I could not, WOULD not assume that if I do nothing, things will stay the same; tell me why everyone else does?
Just caught myself very nearly turning away business because it would have cut into my time Scrining.
I just got a spam entitled “Upsize your prick for good pleasure;” Unfortunately the “product” in the email wasn’t titled “Prick 2.0”, which would have almost tempted me to buy it.
People who share their tomatoes with their friends/neighbors, particularly with those friends/neighbors who are still finding their feet in strange surroundings, should receive medals of honor, large cash stipends, and lifetime supplies of free lemon cake.
The firm, juicy, sweet looking thing beckoned in such a tempting manner that I deliriously replied “mango season!”
Every decision in my life seems to come down to two choices: hurt now or hurt later.
I spend a lot of time during the day trying not to run over the cat with the wheels on my office chair.
Life is good… too good - it worries me.
My neighbors watch me dig my own pond, wondering why I don’t hire laborers; I wonder why they drive their SUVs to the gym to work out while others mow their lawns and plant their flowers.
Lou-anne stamped soggily on the mud, drearily dancing her way around the garden, sploshing little annoying droplets as she went.
“Perchance to dream” may be the three scariest words ever strung together in the English language.
I began writing my novel this morning and I think I’m off to a good start with, “Once upon a time, “ so I’m going to take a break now.
Baggy swim trunks are great until you try to swim in them.
off the air and a day earlier than planned, and more power (literally) to them, but here, lest we forget the good stuff…godspeed and take care of yo mama an ‘em.
moose moose moose moose moose moose moose moose moose!
There are few feelings as wonderful when a woman bends over to hug you and smooshes your face with her breasts!
A heat wave is the Californian’s blizzard.
That is all.
At some point, the universe took pity on her and chance allowed her to continue on, blissful and grateful for the great escape and even greater opportunity she had been given.
I heard that Gov. Palin (Alaska) bearly won her election… no, seriously, it was the polar bear vote that put her over the top, you know how conservative they can be.
Rufus thinks that Schuster is over-compensating for something, and that no amount of dynamite will bring him the happiness and fulfillment he craves, but my friend Schuster thinks that Rufus is full of shit and obviously doesn’t know a thing about psychology; “It’s never about the dynamite,” Schuster told him, “but the explosion that follows, you idiot.”
The oranges you pick off your own tree really are better.
Using “no” for “know,” “one” for “won” and “their” for “there” are all symptoms of functional illiteracy, which I blame on my ADD, but my doctor suggests really means I should just proofread and use a fucking dictionary once in awhile.
Blue and yellow make green.
On the one hand, when you wake up at 5 a.m., you can see the sun rise over the mountains, and that is a glorious thing to see; on the other, you know that, come that afternoon civil procedure class, you’ll be hurting—and when the time comes to move the mattress out of storage, you will be a danger to yourself and others.
His psychologist tended to stare upwards just above his head, a fact which caused him no small amount of neurotic anxiety.
As inspired by: Keith's Rufus & Schuster Discuss The Acquisition of the Dynamite
In the late 1960’s the CIA developed a covert ops program – code named Farmer’s Daughter – to entrap foreign dignitaries of least favored nations by sneaking naked 15 year old girls into their hotel rooms, and then – after arming their father’s with shot guns – telling the salt-of-the-earth Americans what rooms their daughter’s where currently staying.
Sometimes, when you’ve been together for eighteen years, you find yourself scrambling together, naked, from the closet or the bathroom counter or washing machine or the stairs to the comfort and convenience of the bed where everything reaches and everything fits and the angles are right and you don’t get cramps and you can finish confidently what you started awkwardly and then you can laugh about it.
You think ducks are trouble…
Where, with the limit of one destination, would you go?
They’re pretty bloody cheeky, when you think about it.
The downside to taking the chance for coffee and Scrine is turning up finding the old haunt empty.
No one complains more poignantly than a 12-year-old on the last, hottest day of the summer.
My work is piling up and my voice mails unanswered because I am unable to stop rating pictures of various hotties on Pixnay.com.
Art historian Gabe Raddison believed the incident that led Van Gogh to cut off his ear was precipitated by his use of increasingly pure pigments, specifically yellow, while sweating out an abnormally high syphilitic fever Christmas eve 1888.
by the time he made his way, wet and bleeding, across the sloshing runnoff of the yard and up the five, slippery flights of fire escape steps, the numbness and shaking of his frozen hand made it impossible for him find the tiny slot with the shivering key in the winter dark of this, the worst night of his life to date.
your life reads like a dream, wh i’m sure is not an entirely unmixed blessing, but still, there mb worse fates than to seduce the world with prose.
