“No, I did not just insult you,” growled Harry Snatch at the operator, “I’m just trying to get you to enter my address correctly: Rural Route 3, Fat Bottom, Georgia… oh, your name is Georgia? I’m sorry, I mean, I’m not sorry your name is Georgia, I’m sorry about your fat bottom, I mean, I’m sorry you misunderstood me, I don’t mean you have a fat bottom… do you? Oh, nevermind, try this: Rural Route 3, Fat Bottom, Gee-Ay, period… no. I didn’t say you were on your period… my name? ‘Harry Snatch,’ no, that’s not what I’m calling you, that’s my name, es-en-ay-tee-see-ech, Snatch…”
Having found out once and for all that she could do nothing right, she decided to do everything decidedly wrong.
“Goddamn it, for the last time, my wife’s name is Maya Shaveed-Snatch—two ee’s,” shouted Harry Snatch into the phone at the hapless customer service operator.
Under further legal consideration, and due largely to the fact that tennis is played in matches and the fact that it is not PNA’s intention with this sentence to suggest that raccoons should in any manner be encouraged to take up tennis, which is not to say that raccoons could not, in fact, play tennis, nor should they in any manner be intimidated, discouraged, or prejudiced against when it comes to tennis, the “Raccoons & Matches” PNA sentence has been amended to read as follows: Always keep flammable materials away from raccoons.
I guess which side of a mirror contains the reflection is just a matter of perspective.
Henry found himself traveling through Arizona in his ‘74 Pacer humming the In & Out Burger Song (Indeed, that is what a hamburger is all about) knowing that this great American delicacy is why he could never fore go beef.
If Miike ever decides to make “One Missed Call 3” it should be titled “Pick Up the Phone Already…And Call Your Mother Why Don’t You?”
Wherever you go, you take Scrine with you.
Beryl had grown accustomed to the chickens in the kitchen, but she refused to acknowledge the existence of the chicken in her sock drawer.
She kept it inside until it began to gnaw on her soul, tearing tiny holes in the goodness within.
If you have a naughty dream involving one of the candidates, is that your subconcious telling you how to vote?
Should the sequel “One Missed Call 2” really be called “Another Missed Call”?
She was confused for as the days wore on, she felt she was in some weird, twisted competition with the World…
We look to times of sorrow and woe for our interests; wars and hate, torture and pain; we look to it all because deep down it’s the only time we see true, intense emotions show through our play-nice exteriors.
The clown in my bedroom is startng to freak me out!
Let the paint peel, let the grass grow, the windows will fog, the pipes will rust, the world will pass us by, and as long as you’re here with me I am happy.
The truth is, im no writer, I simply love writing.
“Character is what you are in the dark.”
Shane realized the speeding ticket would be the least of his problems if the cop found the dead hooker in the trunk.
Sitting beside Muriel on the bus, Edwards boasted that he never paid any attention to music that was more contemporary than Creedence and Led Zepplin, and that he knew who that Boy George was but had never been sure if it was really a “boy” George or a “girl” George; unfortunately, Edwards had no chance to fully canvass the burning question of why “Stevie” Nicks seemed to prefer a boy’s name before Muriel gathered her bags and jumped off the bus well before her scheduled stop.
The smell of lavender in summer was so pungent, and gave human beings such a euphoric feeling of light-hearted optimism, a Senate hearing was immediately convened to make lavender a controlled substance.
While nearly all American women have liberated themselves from panty hose, they have not yet come up with a new way to keep their feet from sticking inside their high heels - and speaking of high heels, ladies, I think we all know we have a ways to go as a gender where those shoes are concerned.
Mrs. Gous, who was highly sedated at the time, always regretted letting her husband name their son, Derk Dirque Gous.
Wilt Chamberlain is my hero; I always wanted to score like that.
A wise man once told me, “If you put a penny in a jar each time you have sex before marriage and during your first year of marriage, and you take a penny out of the jar every time you have sex after that, you will never empty the jar.”
The goose was struck by the unfairness of it all; why didn’t the duck ever have to run?
Duck always wore dark sunglasses when he taught elementary school classes so the children couldn’t see when he was asleep.
Juan awoke from a nightmare that someone had demolished half his house only to discover that he had demolished half his house.
