It was the dog that brought Leonard the cold which laid him out on the couch for a week, and while the dog proceeded to have a great time, contentedly sleeping with its head on Leonard’s stomach day after day, the cat grew incensed at the loss of its best nap spot, and began to plot revenge.
In economics, a firm is said to have monopoly power—or at least a degree of market power—if it is not facing a horizontal demand curve, but for that rare creature the sleep monopolist, the horizontal demand curve is the most comfortable and sought after position of them all.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot in days of auld lang syne ... it’ll be no big loss, because no one really knows what those words mean anyway.
I understand that blind people often compensate by developing exceptional hearing, but I keep forgetting to ask Jesus the one-eyed superjanitor, if you’re missing your left eye, does that lead to better hearing in your left ear?
After watching four solid days of television, the most interesting thing I have to report is that Charleton Heston needed to plug his nose when jumping into water (as observed in Planet of the Apes), which I think helps explain his need to part the waters in The Ten Commandments.
Lt. Spoggles pulled his helmet on tighter and swung the machine gun around to the front as he soared forward through the flashing green blades.
If you thought those fields of grasses appeared delightful, shivering in unison as a result of a gentle breeze, one would hope they weren’t depending on you for protection.
If herding sparrows through a saddlery sounds like your idea of a good time, YOU dream it.
As inspired by: Nay, liberally plagiarized from Brandon
“Some days he would see her after an extended absence and beckon with the calluses on his elbows, scratch a nonexistent itch in the hollow behind his earlobe, and regret that most of the world’s treasure has long been claimed by the time you are old enough to appreciate it, leaving you to fall in with the beggars and the thieves, or the ascetics who look away, the artists who make their own, or the mad who see it where it’s not, the compassionate who care for what’s been discarded, good hearted until years of ugliness have left them with such sweet regret, or the vandals and their if-not-me-then-no-one cans of spray paint, the very patient, who wait until it has nearly passed, though it doesn’t really, not when your eyes are closed to everything but remembrance.”
What the hell is a tofurkey and do they exist in the wild?
If God really didn’t want us to eat animals he shouldn’t have made them so damn tasty, especially slow grilled over mesquite and slathered in Bullseye!
Does it count if the chicken were vegan?
I’ll slide into the new year on a trail of mucus, quiet and slug-like.
She appeared, through the window, to be jumping on one foot, hand in the air, shaking her head violently and laughing, in some kind of new years rite that could only end in disaster.
Happy 2008 to boot, grud and everyone else who has already started celebrating.
With no regrets and without a backward glance he left 2007 and embraced 2008.
“They’re coming,” she yelled with glee, “and I get them all to myself!”
With a few hours of hours of rumbling, the years 1995 through 2000 have been reduced to three giant trashbags of their component parts.
I’d like to take this opportunity to praise the kitchen goddess for her magnificent gift of mild weather the day before Christmas and, therefore, allowing me the ability, fortitude and desire to cook.
“Now, just let that brain simmer for a few more hours and, voila!, you’ll find the brain will actually self implode, saving you the cost of expensive liqueurs.”
You take a step forward and the world recedes with dizzying speed.
Rufus wants to try cooking eggs on my feverish forehead and put in his order for two over easy, but my friend Schuster told him that he was being ridiculous, that with all my violent coughing the yolks were sure to break and the best he should hope for is scrambled.
and nary a peep from our fevered leader.
The feet were worryingly swollen, yet the young child smiled and giggled merrily at the nurse, who unbeknownst to even herself was in reality a small, cheesey antelope.
I’m sorry it took so long.
It’s a little-known fact that God used only a hex wrench and instructions written in French to assemble the world’s mountain ranges; they weren’t meant to last for more than a year or two.
People say I’m totally schizophrenic but the voices in my head say I’m not.
Rufus thought that I might already be dead, but my friend Schuster assured him that it wasn’t true, and that he could say this with absolutely certainty because when he tried to take my wallet, I still fought back.
