Talks broke down at the bargaining table, but the threat of a strike by the Panhandlers Union did not instantly cause city officials to see reason.
Poetry on the subject of writing is a lot like second albums which are always about life on the road.
The travel company keeps sending me emails telling me they can make all my dreams come true, so at least it’s good to know they haven’t installed spyware in my head.
From 5:30-6:00 this morning I shot it out with thugs who’d taken over my childhood neighborhood, then jumped behind the oversized, stiff steering wheel of my old ‘70 Chevy Longhorn to drive through the icy streets of a strange city to help a friend of mine find a therapist, who he said he needed to talk to, but if I wanted to stop off for Chinese food on the way, that’d be okay too; the remainder of my day will no doubt be less eventful.
Eleven days…five hours and fifty-seven minutes left…not that I’m counting or anything.
The head of cabbage appeared to be alive and stank of feet.
I now find myself in the interesting predicament of having no home: my old apartment is empty, my new apartment is 1500 miles away, and for the next 48 hours I am at the mercy of my parents who keep telling me to stay as long as I wish and keep asking me when I’m leaving; heaven help me.
Under the header detailing the dates he worked as a construction worker, my student listed one of his job responsibilities as “fed limbs to the chipper.”
Jerry thought he’d got off lightly when the judge sentenced him to a slappin’ for his crimes - but only because he’d never had one - and the judge was satisfied because he’d seen the rehabilitative results of the Justice Trout before, and so it was one of those rare days in the judicial system when, for just a little while, all the fish won.
“You’ve got the tender beef, butter, salt, French fries, beer — all your major food groups.”
“No, after we’re married, I’ll only make waffles for myself, but under California law, you will own half of them.”
Many have tried, but you will never escape this prison sentence.
It was all easier to understand once I found out that the president was under the belief that veto power had something to do with a large, hairy Italian man willing to rough people up.
In a futile effort to contact my cable provider (who sucks, by the way), the automated voice that answered the call asked the usual inane questions, but then followed up with, “What does it all mean, really?”, and since I was impressed that a robot was capable of asking such a deep question, I gave what I felt was a well-considered answer that involved allusions to Kant and Plato, with a smattering of Boethius for taste, to which the automated voice replied, “Pfft. No! Wrong!”, before hanging up.
I know an itchy palm means money is coming in and an itchy sole of your foot means you’ll travel soon, but what does an itchy back of your hand mean?
Yoga was good until my cell phone rang during final relaxation time; at least it probably made the woman who farted during sun salutations feel a bit better.
I find all sorts of information on how to register to vote, but not one mention of how to un-register.
I will never fall asleep watching CNN again, last night I dreamed that Obama had released a gaggle of robotic chickens on an unsuspecting Hilary Clinton.
Dr. Doom could scarecly believe his luck, Obama really was Captain America and this did not bode well for his latest evil scheme as it had been based on the reported death of his nemesis; In a related story, Stan Lee goes into hiding.
Reinhold Von German, attorney to the stars, addressed his son’s 5th grade career day assembly by explaining our current legal system which is not about justice - as you might think - but “a compelling drama between two attorneys each trying to sell their story to the jury as the most worthy of earning a movie deal.”
Carl would often stare at coworker’s breasts for hours at a time, yet because of his dysexlexia, often confused one breast for the other.
it’s clinton and mccain, which means, if florida is the indicator they make it out to be, that McCain will be the next president because nobody is more universally despised hillary clinton and guess what? in elections—as opposed to these far-thinking florida party primaries (plan ahead, guys)—you get to cross party lines (what a concept!)
i broke my rib last friday and i’m tired of being stoic about it so i will accept commiseration and bizarre treatment options now; thank you.
“You think *you’ve* just lost your collaborative online virginity—Honey, I’m still walking funny—probably will for weeks.”
Despite the best organizational blueprint, Tammy realized that the last box she packed in the apartment was bound to be filled with Q-tips, 409, a bedsheet, and the rest of the peanut butter.
The Parmesan King of Tillamook County was not without his enemies.
While discussing funeral arrangements, the old man pointed a bony finger at the funeral director…sorry…post-life administrator, and said, “Listen, I want there to be klowns at my funeral to keep things light, but I need you to understand that they have to be klowns with a ‘k’, not with a ‘c’, because klowns with a ‘c’ are just asshats in makeup, while klowns with a ‘k’ are funny in ways that can’t be explained.”
