“I need body parts, body parts cost money…well, I’ve got my Christmas Club!”
You have to love a movie where the hero finds solutions to conundrums by free-associating as he drills into his own brain with a power drill (“stewardesses, I need stewardesses!”).
Don’t leave them lying about if you don’t want people to be pushing ‘em.
Much to Lydia’s consternation, the trial court refused to consider her having an earworm stuck in her head—specifically “No! No! A Thousand Times No!”—as an affirmative defense in Jethro’s tort battery action against her.
Keith stepped out onto the steaming streets, with only one thing on his mind: shoes and sluts.
Thwarted from getting what she really wanted, but forbidden to complain about it, the eleven year-old girl cast about for another, legitimate reason to practice psychological torture on her parents.
We no doubt have touch for all the survival skills it provides, but for me it’s all the about the memory it holds.
The pink-clad, expensively-shod nightmare women can have their Sex and the City movie; tonight, my baby and I are watching this.
One of these days I’ll get the perfect letters and I’ll show all of you; the stars will align themselves!
So far I have applied Johnson’s No-More-Tangles, mayonnaise, avocadoes and STP, and yet my yarn remains snarled.
This is more uncomfortable than that time David Copperfield pulled W. Somerset Maugham’s bones out of my hat and wouldn’t stop screaming until Maugham admitted that his novel, The Magician, was about him.
Looking up at the first star of the night sky tonight, I made the same wish I’ve made made through 3 presidencies, several trials of the centuries, 4 different Dr Who’s, and the entire run of the X-Files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Scrubs, and Law and Order.
If fairies, gnomes, elves and pixies never existed, they probably do by now, just out of sheer “let’s blame it on them” belief.
Of course, none of us enjoy the visitation of nose snot, but woe to the poor nose elves whose job it is to ship it in, pack it up and let it all loose.
All the Buddhas of all the ages have been telling you a very simple fact: Be; don’t try to become.
She wore nothing but brown, hoping to blend into the trees while spying.
“It’s always harder than you think to walk away from online relationships,” remarked Ol’ Jukebox, logging off the library computer for the last time, “because for one thing, no feet.”
Somewhere in this vast city - I know not where - sits the sandwich I am destined to eat.
“Sequins, no; braid, yes,” said Reverend Darko firmly, as he passed his final sketches of the new priestess robes around the tables.
Good certainly does not have a clock attached.
My day has just been made immeasurably better thanks to the Ebony Hillbillies’ cover of “Sexual Healing.”
The world can be roughly divided into people who love leftovers for breakfast and people who find such a thing an abomination, but I’ve not been able to suss out what conclusions one can make about one’s personality, based on one’s breakfast quirks.
If finishing the leftover rogan josh and chapattis for breakfast is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
neil gaiman gives us this, which neither of us is prepared to mar with further verbage.
I feel that when the relationship is over you should be allowed to take your songs back…
Today, for the first time in nearly 20 years of living in the same city, I bought a cd from a band busking in the subway, playing music so grand it made my heart hurt and caused me to miss my connecting train.
I HAT$EWS IT!!!!1111!!!!
A great big pile of freedom may also suddenly appear as a great big hole in the ground.
i lost it, so i had to replace it, sixty frigging bucks to get another one here in time, though, so just before pushing the button i asked my co-worker, to make sure, if she had seen it, it had been right here and then it wasn’t and i’d been looking everywhere for a week, even though i knew if she had seen it while i wasn’t around she would have told me, but ask i had to anyway but no, no seeing, so i made a face and pushed the $60/no return button on the credit card; and then, when i rummaged around in her box trying to find a different one to use while she was gone, there it was, tucked away down at the bottom and i thought then i’d have two but no, the overnight shipping i’d paid double for didn’t take and so i got the whole thing refunded after all in time to just use tomorrow the original one, which i took back from her box, as i had planned before i lost it, and she’s still out, and i wanna know (but really i don’t) WTF???
