighters’ “air cushion” suicide catcher, bashed out a tenth-story window on a Wall Street skyscraper, and started charging $100 a head to stock brokers and others who wanted to do “the dive” without consequences (since they’d grown up entirely without consequences, why start now).
He wobbled and stumbled, boggy and distended, from the dining table to the groaning dread of the overworked couch.
Life’s a bitch and I can’t control her.
Tammy had sunk to new lows; now she was ranking below office worker extraordinaire and forced to become a seasonal sales associate at a local department store; she couldn’t be far from a job requiring a hairnet now.
how is it that we now find ourselves living in an era where the PIRATES are winning?
If this is supposed to convince me that I like Vista, maybe they should make sure the website actually works…
As inspired by: Keith's Dammit, Agnes
e says: o foof!
I have never felt closer to a group of people, not even in the porta-potties at Bonnaroo.
Keeping “down there” warm after your partner has talked you into shaving it.
I cannot but agree with B. S. Pulley’s definition of a Pleasant Surprise: a tit full of whiskey.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Famous last words: Guest Scriner: Citibank
I can see why some newcomer to Scrine might be a little confused about the one-sentence rule.
Do I hear the ghost of Lehman Brothers (and nearly every other near-death company)... what’s it saying? I can almost hear it now…, yes, I hear it now, “Citigroup says has strong capital, liquidity position.”
Most health food stores carry a male enhancement supplement called Horny old Goat Weed, named after the old mountain goats who chow down the scraggly weed growing in the nooks and crannies of said mountains, and then after loosening their belt buckles begin a general mounting of anything that gets in their way.
John Calvin believed haberdashery to be a sin against modesty, and thus the rarefied air of Geneva often smelled of singed hair and the cooked flesh of men’s clothiers burned at the stake by fires fueled with their finest silks and tweeds imported from France, England and occasionally Milan
As inspired by: OralGrist's and on, and on, and on….
“Dammit, Agnes just doesn’t work in a song,” Richard O’Brien told the Rocky Horror writers, “so if it’s a cult classic you’re aiming for, I suggest you change the name.”
Haberdashery was a dangerous business during the Great Depression.
Haberdashery – a dangerous business in the 1930’s – saw the invention of the Siegal tri-flex suspender as an attempt to keep ones underpants from being spirited away in the night by fellow down-on-their-luck tailors who spent their days mending trousers for dry bread crusts and weak broth in the garment district of any large metropolis.
Indeed, economics has earned its dubious honor as the dismal science, and those whores called traders and stock brokers- lemmings- because the slightest little upset sends their world plummeting earthward at a tremendous velocity, causing them to leap over the edge of the nearest sky scraper as they join their shared destiny with those worthless scraps of paper – flitting to the ground like leftovers from a ticker tape parade - that their fortunes are written on.
Yes, I did just shout “Fire!” in a, well, in a not-very-crowded stock market… where’d everyone go?
When I wear my blue-tooth earpiece, I look like I might work for the CIA or maybe even Hardee’s.
“I’d give my left hand to be able to play really good boogie woogie piano.”
“Cor, it’s about time that bloody contest ended!” she thought to herself as she typed in the web address, hit enter, and realized, as she watched the page load…
Be automatic.
“When using this product, do not drive a motor vehicle, operate dangerous machinery or use a computer keyboard in any way you may later regret.”
I don’t believe in airplanes, I don’t believe in the internet, I don’t believe there is a place called Scotland, but I do believe in scotch.