Mr. Charleton’s pebbleware dreams had all but ended, yet he still danced about town, carefree and hatless.
i voted, although no one cares, it won’t count and pretty much i just toss the cards in the air; still, i am unable to stop myself.
Dick Cheney is forbidden from using “Peter Gunn” as his theme music and must refrain from having it played whenever he enters the House.
The zoology department at Princeton discovered that if you dressed 100 monkeys up in suits and ties and put them in congress they might actually pass useful legislation; Harvard zoologists were quickly trying to debunk this hypothesis as the only thing their monkeys ever did was write MacBeth and fling the occasional poo.
He kicked the snowmen’s arm bones under the bushes, then looked around to make sure no one had been watching.
I enjoy politics slightly less than being stabbed, however, I think that were I a pundit, I’d look favorably upon Mr. Obama’s campaign because he reminds me of a pragmatic and down-to-earth version of Shaft, and if there’s anything that this country needs more than high colonic, it’s a Shaft-like president.
Stewart couldn’t have cared less about the apparitions, and if it wasn’t for his having to untangle them from the cobwebs each morning, he probably wouldn’t have paid them any attention at all.
As my daughter grows taller, our hugs change shape but not depth.
Though his head was buried deep within his blankets and pillows, Fender could still hear his boss’s voice on the answering machine, intoning his infamous line, “You can be ill at work just as easily as at home”, and he wished for just a moment he were actually capable of getting out of bed and driving to the store, just for the satisfaction of sneezing in the bastard’s lunch.
With her newly formed sucker fingertips, she found that crawling on the ceiling of the bank was a cinch, and no one noticed her long flickering tongue as she flicked money from the till into her mouth.
As inspired by: 'mouse's Sex Ed 2008 Edition
Kalee, gracefully aging hippy and mother of 3 boys, sat next to Rev. Teasdale at the Grandview PTA elbowing him in the ribs playfully during the unveiling of the new sexual abstinence program while the approving parents in the audience where unaware that their young, Christian children believed that oral and anal sex didn’t count and, therefore, wouldn’t get them into trouble with Jesus.
My inner Progressive thought that George “the shrub” Bush looked positively and inappropriately giddy during his final State of the Union, a sentiment that my inner Libertarian finally agreed on prompting the Progressive to remark the current state of the union could be summed up in two short words –it sucks – the Libertarian could only nod passively.
The new donut shop I tried Saturday (and will never visit again) had the temerity to put a day-old donut in my bag when I paid for fresh, and they didn’t even try to make up for their crime with free donut holes.
In response to the final “what have you learned from this discussion” question, on my daughter’s interview-your-parents-about-the-benefits-of-abstinence questionnaire for 7th grade sex-ed, she refused to write, “Study after study has proved that abstinence-only programs increase unplanned pregnancies and STD transmission” and argued, “let’s keep that between me and you, dad, the poor teacher’s got to turn this crap in for government review so the school can keep its funding - don’t get her in trouble.”
Dark though it may seem and requiring great patience and long-suffering, I admittedly yearn to not only provide certain people with enough rope (their ignorance and hatred will effectively knot their noose), I also want to plant the tree from whose stout limb they’ll one day hang.
Fortunately it’s impossible to actually shrink, even when you’re this embarrassed.
Judge Socrates sipped his coffee and sighed, wondering if there was any way that he could simply have the defendant’s head cut off and displayed on a pike outside the courthouse door as a warning to others who would so try his patience.
For most of my life I’d remembered her only as the girl who’d thrown her boyfriend out of the house for offering her best friend $50 to urinate on his bare feet, but then one day, just out of the blue, I was able to recall the look on the boyfriend’s face as he walked out the door, and how those of us who were left there in the room laughed a little too loudly to mask our discomfort.
When I finally lose all my hair there will be no bad comb overs for me…no sir…I intend to buy the worst toupee ever made - a toupee so bad that people will ask aloud, “Who does he think he is fooling?” - and I will walk around town wiggling my eyebrows at lovely young women and doffing my rug in deference pretending to be so clueless that they will find me endearing in an unsettling and creepy sort of way.