Now that her kitchen had been turned into a cluttered, unfriendly minefield of toe-stubbing cardboard boxes, plastic shopping bags tumbling off the cheap shelving, and never enough lemons when she needed them, Bronwyn grew to loath making dinner, feeling that what was once her space no longer was; oddly enough, though, the kitchen was still more than friendly when the time came to bake cakes.
I was just innocently dreaming of the unattainable dream of joining the sportscar timeshare club and driving their Ferraris, Lotuses, classic Jaguars, etc. (don’t look at me like that, it was during my union-mandated coffee and internet break) and Modest Mouse came on the random player singing “Race Car Grin.”
I’ve always hated MySpace and thought it was a good idea to boycott it, but now that I hear Obama will be choosing one of his best MySpace friends to be the Secretary of Defense, I’m not so sure I made the right decision.
Her new glasses had a special coating that allowed her laser vision to focus itself into a hot red dot and explode things.
“You might want to twitter Obama,” said Julie, so I did.
Woohoooooo! and a beer.
Work, yarn, coffee, work.
the new, economically stimulated slipcovers are delivered.
Rufus thinks it’s probably a bad idea to Twitter that he’s thinking about robbing the convenience store, but my friend Schuster thinks it’s a good idea because maybe the clerk will Twitter back and give away how much money’s in the register.
The job paid 1000 Diddly Squats, a type of currency Carl had thought went out of circulation in 1972.
The only car left in the rental lot turned out to be a decommissioned tank, and though Doug was dubious, Vivian was game to take it for a spin out on the open highway.
Carmen was the sous chef of quilting; many a Saturday afternoon was spent at the crafts shop, slicing long lengths of cotton fabric on the bias for binding.
Gosh, if I wanted to be ignored by the online community, I would go back to blogging.
As I polished away at my resume, I realized that it was beginning to take on aspects of a Rufus and Schuster story, and that should I ever end up at an interview, I would have to try my hardest not to smile insanely.
Mixed in amid the vacation websites and books on Amazon are more interesting gems such as “prenatal paternity testing,” “Brazilian Consulate - Immigration Policies,” “US CODE: Title 42,1383a penalties for social security fraud,” and “Knappogue Castle 1992 Irish Whiskey.”
The stake out at Vinbot’s Pharmacy to catch Leroy the One-Legged Man buying foot cream was taking a lot longer than Carl had anticipated.
After years of research, listening to thousands of hours of music, I have located the definitive polar opposite of my beloved Janis Joplin, and now my teeth ache and I’m contemplating pouring Listerine in my ears.
The car was just sitting there running, too much of a temptation for Vivian to deny.
I’d strengthen the thread that’s holding him to life until it became a string and then a rope and then it’s so thick it’s like a tree that’s rooting him to this earth forever.
Nothing makes you happier than knowing there’ll be rainbow stripes involved.
Nothing shores you up so well as a big, bright red pair of boots.
Why is the odd Irishman the only thing worth watching after midnight?
“What usually happens is that I’m invited to the country house of some mad colonel; once there, I drink an entire bottle of claret, smoke 50 cigarettes and have everyone on the premises arrested.”
“thanks for assuming I’m a complete and udder moron…”
Looking at the hooded entity before her, Miss Jane smiled delicately as she sliced yet another strip of gaffa tape ready for a pointed, unpleasant and necessary application.
As inspired by: bakerina's Paranoia the Destroyer
If the universe is readying itself to hurl things at you, I say get out the baseball bat and start swinging.
Those who know me best know that I swing two different ways—when I’m not looking at boobies, I like to look at wood.
No matter how much I try to shake it, I can’t help but have the feeling that one of those letters might have been a mistake, and the universe is gearing up to have a great chuckle at my early hubris.
Sometimes you just have to buy a smoothie to make life go forward properly.
Every time I go outside, even if I’m just going around the corner to buy milk, I realize that this would be an impossible task in Baghdad, that walking around the corner means taking your life into your own hands, and walking across town, as Lloyd and I did yesterday, is not even an option.