Polishing away, the chief couldn’t help but think that the office had more brass in it than a Jules Verne submarine.
It’s a good thing the library doesn’t employ rent-a-cops to track down fines and missing books, because damn, I’d be first against the wall.
Gavin found himself thinking Madame Bovary – odd since he despised Flaubert – while he waited for his oatmeal with cinnamon and raison d’etre to cool.
Rufus thinks the shopkeep in Alamogordo was not particularly friendly when he sold Schuster the dynamite, but my friend Schuster said that he’d thought the man was exceedingly friendly, considering the last time they’d met had involved a 12-gauge and the man’s naked, 15 year old daughter.
Salt makes mistakes taste great.
I would look for Jesus but at the moment I still can’t find Waldo!
Down the middle…Jesus saves - he shoots - he scores, and the crowd goes wild!
My name is Moses Goldstein and I’m a black Catholic priest.
The worst thing about education, like the worst thing about depression, is the lack of linearity: at any moment, no matter how much forward motion you have achieved, you can find yourself in a place where you haven’t made any progress at all, and when that happens, it is terrifically difficult to pull yourself up off the floor.
Like the White House china, Bob’s first marriage had been changed out in the 80s for something just as servicable, yet newer and almost imperceptibly more elegant.
Although the apartment complex wasn’t marketed as a god complex, some of the residents’ actions made the chief think that maybe it could be.
Courses at my school always start with the entire history of the subject, making week one a millenium of information.
Nothing keeps me better aligned with the world than one of my failed savior dreams.
“I was looking at my boobs in the mirror last night, and I just want to say, you’re a lucky guy to get to play with them like you do - they look Yummy!” explained Julie to her boyfriend who didn’t disagree, but who found the whole conversation just slightly disturbing.
[subject][verb]Bacon Cake; that is all.
She just had to face the facts: she was just another crime-fighting knitter.
In the early 1970’s I was regularly ingesting pre-1962 Crayons as proven by the fact I find “flesh” vastly superior to “peach.”
The taste of peanut M&Ms and Orange Crush made Jimmy vividly recollect bowling alleys of his youth.
Clearly there’s too much activity to fit into a regular 24-hour period, so this particular family will now diversify into two universes.
Iris mounted the steps of the venerable courthouse, watching her feet as she balanced the curliqued white three-tiered wedding cake, whispering to herself that people had damned well better be staring in amazement.
In the distance, growing louder and increasing in number and alacrity, were a series of barely perceptible but still satisfying clicks.
The chief came to realize that religious beliefs had very little to do with the plugging of toilets, and that Hindu shit plunged just as hard as Christian shit, and vice versa.
“But if you get the turbo version,” my son very patiently explained as though to a complete idiot, “I won’t be too embarrassed to drive it in four years.”
As I reach the apex of my swing, I feel as though I can touch the stars, and as the wind rushes past my ears, I feel alive….
Lately I’ve been searching for someone who knows the secret code and can translate, “Your little Johnny is a pleasure to have in class” into English.
Much to her dismay, Nancy learned the hard way that in this modern era of DNA testing, it is not reasonable to simply pick the guy with the highest salary from the pool of likely baby-daddies.
Horatio wondered if there shouldn’t be a crime one step below manslaughter, perhaps carrying a firm slap on the wrist as punishment, for the obviously justified killling of one’s nagging spouse.
There are no mittens for the 2-thumbed man.
As Juan filled out the letter of introduction to his daughter’s new teacher he struggled with whether to put “sets things on fire with her glare if she gets angry” in the “strengths” column or the “weaknesses” column.
Excuse me, correct me if I’m wrong, but are you ALSO looking at a video about green hamsters and their effect on the culture in Bulgaria?
I was walking through the Fine Arts Building one morning when I heard one of the dance professors complaining to a voice teacher; when he uttered the phrase “I hate having all my ideas fucking poo pooed!” I could only gulp back my laughter seeing as he was obviously upset.
Not since my time as a puberty-wracked junior high nimrod have I experienced the combination of fear, anxiety, and ultimate rejection that constituted the jury selection process that I endured today.