Even though the equation clearly disproved his own existence, the duck remained in front of the blackboard with the chalk gripped firmly in his bill (almost defiantly, some students in the classroom thought) right up until the moment his own arrogance caught up with him, he smiled, and the chalk slipped from his bill and lodged somewhere in his windpipe.
I regret to inform you that this relationship has become toxic for me, I am going to have to ask you to cease and desist.
When he asked, “why do you care?”, her only response was “Because I shouldn’t.”
I’m beginning to see a constant theme involving ducks in my writing and frankly, it’s disturbing.
Someone asked me tonight whether I had ever been afraid of anything and it was the absurdity of the question that made me look away and chuckle, because the assumption that people have about others who give an outward impression of confidence and sublimity is that life roles off of them like water off of a duck’s back, but the fact is and what I tried to make clear with my one-word answer is that fear is sometimes what drives people to perceived heights and that the confidence others see is often being displayed on behalf of the person projecting it rather than anyone else who might see it due to the projector’s keen understanding that the abyss always sits immediately in front of him and inside of him and, therefore, yes, ‘Constantly’.
It’s a dangerous thing, reality, with it’s difficult questions and demands for decision making, but sometimes necessity acts like an old man, looking you in the eye and muttering, ‘Shit or get off the pot, sonny’, and we should thank this imaginary drill instructor for the free advice because it’s the best we can ask for and the most valuable we’ll ever receive.
Have you ever wondered, as you looked through the doorway into the darkness of the adjacent room, that maybe if you walked through the doorway and into that darkness, you could go somewhere else and leave it all behind, ‘it’ being everything you’ve ever longed to leave?
The books are yelling and shouting at me, leaving me no peace and with nowhere to run, as they haunt me and chase me down the echoing halls.
The only thing better than propaganda is innuendo, and the only thing better than innuendo is a good euphemism, which means that communism and fascism might’ve been defeated by ‘salting the buttery weasel’.
Rufus thinks that people would taste basically all the same, no matter what, but my friend Schuster thinks that that is the stupidest thing Rufus has ever said, because beautiful people, in his mind, would obviously taste much better; Rufus wasn’t sure he agreed, but did concede that beautiful people hot dogs did seem more appealing than ugly people hot dogs.
The chief expressed great concern for the kids in the pool and the deafening click of the their many chattering baby teeth; later he would smile to himself as he walked by the heater without touching the dial.
Money can’t buy you marital happiness, but it sure can buy you one hell of a kick-ass, knock-down, drag-out divorce.
Joseph knew that if he could make sense of the images in his head he could be a writer or maybe a filmmaker, but at is was, with them jumbled and coming so fast, all he could be was crazy.
This is a really bad time for an epiphany, could we please reschedule?
Have you ever walked down through the sycamores where the farmhouse used to be, there the monarch’s northern journey ends on a windswept cypress tree.
Today will be mostly sunny with scattered gravity showers.
the quake the earthquake earthquake in la aftershocks about the earthquake that earthquake 8 quake the epicenter usgs the earthquake in in chino hills just had an earthquake earthquake was 6 earthquake felt the earthquake earth quake swaying centered in chino hills magnitude 5 shook there was an earthquake just felt an earthquake no damage in an earthquake earthquake here in the la earthquake sw of chino hills 8 magnitude earthquake is la earthquake feel the earthquake in socal didn’t feel “earthquake the earthquake was from the earthquake everyone in la are okay just felt earthquake has earthquakes are the usgs we just had an earthquake of chino hills shaking diamond bar had a 5 epicenter was shaker everyone’s ok little earthquake in la is 8 earthquake in la did you feel there was just northridge everyone ok earthquake that in southern california hope everyone in earthquake tweets pomona on the earthquake epicenter this earthquake everyone is okay doorway earthquake” ‘re ok in so cal
He brought reticence to a new level: sullenness.
“Once, I was going to go into business as a pet psychic,” declared Jukebox McGill, gesturing with his beer mug, “but my dog here talked me out of it.”
Meredith had always lusted after redheads, but now, looking at the bloody scalp sitting on the bedside table next to her, it didn’t seem quite enough.
Tomorrow, I shall undertake a Scrine Library World Record attempt.