Christian Rosenkreuntz’ girlfriend bought him a brand new Ostrerizer hoping that he would follow through on his new years resolution to eat more healthy - she even brought protein powder and fresh fruit - but Rosenkreuntz eyes lit up with the promises of all the Marguerites to come.
Sometimes there’s just nothing more to say; at that time, there’s ice cream.
“I can understand why you want a better man, but why do you want to make him out of me?”
My goal for today is to sit around and eat pot roast, but when I think about it, that seems kind of shortsighted and lazy, so maybe some potatoes, too.
The old pickup truck burned like a beacon in the desert in the night.
A bear is not ever only a bear.
As inspired by: You can call me, 'Sir''s self-pity a-go-go
While there may have been no more worries for a week or two for the highly strung Michelle, her rather hapless co-worker was about to have her mind invaded in unfortunate, messy and, eventually, lethal ways.
Deep, deep down in the murky depths at the centre of the Earth, the great machine drove up and down and thousands of pendulums swung hypnotically back and forth, the motion of each part perfectly tuned and flawlessly timed, while up above the musicians played and humanity hummed and tapped its toes.
Yesterday was Australia Day and while the notion did occur to me to write something cutting and witty about it, in the end, in true Ocker fashion, I thought “nah, I can’t be stuffed”.
As inspired by: littledevilworks's I might have misheard the lyrics….
I am an farms dealer, doody doo, with reppin’ in the form of worrerrreerrrdds.
I so tire of my incessant internal sighs and dramatic suppression of rage that occasionally I’ll lob a scathing one-liner at random passers-by in hopes of transferring my angst in some small cruel way, similar to the steam that leaks with random violence from the top of a pressure cooker.
Rufus thinks that there is no way Bill Cosby’s attorney could have snuck up on them like that unless he had a map of the sewers, but my friend Schuster disagrees, and thinks that maybe he was down there all along, and that whatever sneaky business he was up to, it was now up to them to find out what and warn the people before it was too late.
Backing up your computer, rotating your tires, paying the bills; life dogs you.
As inspired by: littledevilworks's I might have misheard the lyrics….
MY friend and I discovered that his roommate thought that Michael Jackson’s, “Don’t Go Chasin’ Waterfalls” was actually about water conservation when he started to sing along with the radio, “Don’t go wastin’ water y’all.”
As inspired by: e's “real conservative change”
“Liberty [University School of Law] has one of the most innovative and progressive legal education programs in the country.”
As inspired by: Br. Ezra's Motto of the Temple of Priapus
Jerry worshiped wholeheartedly at the Temple of the (duck-billed) Platypus where the motto was “no quacks”.
PENI TENTO non PENITENTI
As inspired by: littledevilworks's I might have misheard the lyrics #2….
Secret Asian man…
Feeling like he did as a teenager buying condoms, Sam placed the “just for men” hair dye on the convenience store counter.
Venturing bravely out on a cold and rainy evening, she defeated her natural impulse to put on her pajamas and turn on the television.
It is a disturbing trend that one cannot find a decent table cloth within a department store; does everyone just pull up a chair and eat straight from the trough these days?
“Iceberg lettuce dead ahead!”
As inspired by: Bunni's The Pre-quel to Tropic of Calculus
A conclusion that can be made is that pain is congruent to heartbreak, justifed by the Boys Are Liars Theorem.
I tired explaining to Anne that, although the email said it was sent by Michelle Obama, Mrs. Obama and I were not on a first name basis and I was definitely not in her “five.”
Whenever Fender fell asleep at his desk, he’d wake to the smell of Sharpie pens and rude drawings all over his head.
I admitted to knitting on occasion, though I didn’t tell them how much it made me squint.
Fred Astaire’s ghost glides restlessly through my old house searching eternally for Ginger Rogers, his feet occasionally tapping on the hard wood floors as he goes room to room.
Even though he’s in his thirties now, Rufus still wonders if his life would have turned out differently if his mother had done a better job of raising him, but my friend Schuster thinks talking about it is a complete waste of time, and that when she calls them upstairs for dinner, they should just ask her.
“Like ripping a band-aid off…one that’s super-glued, stapled and imbedded in your skin”
Given the present state of television programing the notorious costume Satanist Anton LeVey, were he alive today, would have his own reality series on MTV or, perhaps, a late night talk show on FOX.