I do love the heady rollout of roast potatoes, searing hot dishes, and delicious hot plum pudding, but most years I wish we’d all just give it up and go for a picnic and icecream.
Eat that which is ripe, speak that which is true.
Many years ago, I remember moving house as a kid and feeling so sad at leaving all my friends behind, while nowadays you can just pack ‘em up and take ‘em with you.
Do jackals pounce?
If it hurts so much to say goodbye, wouldn’t it be better to never say hello?
I have been leafing listlessly through catalogues all morning wondering what type of living room furniture best defines me.
I was expecting much better hallucinations with this fever.
Scrine; last thing in the box, first thing out in the new house.
Jan van de Boer thought that nudism sounded like it might be fun if it wasn’t for all the naked people who made it seem somehow distasteful.
Perkins felt his childhood would have been perfect if it hadn’t been for all the other children.
It takes a lot to ruin mashed potatoes, a fact this restaurant seems to regard as a challenge.
As inspired by: pam's Turnabout
Fred’s resurrection was somewhat disconcerting since he had been a dead atheist for over a century but, now that he was born again, he felt the need to write a long essay condemning the Vatican for decrying movies and books it finds offensive when it can’t seem to keep child molesters out of the priesthood; “Take that you freaking Nazi pope,” Fred shouted as he waved his fists in the air, “protest that why don’t you?”
As inspired by: pam's Turnabout
Nietzsche moaned and turned over in his grave when news of the Vatican’s ire over the death of God in the Golden Compass reached him; He had declared God dead in the 19th century and was quite annoyed that it took people over a century to notice.
“Next time a religion-themed movie comes out,” said Darko shrewdly, “we atheists should boycott it on the premise that it perverts impressionable minds, and see if evangelists start clamoring about how we’re out of line, trying to tell people in a free and open society what to believe.”
The Stonebender family was grimly sure there were too many ducks in the city pond anyway, and that nobody would notice if a few went missing, at dusk, say, right around holiday time.
I sure do miss working for a regulatory agency where everyone strived to stay on my good side; these days I couldn’t get a return call if I offered free beer with every voice mail.
People with the following initials should never have them monogrammed on jewelry, linen or shirts: BJ, BM, BO, BS or PP
Urban legends have some small kernel of fact upon which they are based, a truth that is provable with my recent discovery of Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen head on E-Bay – at present I am engaged in a viciously competitive bidding war – and when I obtain this amazing artifact I will place it in my temperature controlled basement next to a chunk of metal from the Roswell crash and a plaster foot cast from a Sasquatch (Who’s crazy now?).
i just received an email from someone named “porntip,” which turns out not to be spam after all but a gallery announcement from a fellow, albeit much younger, art school alum who, i fear, must actually live with it.
When Henry realized that robots don’t age because of the availablility of lubricant and cheap upgrades, he began researching cybornetics hoping to slowly replace his human parts with robot parts.
It wasn’t until the very last bit of color had faded from Henry’s aging laptop screen that he realized that he, too, was getting old and colorless, and that while he wasn’t a computer, nor his computer a human, he was fairly sure the two of them understood exactly how the other was feeling.
“This is what grandma meant when she said grandpa went to seed,” Henry said aloud as he trimmed back the tiny, scruffy little hairs growing out of his ears and nose like so much coarse alien prairie grass.
Sidran tells me that 40 is new the 20 but I don’t remember making those funny old man noises when I got in or out of a chair when I was 20 and this is only one of the many small indignities thrust upon my aging carcass that is now being overrun by hair (except on my head).
If things went to plan, Jenny fully expected to be a small star in another 2 or 3 thousand years.
Each time I attempt to post what I hope will be a truly memorable sentence I am confronted with such exquisite emptiness that I find myself wondering if I have used all of the words alloted to me in this lifetime therefore, if this is true, then perhaps my time would be better spent in seeking silence putting aside my dictionary and thesaurus for good.