In this world, never will we all be treated as equals, that is until we are all dead.
Stop defining it as a mere coincidence, for it is not often that one simple thought should be shared by two very different minds.
As inspired by: My Spam Filter
Between the water in their toilets flushing counter-clockwise, the apparent epic-level potency of their weed, and the wiliness of their most senior of citizens, why has Australia not yet conquered the world?
I was just forced to sign an agreement that if for any reason I am to sue the company, I will pay all legal fees incurred: Mine and theirs…
Saint Clara was familiar with whips and other tools of the inquistion, but she still felt a little trepidatious about the arrival of so many metal whisks all at once.
How does one tell one’s houseguest “Please don’t walk around my house naked in the middle of the night, you’re a 62-year-old-man with pastey white skin, a serious paunch, a very small dick (hey, I prefer not to know, but you kind of brought it to my attention), and you’re giving me pre-traumatic stress syndrome that I might become you when I get older?”
When I asked Barbara about the circles under her eyes, she told me that after a run of really weird dreams she’d decided she preferred not to sleep at all.
There’s a fine line between calling your beloved just to say hello, and calling your beloved because it’s breaktime and you’re sitting in the john with nothing else to do.
I promise to love and cherish you always, but also to spray you with Febreze when you stink.
In exactly three weeks from this moment, I will be in law school.
I promise to continue denying to myself that you drink more than any five adults combined, ‘til death do us part, which will probably be fairly soon at this rate.
Sometimes Lilly thought she should be busy and achieving, but then a bird would caw nearby and she would continue pretending to read her book, back to the sun, soul to the sky.
The monkey had never cared much for the secrets of his coworkers, so when he caught wind of the rumor going around the office that he’d been eavesdropping, he could feel himself growing increasingly agitated and asked Mr. Plinkson for the afternoon off; he felt bad about lying to Mr. Plinkson about a doctor appointment that he didn’t have, but it was better that than having someone walk into the lavatory and catch him pounding his chest in anger.
Damn you, sneaky monkey!
The sunburns are proceeding apace.
The chief believed in the beauty of microwaves, but would never, under any circumstances, ever push the “Fish” button.
When the chief went to work on Sunday afternoons, it never felt anything like church until one of the older residents would show up to preach about the irritating noise of skateboard wheels on the sidewalk outside their window.
Although Mr. Plinkson was not impressed with the monkey’s new cellphone, he did find several of the ringtones more soothing than those typically chosen by his human coworkers.
You said the moon was ours to hell with the day, the sunlight is only going to take love away.
The chief was so dismayed by the company’s antiquated accounting system that he often worried that the copy machine was only a temporary office fixture, and that one day he would show up for work and find a scrivener standing in the corner, quill pen in hand, sharing stories of his vacation time in Leeds.
Sometimes I love the anonymity of the confessional, but sometimes it drives me crazy guessing who said what.
We might be making progress here.
Flying is a good excuse to take drugs.
It wasn’t until I bought a new wallet that I realized I was broke.
She welcomed the sweet anonymity of the internet, not realizing that she left a trail behind her like wet toilet paper on the sole of a shoe.
Okay, Scrineverse, let’s all join hands and sing “Hands Across the 80’s” for Our Miss Bunni, who is fighting the good fight” for 24 hours, starting Saturday morning.
The problem with being a superhero, Juan realized, was clearly a matter of poor costuming: every time he wore his underwear over his jeans he chafed so badly he couldn’t resume superhero duties for at least a week.
Tammy realized her mistake almost as soon as she got to work; somehow casual Fridays did not include her Wonder Womam pajamas, stylish as they were.
Many times someone takes something a little too far and you imagine if they had stopped one sentence sooner; of course there are some people who just shouldn’t even bother starting to speak, because one sentence is one too many.
That’s not my bad, that’s YO bad!
“If you waste my time and we’re not sleeping together, it’s billable.”
There were bugs crawling in the gaps between the letters of his keyboard who refused to leave, and every time he tried to press a key, he was grossly sickened by the crunch of flattened critters beneath his fingers.
Rufus thinks that he could take being tortured as long as it didn’t involve his teeth or his toes, and my friend Schuster was about to say something himself when we swore we heard Rufus’ mom through the floorboards say something about teasing and bedwetting.