One might think that after 40 summers of sweating through one’s eyelashes, the sense of indignant surprise would abate, but that didn’t stop Bronwyn from thinking, “hey! I’m sweating through my eyelashes!” after five minutes outside.
And then you find out that the end is simply another beginning.
She went to bed and dreamed of a better future, one that started with a bowl of oatmeal.
I told him that I needed him to let me go, and for the first and last time I saw the purest form of love in his watery blue eyes as he kissed my forehead and walked away.
I just pulled an all nighter studying for an upcoming psychology test about sleep.
Some good-natured indoor shotgun fire recently damaged my monitor casing and cast a permanent yellow haze over the screen, and my mouse mechanism appears to be clotted with some sort of fruit-based mucosity.
Two years later, Juan got the pun.
Janine was proud that she had kept her resolution not to shout or swear at other drivers while her kids were in the van, as it tended to frighten them; but in her mind, lo, the roadways ran red with the blood of those who cut her off or turned without signaling.
Lloyd and I went to see this movie today, and I still can’t find the words to describe what I’ve seen.
A tribe of satin clad Visigoths have congregated outside my window dancing an oddly choreographed war dance to the Blue Danube.
You can earn an online degree in just about anything including how to run a successful murder for hire business - my final exam is my ex-wife and her husband - which according to the US Labor Board is considered a growth industry.
It’s been almost 12 years since my divorce and subsequent bankruptcy and today when I tried to buy a new laptop I discovered that I am still paying for that mistake!
It’s a high-stakes game of scrabble indeed when a series of 21-pointers only gets you a decent third place.
I just found a scrap of paper that apparently fell out of Bakerina’s pocket when she was visiting, titled “Bakerina’s Christmas List”.
Oh, nooooo…I’ve got icing in my brain!
Why didn’t I think to {insert bloody clever idea here} earlier?
He’d thought about the resurrection now for more than a month, falling asleep with it on his mind, waking in the morning with it still there, so one more night didn’t bother him at all, not in the least.
As inspired by: metamorphosism
It is May so my car is covered with pollen, and driving around, I think this is what it would feel like to be a varroa jacobsoni, a relatively benign honeybee parasite, if varroa jacobsoni drove the bee and found it irritating to have to drive bees in the first place, because bees got cracks in their windshields all the time, no sooner did you replace the windshield, it got a new crack, maybe bees shouldn’t tailgate trucks, or even cars, and the price of whatever ran the bees was going up to the point that, sheesh.
I have found that cotton candy is bad for my self-esteem, because it confounds my spatial skills; I feel a fool for taking a large bite, yet then there seems to be nothing in my mouth.
Carl’s fourth wife had once insisted that he compare all of his various wives to teeth, so he’d told her, after her considerable nagging, that while he was unsure of the others, she was definitely the incisor of the bunch; some years later, however, he’d come to realize that he thought more of them all as wisdom teeth - troublesome right up until the moment they were gone.
“Don’t kid yourselves,” Carl told his biographer shortly before his execution in 2007, “if humans grew faster and tasted better, there’d be a farm down in Arkansas raising them by the millions.”
I can’t figure out why my son chews whip cream.
is it morning here (surely somewhee?)
It’s Sunday morning
And thoughts turn to mini-golf
Sunburn, victory
It’s not enough to merely win scrabble; now you must use your best word in a sentence.
Saying something is hidden “near the rocks” is not useful when one is standing in front of a stone wall.
You are not annoying; you are all special tiles.
The teeth in my head will stay where they are, until one day they are six feet under.
My teeth get stickier the older I get, so I make odd sucking sounds after meals.
Anyone who ever suggested or thought that it was okay to make anything mandatory because it would generate revenue.
After hearing about the Glide-O-Bike Airport, Henry knew he had to get there, no matter what the cost.
... a fresh jelly donut on a Saturday morning.