“I already work for the other guy…would you like a popsicle?”
At the new-age bookstore, the clerk just smiled as the shoplifter ran out the door.
Toby was unsure what had turned the mood in the room for the better but certainly did not consider for a moment that his muttered reminder to revictual his car before the long journey to the soup kitchen - where he intended to donate his fork in order to raise awareness of the good work they did there - had anything to do with it.
Generally considered to be a flighty breed with a very short attention span, The Rubberneckers were the bane of drivers everywhere.
it’s official: the language has been corrupted beyond any recognition, straight on ‘til meaningless.
I never get anything interesting in the mail, only bills…a little anthrax or even a fake check from publisher’s clearing house would at least liven things up now and again
“This is either the dawning of the Age of Aquarius or a sign of the coming apocalypse.”
“Yeah, when I eat fresh bing cherries in January in the northern hemisphere it’s unnatural and wastes obscene amounts of jet fuel and contributes to global warming and blah, blah, blah,” said Juan to anyone who listen, “so, what’s your point?”
As a child, Bronwyn used to die a little bit on the inside every time her stepfather would say, brightly, “Okay, here’s the list!” and start writing down what needed to be accomplished that day; as far as she was concerned, “list” was synonymous with “half the day lost in tedious chores and busywork”; thus, when her dear friend/personal pillar of wisdom said “you need to make a list of what you want to get done, and it doesn’t need to be a big list, in fact, it should be doable, so that you can feel as if you’ve accomplished something,” Bronwyn could not help but pull the face of all faces…but lo and behold, the pillar of wisdom was right, leaving Bronwyn to conclude that listmaking is one of those pleasures lost on children and best saved for adulthood, like brandy, tapenade, Scrabble, and co-ed skinnydipping.
Why does “trickle down economics” feel like those at the top are standing up there pissing on those below and telling them to enjoy it?
As the days drag on my inner Libertarian is fighting with my inner progressive and all the while a smart spirit of nihilism is playing about their feet.
According to the mailing I just received the Enron settlement is about $7,227,390,000 and the lawyers’ contingent fee works out to a bit over 9-percent; I’m in the wrong business.
Rufus thinks the rising cost of eggs is an outrage, and my friend Schuster says he couldn’t agree more, and that if the price goes any higher they were going to have to seriously consider finding something else fun to throw at cars.
There was nothing more to say, thought Toby’s friends, and, with a resigned air, they began to make their way to the gallery’s open bar, when someone overheard a word - a ghost of a thread of a whisper of a word - a word which, when shared, put a new spring into their step: “residuals”.
The window of opportunity had never been wider, but Fender couldn’t shake the nagging image of a burglar making a lethal getaway from the tenth floor.
The fifth day of a cold is when the phlegm in the sinuses and throat takes on a gelatinous quality.
Those who enjoy speculating about the causes of a young movie star’s untimely demise are horrible in their own way, but when I see or hear about others who use the situation for their own personal enjoyment or gain, well, as far as I’m concerned, that’s the straw that breaks the mountain’s back.
Everything eventually becomes quite dirty; our efforts at staving off that grimy day are best left to someone else.
Has anyone else noticed the “daily comic” has been up for three days?
It’s like someone just popped my balloon…there’s no other way to explain it.
I believe I am at the point where I would punch some airholes in a box, climb in and enjoy the van ride to Kansas, would someone please come over and seal me up with packing tape?
While channelling her heroine, Scarlet O’Hara, Ameeleigh received a concussion, obtained when the heavy Venetian blinds dropped on her head as she pulled them down to create a fashionable ensemble; a court appearance regarding a certain streaking episode in the audience stands of the Australian Open during Maria Sharapova epic battle against Jelena Jankovic, (clad only in garishly flapping apricot blinds); and a police record, which ensured she could never fulfil her lifelong ambition of becoming totally cool spy, just like Mata Hari.
Dying for a snack, Juan rooted round in the back of the empty snack cupboard at the office and was delighted to find a half a bag of fossilized dried mangoes which expired in June 2005 had, rather appropriately, fallen behind the disused first aid kit.
It is better to eat the soft-shell crab than to be the soft-shell crab.