As inspired by: actually taken, not inspired, by Antonio Antunes in "A Knowledge of Hell";
I’m a doctor, I’m a doctor, I’m a doctor,I’m thirty years old, have a daughter, came back from the war, I bought a cheap car two months ago, I write poems and novels that I never publish, I have an aching upper wisdom tooth and I’m going to be a psychiatrist, understand people, identify their despair and their anguish, calm them with my competent smile of a lay priest dispensing the host pills in chemical Eucharists, I’m finally going to be a respectable person leaning over a prescription pad in hasty nobility, take it after meals, take it before meals, take it in the middle of meals, when you get up, when you go to bed, with a hot drink, at breakfast, at lunch, in the afternoon, no wine, brandy, vermouth, liqueur, come back in two weeks, come back in a month, call and tell me how it went, I’m normal you’re sick I’m normal you’re sick I’m normal you’re sick, I know semiology, psychopathology, therapy, I can spot depression a mile away, paranoia, unhealthy excessive joy, epileptic seizures, organic equivalents, the character-based ones, request an EEG through the Health Service, pay the secretary, behave yourself, or I’ll put you on sleep therapy using morello Serenif Largactil Niamid Nozinan Bialminal, good afternoon, he tightened the knot in his tie guiding himself by the left handed image in the mirror, scrutinized himself full face, at three-quarters, in profile, I’m a doctor, I’m a doctor, I’m an intern in psychiatry, the old man in the hall bayed incessantly, he returned to his desk, sat down imperially in the chair, and through the window glass had the dizzying impression of seeing a man flying, an ordinary man neither young nor old, flapping the sleeves of his jacket in the blue of July and flying.
I PASSED BOTH MY CERTIFICATION EXAMS!!!!!!!
{dancing}
Happy to have avoided 82 seasons worth of marigolds, Harold turned in his grave when he saw his sister approaching with a potful of the ugly orange bastards.
Morton’s promising career in packaging was cut short after the makes-all-your-food-look-mildewed green Saran-wrap debacle.
“Dear Students: Since I know you’re either doing your Crim Law homework or wishing you were doing your Crim Law homework, please consider the following: In X v. Y, the appellate court ruled that the jury instructions were flawed; please write a new set of jury instructions and bring them to class on Monday morning” [sent on Sunday afternoon, 1/2 hour after a certain student turned off the computer and left the coffee bar so she could go finish her reading, read on Monday morning, 40 minutes before the start of class].
“I think I might have made a slight logistical error on the move, and I need to figure it out before we have nothing to sleep on on Friday night.”
This video is not safe for work because if you watch it at work you’ll be laughing and then your colleagues will all come and play it over and over as more gather and laugh and pretty soon no one will be working and you’ll all get fired… oh, and there are some bad words in it.
Vincent realized it was probably unhealthy that he had begun to view his office as a jail and his chair as shackles.
Sometimes after a couple of beers I just want to log onto Scrine and post “ I love you guys” a thousand times.
And it was then, while staring at the rushing clouds in front of her, she realised her childhood friend had never left her, so she turned to her, squinting slightly from the brightly burning colours, reached forward into the mirage, took her hand and, together, they rolled gently into the sky.
There are some things that humans are not built to do, but do them we do all the same.
As she prepared for the Monday morning onslaught, she heard the faint siren song of Saturday in her ear.
Some days it felt like a cool dip in the red dirt river.
“I smell danger… oh, wait… that’s you….”
Back in high school, Nelson Hunt was always pestering me to hoard silver with him, but the other kids were already calling me a Plyushkin, so I chose to remain quietly hidden behind my giant stack of telephone books.
160 pages to read x 3 pages/hour read (including briefing, noting and annotating) = howling, Lear-like, into the void.
Mary Margaret was crushed when she learned that the statue in the churchyard was bleeding rancid pig fat died red.
Salt free BBQ potato chips - yummy - well, at least excessive consumption doesn’t cause anal leakage.
Even in the dark Detective Beaver knew the unmistakable plop-plop sounds of wet clumpy viscera hitting the cool basement floor, and the red steam and coppery smell of death rising from the dead body revealing the victims final resting spot were not needed for the policeman to know this was a murder scene.
My heart burns with the fire of creation and unless it is quenched it will scorch the earth; I am a god maker and in my heart a new mythos is born today.
Blogs are to literacy what (fill in the blank) is to (fill in the blank)
She liked to use up all the bottles and cans in the house at the same time, and planned her meals carefully so that she ended up with a bite of each thing on her plate.
Some birthdays are deserving of a quiet cup of tea, but some are deserving of a screaming, exhilarating leap out of the sky.
Here’s what I miss about New York (other than my beautiful friends, of course): When I was 21, freshly arrived in the city and crying from loneliness at least once a week, I went to a sandwich shop for lunch one day; the station on the radio played ”Come and Get Your Love” by Redbone, and by line 3, the counter guy and I were singing it together.