Sitting in a corner of the living room, ripping up a full box of bank account statements, direct deposit statements and other ephemera from 1999, Bronwyn dreamed of a place where all such things could be placed in a drawer, easily referenced and thrown out once their usefulness had passed.
Perhaps I should try harder.
I now have only 98 more to go until 300 sentences.
I now have only 99 more to go until 300 sentences.
A feathered dinosaur hopped lithely along the window sill, striking terror into the hearts of ants and beetles moments before their annhilation.
I do it all for my cat.
In the most sorrowful of times when you find no vowels upon your rack, find comfort in the almighty crwth.
They should have stopped while they were ahead, but when exactly was that?
He was her everything, she was his almost.
I suppose the blame lies with me for phrasing that last demand in the form of a question.
Heaven seems to hate the pig, but I can never consider eternity without bacon to be paradise.
I realize that I am no longer a hep cat, but could someone please tell me why ABBA are dressed like extras from a Howard’s End remake?
Einstein bemoaned the age of disco believing it to be responsible for the present decline of western civilization, but Schrodinger’s cat thought disco a good thing and that retro dance clubs a great place for a cat to get himself some sweet pussy, but Einstein couldn’t buy into that argument, and he thought that no one would really dance to disco beats of Pink Floyd covers no matter how snappy they were.
On the way out of Pineville the traveler will notice an old billboard just beyond the KFC that reads, “Their bitter blood sleeps restlessly in the earth”, and if they are wise they will listen to the advice of Rev. Downy and stop at the roadside chapel a moment to pray, and hope the sign isn’t talking about chickens.
Sometimes when something ordinary happens around the house—like running out of ketchup or the batteries going dead on a remote control—my son and I will pretend to be in agony and yell, “Welshy!”
Maybe it wasn’t for personal benefit, but I think it’s appropriate to reserve the eighth circle of hell for a company that tells you on Tuesday that your new job will pay $4,500 more than your old job and that the paperwork is on the way, only to tell you on Wednesday that a) that additional money should never have been offered to you and b) the paperwork will go out just as soon as the Compensation Board votes on whether or not there is money in the budget for your salary.
Wow, that was the best movie I never want to see again.
Searching fruitlessly for her black notebook, black pen and black wallet in the depths of her black purse, Muriel was grimly aware that she deserved everything she got.
As inspired by: littledevilworks's Losing my religion.
It’s bigger than you, and you are Nutley.
As inspired by: Br. Ezra's Still More Lyrical Confusion
Let’s pee in the corner, Let’s pee in the spotlight.
As inspired by: aerosolspray's mayday
Everyone falls from grace, it’s just a matter of when.
“I don’t think I’ll ever look at a bottle of Corona the same way again.”
I have a feeling that maybe you have such a concise, yet vivid image of love because you think too much about it, as if you were afraid to find it, afraid to lose it, and afraid of where it could take you.
As inspired by: Jo's Yuck, Bodily Fluids
“When I die,” he declared ceremoniously, “I want you to bury me in a DRY climate.”
Honey dew, I do love you but we can’t elope.
It was one of her life’s ambitions never to sweat if at all possible, and if it became necessary she would move to Alaska.
As inspired by: aerosolspray's mayday
The ancient desert tortoise eyed the sooty wreckage, muttered, “Yeah, sure, you betcha… flying is easy… landing not so much,” and ambled slowly toward the succulent cactus he’d chosen for lunch.
We may have crashed, and we may have burned, but it’s worth it all, just to know that we’ve flown
The more maps Jerry mounted on the wall, the more he became convinced he could one day learn to transport his office to some foreign land.
A sinister odor of dill pervaded the apartment.
Muriel listed all her anxieties in her journal, feeling they were too private to be blogged, though in her heart she knew her blog was no more widely read than her journal.
If I could donate the pinky and ring finger from my left hand, I would—which, considering that I am left-handed, is really saying something.
There are few things that smell nicer than the scent of almond in a cool room—unless, of course, you have just broken a full bottle of almond extract all over your kitchen floor, almond extract that is not only concentrated (and thus pricey), but also a key ingredient in the cherry pie you planned to bake for your last major baking project in your old apartment.