Sadly, unwritten sentences comprise only 5% of my overall body fat, a fact that neither encourages me to write or exercise.
Rufus thought he’d saved enough money to buy a good prostitute for the New Year’s Eve celebration this year, unlike his previous year’s dates, but my friend Schuster was kind enough to remind him that the new year would be filled with hope; “You should shop cheap,” Schuster added, “so that when you’re arrested, again, you can hope that you have enough money left over to post bail.”
Rachel Ray has been serving me delicious food wearing nothing but a little apron and that huge, bright half-moon smile.
I really really really don’t want to go back to the house with the people and the conversation and the prune juice and the poorly-veiled guilt, all with nary a drop of alcohol, but it’s only for another day, I tell myself with a sigh, save me, O metal bird of literary whatnot, you’re my only hope, just like Alec Guinness was for Carrie Fisher in that flick with the wookie.
The message on the fast-food restaurant sign advertised a certain heart-stopping combination of beef and cheese as a ‘FLAVOR EXPLOSION’, and there’s a dark part of my cold cold soul that wants to walk into the restaurant with TNT strapped to my butt and tell the proprietors that if their meat-like slab of death doesn’t provide me with this ‘EXPLOSION’, I’ll provide it on their behalf.
The great thing about getting socks for Christmas is that they are more reliable than a spouse and (pay attention this is important)you can always darn your socks if they get a hole in them unlike your spouse who you must damn.
Warm socks; proof of divinity.
The hardest part of this job is getting other people to actually do their job so you can do yours, otherwise it’s a freaking breeze.
I got for Christmas from my so-called Muse was this lousy sentence.
Before you get to messing with heavy metals, you must perfect the making of rope from chickens.
is a family member who won’t shut up during Pay It Forward.
Phil was appreciative of the fact that, while it had a nice kick to it, his burger would apologize afterwards.
When can we start drinking?
Grandpa called up and read the kids his credit card number and turned them loose on Amazon.com.
Rufus thought that Christmas was a good time to appreciate all your friends, and my friend Schuster agreed so much that he gave Rufus a big hug without once turning into a choke hold.
Who would have ever thought that invisible friends make such great gifts?
A new hope, a new dispensation, all that the day promises; these I want for you, fellow scriners.
And the one day, the old man died.
As mangers go, it wasn’t bad, though it could have used a bit of paint and some candles, thought Mary as she drifted off.
Merry Christmas my beautiful poppets - I hope you all find time to enjoy the company of friends, family and the people you love - have a great day :)
Henry noticed that his phlegm was a wonderful shade of Christmas green.
I am looking out my office window at the hustle-bustle below and I am convinced that I am the only one stuck working on Christmas eve when I should be out shopping for the people on my list…everyone knows that the best deals are found on Christmas eve so I have no guilt about waiting to the last minute…I am, however, feeling a little guilty about the thermos of egg nog I brought with me this morning.
I don’t quite know where I live, who I am, where I belong, or who my people are, so pass the egg nog and move over, I’m getting ready to dance.
Scriners, start your eggnog, the Christmas Eve O-Clock bell has tolled.
Noone ever saw his lucky turtle and many believed it to be but one more figment of his imagination; nevertheless, Artemus lived a charmed life and people did notice an odd snapping noise and an obvious dearth of water insects wherever he was present.
Patsy’s children soon learned to leave her in peace when she had a bad cold, because if they entered her bedroom, she would assign them the chores she herself usually did; unbeknownst to them, Patsy was content either way.
She was like a beacon for him, burning so brightly though briefly, yet so perfectly timed as to keep him from the shallows where ruin surely awaited.
Friends are the people who, regardless of the passage of time, always feel like friends.
As inspired by: jo spanglemonkey
Doesn’t it ache when your life, your body or your mind don’t allow you the luxury of, or the energy for, hours spent just sitting quietly and reading.
She was pleased to find that her entire life could fit neatly into boxes, with no space left inside for messy, sloppy emotions.