Bronwyn knew that her life had changed forever when she realized that the high point of her Friday was making plans to go out for dinner with her husband, and feeling her heart lift not because she loved the pleasure of his company (although she did), nor because the hole-in-the-wall taqueria to which they were going made fabulous food (although it did), but because she knew that they could stop on their way home at the 7-Eleven and buy a six-pack of Skinny Dip and two It’s-It ice cream sandwiches.
Sometimes I really feel like punching the next well educated, upper-middle-class person with a good job and health and healthy children who whines “woe is me” in the nose.
I cannot escape your love, as if I was blind and afraid of the dark.
“Because if I went on a diet,” explained Darko patiently, “I couldn’t eat all these cookies.”
I’m shopping the internet for a nice Friday attitude - something easy to assume, but entertaining enough to see me through to 5.
Sitting under a perfectly groomed palm tree reading interesting/challenging stuff for three years; color me jealous, Bakerina, color me jealous.
Helen awoke confused wondering what a chensheckel was and why it had figured prominently in her dream.
“The reason I’m doing this,” said the professor, “is so that you are forced to build listening skills, to listen to each other and eventually be able to critique each other, because right now, you can just zone out, your minds can go right to La-la Land if I’m not calling on you directly,” while Bronwyn sat at the front of the room, wearing a look of bright-eyed desperation, wanting only to understand.
In preparation for Wife #3’s case, Juan decided to read Wife #2’s divorce file down at the courthouse—turns out that Nasty Husband not only kept a computer diary of every sexual encounter he ever had (including the ones with other people during Wife #2’s marriage which made Wife #2 a bit upset), but he also included important notes about all the details including locations, condom use/non-use, positions and, the best part, how much time was involved, which was on more than a few occasions noted at “1 min.”
Taking his time, Wesley carefully cut long strips of bond paper to size, gluing prison bars over the picture of the vice president of operations on the cover of the quarterly report.
My hair doesn’t know what to think about the time change.
I want to reach the top of the world, and with you by my side, that’s possible.
All day long he kept coming back to that one particular flash of unconsciousness, sure of what it meant, yet still unwilling to look it straight in the eye.
As his arms graced the city skyline and his wife mouthed obscenities close behind, it occurred to him that he had, in awful forgetfulness, left water in the teapot and that it would now surely rust.
“I only slept with you because you promised not to fall in love with me,” Julie explained to Scott, who clearly was not listening.
Thre are three critically urgent items on my to-do list today and I don’t feel like doing any of them.
As inspired by: Glee Riot's comment here.
Inspired by Glee Riot’s suggestion, Juan closed his eyes and began to daydream about meeting a hot guy/girl in the ski lodge, but then awoke with a start wondering if this meant he was turning gay or if he could pass it off as “just curious.”
I’m sitting in an airport feeling out of place as the only person under the age of 50, not wearing a polo shirt or pancake makeup.
To prove his love, Timmy would sometimes kidnap his own turtle and demand huge, impossible ransoms, which he gladly paid.
I’m being pulled away from this amazing wooded holler today, and I’m surrounded by memories already.
I just wanted to say that a certain awesome Grey’s Anatomy character reminds me of a certain awesome Scriner, though I haven’t had the good fortune of meeting either.
It’s amazing the amount of calm ad happiness you can get from a few drops of blood.
One of New York City’s oldest laws, the NYC 3rd Law of Dimensional Displacement, clearly states that upon leaving the city, the rate of consumption of any given person’s “void” is inversely proportional by a factor of pi to the volume of displacement at their new location.
If we’re all in this together, then why do I feel as lonely as I’ve ever felt in my life?
Last night I dreamed about skiing—swooshing down the a mountain, fresh cold air, good snow, vivid and perfect… except, I was still unable to hit my turns just right and several times I had embarrassing near-falls.
The Texas air is murder - dry and rough like so much asphalt on skinned knees - and i find myself wishing for rain…
One of the things the chief enjoyed about his new job was that he could climb into the shower at home 20 minutes before he was supposed to be at work, get out, take his time getting dressed, write a Scrine sentence, and still make it to work 10 minutes early.
Chatting with the neighbors is requisite here in this part of the south, as well as a small nonchalant wave of the fingers off the steering wheel.
This sentence made of no substance and therefore contains no calories – perfectly safe if rather difficult to swallow.
Fussily smoothing her Sex in the City inspired full length skirt and petticoats, breathing a bit shallowly around the tightly cinched wide belt, Maryanne watched her boss sob into her coffee cup, cheap whiskey fumes wafting to burn at Marynanne’s delicate, unusually violet coloured eyes—it was so unfair, Maryanne thought, outraged on her boss’s behalf, how dare they ask her to do her job, couldnt’ they see she was only a woman?!?