After reading the latest issue Wildcat, Henry knew he had to find the Nympho Gaucho of the Mato Grosso, no matter what the cost.
After reading the latest issue of Man’s Epic, Henry knew he had to find the European Mod-Mod Capital of Lust, no matter what the cost.
You deliver a dusty, used file cabinet from the warehouse to my office, a month overdue, tell me it’s locked and must be re-keyed, and that the rustling noise we heard as we tilted the cabinet might be a dead rat - and you expect me to tip you?
There’s something snuggy and comfortable about a nuclear family, until the fangs are bared.
She loved being single, but she missed the times when she was pretty enough, smart enough, and perfect enough without even trying.
Considering the great distance that separated him from the giant Texas sinkhole, Peter’s doctors assured him that his heart was, in fact, attached somehow to the geological oddity and, worse yet, that he would need immediate surgery to remove several thousand tons on soil, two trailer houses, and a dead dog that someone had, unfortunately, tossed into the hole when no one was looking.
Denim is the most invisible of the fabrics, except when it comes to fancy-ass restaurants, rendering it suddenly quite noticeable.
From that day forward, Julie carried a set of travel Scrabble in her backpack, ready to thrust in the direction of strangers who felt she looked a nice person to chat to.
The complicated process of my aging is not something I understand, but then, from what I’ve been able to observe, understanding is not actually a necessary part of the process.
Fender’s dogs never missed him when he was away, but they did remember him with fondness upon his return.
In fact, Muriel’s family had kept every present she’d ever given them, a fact she discovered while pulling cobwebby detritus from the top shelf of the closet in the foyer.
Sometimes I wish people would just be nice to each other, but then I remember that my entire professional career exists because so many people are mean, greedy, and/or stupid.
Cookie dough made with barley flour emits a scent so beautiful as to be otherworldly as it bakes.
What a day this has been: you go outside because it’s a beautiful spring day, only to be pelted with rain from a fast-moving black cloud; you go inside to dry off and maybe bake some cookies, when, midway through the bake, the rain stops, the clouds move and a blazing sun emerges, filling your apartment with light and chiding you for being inside on such a nice day, so you rush through the rest of the bake, grab your bag and go back outside, only to be pelted with more rain, und so weiter.
Packing can wait; baking cannot.
Always the optimist, Peter never stared too long into illusion of good health, and often reminded people that the least expensive insurance company out there was still called death.
Since there is virtually no chance that I will turn into a woman with a beard, I really enjoy joking around about it.
I discovered a large blob of jelly on the front of my jacket and realized that I was turning into my father.
With so few deadlines in my life these days, you’d think they’d be easy to meet, but of course, deadlines don’t work that way.
Everything I know about my dog, I learned from my friends’ poor impersonations of Cesar Millan.
Joyce took great pleasure in teaching the idioms section of her ESL class things like, “I have a cross to grind,” and “we all have our axes to bear.”
Having forgotten her password, she fell into a deep despair, only reinforced further by the leer of her MacBook’s open mouth.
Jesus’ learned patience each morning when he stepped out onto his wet lawn to retrieve the soggy newspaper that his carrier flung haphazardly as he rushed through his route.
“Masturbating won’t make you go blind or get you sent to hell, “ Bradley assured his embarrassed teen aged son, Alex, “But trying to act like you have never done it only makes you look silly, especially when you mom finds your special sock in your night stand.
Jim Dandy never actually comes to the rescue.
Darlene discovered that just because you started going to church on Sunday’s and reading the bible every night didn’t mean your virginity would be returned to you.
After a fight with his girlfriend Cecil’s self esteem would rain down sorrowfully upon the earth making plink, plink sounds as it hit the roof of his single wide.
Because the state couldn’t find a way to tax my soul, I was informed by their accountant that I was free to do with it as I pleased, but that any pursuits that resulted in monetary gain would need to be reported; later that day two Mormon boys stopped by the house to to give me what I often refer to as “spiritual accounting” advice, but I told them that I still found spiritual taxation without representation preferable to anything I’d read in their pamphlets, thanked them for their time, then turned the dog loose to hasten things along.