Sometimes the sky and trees and the moss and the light and the birds and the ... ah, yes, just sometimes.
Veronica’s hot flashes lit up the summer sky for blocks around her; no one dared come near.
I don’t know the exact date that “bareback” began to mean anything beyond “without a saddle” but I date the demise of western civilization to that date.
It occurred to the chief that there were probably very few jobs on earth that gave you the power to choose your neighbors.
Someone asked me once what it was I liked about my friends Rufus and Schuster, and I remember telling them that I enjoyed how easy their moods were to read; “Rufus will grow sullen and quiet whenever he starts thinking about killing Schuster,” I said, “and Schuster is even easier, because he never stops thinking about killing Rufus.”
This morning, before the sun turned the corner, a bird perched itself on my tent, a few inches from my face and hearkened unto the others, “WAKE UP YOU SONS-A-BITCHES!!!! IT’S WORM-THIRTY IN THE MORNING!!!! LAST ONE OUT’S A ROTTEN EGG!!!!”
Minimalist Jones liked to keep things simple,
And that’s why he hated qwerty,
The typewriter, for instance, he did prefer,
Was a basic Blickensderfer.
Above all things, Josie hated socialism, bureaucracy, medicine, being told what to do, and growing old; it was little wonder she regarded her Medicare years as nothing less than a confluence of governmental abuses.
Feminism has been in vogue for 50 years, but even so, it’s hard for most women to discuss money with each other.
If you want to know just how bad a design qwerty is, splint and tape your little finger and your ring finger on your left hand together—it turns out “a” and “s” are far more popular letters than you might have realized.
...icahn, monday, yahoo, the office, this morning, at work, to work, good morning, vacation, coffee…
I’ve come to think that my phone is broken: Delivery ports have ruined my life.
I wonder if MySpace messaging is truly down or if Tom is some how protecting me from sending something I know I shouldn’t.
But, when you get the rejection letter/email or just silence it feels as if you’ve stepped in a big pile of poo ...[that]’s come up through your shoe and got on your soul (now how ‘n the hell am I gonna clean that up?).
is scrine going qwerty?
i just looked at my temperature widget and it is 92degreesF out there, at nearly 8pm.
Rufus says that he was unimpressed when he met the president, but my friend Schuster says that Rufus is lying, and that the Secret Service agents who had knees in both their backs that day were not only aggressive, but very professional.
Fender typed his thoughts and dropped them into the digital stream, where they merged with the mighty running commentary on their way to the singularity.
there is no more effective inducement to the instigation of long-dormant household projects than the realizatiion that one has merely one week left to equip oneself for a career-busting certification exam.
She watched him like a hawk, jealous of every movement.
She wondered if she was the only one to ever be proud of being degsignated the Ice Queen.
I was having hot and steamy sex wearing nothing but my grandma’s pearls, wondering if she had ever done the same exact thing.
Sometimes Veronica’s mother-in-law is like a call at 4 a.m.: entirely unexpected and unwelcome.
party, my wife, to bed, watching the, watching, spent, to watch, to sleep, drunk, it was…
“Just got caught by @queenofspain bouncing my boobs on @lizhenry’s head while unknowingly standing next to a head honcho of Obama campaign.”
to bed, sleep, in a, tomorrow, movie, better, after, could, things, where…
I cannot escape this labyrinth of affection, though it is I who am its creator.
There was this one time that I went to the dump and I didn’t bring something home from the trash heap.
Rufus thinks that in the future every single home will come with an automated DNA collection device, but my friend Schuster thinks that they already do and that they’re called toilets, and that as soon as the government figures out a way to replumb everything, most people in the world will work at the giant facility that sorts and analyzes all the shit.
Sometimes you find in life that you have all vowels.
If friendship is the first casualty of love then sex must be the first casualty of marriage
Sometimes on particularly stressful days I like to wear a straight jacket and pretend that I am Pat Benetar.
They are the drops of tears that were once shed long ago, but amongst the confusion of the constant pitter-patter and failing sunlight, the cries of joy and sobs of sadness have merged into a puddle of sentimental memories.
Belinda toweled herself off with Dexter’s dignity.
...“We are going to have a deck, where we can sit and smell trees, and grass, and dirt.”