George thought being a party planner would be a good job, but only because he thought he’d be able to drink beer at work.
A pile of presents under the tree, and all of them are for me.
Christmas comes but once a year, a good excuse to drink more beer.
It was a busy life, jumping from one book to the next, scurrying between the spines, avoiding any glances from prying human eyes.
Quiet is never so enjoyable as when it comes in between the rushes of noise.
I really quite like a heck of a lot about this time of year.
The producers of SEAN PENN, INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER tried persuading the actor that he would be taken more seriously if he wore pince nez and a bowler.
Nathan could only be sincere with his friends when he wore pince nez.
Michael’s friends became a bit more aware of his behavior in the locker room after that night at Hooters when, a few drinks into the evening, he turned to Robert and said earnestly, “Boobs are kind of gross, doncha think?”
Why must he always go to the city?
I should run rampant while I’m the only one logged in.
The requirements for obtaining your private investigators license in Colorado are minimal but don’t bother applying if your last name isn’t Fontana, Spade or even Pinkerton.
I wonder what kind of things Randy Newman’s ghost will sing about.
The mailman slathered his pants with peanut butter, thinking that if his fate was to be bitten by the merciless canine bastards that lined his route, he could at least give himself the gift of post-chomp entertainment in the form of watching the murderous little heathens attempt to negotiate a mouthful of peanut butter.
“I completely disagree with your evalution of me Mr. Stevens…I mean, your wife had absolutely no problem with my performance this past year so I don’t see how you could.”
Our CDs seem to have bred like rabbits, though the DVDs have had a longer gestation period.
I would hold you in my arms and we would travel to another place, one of our choosing, one of our own.
I miss darksteve.
The sight of the three brightly coloured umbrellas drying out on the floor brought about spontaneous laughter and cheers of joy and delight.
Differs depending upon whether you’re asking my body or soul.
Regretfully I am departing for the east tomorrow and am unsure of my internet access for the next week or two; I wish you all the happiest of holidays and cannot wait to Scrine in the New Year!
If you had any idea how tired I was you would fall asleep in a heartbeat out of pure sympathy, and that includes any of you hard-nosed bastards that might be reading just out of spite.
See a dress in a window so ugly that you wanted to buy it, take it home, shred it and stuff pillows with the shreds just to be sure that no one ever made the mistake of wearing it?
Against your mother calling you before noon on your birthday and sniping at you repeatedly that you “Never answer the phone.”
“Mr. Klatt are you tired of bras that bind and don’t fit properly?” asked the polite invitation from the Bon Marche that I retrieved from my mailbox this afternoon.
The Christmas holiday was in a neck-and-neck race with Mona’s cold, but she didn’t mind because she knew that no matter who won, there was a couch, a warm quilt and a Frank Capra film festival waiting at the finish line.
The adoption of rain dancing as the national sport of Australia finally paid off - the heavens opened and rain poured down, the thunder clapped and Henry felt a slight tingle as lightenig felled a tree close by.
The dog ate my son’s homework, and took off a good chunk of my arm when I tried to get it back.
40 Rocks!
I have been advised that my life desperately needs more straight edges…frankly I prefer to live squiggly.
These cocky children think they’re getting presents for xmas; this year, they have to work instead.
Calling in dead.
Cardiovascular Thrombosis
With my brand new clicky top, retractrable Sharpie I can rule the world.
Work was obviously invented after it was discovered that so many people were being buried with perfectly good spines.
The sprinkler system came on in the middle of a rainstorm, cementing our place in the pecking order of the neighborhood.
I don’t really have a clever sentence for this…I thought I did…but I don’t…so there.
If you hang your Christmas tree upside down you can fit more presents underneath it.
Why is there a pickle hanging from my Christmas tree?
I don’t mind not having butter for my toast, since last week, on Monday, at 5:20 a.m.
Not posted without the kind permission of Miss Jane.