I’m trying to get the monkey off my back; I’m slipping on too many banana peels.
I have to admit, the reader board of a local church that says, “I boast in Jesus” has me both theologically and grammatically confused.
I hear bees a hummin’ and I know the day’s a’comin’ / love’s gonna live here again.
Sometimes on the phone late at night, when I said, “Is it okay if I just spend the night here at Randy’s?,” what I was really saying was, “Some girls snuck Randy, Gary, and me into their slumber party without their parent’s knowing it and we think we’d like to stay.”
I don’t care what it is, I’d just like to see some fiends/bidding action, if that’s alright.
I didn’t lie when my dad asked me if I am dating someone because technically he hasn’t asked me out yet.
If only outlaws will have puppets when puppets are outlawed, will I have I puppet as an outlaw or be an outlaw’s puppet?
Chef Tony loved Betty Crocker but he was getting tired of spooning all the time, longing for the early days of their relationship when they passionately forked three times a night.
I tried to convince my 13yo daughter to write about Allen Ginsburg for her “An Influential 20th Century Figure I Admire” essay, but she pointed out her crew cut drill sergeant of an instructor might not think it as amusing as she and I did.
Consider the jellybean: tiny, sweet, ostensibly harmless; eat it with half a pound of its brethren, though, and you will see it for the ruthless enemy it is.
I was idly thinking, what if you could pay someone to clean your house, and that’s when I realized I’d invented the cleaning lady.
While most men’s gaze will linger over a women’s breasts, finely toned calves or her tight sculpted butt it’s the nose that I find gives a women her most distinguishing feature, and I find myself distressed over the number of women who feel that they must resort to surgery to fix nature’s perfection.
When I am alone I pull my own hair and call myself bitch.
There are two kinds of micromanagers: the first kind is a control freak who refuses to trust his people to do their jobs, and the second kind is the chronically out-of-the-loop manager who never knows what is going and so constantly harangues his staff in an effort to save face with the suits.
Julio’s aunt used to read chicken bones and tea leaves with great accuracy, but Julio’s gift is a bit odder and decidedly less practical—reading the bubbles in the pee in the urinal.
As deep as our addictions may be, I’m not sure any of us are prepared for this.
I don’t know why the Mango Council hasn’t hired me yet after all the nice things I’ve said about their product.
Just when I think that overpackaged, hypermanipulated food couldn’t get any more bizarre, or the marketing for said food any more loathsome, a good friend will ask me, “have you heard about this?”
In his nightmare, Juan pulled open the shed door, realizing in horror that he’d neglected for too many days to feed the menagerie of snakes, tortoises, lizards and fish that were his responsibility and they were all suffering terribly.
It was panic buy carrot day on the 15th so I bought 5 bags of carrots and spread them all over my small town and high school…much to the distress or humour of others.
The cancer continues to spread but I still won’t give up and would give my little toe for him to live to the end of the year.
If this is a suggestion box I think that potatomelon would be an awesome thing to add to the world…
I would just like to enquire as to whether your suicide mission towards my eyeball today had a greater cause, or, perhaps more likely, you felt that you had always wanted to go out with a splat.
So much to knit; so little time.
The foods I like best are simply venues for salt.
“What kind of cheese goes good with salmon?”
She had fully intended to get up, clean house and cook a scrumptious dinner, but a good book and the couch did her in every time.
The skin on her hands had turned translucent with age; looking at my own hands, I had a glimpse of their future likeness.
Nostalgia felt not unlike a heartbreak. Sadly, Dreams felt much the same.
She sat on her couch, reveling in the cool breezes of the fan by the window, sipping her iced tea garnished with mint from her own garden and happily watched the grass grow.
I guess it is safe to say that someone suffering from hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia can’t diagnose themselves.
She reached the magical number 888, and decided to celebrate by washing the car.