Having found a stash of emails she had sent during a period of chocolate deprivation induced fuzziness, humiliated, Ameeleigh determined to never be without chocolate as long as she breathed.
Thanks largely to the red blinking dot on the CHATTING LIVE customer care box, Peter was able to determine that he had not been abducted by aliens, or, for that matter, snuck off to the bathroom for a very long smoke break; he was, however, not able to determine which of those two things was happening on the other side of the dot.
Having been bitten by a dog, stung by a bee, and spent quality time on the receiving end of depression’s cattle prod, I find the concept of everything being alright as long you remember a few of your favorite things is a giant steaming load of horse manure, although, admittedly, Julie Andrews was kind of a hotty who at least made it sound plausible.
As inspired by: darksteve's But….your wares?!
Thank you for you restoring my faith in humanity; when the world is finally mine your death shall be quick and painless.
Yesterday, I noticed that Keith’s sentence count was at 1985, a year that I can remember well (despite the alcohol and late nights in discos), unfortunately 1081 isn’t so clear in my mind and another 900 sentences seems like a lot to go.
Jan van de Boer ran afoul of Melbourne in other ways besides time zone disparity; Heather – the ex wife – had a penchant for a card game called Millles Borne but Jan, in his innate stubbornness, insisted it was really called Melbourne and even after viewing the box the game came in claimed it was wrong (he was sure he played an Australian card game once that had names of crops such as rye and wheat on some of the cards) even though he had no way of proving to Heather the error of her ways.
Jan van de Boer called in sick because of the time difference between Denver and Melbourne - he was scheduled to start his shift at 3:25PM but it was only 7:25AM in the home of the Australian Open - and since he found the idea of missing Maria Sharapova square off against Jelena Jankovic in the last day of the semi finals to be worse then actually having the flu which, is what he told his boss he had (fake coughs and wheezing added to give it a sense of realism), he concluded that missing a day of work to be well worth it.
I think…she just likes to make my life a living hell.
Rufus thinks that he might get a job as a parole officer so he could have himself assigned to himself which, as he put it, “would be a sweet setup,” but my friend Schuster thinks this is the stupidest thing he’s ever heard of, since Rufus is clearly not smart enough to be able to lie to himself about who he’s hanging out with.
First reach out blindly and take yourself a big sip out of last week’s coffee cup so you’ll know where I’m coming from, and then we’ll talk.
Schrodinger’s cat felt that the Veggie Tales version of Jonah is more accurate because Whales are more likely to be vegetarian (feasting as they do on plankton) then they are to be carnivorous; Einstein disagreed as some Whales do enjoy the occasional krill which, makes them at least omnivorous, but did concede the cat’s point that it was highly unlikely such a creature could ever swallow a man whole.
Gary: Ok, Keith, if it doesn’t seem to sync up, let us in support know and we’ll have management go lean on the engineers.
If we could schedule a time for all the rain to come at once, it would be a lot more convenient for me.
An important member of the Woodies learned the hard way that Hockey, not unlike sex, has harsh penalties for players who attempt to penetrate the goal before the other player(s) is ready thus, finding himself ejected from the game and forced to watch from the sidelines as another player gets to suit up and join the fun.
As inspired by: Keith's Yet Secretly, Some Considered Him Common
All the scientists, musicians, artists, writers and madmen walked in columns, over hills, traversing rivers, towards the common man’s house, carrying gifts of pie and whistling merry tunes, for all their achievements and all of their creations were done in the name of this man.
On Tuesday afternoons the villagers would meet near the center of town to discuss the boy’s great promise, eating warm pie and whistling lively dance tunes.
The importance of not getting the words ‘ukulele’ and ‘ululate’ mixed up will become immediately evident if you ever find yourself wailing on a banjo-like instrument during an Arab funeral procession.
Sometimes the shell holds something thrilling and magical and sometimes it holds just sand and empty air.
Women named Stella don’t always appreciate Marlon Brando impressions.
It is one thing to talk with the dead - a relatively easy task involving a basic Ouija board - but trying to keep their rotting, animated corpses from performing selections from La Boheme in full view of the neighbors is quite another.
so i’m showing my fifth graders how to put watercolor on the page and then spreaaaad it out as far as possible not to soak the paper, “kind of like mopping a floor: maybe slopping the mop down in one place but then quickly spreading the water out as far as it will go before you have to dip the brush again…” and i’m told, “i’ve never mopped a floor.”