The Devil once thought to recruit Miss Jane but stalking her for a decade quickly taught him the erroneous logic in that— an agent of mayhem and on his team causing murder and mayhem all in the name of good manners – he wouldn’t hear the end of it until the next time Sariel got blind drunk and flew into the moon claiming it wasn’t there when he took off!
As inspired by: boot's Six White Boomers
With all due respect to boomers, only flying reindeer can really croon!
Bugger the snow and open fireplaces, give me a barbie, some beer, a trip to the beach, and Six White Boomers.
Walter sat for hours on a bench in the palm tree lined park near Pacific Beach fondly remembering the nights of his youth when he put on his white patent leather shoes and began the beguine every time a lovely USO girl strolled by.
God formed a crayon from a lump of red, iron-oxide enriched clay and painted paradise sanguine to the astonished amusement of the simple creatures who lived there under the open skies.
Julie’s complexion turned sanguine quite suddenly the day before the winter ball leaving her feeling somewhat less than cheerfully optimistic.
if a hrefs, then i don’t have to do this.
The night before last, I found a small, but deeply beautiful puddle.
As inspired by: christmas for rico
Julio didn’t understand why the Amish girls weren’t interested in his DVD collection.
Taking cover under a tree I watch leaves fall and swirl around me, raise my face to the skies, open my mouth and taste the hot dust.
It had been months since she last saw him, but at last it seemed that time had softened the deeply etched furrows of pain from his face, leaving him merely sad, lost and lonely.
As inspired by: Br. Ezra's my problem with teenagers
As Miss Jane crossed the very busy highway via the pedestrian crossing, she found she had to pause three times, once to attend to an 80 year old who was screaming into his mobile phone as he ignored the people, oncoming trams and cars around him, a second time to deal with a man in his forties who was standing in the middle of the road wondering how to turn on his phone, and a third time to deftly put aside a teenager who was dragging a hand-truck full of water bottles and simultaneously text-messaging on his mobile phone.
[Breaking News: Police are yet to uncover the identity of the woman involved in the incident that the media have dubbed Manners, Mobiles and Mayhem.]
“Fraudulent possession of women’s underwear.”
The fact that you’re hiring two people to replace me and bitching to me about how horrible it is going to be when I leave, and yet you only gave me 3% as my last salary increase, and that was “more than the average.”
It was easy enough to gift-wrap my Guilt, once all the corners were taped, but the postal service refused to handle the package for fear of breakage in transit.
No corporate vice president is too old to be reminded to use his “indoor voice” and say the magic word.
“Dude, how can I be composing stuff like ‘Für Elise’ if I’m stone deaf?” remarked Ludwig von Beethoven as he jumped up from the pianoforte, resolving to change careers and go into sales.
As inspired by: Jo's Losing a Limb, Maybe
Ennui…just make sure you look this shit up before you call in.
Ennui is not an excuse to miss sixth grade.
The grammarians shivered in fear, knowing that it was only a matter of time before some fireman coined the word sirening.
My ex-wife is one of those unfortunate people you can’t talk to reasonably - she thinks she is always right and never leaves any air space for other people to share their views - so during our divorce proceedings, when she would leave me alone in the house all day, I would express my concerns by pooping in her favorite shoes.
I got stopped at an apple maggot quarantine road block (Washington state workers will know what I am talking about).
My wife is getting pregnant this morning and I need to be there.
It was soft and squishy with no edges, and sharp teeth and claws inside.
If I’m shot and you’re with me at the time, don’t emote like a dumbass (fall to knees, raise fists to heavens, cry ‘nooooooooooooo’); apply pressure and call 911.
It was but a single lonely sentence but it swirled in her mind’s eye all day, long after she claimed a headache and left work early.
Why is it that my wittiest comments are also the filthiest and never to be read by the innocent, unaware public?
While a woman may enjoy her thin lips for the tremendous savings she realizes on lipstick costs, it is the man who comes out on top as he lavishes in the delight of his seemingly fuller mustache.