So loath was Maryanne to make a noise at the quiet offices that she practiced not breathing for seconds at a time.
“A discriminating irreverence is the creator and protector of human liberty.”
When the resident asked him to take off his shoes before entering the bedroom because, as she so plainly put it, “God is in there,” the only thing that came to mind was the image of God stopping by the office to fill out the rental application.
“No, dammit, I am not experiencing denial,” Horace muttered to himself, shaking his head as he wandered aimlessly down the riverwalk, “I just cannot accept that the muses are dead, there’s no way anyone, even the IRS, would be so cruel… they must still be alive somewhere.”
Married life is pretty much like single life except now he owns half my yarn.
The next day, as Horace walked the riverwalk with his homemade sign reading “Free the Muses,” a grizzled old bum called him over and said, to Horace’s great shock and dismay, “There are several branches of government that are fairly adept at muse murder, but none, I’m confident, quite as good at it as the IRS.”
You can live with someone for years; you can spend entire days in each other’s company, each reading his/her own book, sitting quietly, just thinking quiet, pleasant thoughts; and yet, as soon as you are separated by a certain amount of distance and insufficient time to travel it, that is when you’ll feel the urge to call said other person and ask if s/he would like to go home and make out, *right now*.
Jodan felt a short-lived leap of excitement when he recieved the email about the “annual all fuckoff party,”
That day, as Horace sat in the sun next to the riverwalk, it occured to him that he’d known many artists and authors and that after visits by the IRS, each one’s muse seemed to have inexplicably, and apparently quite permanently, disappeared.
I did two stupid things yesterday while working on the house late in the afternoon tired and dehydrated: The first, which could have been truly disastrous, luckily resulted in no problem at all; the second, which was no big deal, resulted in a broken flowerpot which my wife treated as a disaster.
When Vern told his best friend Lori that diet and excerise would reduce her stress, improve her attitude and quite possibly save her marriage, Lori responded, “Why would I want to do that?”
My house walrus worries endlessly about inflation, but I think it’s because he believes the word has something to do with the salinity of his bath water.
When Muriel’s first doctor told her the shoulder could get 100% better, she resisted doing her physical therapy; when the second doctor said the best she could hope for was 75% recovery, she set for herself a goal of 100% and fell to work with a will.
As inspired by: baltimore's caught in the rain
Just as the proverb said, God was indeed in the rain; furthermore, He never failed to vacation in Florida in August.
“It’s been said that God is in the rain, and if that’s true, then I don’t really deserve to be caught out in it…” he looked over at the man who’d taken refuge across from him, and laughed sheepishly, “plus it’s damn cold.”
Hey, you guys!…hey!…hey!…guess who’s a married lady now?
I feel uncomfortable about the fact that I can see right through people, and wish sometimes that I couldn’t.
It’s so exotic to be in a place where trees aren’t planted, but grow up on their own accord.
I have received an official request for damson jam; since the New York damson jam is history, I am on a quest for more damsons (and because I loathe making life easier for myself, Italian prune plums are not an acceptable substitute).
With Harry stuck under a giant pumpkin and fading fast, everyone in the room knew the jaws of his wife were his only hope.
The crumbly devils sprouted legs and scurried away across the cloth-covered table.
“For the locks may bleach, and the cheeks of peach
May be reft of their golden hue;
But mine own sweetheart, I shall love you still,
Just as long as your eyes are blue.”
Being able to whistle the theme songs to more than 100 television shows never got Peter into any woman’s bed, but had, on occasion, gotten him thrown out of a few.
The constant motion kept her sane, kept her from feeling just how heavy her heart had become…
Criticism’s fine, for everyone else.
Thanks to my new campus i.d., my temporary driver’s license, my Costco membership, my AAA membership and my customer cards from the yarn store and the coffee bar, my wallet is full and generous, even if it does not contain actual money.
As she spent three hours cranking out what was undoubtedly the worst brief ever written in the history of law, time and space, Bronwyn thought ruefully of all those hours she laughed at the Firesign Theatre’s Everything You Know Is Wrong!
There are days I would rather have someone say to me, ‘it’s a good thing you’re pretty because sometimes you’re not very bright’ as opposed to “you are too damned smart for your own good!’
Sadly, however much it might have amused her, skif was very mistaken, Hollywood would not come calling to produce “Bill and Ted meet Discworld Death”