Jan van de Boer extolled the virtues of women’s tennis to Rufus & Schuster explaining that an afternoon spent watching the leggy Russian beauty Maria Sharapova’s finely toned body glistening in sweat or the busty Jelena Dokic battle for supremacy on the open court was almost as good as watching celebrity honeymoon videos or midget porn; Rufus said he agreed, however, Schuster seemed uncharacteristically quiet on the subject.
I think I’d really like Kauai right about now.
I don’t think I ever realized how hard it would be to concentrate for the month after I gave notice of my leaving.
“But I don’t want to wear big boy pants!”
My co-worker and I discussed how unfair it was to have MLK Jr. day off and not any other day that may pertain to us; not that I don’t respect him - a great man in history, but what about the rest of us?
Trying to get into a healthier fitness zone and trying to become a female teenage Authur Rubenstein requires practice; there’s only so much practice one can cram into an afterschool afternoon, with other commitments to stay, well, committed to.
“I believe that I can be an enthusiastic participant in classroom discussions; I am qualified to be such thanks to nearly 25 years of riding public transit in New York City.”
You were cool and icy; you were white and proud and strong; you held foods both sweet and spicy; and now thank god you are forever gone.
My iTunes guilty pleasure is Avril Lavigne music, phew, now that’s off my chest, I can go and blast “Girlfriend” as loud as my speakers will allow!
My boyfriend is currently stuck under his mattress, in attempt to see if his bed was broken; I’d say it’s safe to say it’s not.
As I look out and down at the flat, waterlogged roof on the office building next door I’m thinking how much fun I could have with a couple hundred pounds of chia-seed.
Sometimes, when overwhelmed with millions of technical papers to write, I think my dream of becoming a Doctor was a mistake, because wouldn’t it be easier to skip all the stupid science nonsense and be crazy shut-in no-toothed basket weaver instead?
Around here, it’s “party if you find parking” and I intend to thwart my neighbors’ parking whenever possible.
I arrived at the office early this morning to discover I was the only one taking advantage of the new clothing optional policy - it wasn’t so bad if I stayed in my cubicle - and despite the obvious I was fine until I had to bend over to retreive my soda from the pop machine.
As inspired by: darksteve's But….your wares?!
A thousand pardons, good shopkeep, but hast thou loin ointment among your wares, for mine codpiece is new and, ZOUNDS, the CHAFING!
King’s dream really had something to do with getting in my way; I don’t know how he knew, but somehow he’d figured out they’d close the banks on Monday, damn him.
We do not negotiate with teenagers terrorists.
Finding himself suddenly surrounded by old men at the market, Peter felt both scared and relieved; the idea of aging frightened the hell out of him, but the old men’s comfortable slacks didn’t look half bad.
My wife, who never met an intersting old ice cream scoop she didn’t buy, doesn’t understand my mp3 obsession.
I don’t care that your girlfriend has a pet fetish and made out with your dog. :)
The only reason I tried the new church out was because Rev. Isabelle was so damn cute and I found that I had to resist the overpowering urge to kneel before her and pay homage to the new life within her by kissing her swollen belly.
If rain is monters (as Keith has suggested) then snow must be Cloverfield.
Browsing in a store earlier today I had an employee ask in their obligatory I-have-no-interest-in-serving-you-but-whatever way, “Can I help you sir?” to which I replied (in an effort to brighten up their day) “Thank you but I think not shopkeep, I am content merely to look upon your wares” to which they responded “Wha…?” and walked off.
On my way home today I saw a sign professing “Kid Storage Boxes sold here” and although I wondered briefly about the legality of such a product and why you would want to be rid of them if you had some, they were on sale so I bought one for a friend.
Five thirteen-year-old girls for a sleepover; please send barbituates, alcohol and marijuana (for me) and pizza (for them).
The button promised a firmware update, but delivered nothing more than an internally fried, useless piece of electronics.
You dream the absolute best dream for where you are, no matter what.
anybody know what i should use to best clear the smears off this liquid whatever it is notebook screen?
Remember when you’d be eating and suddenly your tooth would drop out?
I know that time passes, and that people come and go, but I am just not ready for a world without Suzanne Pleshette.